Jake. Edward Jacob Swan, my son. Edward's son.
Though, of course, Edward had no idea. For the longest time, I had no idea either.
It wasn't until eight weeks after I arrived in Florida that I noticed that I hadn't had my regular monthly visitor at all. I wasn't too worried. Edward and I had been safe, using condoms every time. But still I wondered. So, I did what any red blooded American teenager would do, I googled it. By the end of the search I was certain I wasn't pregnant, since I had none of the other symptoms; no increased urination, breast tenderness, headaches, back aches, or nausea. In fact I decided that I was either suffering from extreme stress or some form of cancer. I was leaning towards stress, given the circumstances of my life at the time. In passing, I mentioned it to my mother. To say that she was more proactive with things was an understatement.
"Hurry Bella," my mother said, waiting at the door to the garage impatiently.
"It isn't like Walmart is going to close," I groused as I came down the stairs, ready to go.
"We need answers, Bella," she admonished. "I need to know if I am going to be a grandma right now."
"Geez, Mom," I said. "Don't sound so excited."
"Honey," she said, pulling me in for a hug. "Pregnant or not pregnant, Phil and I will be there for you every step of the way. A baby is a blessing, even if the timing is off."
"Thanks Mom," I replied. "I think."
When we got to Walmart, my mother rushed over to the pharmacy section and chose two different tests, rushing to the cashier next. By the time she paid, she was tugging me into the Walmart bathroom.
"Can't it wait until home?" I asked. Maybe I whined. Public bathrooms are gross, especially the ones in Walmart.
"Just take the test," my mother sighed, herding me into a stall.
"I think I can do this part alone," I told her, closing the door. I prepared both of the tests and put a paper cover over the seat before sitting to take the tests.
"Go figure," I said after a few moments. "I finally have anxiety about taking a test, and it's a test I am hoping to fail."
"Knowledge is power, Bella," she said. "Knowing the results won't change anything. Now you'll just know if..."
"If I should sign up for 16 and pregnant?" I asked.
"Can you please just pee on the sticks?" she laughed. My mother was crazy, impetuous, and totally listening for the sound of me peeing.
"Can you turn on some water or something," I begged.
"Fine," she said. As soon as the water was on I was able to complete the tests. I had my pants pulled up, and almost done up when I saw the results.
PREGNANT. My pregnancy was relatively easy. In fact, other than the gigantic protruding belly, you would never have known. My mom and Phil, my friends and the school were all so incredibly supportive during my pregnancy. My friends never judged... well they didn't judge me at least. Edward was another story. They were there with me every step of the way, even joining the yoga class that my mother insisted that I join with her. It certainly helped with my usual awkward and stumbling movements, especially when I couldn't even see my feet. The school was incredible, allowing me to work ahead in most of my classes so I had a lighter load to deal with in May, when he was due.
My friends were there for everything, well, almost everything. They came to doctor's appointments, and ultrasounds. During our final exams, my friends would rub my Buddha belly for luck. They were amazing. They cheered so loud when I walked across the stage to collect my diploma, the blue gown almost hiding my enormous belly. And four days later they squealed in delight as they came into the room to meet Jake, when he came screaming into the world after nine hours of labor.
Jake had his dad's copper hair, and piercing green eyes. In fact, he looked just like Edward in almost every way. My mother had tried to convince me to tell Edward about the baby through my whole pregnancy, and especially after he was born. My friends did too. My head knew that I should... my heart couldn't. Edward had already rejected me... I couldn't stand for him to reject Jake too.
My heart clenched painfully in my chest as I looked down at Jake, who was sound asleep in my arms. He was such a good baby, as long as he was fed on schedule. He was almost three months old now and probably the happiest baby you'd ever meet. He was a major flirt, smiling and giggling whenever someone talked to him and kicking his feet excitedly when it was someone he recognized. All of my friends adored him, as did his Nana and Papa.
As we began our descent into Boston, my nerves picked up again, and the questions that had been plaguing me the last few days were swirling again. Would I see Edward here? Would I tell him about Jake? Could I? As Jake sucked on his fist in his sleep, I wondered these things over and over. The second I thought I'd made up my mind one way or another, I'd change it again. As we disembarked, my mother and Phil were right there waiting for us. My mom happily took Jake from my arms, kissing his pudgy cheeks and marveling how much he had grown in the last few days. Phil gave me a hug and told me he was proud of me for the thousandth time.
I looked around the airport as we waited for my luggage. The last time I'd been in this airport, Edward had had his arms wrapped around me. I had been so naive and happy. I had been so wrong. I took Jake back from my mom and kissed the soft skin of his cheek. He opened his green eyes and smiled at me.
"Hi, Baby Boy," I cooed to him.
"Are you okay, Bella?" my mom asked, wrapping her arm around me.
"I will be," I said, not taking my eyes off Jake. I would be okay. I had to be for him. Phil collected Jake's and my bags and guided us out to the SUV. Once we were in and on our way, my mother talked non-stop about the house. It was an older house that had been split in two so that Jake and I would have our own space and Mom and Phil would have theirs. They had spent the last week working with a decorator to complete both halves of the house. I worried a little that my mother's more... eclectic tastes would have won out in both areas but Phil assured me that I would love my space. We stopped for lunch and so I could nurse Jake before we got on the highway to Hanover.
Jake, with his belly full, slept the whole car ride. As we got to town, the memories flooded back. The library where Edward and I studied. The restaurant where he gave me the promise ring. The dorms. The park. The movie theater. It was all there, unchanged from a year ago. Except it was different. I looked down at my sleeping son and took a deep breath. I could do this for Jake.
