AN: Sorry to disappoint you guys, but there is no band or singer who sings that song. It is mine. Somebody asked me what the title of the song is. It's "Broken". My poems aren't copyright, though. But I don't consider them good at all!
Enjoy this chapter and please review afterwards.
--
There was no way to stop that madness. He was dead from inside and he wanted to be alive again.
"Shuichi…"
The sunlight was illuminating them in the early morning. Their arms and legs were entangled. Shuichi's head was resting on Eiri's chest.
They were breathing calmly, rhythmically. They looked so happy at that moment.
Yuki opened his eyes slowly.
"Shuichi…" he whispered again.
The boy opened his eyes slowly.
"Hn"
Yuki was stroking the pink hair gently.
"Shu…"
"Yeah…?" the boy finally opened his eyes and then yawned lazily. He looked at his lover.
"Don't go…"
"I won't. It is warm in bed…" Shuichi said and then turned to his side.
Like strangers….Yuki lost the warmth of his lover.
He scooted to the singer, hugging him from behind.
He started sucking on his long pale neck.
"You want more?" asked Shuichi all of a sudden.
Yuki was nuzzling his neck affectionately.
"I just want to…"
"What?"
"To…"
'..be close to you' he wanted to say, yet the words refused to go out.
"Forget it." Shuichi waved his hand and then got up.
"Gotta go to work now."
"It's 7 a.m.!"
Shuichi looked at him furiously.
"That never stopped you to work before. Why should it stop me?" he got dressed quickly and ran out of the room.
Eiri could hear the front door closed.
Again, the same bitterness in his boyfriend's words. Failure. Again.
Eiri stood up and went to the bathroom. He needed another pill. He was falling into depression.
He adored Shuichi. He was crazy about him from the moment he first kissed him. The memory was still burning vividly in his mind. But he never wanted to show his affection. He didn't want to be hurt again.
There was one thing he had learned while being in New York: If you show that you care, they'll take advantage over you and hurt you. Like it happened with Kitazawa. Not that he thought Shuichi would rape him-far away from that. He was just afraid to love somebody again. He was afraid to open up.
And he adored how much Shuichi was haunting him, how Shuichi was obsessed with him. It was flattering. It was good, even if that was making the boy sad.
Now Yuki knew he crossed the line.
He was tasting his own medicine now.
It had awful taste of sadness and loneliness.
'I don't want to be alone!' his mind was screaming.
'Please don't stop loving me, Shuichi!'
But his pride was still as a rock. He couldn't make himself apologize and open up.
That was his catch 22.
--
Kiss my eyes
Drink my tears
Melt the ice and warm my soul
Let them go, all my fears…
"Shu, this is good! I'm glad you have your inspiration back! And it sounds good." said Hiro.
Shuichi smiled. "Yeah, but I managed to write only these few verses…I'm still so numb and all…" he trailed off. Tohma went in.
"It was good" he said, "Just like the last one, I hope that it would become the hit." he was talking to Shuichi, completely ignoring Hiro.
The red haired boy frowned. He liked Tohma's attention. Although it was painful, he never wanted Tohma to stop bugging him. Yet, Tohma knew better.
"Yeah, sure thing." Shuichi winked.
Tohma nodded.
"Jus t keep up." with those words he left.
Hiro covered his face with his hands. "Why do I love him so much?"
He started to cry. "Why is everything so fucked up?" he sat in the chair.
From the other side of the glass, Tohma was observing him. He heard everything. And then he smiled.
--
"Hiro, please, don't lose yourself…" he kneeled before his friend, "It will be ok."
"It won't." Hiro said and wiped his tears. "What the hell do you know about that?!" he ran out of the studio. Shuichi sat in the chair where Hiro was sitting just a second ago. He shook his head and sighed.
"I wish at least one of us to be happy…"he whispered.
--
Three bottles were spread over the carpet, and Yuki was totally drunk .
"Shuichi…" he groaned. "Why aren't you happy with me?"
--
Shuichi entered the apartment. He could hear vomiting sounds from the bathroom. He rolled his eyes.
"Drunk again, that dickhead!" he muttered.
Yuki barely walked out of the bathroom.
"Eiri…" Shuichi approached him. "Why?"
"Like you care, you brat!" he fell on the couch, tripping over the bottles.
Shuichi sat beside him, ready to cry.
"Why again?"
"Just get out of my sight!"
"Please tell me!" Shuichi was begging. He grabbed Eiri's head and made him look in his eyes.
"We can't be like this anymore, year after year…" Shuichi said, "You're drunk constantly and I keep cleaning after you…I just can't live like that anymore…"
"Then go! Go and never come back, you stupid kid! Why, what's attaching you to me?! You nuisance!" Yuki was shouting. His true himself was locked deep inside, watching that, unable to stop those mouth to move.
'No! I don't mean that at all! Shuichi, please don't listen to him! He's not me!'
Shuichi shook his head furiously.
"Why, Eiri?" he started to cry, "Why you don't want me? Last night you wanted me to fuck you, and now…" he was sobbing furiously, choking, "I…Why don't you want me? Why don't you love me?!" he grabbed the writer's shirt, shaking him uncontrollably. Yuki's face was expressionless.
He shoved the boy and stood up.
"I have work to do. Besides, it is better to fuck the fangirls than to fuck you and watch you cry all the time. Be a man, for God's sake!" he said and after tripping over the bottles again, managed somehow to reach his study.
"Fine! If that's what you want, you drunken psycho!" Shuichi shouted after him, running out of the apartment. He was still crying.
