A/N- So there is no sex in this chapter, but there is quite a bit of violence and emotional turmoil between the brothers. Be prepared for the next chapter because it is going to be graphic. It will probably be a few days before the next chapter but I hope you enjoy this chapter. All reviews are appreciated! ;-*
Sam's POV
I'm kicked through the wall six feet behind me, plaster, paint and wood clattering to the floor with me. Dazed, I grab for the demon knife but my assailant walks around by my head, stepping on my hand then bending down and grabbing my arm using it to wrench me into a position that draws a pained groan from me while still crunching down on my other hand. The woman laughs darkly and begins to reach for my throat with her free hand. A dark blur crashes into the woman, freeing me and leaving me laying on the floor looking at the scene of Ruby rolling her over and pinning her to the floor with a knee to her lower back and an arm wrenched so far up in between her shoulder blades that the meaty pop of the shoulder dislocating sounds a second before the woman's scream. As I'm getting to my feet Ruby shouts over her shoulder "Sam, the knife!" I grab the knife and walk over to stand within grabbing distance but hesitate at handing the knife over. Ruby looks at me expectantly and when I don't move to give it to her she wrenches the woman's arm farther drawing another scream from her.
"Hey! Give me the knife or kill her yourself, either way she isn't leaving this house." She says with one eyebrow raised. I go completely still, looking at the woman. She smiles up at me through bloody teeth and then suddenly the black demon eyes are gone and the woman the demon is inhabiting comes into focus screaming and crying. Her eyes are a faded shade of blue as she stares up at me. She begs for me not to hurt her, for me to not let Ruby hurt her, for me to please let her go. She tells me she has a family. I feel that burning urge I get to help people and look up at Ruby who is still waiting for me to take action, not showing any leniency towards the woman underneath her. Her deep brown eyes stare at me and I can see that she wants me to stab the woman but with the pleas for mercy echoing around me I don't want to kill her. I shake my head once left then right and watch the little bit of warmth, that I didn't know she was expressing, just disappear, replaced by disappointment.
"Ruby, I can save the woman. We don't-" Ruby cuts me off doing three things at once: she rolls her eyes, whips her arm out snatching the knife and plunges it into the woman's throat sending a stream of blood arching out to splat onto the floor not an inch from my shoe before I can get out more than a shout for her to stop. I watch Ruby use the woman's shirt to wipe the blood off the knife then roll to her feet, flipping the blade around and handing it hilt first to me. As soon as I take it she turns on her heel and walks out of the house. I stare down at the woman I could have saved, sprawled on her stomach in her own growing pool of blood and feel rage boil through me. I storm out of the house after Ruby, putting the knife away before I followed through with the urge to use it on her. I catch up and grab her arm pulling her to a stop, spinning her around to face me and grabbing her other shoulder, to yell in her face from inches away.
"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT, RUBY?! I told you I could have saved her and you just stab her?" I shook her a little with the last part.
"You could have saved all four of them had you just used your powers as soon as we walked in! You chose not to! Now all of them are dead! That's how this works Sam." She yelled right back. I stare at her for a few seconds.
"How what works? I thought you were supposed to be teaching me how to save people and kill demons?"
She laughs in my face. "I'm just giving you the means to unlock a powerful weapon that you can use to save the humans that you love so much...and to kill demons, yes. More importantly I am helping you obtain the best means to Lilith's end, and all of our salvation, you damn fool! But I can't make you use it!" I stare down at her for a couple of seconds seeing the truth in what she is saying. Had I just used my powers to exorcise them as soon as we walked in I could have saved them. All of them. Then I remember Dean's desperation when he confronted me about my relationship with Ruby. I don't want Dean to not be able to trust me. I hate that we've become so estranged! Dean's teary eyes flash through my mind and I feel my face pull into a sneer as I shove Ruby away. She stumbles back four feet or so, tripping over a stone hedge, going through the dilapidated little fence around the long dead remains of what was probably once a quaint little garden. I pull my hands through my hair a couple times, strutting agitated circles.
"There has to be another way." I say.
