It's been two days since I've seen Brittany. Two agonizing days because I still feel so stupid and embarrassed. Why did I have to push so hard?
I never push. I hardly ever even fucking talk to people, so I really mean it when I say I never push.
What made her different? What makes her different?
Like, not only was I was so focused on knowing if she had a boyfriend or not that I couldn't even make myself shut up, but I could tell she was not wanting to talk about it! I could actually sense it. I was being selfish.
Which, okay. Since when do I fucking care about being selfish?
Since when do I care if I make people mad?
I don't. I just need to go back to not fucking caring, because god, was it so bad that I wanted to know?
About that time I hear my phone vibrate on my desk and walk over to it fully expecting it to be Kitty asking if I'm in the room so she can bring someone over. But no, fuck that, I'm not leaving today. I can't chance seeing Britt.
It's not Kitty, though. I see another name flash across my screen that I didn't think I would see on there, again.
I slide my finger across the screen so I can read the text.
Britt
Can we talk?
I don't know what to say. I just went on like a fifteen minute self-monologue telling myself that I didn't need her. That I needed to go back to not talking to people, but fuck, I do want to talk to her. I want to apologize, but I also can still feel my face get red just thinking about the situation.
I do text back because she's just a person I can't let myself leave hanging. I can't. She's different. I don't know what makes her different to me, but she is.
San
When?
I hope she doesn't say now because I need time to prepare myself. Not just physically, because yeah, I do look like shit, but also mentally. I'm a bitch, I haven't done too many apologies. How are they supposed to go?
Britt
now if you can?
Wow, seriously? Maybe I should just stop thinking of the worst possible scenarios so maybe they won't happen. Fuck. I could tell her no? I mean, I know I won't really tell this chick no, but I could try.
San
Sure, where at?
Way to stand your ground, Lopez.
Maybe she'll want to meet at like a coffee shop or something. That way I can think about what I'm going to say on the way there. Surely she wouldn't want to meet up in her room or mine, right? That would be awkward, right?
Please don't be the dorms, please don't be the dorms.
Britt
My room. You can just walk in, M isn't here.
Cool, just my luck.
I really need to look into that whole not thinking about the worst case scenario thing.
I throw a hoodie on over my sports bra because that would be fucking weird. And it's kind of cold, anyways. I also throw some sweats over my little tiny black shorts.
Actually, I'm going to take these off. Maybe I'll be able to see if she checks my legs out.
Damn it! This is what got you into trouble in the first place, just stop it. Be a normal person. Stop trying to decide if this girl has a boyfriend, or if she likes you. Just. Be. Cool.
I still don't put the sweats on, but really just because my hands are shaking so much from being nervous that I can't do it. How do people do this all the time? Apologize for the shit they do? Since I usually don't care, I've really never had to do it. It might sound shitty, but it's true.
I drag my feet as I was over to Britt's dorm room trying to take as long as I possibly can so I can avoid the awkwardness for just a tiny bit longer with each step. I tap my knuckles on the door before walking in because it seems like a polite thing to do even if she did tell me I could walk in.
She's sitting cross legged on her bed leaning against the wall when I first see her and she looks like fifty shades of fucking adorable. This is why I can't not care about her being mad at me. I've never thought people were adorable, but here I am thinking that about her and all she is doing is sitting on her bed.
I'm taking too long to talk because I can see that she's just kind of staring at me like I'm crazy for just walking in and not saying anything.
"Uh, hey." I choke out. Like, even that basically physically pained me. People would understand if they had to try to speak through the awkward fog in this room right now. It's a thing, so, shut up.
"Hi." She smiles weakly, which is a little better than I thought I was going to get. I mean I didn't even have time to worry about why she called me over here before. What if it's to tell me that she can't be my friend anymore?
What if I messed up so badly that she would rather just not ever see me? I bet that's it. I wouldn't want to see me. I mean, I pushed people out of my life for doing the exact same thing I was trying to do to her. Push her for information that she wasn't ready to give out, yet.