--
Kiss my eyes
Drink my tears
Melt the ice and warm my soul
Let them go, all my fears…
Let me love you
Let me please you
Can't you see, my love
That I need you?
Why can't you…?
Why won't you…?
I need you
But I feel so dead
You crippled my being
I'd love if you cripple my body
Can't you remember what we have been?
Why cant' you see my sacrifice? I don't want nobody…
I want you…
Cripple me completely
Leave nothing behind
As I die
I'll just look rewind
You used to make me happy
Now I feel so dead
The radio was playing in Yuki's study.
"Brat…" he whispered. The singer's voice was so painful to the writer's ears, leaving him completely in darkness of his mind.
'What have I done?!'
But he didn't dare to go and look for him. He wouldn't know what to tell him. He wouldn't know what to do.
The deadline was approaching. He had to write.
--
That was the rest of Shuichi's song. As many others, it became a hit.
But after it, his inspiration died again. He was in no mood to write. His voice was horrible.
--
He woke up in bed next to Hiro. It was his second moth in the apartment of his best friend.
He blinked, looking to the right, to find Hiro, who was still sleeping peacefully.
'This is just cheap consolation, nothing more. We ruined our friendship.' he thought.
Then he closed his tired eyes again.
Flashback
He was knocking for a long time and then somebody opened the door. He really couldn't see who opened it, because his eyes were full of tears.
But he knew where he was. And he recognized the voice.
"Shu?"
"Hiro!" Shuichi fell into his arms. "Hiro, I need you to be with me…"
"What did he do again?" Hiro sighed.
"Never ask me, never!" he was shaking Hiro the way he was shaking Eiri just minutes ago. "Just please love me…"
"Huh?"
Shuichi collapsed on the floor before the door.
"I need to be loved…Nobody loves me…" he was sobbing.
Hiro helped him in, afraid Shuichi disturbed the neighbors.
"Stop it!" he yelled at his friend, but Shuichi kept on his pathetic little drama.
"Love me, Hiro…" he was out of his mind, "Forget Tohma…Love me…"
Hiro slapped him hard and Shu fell on the couch, cupping his cheek.
"Stop with this hysteria!" Hiro shouted, "Calm down, Shu!" he sat beside the boy, hugging him.
Shuichi calmed down minutes later, but he was still sobbing. Then he looked at Hiro, all serious.
Then he kissed him. Hiro kissed back, to his own surprise.
"Have you considered the offer I gave you that evening at my…Eiri's place?" he asked softly. His eyes were dazed.
Hiro nodded.
"I think that's a bad idea, my friend." he said quietly, "it would mean nothing."
"No, Hiro…"
"Shu…" Hiro caressed the boy's cheek. "Where were you when I loved you? You loved Yuki. Now I love Tohma." he sighed and shook his head.
"Sex isn't love, Hiroshi." said Shuichi and jumped on him, kissing him roughly.
Hiro knew Shuichi was right.
But he wasn't sure if the things between Shu and Eiri were over. Maybe it was just another crisis in a row.
They started kissing fiercely, exploring each other's mouth curiously.
It was strange kissing Hiro again, after so many years.
He was desperate for touch of the boy. He was desperate for warmth.
"Hiro…" he groaned, letting the guitarist attack his throat.
Soft kisses were all over his neck as the wet tongue was dancing all around. Then it went up, to his ear, sending shivers throughout his body. He pressed Hiro closer, feeling that his pants became too tight.
"This is wrong…" Hiro whispered, when he stopped ravishing his best friend's neck.
"Please, Hiro…" Shuichi was begging.
He undid several buttons on Hiro's shirt, revealing beautiful, pale skin. He forgot how beautiful Hiro was. He was staring at him in awe.
But he wasn't Eiri. His sweet, yet bitter, lover.
Ex lover.
Love of his life.
But Shuichi wanted to forget. He was fed up with constant forgiving. He wanted to fly away and never come back. He wanted to melt into warmth. To forget. To forget…
His thoughts were somewhere far, while he was making love to Hiro on the couch, on the carpet, on the wall and finally, on the bed.
It was so wrong, but still, it was so right.
He was feeling dirty and guilty, yet he did nothing to stop the lovemaking. They went too far.
Hiro was feeling bad as well. He wanted his Tohma back. But after that, he…
He collapsed on Shuichi, then he rolled on his back. He was holding his best friend so close.
"Everything for you…" he whispered.
"I'm sorry, Hiro…" Shuichi said, "Please forgive me…"
End flashback
That was their first and only time. They have been sleeping in the same bed since then. Nothing more. Just to share the warmth.
--
Tohma was looking at his soon-to-be ex wife.
She signed the papers.
He was grateful.
"You know we got married only because of Eiri. Don't feel bad because of this." said Mika, "It was our alliance. To keep him safe together."
Tohma smiled. "Yeah. But he's so fragile now, when Shuichi left him."
Mika nodded.
"Still, you have to run for your own happiness, Tohma. He's not a child anymore.'
"But he's a drunker and he has PTSD."
"Just leave it to me. Go to that Hiroshi guy." she winked.
She was sad.
But if you love someone, then set him free. She knew that.
--
Tohma was walking through the park, in deep thought.
'What if Hiro stopped loving me….?'
--
AN: The same rule for this chapter-if I get enough reviews (at least 4-see, I'm not requiring much), this will be continued.
I hope you liked this one as much as you liked the previous one (or even more ;) )
Until the next chapter,
Sincerely yours
Yaoi flame