Ruby pulls herself to her feet dusting off the dirt and throws me a filthy look. "You can do what you like! I am only trying to help you save the world, no big deal right? I mean you are okay with the whole world dying because you can't bring yourself to drink a little demon blood, right?" She stares at me indignantly from a few feet away with her legs spread apart in an aggressive stance, clearly challenging me. When I don't answer or respond at all except to stare a hole through her she shakes her head and scoffs. "Okay. Well it's sure been fun, Sam! Keep the knife, you're gonna need it since you know it is the only other weapon we know of that can kill a demon for good, other than you." She starts to walk the opposite direction from the house. "And hey! If you survive the wrath of hell and your foolish kamikaze mission to save all of humanity with one little pig sticker and a mouthful of Latin...look me up! It's really hard to find a satisfying lay, let alone a great one."
"Where are you going?" I shout after her. I'm not done yelling at her yet and she's just going to walk away.
She pivots on her heels and struts back to stab her finger angrily into my chest and yell, "I was willing to do anything to help you guys win, including offer myself up as your personal demon flavored juice pouch on legs! I am not going to stand by and watch you lose! I'm keeping my ass off Hell's radar as long as I can." She leans into me a little more and stands up on her tip toes to get as close to my face as possible. "So!" She said in a falsely bright falsetto, then her face goes blank, "Fuck-you-Winchester!" each word punctuated by a finger stab into my sternum followed by a smile brighter than a hundred watt light bulb. She turns on her heel and walks away, again.
I watch her walk away feeling my anger, resentment, and hatred explode through me. As much as I hate her right now, Ruby's right. A long, raw, ragged scream tears its way up and out of my throat and I fall to my knees. I am completely trapped. Damned if I do and double damned if I don't. I sit there for a while staring at the nothingness of the landscape around me then get to my feet, starting to walk the opposite direction Ruby went toward where I had parked my "borrowed" car. I scoff derisively. Well, if god loves sacrifice maybe I'd have a chance at going to Heaven after it was all over. I just hoped God was open-minded about what was right and wrong.
••••••••••
Dean's POV
I'm in the bathroom attempting to wash the bluish-clear goo from my face when I hear the door to the room rattle open followed by the rustling of clothes and the thunk of what sounds like Sammy's heavy jacket hitting one of the wooden chairs around the dinged up table against the far wall of the room. I know it's Sam in the room but I receive confirmation two seconds later.
"Dean? You here?" He calls out.
I grimace at the pain shooting through me and prepare myself for Sam's interrogation by smiling at the face I know he is going to make when he sees my goo covered body. I open the door to see Sam's backside as he bends over the table fiddling with the laptop. I rove my eyes over him noticing the firmness of his ass, the taught muscles standing out against his shirt and the way his jeans cling to his hips until he turns around. I feel my face go blank. Sam's eyebrows raise and a smirk spreads across his face.
"Dude! You look like you had a bad run in with a jellyfish colored version of the blob from Ghost busters!" He laughs and shakes his head turning around to close the laptop. I walk across the room in shaky steps and when he turns around the smile slides from his face at the serious, calculating look I know I have leveled on him.
"You look like you wrestled with one too many dry walls and lost." I remark dryly. "That must have been some kind of library, huh?" I ask with my eyebrow raised. I had sent Sam to the library four hours ago, which in his world was a reasonable amount of time to spend being a nerd, in order to keep him from hunting. But in my experience, the library never put avid nerds through a wall...though in our particular line of work anything was possible. Sam has blood on his shirt around a small slice in the fabric, his hair and clothes are liberally dusted with what I'm sure is plaster and drywall, he has a bruise highlighting his left cheek bone and a bloody scrape on the ride side of his chin...and I'd be willing to bet my Impala there was more damage hidden beneath the clothes. I look expectantly at Sam waiting for an answer.
