The water wasn't hot enough.
Even with the refresher unit's controls turned up as high as they would go, the pressure pounding against her shoulders and the temperature scalding, it wasn't enough.
She needed it hotter, so that it could sear away all of the anger and grief, all of the pain. If the water was hot enough, maybe it would burn right through her skin and burn away everything inside of her until she could breathe again.
Closing her eyes, Jaina tilted her head back to let the cascading stream was over her face as cleansing rivulets of water sluiced down her back. The refresher unit around her was filled with steam so thick that she was practically choking on it, but she didn't care, nor did she care that her skin was in danger of starting to blister if it was exposed to such hot water for much longer.
Physical pain had become a blessing for her now, because it detracted from the aching emptiness inside of her, an emptiness that she knew would never, could never, be healed now that her brothers...
Don't, she ordered herself sharply, slamming down her shields around the grief bubbling up within her, threatening to consume her entire being. Don't think about it, don't feel it, don't feel anything... that's for the weak.
And Jaina Solo was anything but weak.
She had been fighting her entire life, really, against one enemy after another. Being the daughter of Princess Leia and the niece of Luke Skywalker had made her a valuable target, but the real danger had always come from those who desired to use the grandchildren of Darth Vader as their personal weapons.
The Yuuzhan Vong were like no enemy she had ever faced before, they wanted nothing more or less than the complete and utter domination of the galaxy and the extermination of her very way of life.
Since their arrival at the edge of the galaxy only a few years prior, they had decimated whole worlds, sacrificed billions of sentient beings to their 'gods', and slaughtered millions upon millions who had simply been in their way. Those who surrendered were enslaved, a fate worse than death in her eyes, and with each corner of space that the Yuuzhan Vong took, another piece of the galaxy was forever and irrevocably changed.
She didn't even want to think about what they were doing to Coruscant.
The fall of the capitol had gone under the strike team's sensors until they emerged from hyperspace, intending to have to do some fancy flying in order to land an enemy ship on the New Republic's crown jewel, but they had emerged in the midst of a hopeless firefight, only to realize that Coruscant had fallen to the enemy.
And right there in the heart of the fight, as if they'd been waiting for her, had been the Millennium Falcon, her parents in the cockpit while her aunt and uncle took the gun-turrets, picking off skips one by one.
Sometimes she almost thought her father was Force-sensitive, and the battle over Coruscant had been one of those fleeting moments. Despite the fact that she was flying a bulky Yuuzhan Vong frigate, Han Solo had recognized the incredible piloting taking place and known, somehow, that it was his daughter. The little test maneuver he'd put her through had been all too simple, but no one else could have pulled it off, and that had clenched it for her parents.
A few seconds later, her mother's voice had ordered the Republic forces in the area to allow her frigate to escape.
It should have worried her that Leia had been the only one able to sense her, but it didn't. If she could conceal her presence so completely from her Uncle Luke, the strongest Jedi of all, and her Aunt Mara, who had been her Jedi Master, then perhaps her own powers were growing stronger. With Jacen and Anakin, the three of them had always been stronger together, a triad, but now they were gone and she was left alone, maybe they had left behind some of their strength for her to use.
And she would use it to drive a spike right through the very heart of the Yuuzhan Vong empire.
Do you wish to avenge your brothers?
Ta'a Chume's words came back to her now, and Jaina's grim determination strengthened. Anakin had been murdered, she had felt his death through the Force, like a vibroblade right into the very heart of her soul. She had not felt Jacen's passing, despite the fact that he was her twin, but she supposed that was to be expected, she'd shut him out after losing Anakin, furious beyond words with him for leaving their little brother to the Yuuzhan Vong.
If Jacen had lived, she would have gone back for him, and she would have slaughtered anyone who got in her way.
And then they would have settled things between them, one way or another, because she could not forget that he had abandoned Anakin to die alone. Once or twice, she had even caught herself on the verge of thinking that Jacen had deserved his fate, and she had been properly ashamed for it, but that did nothing to abate the anger still coursing through her veins, so she would simply have to turn that anger on the Yuuzhan Vong.
For you, Anakin, and for Jacen, she thought fiercely.
She would make the Yuuzhan Vong pay for what they had taken from her family, from the Jedi, and if it was the last thing she ever did, she would teach them the meaning of the word fear.
Tsavong Lah would have to be the first to go.
The warmaster had nearly bled her mother to death on Duro, had sought Jacen's blood ever since, and had been the one to declare Anakin 'expendable' because he was not a twin. Before this war was over, Jaina would see her lightsaber driven through his throat.
Turning off the water, she sighed, stepping out of the refresher unit and wrapping an absorbent cloth that had been laid out for her use around her body, letting her dark hair fall wet over her bare shoulders.
Jaina moved over to the reflector, giving herself a brief, appraising glance.
It was funny, but she didn't really look any different than she had before Myrkr. A little thinner, perhaps, a little more exhausted, her eyes dimmer and her mouth drawn, but other than that she was the same Jaina she'd always been.
Strange, somehow she had expected some kind of monumental physical change to express the galaxy-shattering shift inside of her. Outwardly, there was no drastic scar, no gaping wound, nothing to elude to the fathomless backhole that had opened up within her chest. A stranger passing her on the street would look at her, and have no idea that she had just lost the other two parts of her soul, and that seemed wrong to her somehow.