I start feeling sick to my stomach.
"Hey, you okay?" She's up and off of her bed faster than I can look up. She lays a comforting hand on my shoulder and then moved it to my back to rub circles. Why is she being nice? "Do you feel okay?" She asks again after I hadn't said anything.
"Yeah, I uh, think I just need to sit down." She helps me over to her desk chair and I put my face in my hands immediately. I don't want to stop being her friend.
"I'm really sorry, Brittany. Like, really, really sorry." I'm mumbling because my face is still buried in my hands, but I just really need to say it. I look up at her because she's a person who deserves a non mumbles apology. "I, uh, shouldn't have kept asking you stuff the other day. I could tell you didn't want to answer and I just kept going. I'm really stupid sometimes. And normally I really don't care. But I like you. You're cool. I can talk to you about anything, I like your sense of humor." I'm rambling so bad and I wish she would do that thing that people do where they jump in and stop people that are rambling because I need that right now.
She's just kind of smirking though. Like, what's that about? This isn't a time for smirking. I start to kind of scowl at her because it's habit that when I'm offended, I scowl.
"Why are you smirking like that? I'm trying to tell you that I'm sorry."
"Because you're rambling," she tells me. "And it's cute."
I think my eyes actually bug out of my head. I'm what? She thinks I'm cute? I'm not. Am I? Wait, I don't even like being cute. I'm fierce, I'm sexy, but I'm not cute. Am I?
"Uh, I'm not cute," I whine. Which, okay, yeah, might not help my case of being called cute.
"You are," she giggles. Now that's what I consider cute. "But, I'm the one that should be sorry, actually." She shrugs her shoulders.
What? No, she shouldn't be sorry.
"What?" I look at her like she has two heads. "Why are you sorry?"
"I shouldn't have gotten so upset with you." She says like she's ashamed. I'm still just confused. "You were just asking where I was and I got so defensive. You probably think I'm a freak."
"No, no, this isn't your fault Britt. Please don't think it is. Trust me, if anyone knows about getting defensive about simple questions, it's me. I totally get it." I try to reassure her.
She looks up at me and when we make eye contact, we just kind of smile. Like, we both think the other one is being silly for being sorry.
"Look, I want to tell you where I go on the weekends, Santana. And I will, but I'm just not quite ready. I hope you're okay with that."
"Of course." She's not looking at me anymore, like she's scared I'm not being truthful. "Britt, I promise I'm okay with that. There's some stuff I'm not ready to tell either, but we'll get there."
After that, things went back to normal between us. Actually, I would say better than normal. We hang out almost every day, and I think I even got abs from how much we laugh when we're around each other.
I can't help but have the biggest crush on her, though. And it's scaring me. My biggest fear is getting hurt. I mean, isn't that everyone's biggest fear? There have been times that I've wanted to mention to her that I way gay to maybe ease into the conversation of liking her, but I can't. I wouldn't know what to do if she decided she wasn't okay with that, which I don't think she would, but it's still scary.
There's a lot of people who have kicked me out of their life because I'm gay and don't get me wrong, all of them have hurt, but if Britt did that; it would hurt extra.
I do, however; have this small, tiny, almost not even there, gut feeling that she may like me back. I know everyone is going to say that I've fallen into that straight girl syndrome thing where you cook up all of these things in your head that you think your crush is doing so that they may actually be liking you back. But this isn't that.
From what I can tell Brittany is single. She hasn't once brought up having a significant other, right now. She's mentioned being burned by some people she dated and how they all thought that she was stupid.
Which, okay, my girl's a fucking genius so those people can just suck my ass. And also I made her the promise that I would never use the word stupid around her because it shouldn't be in her vocabulary. I told her she's the smartest person I know and that if no one else could see that then she could always count on me to be there to remind her.