He sighs, "I did go to the library." He turns around and reaches into the inner pocket of his jacket pulling out a manila folder full of papers, holding it up for me to see before slapping it down on the table. Then he reaches back into his jacket and pulls out the demon knife. "I just happened to run into a bit of demon trouble is all." He shrugs. "Nothing I couldn't handle. No big deal." I feel myself start at hearing Sam say that. He'd been hunting! I had sent him to the library to get him out of the line of hunting and he'd hunted anyway! I step up to the table as Sam lays the knife down on it and snatch it up pointing at him with it.
"You went hunting! Without me!" I say angrily. Sam smiles and shakes his head turning his back to me as he walks to the bed unbuttoning his shirt.
"Yeah, I could say the same about you." He says with the smallest hint of sarcasm. He pulls his button down off tossing it onto the bed and turns to stare at me. I had been watching Sam angrily and somewhat distractedly and for a second I saw the recognition in his face that I had been watching him. I take another shaky step towards him.
"You didn't even really go to the library? Did you?" I pick up the folder of papers and flip through them slapping it shut with a scoff. "I'll give your little girlfriend credit where its due, she even made it look like you were the one that did the research!" I throw the folder at Sam who doesn't move to catch it, just lets it bounce off his chest. Stabbing the knife into the table, and turning toward the mini fridge in the corner of the room to get a beer, I hear the shuffling of papers and the slap of the folder hitting the floor. When I have a beer in hand and a mouthful in the belly I turn back around to see that Sam hasn't moved. He is standing there glaring at me with angry eyes. "Well?" I ask taking another sip of my beer, "We gonna fight or are you just going to glare your angry thoughts at me?" He stands in place staring at me for a few seconds then shakes his head, bending down and scooping up the papers that had flown everywhere, placing them back in the folder. I watch this all in silence while sipping my beer. He moves about the room in agitated movements and his silence is really starting to piss me off. I don't know why, but I am itching for a fight. "I'm right aren't I, Sam?" I all but growl out. I can just imagine that demon slut's hands all over Sam and the thought churns my stomach. Sam with his hand outstretched exorcising demons with his mind. I shake my head to get rid of the thought. Then suddenly, Sam turns around in a movement so fast it's startling and strides toward me.
"No, Dean. You are not right." He grinds out between clenched teeth. Sam's cheeks are flushed, his green eyes glowing bright with the anger he is barely containing, his lips pursed.
I step away from the wall I'd been leaning against but keep a hand on it to steady my spinning world. "Oh really? Did you even use the knife Sam?" His eyes flash dangerously and I swear he's vibrating. He turns on his heel and struts and angry path toward the table, snatching up the knife and whirling, burying it in the wall inches from my hand.
"What do you think, Dean? Is that crusted blood fresh enough for you? Are you satisfied that I killed another four people?" He asks in a dangerously low voice. "Does it make you feel better that I couldn't save them? That I did it your way?" Sam's voice was getting lower and I could tell he was fighting the urge to yell. I wanted to look back at the knife, to see the evidence of the crusted blood on the blade but didn't dare look away from him. He was in a rare mood tonight. He was rarely this easy to enrage. I slowly move my hand off the wall and stand on my own, albeit still rather wobbly.
"You killed four demons, Sam." I say quietly in an evidently failed attempt to soothe him as Sam screams in anger and strides an aggravated circle ripping his hands through his hair. "Why did you hunt without me, I would have taken care-" Sam lets out an ugly laugh and stops his angry pacing about a foot in front of the table. With his back still turned toward me he growls out, "Because...you-don't..." and in an explosion of anger that truly scares me, he simultaneously flips the little table and the contents sitting on it, including his lap top, into the wall across the room and screams, "TRUST ME!" He whirls to face me and I stumble back into the wall I'd only just a minute before so desperately not wanted to touch so as not to look weak. Sam's eyes are a luminescent green ignited by a horrifying rage.
"YOU DON'T TRUST ME, DEAN!" He yells, his face contorted into a Sam that I don't recognize. "Isn't that why you sent me on this stupid run to the library in the first place? So you could get me out of the way? So you didn't have to hunt with me? You obviously already did the research because you killed the Mullo!" He gestures to me all covered in goo, raking my body with that angry stare making me shiver. I had never seen Sam this way. "You think I don't see the suspicion every time I go out of your sight? I can't even get a soda from the vending machine without seeing you looking out the window, watching my every move?" He takes a step towards me and I fight the urge to step back because there is nowhere to go. If Sam gets physical in the condition we are both in I know one of us will be going to the hospital tonight, and I'd be willing to bet I knew who it would be.
