I've been blown away by the response to the first chapter! Thanks so much for all the reviews so far. I just hope I haven't set expectations too high for me to meet!
Writing comedy can be a very hit and miss business. Something may sound good in my head, but just not work when it's down on paper (well, computer screen). so I just hope I get more hits than misses.
I LOVE to hear what people have liked, but please also feel free to tell me whatever you think just doesn't work - or just completely bombs! It's all useful, since I am really looking to improve my comedy writing. I am currently writing my own presentations for my magic shows, and would love to add as much humour to these as possible. Just keep in mind that little expression: 'constructive criticism'.
But on with chapter two. You know what this story needs? Some Fitches...
"Oh Jesus holy mother of God! Fecking Hell, would you just… Oh, you're the Devil's own contraption of Hell!"
I didn't need my super-hearing to know that my mother's boyfriend Kieran was struggling with something.
"Mum, what the fuck's he doing?" I asked, raising a questioning eyebrow at my mother. She smiled benignly at me.
"He's fitting the secret compartment at the back of your wardrobe" she said softly. I rolled my eyes at her. It was only a whole year since I had asked Kieran to fit that compartment, so that I could hide my costumes. He was getting quicker at household tasks.
"Holy arseholes of death!"
"Is he okay in there?" I asked. Mum smiled and shook her head.
"He needs to learn, Naomi. Just leave him to it."
I chuckled. She sounded like he was her second child at times, instead of her partner. The door to the sitting room opened and the cheery face of a slightly overweight, scruffy Irishman appeared in the doorway.
"Ah Naomi!" He said with an over-the–top bow in my direction. "I'm terribly sorry, but your little hidey-hole won't be finished as promptly as I hoped." I smiled.
"That's fine, don't worry" I told him. He shuffled fully into the room and collapsed ungainly onto the sofa.
"I'll get you a beer, love" said mum as she disappeared into the kitchen. She returned a moment later and handed a bottle to Kieran. "Sorry, they've not been in the fridge."
Kieran smiled at me and held the bottle expectantly in my direction. I rolled my eyes, but took it from him. I blew on it, causing icy fragments to appear around the bottle.
"Ah, you're a good lass, Naomi!" He told me. I grinned back at him.
Things hadn't always been so cordial between us. I was eleven when mum first brought this rather tatty looking man home, and told me that he was 'the one'. Her bringing boyfriends home to meet me was a rarity, but I still took against him at first sight. I gave him an icy stare. Mum went absolutely ballistic at me. As if it was my fault! Super powers can be hard to control sometimes. Besides, he thawed out eventually.
In time I discovered that Kieran wasn't so bad, once I gave him a chance. He made my mum happy, and he was pleasant company around the house. For years, it had just been the two of us. Ever since my 'dad' ran off when I was a baby, it had just been me and mum. Letting other people in just wasn't in our nature. Trusting Kieran had been a big step for my mum, and I eventually understood that he was worthy of that trust. Despite being utterly useless at DIY.
A siren rang out from somewhere, cutting through the silence of the sitting room. I sighed noisily as I rose to my feet.
"For fuck's sake" I muttered under my breath. Couldn't the odd night off be allowed?
"What is it, love?" Asked mum, concern etched across her face. I may be invulnerable, but my mum still worries about me.
"Just a siren somewhere. I'd better go check it out." I quickly stripped off my outer clothes, revealing my super-suit underneath. I had long ago ditched the mask – it itched my face, and was awkward to carry around with me when I wasn't in costume. It hardly seemed needed anyway – as Naomi, no one even knew me.
"Take care, love" said mum, as I headed for the door.
I soon found the source of the siren. A team of firemen were outside a factory not far from the Quayside. I landed lightly beside them.
"Anything I can do to help?" I asked the fireman who appeared to be in charge.
"Hi Ultra Woman. No, I think we've got this one under control. There's no one inside, and we've got here before the fire's really got started."