That kind of made her cry, but she promised about a thousand times that it was the good kind of cry. I was really worried for a second though. Those beautiful blues should never have tears of sadness.
I'm actually headed back to the dorms from class now and going to go hang out with her. We pretty much text nonstop and my class was just about done when I got a text from her that said: Why aren't you here? And yeah, so I almost died or whatever, because that's cute as fuck and it seems like she wants to spend time with me. See? I told you I don't just imagine her maybe having a crush on me, too. Or am I? I'll find out when the time is right I guess. Wish that time was now.
I finally get back after sprinting about the last half mile of it. I never sprint for anything, but I get excited to see her, okay? I hope no one saw how lame I seemed.
I fly into my room, ignoring the sock, because I don't have time for Kitty's shit, so I can put my stuff in there and change into something more comfortable.
"What the Fuck, Santana?" Kitty screams at me while throwing her sheet over her and Jake.
"Oh, don't get your panties in a wad, I'll be out of here before you know it." I quirk back as I'm getting some sweatpants and tank top from my dresser. "You can continue if it's really that much of a bother." I tease because I can tell how embarrassed Jake is and I'm a bitch like that.
"Just shut up and hurry." I'm finished changing while she's saying that and she's probably just mostly annoyed that I changed in front of Jake and yeah, just because my body doesn't want boys, doesn't mean boys don't want my body.
I don't even bother to tell them bye as I leave the room and make my way over to Brittany's.
I do my typical three knocks and slowly enter. Britt waves as I walk in with a small smile, but I can see she's on the phone so I just wave back as I take a seat in her new bean bag chair so I won't interrupt her.
"What's up, Satan." Mercedes says. We've actually gotten to know each other a little better ever since the little argument between Britt and me that she had to witness. She's a pretty cool girl even if she is sassy as fuck. I kind of like that anyways.
We also have a couple of classes together that we didn't notice before because they're so large.
"Nothing, just glad that the week is almost over. I had two classes that I had tests in this week and they kicked my ass."
"Was one of them for Holiday's class? Because I'm pretty sure I bombed that. Even after I studied for 4 nights straight for it." She rolled her eyes while I nodded.
"Yeah, I think I bombed it, too." But mine was actually my fault. My study habits have actually suffered a little bit since I started hanging out with Brittany. I used to stay up until three in the morning studying for test, but now I stay up until three in the morning giggling with Brittany.
And yes, I kind of giggle, too. But only for the blonde.
About that time I hear Brittany start telling whoever she's on the phone with goodbye.
"Okay, well tell Aubrey I said that I love her one more time, and I'll see you guys tomorrow. Bye"
I've heard her say that name a couple of times when I've been around her when she's on the phone. At first I thought it might be a girlfriend of something, but the more I listen I think it's just her little sister because she's always talking to her mom when she says that name.
I've also gotten used to the fact that I just don't get to hang out with her on the weekends. She always leaves after her classes on Fridays and doesn't come back until later Sunday evenings. I can't lie and say that it doesn't suck, but I haven't pushed her to tell me why she goes home so much one time since it went so bad the last time. She said she would tell me when she was ready and I don't mind waiting on Brittany for anything. I would wait forever for that girl.
After she finally finishes her goodbye she turns to me with a bright smile.
"Hey, you got here fast after I sent that last text. I thought I could make a quick call before you got here."
I blush because I really don't want her to know that I freaking sprinted that I was so excited that she asked me to hang out.
"Oh no, it's cool, class was just finishing up when you sent it so I was basically already on my way." So what, it's only a slight lie. And it doesn't hurt anything.
"Alright, Sam texted so I'm gonna head out, you guys. Behave and don't do anything I wouldn't do." Mercedes says before Brittany can say anything and throws me a wink. Oh my God, does she know? Does she know about my huge raging lady boner for Britt? Let's hope not. And let's also hope I never use that terminology to describe my crush ever again.
"Alright, see ya."
"Later."
