Dear FanFiction
By: marauderette-47
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or FanFiction:(
A/N: Thanks for all the great feedback for Sirius, guys! As per the first request I got, here's Hermione Granger:)
Dear FanFiction,
Yes, it's me. Hermione Granger. And you may want to stay and read this for a while - I've got all night to write it, so expect it to be long.
We're not even going to get into the pairings yet - the sheer number of people I am paired with is just awful. Let's start with some changes you made to me - I hate to admit it, but I have frizzy hair. I was just born with it, and there's nothing I can do about it - where you authors get 'glossy brown curls that fall in sleek waves down her back' is beyond me. And my parents are Muggles - they are dentists, and THEY are the people who gave birth to me. My mother is NOT Bellatrix Lestrange and my father is NOT Voldemort. I am in no way related to Malfoy or any other Slytherin - I am NOT a pure blood and I do NOT mix with the Dark Arts - what sentence from the book gave you THAT impression? I would never join the Dark Side - WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE GETTING THAT I AM SUPER POWERFUL, A PURE-BLOOD, OR EVIL?
On the subject of Draco Malfoy, get this through your thick skulls, authors - I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH DRACO MALFOY! HE IS NOT HOT AND HE DOES NOT HAVE A SIX-PACK! YOU CANNOT GET A SIX-PACK FROM PLAYING QUIDDITCH - ALL YOU DO IS RIDE A BROOM THROUGH THE AIR! AT MOST ALL YOU'LL GET IS SPLINTERS! I do not have a secret lust for Malfoy - he is not secretly sensitive, we do not share a mutual love of music, Disney movies, OR reading, and we can't have a civilized conversation for more than two minutes. These things are all fact - I promise you. I don't love Malfoy, I'll never love Malfoy, and I'm NEVER changing my mind. And no, I'm not being stubborn. I'm being realistic.
I am not in love with any Slytherins - I mean, come on. Have you SEEN them? Blaise Zabini is not secretly sweet, and Crabbe and Goyle do NOT spy on me in the shower. NO ONE IN SLYTHERIN LIKES ME! I'M A MUGGLEBORN! I PROMISE! I've seen the videos, folks - the mother I grew up with is my birth mother. My birth mother is not a witch - therefore, she is a Muggle. Since both of my parents are Muggles, I am a Muggle-born witch. And I would not date anyone in Slytherin house if my life depended on it - and trust me, the feeling is mutual. NONE OF THEM LIKE ME BECAUSE I AM MUGGLE-BORN! WE JUST WENT OVER THIS! And when I say that I would never date a Slytherin, I mean GIRLS as well! Why you people think that me and Pansy Parkinson would make an adorable couple is beyond me.
Professor Lupin is a kind man - I feel sorry for him because of his lycanthropy, and I respect him as a teacher. NONE OF THIS MEANS THAT WE MAKE OUT AND DO INAPPROPRIATE THINGS IN HIS OFFICE! I DO NOT LOVE REMUS LUPIN! THERE! I SAID IT! HE IS TOO OLD FOR ME, AND I SEE HIM AS A FUN UNCLE AT BEST. EVEN IF I WENT BACK IN TIME TO HIS 'MARAUDER' ERA (which is impossible, as I am well aware. YOU CAN'T GO BACK IN TIME THAT FAR!) I WOULD NOT BE IN LOVE WITH HIM! I WOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO FALL IN LOVE, OR EVEN BE SEEN IF I AM IN THE PAST! I WOULD NOT LOVE ANY OF THE MARAUDERS - THAT INCLUDES JAMES. Where you people think that me and Harry Potter's father make a cute couple is disturbing. I do not love ANY of the Marauders that way.
And yes, 'any of the Marauders' includes Sirius Black - did you know that there are 1,274 stories about the two of us as a pair? WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET THAT I LIKE HIM? He's Harry's godfather - that's almost as bad as my dating Harry's father. I DO NOT LOVE SIRIUS BLACK! WE ARE NOT MEANT TO BE TOGETHER, AND I DO NOT PLAN ON GOING BACK IN TIME TO REWRITE HISTORY SO THAT THE TWO OF US CAN HAVE A FUTURE! AND EVEN IF I DID DO ALL OF THAT, DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT HARRY WOULD BE HAPPY FOR US AND SUPPORT US? HE'D THINK IT WAS BLOODY WEIRD! You know, I once read a story where I save Sirius, and Harry looks out the window at us cuddling and he smiles and thinks its the sweetest thing ever. WHAT IS WITH THAT? Sirius Black is a grown man - he's OLD! I know he doesn't want to hear it, but it's true - Sirius is old, and his hair is - quite frankly - a bit too gray for my taste.
I am sick of repeating myself - I do not date teachers! So I have NEVER been romantically involved with Professor Snape - guess what? HE'S A TEACHER! And he's rather depressing...like everyone loves Eeyore on Winnie the Pooh, and they want to make him happier, but they wouldn't DATE him! It's the same thing - Snape is the Eeyore of Hogwarts! I AM NOT WITH THE EEYORE OF HOGWARTS! SO QUIT WRITING SAPPY LOVE STORIES ABOUT THE TWO OF US BONDING OVER LOST LOVES - NOT GONNA HAPPEN. EVER.