"Why did I go hunting without you?" He scoffs "I went on your library run. I let you go out hunting alone!" I take a breath. Clearly I wasn't as slick as I thought I'd been. I knew it was a stupid question but asked anyway. Why do people do that? Why do we ask questions we clearly know the answer to?
"You knew I was going out to hunt?"
"YES!" Sam rips his hands through his hair and paces a tight circle.
"Why did you let me go alone then if you knew?" I ask in a small voice trying not to incite any more of his anger. When he stops pacing, stops moving and, I think, stops breathing I stand completely still and stop breathing myself, not knowing what to expect. Sam stays turned away but answeres my question in the most quiet tone he's used since the beginning of our fight.
"Because if you can't trust me, Dean, then I refuse to be at your back. I refuse to watch you throw cautious looks over your shoulder at me." He turns to face me but doesn't look at me. "Because if you can't trust me at your back in a fight, there is nothing to differentiate me from whatever enemy you are fighting." Sam's eyes are sad as he meets my eyes, so sad that I want to tell him to stop because I don't want to hear what he's about to say. "Because to you...I am just another monster." My heart clenches at the pain in his eyes. "And because, even though I'm a monster to you, I trust you, Dean. I trust that you will do what is best for you...even if it's hating me, and that you will do what needs to be done to survive." As he turns his back to me and starts taking his shirt off and gathering clean clothes I can't breathe. When he walks by me I turn toward him with an outstretched hand wanting with everything I have to soothe away the pain I had caused, but can't bring himself to touch him.
"Sam?" He freezes.
"What?" He asks in a rough voice. I feel tears welling up in my eyes and widen them so they won't fall.
"I don't think you are a monster." I say quietly so my voice doesn't shake. I watch Sam shake his head then turn it just enough so I can see the side of his face and know he is looking at me.
"Yes you do. You just don't want to admit it." He looks forward and continues walking toward the bathroom. "I'm taking a shower." The bathroom door closes.
Again, I am the way Sam left me when I hear the shower come on. I feel the stinging building behind my eyes and look around for a place to sit finding nothing. The bed is out of the question because the goo will ruin the sheets. Sam wrecked the little table and chairs, and as I look I see his laptop laying in pieces. Oh man, he isn't going to like that! Out of seating options I sink to the ground, bringing my beer to my lips forcing it down around the lump building in the back of my throat. I hear the plastic snap of a bottle and the tears break free. How could I cause him so much pain?
I want so very badly for everything to go back to the way it was. To see Sam smile that toothpaste commercial smile and hear his addictive peal of laughter. To go back to when everything was so much simpler and we didn't have worries like protecting all of humanity from the horrors of hell. Back when Sam was just Sam, no demon powers, no demon lover, no questionable morals...just Sam.
I fall back against the floor, listening to the shower run and realize that Sam is right. I don't trust him at my back in the hotel room, let alone in a situation where my life could quite possibly be in his hands. The tears come faster. I sit up on my elbows and down the last of my beer wishing like hell that in all the things that I knew existed in this world I could find an infinite bottle of kick ass beer! I want another but my body hurts too much to get up and get one.
What's happened to us? A wave of exhaustion sweeps over me and I fall back against the floor right as the door to our room is splintered open and flung back into the wall behind it.
I stumble to my feet in time to see the thing standing in the doorway. It is shaped sort of like a human but the angles are all wrong. Too soft. Apparently, I had not killed the Mullo, but I sure as hell had pissed it off. Before I'd registered it had moved it had me by the throat, slamming me back onto floor. It moved so fast I didn't have time to brace myself for impact. The last thing I had time to process before my world went black was the thick meaty sound of my skull cracking into the floor, the high pitched scream of the Mullo and it's ugly face hovering above me.