I nodded, but did a quick scan of the building with my x-ray vision, just in case. Seeing that it was empty, I decided to leave. There was no point me helping with putting out a straight-forward fire. I always tried to be mindful of the work that the local authorities did. I was here to help, not put people out of work by doing jobs that they could do.
Having got myself all keyed up for a bit of rescuing, I didn't feel like heading straight home. Instead, I hovered around the sky for a bit, looking out for anyone that might need some help. It was a pretty quiet evening, but at last I caught sight of two women arguing beside a freshly crashed car. It didn't seem like a bad smash, but I decided to take a look - the women were very pretty. Oh, don't get me wrong: I don't just help out the attractive citizens of Bristol! The less aesthetically pleasing people also get my help. It's just an added bonus sometimes, being able to chat up good looking damsels in distress. And since I have x-ray vision, I can find out in advance if it's going to be worth my effort.
Not that I do that of course.
No way.
Definitely not.
"Ladies, is everything okay?" I asked as I landed close to the women. Two identical pairs of brown eyes turned to face me - they were twins. And seeing them up close, I instantly upgraded my assessment of them from 'pretty' to 'gorgeous'. Both of them rolled their eyes at me, almost in unison.
"Does it look like everything's okay?" Asked one, gesturing in the direction of the car. Its front end was wrapped around a tree. Although the smash can't have been at speed, the car looked in very bad shape, as it had absorbed the brunt of the impact. "I've totalled my Mercedes."
"I told you to keep your eyes on the road" snapped the other girl.
"It wasn't my fault!" Argued the first girl. "We passed a well fit guy, I was just having a look!"
The twins began bickering over the accident. I stood there feeling very uncomfortable, not sure if I should try to intervene. It didn't seem wise. I'll happily step in front of a runaway freight train, but even I'm not stupid enough to get involved in a family row. Instead, I just watched them while they argued. They really were two of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. They weren't very tall, but they had curves in all the right places. One – the one who's car it was – had dark brown, almost purple hair. It was long, and fell in gentle curls around her face. The other twin had bright red hair, also long, but it had been straightened. There was something vaguely familiar about the two of them that I just couldn't place.
"Are you still here?" Asked the red-head sharply, reminding me that I had been staring a little.
"Can I help?" I asked, feeling a little thrown by their reception of me so far. I was used to people being glad to see me when I turned up to offer assistance.
"Not unless you're from the AA" answered the red-head with a sneer. The other girl elbowed her sister in the ribs.
"Don't be rude, Em! She could drop us off."
"Sure" I answered, with my warmest smile. "I'll take you wherever you want to go."
Please say to heaven and back!
"Robenna Mansion" said the girl who owned the car. I stared at her.
"Robenna Mansion – as in the Fitch estate?"
Rob and Jenna Fitch were the premier couple in Bristol. Self-made millionaires, the two of them were almost as famous in this town as me. They ran their own huge corporation, and had a vast private estate in the most exclusive area of town.
"Yes" said the brunette, with a tone that implied that what she was telling me was obvious. "We're their daughters. I'm Katie, this is Emily." That would explain why these two ladies seemed familiar – they appeared in the society pages of the local press almost as often as Jenna and Rob.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Ultra Woman."
Katie chuckled.
"Yeah, I kind of got that from the way you flew out of the sky." I shrugged awkwardly. I'm still struggling a little with the whole fame thing – I keep forgetting that everyone already knows who I am. I guess I am rather unique. "I'm glad I've met you, actually" continued Katie. "There's something I've always wanted to ask you."
"Look, if this is about my fingers…"
Katie waved a hand dismissively.
"No, it's about the outfit. Why spandex? The whole thing is just a complete fashion nightmare!" She looked me up and down with a look of utter distain.
"My mum made it for me" I muttered, feeling the last remnants of my usual confidence trickle away in the face of this feisty brunette. She shrugged, seemingly appeased by my answer.
"Well can you drop us off then?" She asked suddenly.
"She's not carrying me anywhere" grumbled Emily, staring at her sister. She had hardly made eye contact with me at all. "Besides, we can't just leave your car."