Brittany and I say back to her at the same time. Her tone with a little less amount of nerves in it. Hopefully neither of the girls noticed.
After she leaves Brittany goes to her mini fridge to get a drink and asks me if I want anything. I tell her no and then watch her gulp her water down. And is it healthy to find her drinking water attractive? Is it creepy that I find her drinking water attractive? I can't help it though.
"I've chugged like four bottles of water since class today. They worked us hard." She says out of breath from drinking the whole bottle. I'm just out of breath from watching her drink the whole bottle.
"Is it because you have the big showcase coming up?"
"Yeah, so I know that we need it so it can be perfect, but it just makes it where I can't even be energetic on the weekends like I need to be because the week wears me down so much." She looks like she said something she didn't want to and I'm guessing it's the part about the weekend. Which, yeah, makes me want to ask what the heck she has to be energetic about on the weekends, but I told her I wouldn't ask, so I'm not going to.
"Oh yeah, I wish I knew what that was like. I mean, yeah my classes are really freaking tiring, but only mentally. I would not be able to keep up with all that you do. You're so impressive, Britt." I smile so that maybe she'll stop looking like she just said something she should not have.
"Thank you." She says back to me sweetly. "For saying that," she begins again, "and for not asking. I promise I will tell you as soon as I'm ready."
"I told you I would wait, Britt. I'm not going anywhere. Take your time." I mean it, too.
"Do you want to watch a movie?" She changes the subject, which, is fine. I wasn't expecting her to tell me now.
"Yeah, sure."
We both decided we wanted popcorn so I went and made that in the kitchen we have in the common area on our floor while Britt put the movie in and set up her bed like she always does while we watch movies.
I have to admit it's really hard to sit that close to her with this big of a crush on her. I mean, I know a crush isn't a physical thing, but god, it gets in the way. I feel like I can't even be normal. I usually spend more time glancing at her than watching the movie. I don't think she's noticed, yet. I hope she hasn't noticed, yet.
I make it back with the popcorn and see that Brittany already has our spot ready with a couple of drinks in case the popcorn makes us thirsty. Yes, I realize I just called our spot. No, I don't really want to talk about it.
"Hey, you ready?" She smiles brightly when she sees me walk in and that just warms my heart. I didn't even know my heart could be warmed. So, that's new.
I just nod and then settle in beside her. I take a quick glance at her as she pushes play. Maybe two. Maybe three. But, you know, who's even counting?
We're about halfway through the movie when I can't even take it anymore. She's so freaking cute. She laughs at all the funny parts and I can't even enjoy the movie because I just like her so much, you know? Like, it feels like it hurts that I like her so much.
She's caught me looking at her a couple of times, but I just snap my head back as fast as I can so I don't have to make awkward eye contact. I think I see her smiling after, but I can't look over to make sure since I've just been caught.
My hand is resting on the pillow that's in between us and hers has been in her lap, but I suddenly feel something hit the pillow and when I look down I see that she's put her hand there.
Another five minutes go by of me chancing glances at Britt, and her catching me a couple of times. And I'm not sure if it's just me or what, but I feel like her hand keeps getting closer and closer to mine. I don't know what that means, but it has made my heart rate completely speed up. I've never felt this nervous before. I mean, what if she grabs my hand? Will my hand be so sweaty that she immediately puts it back down because she thinks I'm gross? That would be so embarrassing.
Her hand is close enough now that it sort of twitches and rubs up against mine. And okay, I've always thought people were full of shit when they said that they felt sparks, but holy crap, I really think I felt sparks when she touched me just now.
Sure, we've touched before. Brittany's a hugger. So, we've touched a lot of times, and I always get so giddy when it happens. But this is different. I don't know why it's different, but it is.
Suddenly I can't breathe because she locks the pinky of her right hand over the pink of my left hand. It's such a small gesture, but I feel like if I just jumped up right now that I would actually fly. That's how good this feels. I try to look over at her now because, I don't even know why, I just feel like I need to look at her. She has the cutest smile in the world on her face right now, and that's how I know that she feels it, too.