Now where this next pairing came from I have absolutely no clue - Voldemort is from the same generation as Hagrid. Are you going to pair me with the gamekeeper, too? Voldemort is OLD, he is CRUEL, he has no SOUL, and Harry killed him. Can you see why DATING him would be an issue? He's not Tom Riddle on the inside - he's a big baby childish jerk! Tom Riddle died a long time ago, and even if he hadn't, I would NOT date him! And like with Sirius, I would NOT go back in time to fall in love with him - WHY WOULD I DATE VOLDEMORT? Even if he wasn't technically 'Voldemort' yet, can you imagine how much of history I'd change by going back in time to fall in love with him? I'd risk the possibility of my own existance! And NO guy is worth that - ESPECIALLY BLOODY VOLDEMEORT! STOP HAVING ME KISS VOLDEMORT - HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO HUG MALFOY IN THE LAST MOVIE!
OKAY! THAT IS IT! I JUST FOUND A BLOODY ROMANCE BETWEEN ME AND HAGRID! YOU KNOW WHAT, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK - I'M GOING TO SEE JUST HOW MANY MEN YOU STUPID AUTHORS HAVE PAIRED ME WITH, AND THEN YOU'RE GOING TO GET IT!
Okay...while she's gone, I'd just like everyone to know that Hermione Granger gave a false statement earlier - my hair is not gray. It just looks that way in the lighting we're in right now. You see, all us Harry Potter characters (be we deceased or alive) are gathered in that Room of Requirement you authors are so fond of putting us in. And since it's definitely possible to freeze time there (um...not. But according to FanFiction it is, so whatever) we have frozen time and are reading FanFics together. It's more than a little awkward at some points (Remus and James still won't look me in the eye) we're all banning together to send you these letters one at a tim- whoops. Got to go. She's back. ~Padfoot .
PS: Here's another wink: (;
Alright - here is a list of every male character I am paired with on this HORRID website:
1. Abraxas M.
2. Adrian P.
3. Alastor Moody
4. Albus Dumbledore
5. Albus Severus Potter
6. Fred Weasley
7. George Weasley
8. Bill Weasley
9. Percy Weasley
10. Ronald Weasley (THE ONLY PAIRING I APPROVE OF! I MEAN, COME ON - I MARRY HIM, DON'T I? JUST PAIR ME WITH MY HUSBAND, PLEASE!)
11. Severus Snape
12. James Potter
13. Sirius Black
14. Remus Lupin
15. Peter Pettigrew
16. Blaise Zabini
17. Draco Malfoy
18. Vincent Crabbe
19. Gregory Goyle
20. Harry Potter (COME ON! HE'S MY BEST FRIEND - THERE'S NOTHING ROMANTIC BETWEEN US! THAT DANCE WAS ONLY IN THE MOVIE!)
21. Rubeus Hagrid
22. Neville Longbottom
23. Dean Thomas
24. Tom Riddle
25. Lucius Malfoy
26. Professor Binns
27. Professor Flitwick
28. Mr. Weasley
29. Voldemort
30. Seamus Finnigan
And you know something? Those are only the top thirty men that I'm paired with. I don't even want to adventure into the world of 'femslash'. Apparently, when Harry and Ron first logged on, they looked up stories about themselves and didn't know what slash was...needless to say, they haven't met each other's eyes since. And you want to know something else? I could put up with your absurd pairings and ridiculous interpretations of hair - but you've paired me with Firenze. Firenze! THAT is where I draw the line!
And one more thing - I just HAVE to know - where did you guys come up with 'Mione'? No one has ever called me that in my life - it is in neither the books nor the movies. My parents have never called me that, my friends have never called me that, and my teachers have never called me that. So WHY the Mione?
I think that's everything - for now at least. I know that James is itching to get his hand on some parchment to write a letter to you all, so I'll let him have his moment. So I bid you all goodbye for now, and remember - NO FIRENZE!
Thanks ever so, Hermione Granger Weasley.
PS: Can I just ask why some of you are under the impression that I can't draw?
I didn't mean for it to go on for so long, lol, but I figured that HERMIONE of all people had the most to vent about. As always, reviews are appriciated and I hope you enjoy!
~marauderette-47
Uhm...Sirius J Potter? This is Padfoot again...(does cool hair flip) thank you ever so for your kind words. I wasn't aware that I was (cough cough) Merlin's gift to witches. Am I really that attractive? And THANK YOU for acknoweldging that I'm not gay with James! We're exactly what you stated - best mates. And any lady who thinks Snivellus is a 'full-of-himself git' is alright in my book :) Again, thank you for acknowledging my awesomeness, and I hope to see you around for my next chapter;)
~Sirius Black Is Merlin's Gift To Witches.
James Potter: Great. Now his head's even more inflated - thanks. REALLY.
I've decided to start doing this fun little bit at the end of every chapter - if you leave me a long, detailed, fun review (like the one Sirius J Potter left me for Chapter 1,) you may just get a little note from your favorite character(s) {should you tell me who that is of course}. Hope this encourages more people to read and review! Thanks a million!