"So get in the car, and I'll carry that" I offered. God, what the fuck was I doing? She clearly didn't want my help, yet here I was falling over myself to be useful to them. Emily let out a low sigh.
"Fine" she muttered, as she climbed into the back seat of the car. Katie followed her, and once the two of them were safely strapped in, I carefully picked up the car and set off in the direction of the Fitch family home.
It wasn't too far by air, and soon I was gently lowering Katie's totalled Mercedes onto the gravel driveway of Robenna Mansion.
"Are you okay, girls?" Asked a thick scouse accent, coming from the direction of the massive house. I turned to see Mr Fitch himself walking towards us. Both girls assured him that they were fine. Once certain of that, Mr Fitch turned to face me.
"Ah, Ultra Woman! At last we meet!" He held a hand out to me, which I shook. He seemed to be one of those men that prided himself on the strength of his handshake – he gripped my hand firmly with his. It was a little rash, considering that I could break all the bones in his hand if I wanted to. "I take it you've just saved my two girls, eh?"
"I just gave them a ride home" I answered, not wanting to overstate my role.
"Well that's very kind of you" said Mr Fitch warmly. He turned to face the twins. "Did you two girls say thank you to Ultra Woman, for getting you home?" I bit back a laugh. His tone reminded me of when I was a kid, and mum used to say 'did you remember to thank Mrs Stonem for your tea?'
"Thanks" said Emily, with a cold scowl. I wondered just what her problem with me was.
"Yeah, thanks Ultra Woman" said Katie, with a genuine friendliness to her voice. Well, at least one twin seems to like me. Mr Fitch seemed placated, and either didn't notice or chose to ignore Emily's rudeness. He gave me a huge, toothy smile. That reminds me: I must get our old piano tuned.
"We're doing this little event tomorrow, if you'd like to come along" he told me. "Fitch Corporation is opening up a new charity organisation."
I hesitated, trying to think of a suitable excuse. Personal appearances are my least favourite thing. I'm usually just expected to stand around looking all heroic, or maybe deliver a lame speech. Besides, I rarely endorsed anything without stringently checking it out for myself, first.
"The girls will be there. And so will my wife – I'd love you to meet her."
"Okay" I found myself saying. What the fuck? "Sure, I'd love to."
"Great! It's tomorrow, seven in the evening, at Fitch Corp head office." He gestured back in the direction of the house. "But why don't you come in, have a drink?"
"Oh, no thanks, not when I'm flying" I told him. It was really just an excuse – alcohol has no effect on me at all, I just wanted to get away. "I better get going. See you tomorrow Mr Fitch."
"Call me Rob" he shouted after me, as I soared into the air.
Okay, what the hell just happened? Why on earth did I just agree to do some stupid public appearance for Fitch Corp, with no more than a day's notice?
"Mum's going to go mental at me" I told Effy. After leaving Robenna Mansion, I had headed straight to Effy's house and told her all about my meeting with the Fitch twins and their father. "She hates these big, faceless corporations. She's always saying it's about time Rob Fitch had a charitable part of his organisation." I frowned. "I don't even know why I said I'd do it." Effy raised a questioning eyebrow at me.
"Really? I thought it was obvious."
"Please enlighten me" I requested sarcastically, not really in the mood for Effy's usual all-knowing aura. She smirked at me.
"Since you got here, all you've talked about is that beautiful but surly red-head."
"Emily? No, it's not about her. Anyway, who said she's beautiful?" I knew I was arguing that grass isn't green with that part, but I hate it that Effy is so often right.
"You did" she answered. "She's obviously caught your interest. You're so used to girls throwing themselves at you, that you want to know why this one doesn't even seem to like you." I mulled that over for a moment before answering. There was certainly something about Emily that kept me thinking about her. It was true that I'd barely talked about anything else since arriving at Effy's house. And hadn't I been all set to turn Mr Fitch down, until he mentioned that the twins would be there?
"Oh God, I'm so shallow!"
Effy chuckled at me.
"It's not shallow, you're just sick of girls that look for your attention."