We hold pinkies for about five minutes. Five minutes that I don't think either of us are watching the movie anymore because we just keep turning our heads to look at each other and then getting shy and snapping them back towards her television.
Five minutes and then I decide to get brave. I unlink my pinkie so that I can grab her whole hand and interlock our fingers. The bravery lasted about two seconds and then I start freaking out because what if she didn't want to hold my hand? What if that's why she just grabbed my pinkie?
I hear her gasp, and I'm not sure if it's a good gasp or a bad gasp, but I'm definitely too afraid to look over and see.
I get reassured when she gives my hand a little squeeze, though. And I can actually feel the relief washing over my entire body. She wants to hold my hand, too. Brittany freaking wants to hold my hand. How am I getting this lucky?
"You okay?" Brittany whispers and I can't figure out why she's asking that until I realize I've just been staring blankly at our hands. It's really more like I'm just staring at them disbelievingly because I've wanted this to happen for so long.
I nod because I can't form words. She squeezes my hand again and I squeeze back just so she knows I'm serious about being okay.
We're looking into each other's eyes and it's seriously electrifying. I don't know how a person's eyes can be so blue. I feel sorry for her having to look into my eyes because they're just so plain and brown, but the way she's looking at them tells me that she doesn't think that at all.
I see her start to lean in and I'm freaking out. Is she going for a kiss? What if she doesn't think I'm a good kisser? I don't really have time to worry about that if I want to kiss her back because she has leaned in about ninety percent of the way just waiting for me to take the bait and lean in the last little bit.
I go for it, because fuck not being confident. I can kiss. I can kiss really fucking good actually and I want to show her. I just go for it and when I do our noses bump together pretty hard and I'm basically fucking mortified. How did I mess this up? The one thing I really, really want. The one person I really want and the Universe is going to mess with me in a way that I fuck up our first kiss. This is like the make it or break it kiss. This decides if we have any chemistry at all and if I mess it up, how am I going to prove to her that we would be great?
Brittany's just giggling, though. "Oops." She says, and that kind of takes my breath away. My worries go with it because how can you feel anything but happy when you're around the cutest thing to ever freaking cute.
I lean in again and brush her lips with mine. It's just a light kiss, but I can't help but feel it's the best kiss I've ever had.
We break apart and just look at each other for a second. Deciding if the other one felt what we did. She's the one to lean in for the second time. Yeah, so I'm not counting the first one, because, you know, it's still fucking embarrassing.
This kiss is a little bit more, she captures my bottom lip between hers and all I see is black. Because wow. This feels really good. I start shifting my body so that I can get into the kiss a little more and about that time Mercedes comes blowing through the door with Sam and it makes us jolt apart.
They're looking at us funny because I know we're breathing all crazy. My heart feels like it's going to pound out of my chest and I look over to see that Brittany is blushing. Which, yeah, that's cute.
Our hands are still linked and Mercedes is just kind of side eyeing us in a knowing way. I look at her and she just gives me a little smirk before she says, "Sorry if we interrupted something." I'm about to freak out because I don't know if Brittany wants her to know. I know that if it were a year or so ago I definitely wouldn't be okay with it. "Like, the movie or anything." Oh, okay. So, maybe I always jump to conclusions.
Brittany just gives her a smile and shakes her head.
Then she looks at me with the cutest little bashful smile and gives my hand one more reassuring squeeze before turning back to the TV to finish our movie.
I relax against the pillows and get an excited feeling about what may be becoming of Brittany and me. I really can't wait to see.
I just wanted to say that the story might be moving faster than some think that it should, but it's because I plan on making this around a 5 chapter story. I promise in this world it isn't happening as fast as what you're reading, lol.
That being said, Brittany and Santana let each other in on a little more the next chapter, so stay tuned!
Would love to hear your thoughts on some stuff you would like to see happen!