Anakin and Jacen were both dead, how was it possible that the galaxy had not stopped turning? How was it that the stars had not all burned out, that planets hadn't fallen out of their orbits?
How could the rest of the galaxy possibly not realize what a devastating blow it had been dealt?
She caught sight of a shimmer in her reflection's eyes, and turned away from the reflector violently, her breath coming in quick, sharp gasps as she slammed her shields down around herself, burying the emotion surging within her under a mountain of durasteel, locking it behind wall upon wall until she felt the cool blankness descend over her once more.
Don't feel, she reminded herself sharply, and spared a quick glance back at the reflector again before nodding in crisp satisfaction.
Padding barefoot out into the bedroom, her eyes immediately focusing on the comm-unit along the far wall, where a red light was flashing, signaling that she had received a message while she was in the refresher, and she wasn't at all surprised to find that it was from Ta'a Chume.
My personal hairstylist, Ma'daia, will be attending to you shortly.
Jaina pressed her lips together in exasperation, uncertain which was more irritating, that Ta'a Chume felt she needed help with her hair, or that the woman wasn't going to take no for an answer. For whatever hidden reason, she was determined to get Jaina to attend this banquet, and she was more than prepared to pull out all of the stops to ensure her presence.
The former queen was clearly up to something, that much was obvious even without the Force, but as to what, Jaina was not yet certain
Or perhaps she simply didn't care.
As it was, Ta'a Chume would prove useful to her, a source of weapons, ships and ammunition to use in her fight against the Yuuzhan Vong, and that was all that mattered. Whatever the old woman was planning, as long as it didn't get in the way of Jaina's own plans, she would humor her for now, allowing Ta'a Chume to aide her in her quest for vengeance.
And in order to do that, she would have to attend this banquet.
Eyeing the scandalous red dress hanging on the stand in the corner of the room, Jaina snorted softly, shaking her head. Her jaw had nearly dropped when one of Ta'a Chume's servants had brought the gown to her room, and she'd been tempted to ask if the former queen had gone space-happy, but she had to admit that it was an intriguing way to begin achieving her objectives.
Beauty is a tool to be used, Ta'a Chume had claimed.
Perhaps she was right.
Regardless, this banquet would be helpful in making friends in high places among the Hapan military, which could prove beneficial, so the smart thing to do would be to attend, put on a fake smile, bat her eyelashes and move about the room with the diplomatic grace that her mother had tried so hard to instill in her.
Thoughts of her mother made Jaina wince slightly, recalling the sad eyes that had watched her as she left her parents at the landing field, leaving them and Anakin's sheet-covered body behind her. As soon as she had gotten away from their sight, she had burst into a flat-out run, her desperation to get away suddenly overwhelming, but even then she had been unable to escape.
The scars the Yuuzhan Vong had inflicted upon her would stay with her the rest of her life.
And, likewise, she knew that her mother would never fully recover from the loss of her sons, especially not once she got over her denial of Jacen's demise. The woman that Jaina admired most in the galaxy, whose strength and spirit seemed more immortal than any government or Order or cause, had been broken, and that made her hate the Yuuzhan Vong even more.
Hadn't her family suffered and bleed for this galaxy enough?
Chewie was dead, Mara had barely defeated the Yuuzhan Vong disease that had nearly claimed not only her life but the life of her unborn child while she had been pregnant with Ben, they had lost dear friends and allies, and now, in one day, they had lost both Jacen and Anakin both.
If it was the last thing she ever did, Jaina was going to see to it that every single Yuuzhan Vong in existence understood the kind of heart-wrenching, unbearable pain that they had inflicted on her, the kind of pain that you couldn't go on with, that made you desperate for release that was always just beyond the reach of your fingertips.
Then, and only then, she could join her brothers.
Until that day, she would have to find the strength to keep going, to keep fighting, in order to make their deaths count for something.
For now, she just had to find a way to survive this wretched banquet.
At least Tenel Ka will be there, she thought, but that was less reassuring than it once would have been. Things with the Hapan princess were difficult at the present, partly because of things that had been said at Myrkr, and partly due to the uncomfortable knowledge of their shared loss over Jacen's death.
Not to mention the fact that Tenel Ka had been less than pleased with Jaina's recent methods of dealing with the Yuuzhan Vong.
That was of little concern, though, and honestly it was to be expected. Most of the Jedi wouldn't approve, her family included, but Jaina found she no longer cared. Light and dark were distinctions she didn't have time for anymore, Jedi conceptions that had outlived their purpose.
The Yuuzhan Vong didn't exist inside of the Force, so the normal rules didn't apply to them.
And if her Uncle Luke couldn't see that, well...
It's like Kyp said, she mused grimly. His war was with the Empire. This is our war, and it's up to us to find a way to win it.
Realizing what she had just thought, Jaina groaned, wondering how best to kill Kyp Durron.
Bad enough that she'd needed him to escort her frigate down to Hapes safely, and that she'd had to put up with his arrogant, pompous attitude the whole way down, but now she was quoting him, and for the second time in one day at that?
You need help, Jaya, she could almost hear Anakin snickering just behind her shoulder.
Maybe I do, Ani, Jaina agreed bitterly. Maybe I do.
But when she got through with them, the Yuuzhan Vong were going to need it a hell of a lot more.