"So what do I do?" I asked pathetically. Effy just shrugged. Perfect! Why the fuck isn't she 'all-knowing' when I want her to be? "You're no help" I snapped.
"Just turn on the Ultra Woman charm" she answered with a grin. I nodded absently. That approach certainly seemed to work with most women. "Or failing that, just x-ray her, then at least you can say that you've seen her naked." I rolled my eyes at Effy.
"I don't do that" I insisted.
"I know" she said simply. Then as an afterthought, she added "Oh, did I mention? I'm thinking of getting my birthmark removed."
"You don't have a birthmark."
"And just how would you know that?" She asked with another smirk.
"Bitch."
The next evening, I went as promised to The Fitch Corporation. It was an informal drinks and canapés reception for the usual faces of the local council, local celebrities, and people from the business world. Mr Fitch had gone all out to make it a fancy affair. Everyone was in their finest clothes, leaving me feeling – not for the first time - rather ridiculous in my usual bright pink outfit. The twins were dressed identically in beautiful purple dresses, though I suspected that dressing alike hadn't been their own choice.
I stood next to Mr Fitch on a temporary podium as he made his opening address. For a man who had to make a lot of speeches, he was terrible at public speaking. I swallowed a yawn as he waffled on endlessly about the good work that his charity foundation will do. Then he began talking about what appeared to be his favourite topic: himself. Mr Fitch was proud to be known as a self-made man, and seemed to relish any opportunity to talk about his accomplishments.
"You can achieve anything that you put your mind to" he was telling the assembled crowd. "My wife Jenna and I are always telling our three lovely kids that. If you have a burning desire to achieve something, then just do it. Like me, you too can… scratch that Fitch."
I wrinkled my nose at the unfortunate image that his words created. An awkward silence hung in the room, as Mr Fitch paused in his speech. I glanced over his shoulder at the card that he had been reading from. Rather ambitiously, he had written 'pause for laughs' under his previous line. He seemed oblivious to the fact that no one was laughing.
Eventually his speech drew to a close, and everyone was able to begin some serious drinking, which was what I suspected everyone was really there for. I made a bee-line for the twins. Katie greeted me in a friendly manner, but I was peeved to see that Emily was still being very distant.
"You look fantastic" I told them with an appraising look. Katie grinned broadly at me.
"Thanks! You look like Barbara Cartland's personal shopper."
I laughed. There was a refreshing bluntness to this girl that I couldn't help warming to.
"Yeah, not much call for super-heroes to wear posh frocks" I told her with a grin. Emily just scowled. Okay, that girl is seriously tugging on my cape now. What on earth is her attitude all about?
I glanced up to see Mr and Mrs Fitch walking over to us.
"Great speech dad" said Katie. Mr Fitch beamed with pride.
"Thanks love. They loved it, didn't they?" We all muttered fake platitudes about how well his speech had gone. Mr Fitch accepted them readily. Then he turned to face me. "Ah, I see you're getting on well with my two girls here, Ultra Woman" he said with a smile. "I'd like to introduce you to my wonderful wife, Jenna." The imposing figure of Jenna Fitch moved closer.
"Delighted to meet you!" She told me with enthusiasm. "Rob told me all about how you saved our daughters." Emily scoffed at that and crossed her arms across her chest.
"I didn't do anything, really" I insisted, but Mrs Fitch had already made up her mind about the event.
"Nonsense! There's no need to be so modest. You absolutely must come over for a family dinner, and let us thank you properly." My first instinct was to decline – she seemed far too keen for my liking. But then I caught sight of a scowl on Emily's face, and once again I was agreeing to something against my better judgement.
"I'd love to" I found myself saying. "Just tell me when."
Mrs Fitch snatched onto my acceptance immediately.
"You will? Oh, wonderful! Tomorrow. You shall come over tomorrow, and have a Fitch family dinner with us."
"Okay" I agreed. Well that sounds nice, doesn't it? A family meal with all of the Fitches. Jenna actually seems lovely and friendly – I'm sure I'll have a great time.
Right?