"Jake has his own nursery in our place too," Renee gushed. "You're going to love them both."
"I'm sure they're both perfect," I said, smiling at my mom, concentrating on holding myself together. She may have bought it, but I could tell by the looks Phil was giving me through the rear-view mirror, that he wasn't.
"Here's our house," my mother chirped happily as we pulled into a long driveway at the end of a quiet street. The old Victorian home was beautiful and I was completely in love.
"What is that?" I asked, pointing to a car parked in front. It had a big red bow on it.
"It's your new car," my mom squealed.
"I thought we agreed that I didn't need a car. The campus is in walking distance and..." I started to argue.
"That's true," my mom said. "But with Jake, we wanted to make sure you guys were free to do what you needed and wanted to do. You've grown up so fast and you take care of him way better than most moms twice your age. Bella we are just so proud of you and want you to have everything."
"Oh, mom," I said, giving her a hug. "Thank you."
She squealed delightedly and bounced over to get Jake from the car while I hugged Phil.
"Thank you," I said as I gave him a hug.
"I know this is going to be tough on you, Kiddo, and your mom and I want to do what we can to make it easier," he said, kissing the top of my head.
My mom was talking to Jake, who may or may not have been awake as she brought him in to show him his bedrooms; the jungle nursery on her side, and the fishbowl nursery on mine. Other than Jake's room, my whole side of the house was decorated with light paint and dark wood furniture. The decorator had my tastes nailed. My office had a big desk and a wall full of built in book shelves. Most of my stuff was already unpacked, except for the boxes from Charlie's and the suitcases I had brought with me.
"Your kitchen is stocked with all new gadgets and stuff," my mom said as I walked into the completely modern kitchen. "I left the food for you to take care of since I don't really cook."
"Thanks, Mom," I said, hugging her again. "Thank you guys for doing this all for Jake and me."
"Any time, Baby," she said, kissing my forehead.
I spent the rest of the night unpacking the clothes Jake and I had brought with us and decided to order pizza for dinner. Grocery shopping could wait until morning.
"Bella," my mom called from the front door the next morning as I was dressing Jake to go to the grocery store. "The decorator will be here to put up pictures and stuff today. I had a whole bunch of the pictures of you and Jake framed so do you have anywhere you want them or can she just have free reign.
"Hey," I said, coming down the stairs. "Just have her put them anywhere. She has done an amazing job so far."
"Where are you two off to?" she asked.
"Grocery store," I said.
"Do you want me to keep him while you shop?" she asked.
"You don't have to," I said to her, not wanting to foist Jake upon her too often.
"I want to," she said, plucking him from my arms. "I haven't seen him in so long." She immediately went into baby babble mode, cooing at Jake.
"It would be faster," I said, though I doubt she was truly paying attention. "Do you need anything?"
"Hmmm," she said, looking up from her baby-coma. "I don't think so. Phil got us all the essentials the other day."
"He just ate so he should be good until I get back. If not, there is milk is in the freezer," I said, kissing Jake.
She took him back to her place and I closed the door and went out to my new car. I guess it was more of a crossover than a car. I hopped in and navigated the path to the grocery store. Since I was mainly just feeding myself, I bought a lot of smaller portions, but did get some bigger things to make meals for all of us a couple of times. When my cart was full I paid, and allowed the clerk to help me out to the car. I was just getting in when I saw him.
Edward.
My breath caught in my throat and tears stung my eyes. He was just as gorgeous as ever. He walked across the parking lot and into the store. I regained my composure and waited to see him come out. He didn't disappoint, coming out a few minutes later with a small bag. He jogged over to a silver Volvo and hopped in, starting up the car and almost peeling out of the parking lot. I started my car and drove out, at a much slower pace.
Edward was here. Suddenly pre-med seemed like an awful choice since I knew that Edward was doing the same program, and Hanover seemed like an impossibly small town. By the time I got home, I had calmed down and decided to stay. Just because we might have a class together didn't mean that we'd have to talk. And even if we shared a few words, it didn't mean he ever had to know about Jake. The ball was still in my court.
When I got home, there was a car in the driveway. Obviously, the designer's. I unloaded my groceries from the car, placing all the bags in the kitchen, before heading over to get Jake from my mom. As I stepped in the front door, I heard my mom and Jake in the living room. As I turned in, I saw the decorator, cooing over my son. Her grandson.
"Hello," I said, as she looked up at me.
"Bella," my mom said, turning to face me. "I'm glad you're home. Jake is getting hungry."
"Bella?" Esme asked, looking at me. "Isabella Swan?"
"Hello, Mrs. Cullen," I said again, moving towards them and gathering Jake from my mother. I didn't know how much Esme knew about Edward's and my relationship, but if she did, she'd figure out right quick that Jake was her grandson.
"Cullen?" my mom asked, still clueless. "I thought your name was Masen."
"I use my maiden name when working," Esme said. "It's good to see you Bella. You look good."
"Thank you," I said, cradling Jake to me.
"Did you meet here in Hanover?" my mother asked, still not getting the connection. She knew Edward's last name. She just couldn't piece it all together.
"No," Esme answered. "From Forks. Bella was in the same class as my son."
My mother turned and stared at me, eyes the size of saucers as she finally got the connection.
"Well," I said, as Jake started snuffling and rooting around. "I'd better get home and feed him. I'll talk to you both later."
"I'll be over to hang your pictures soon," Esme said. "I have a few more to do for your mother first."
"Sounds good," I said, thinking it sounded anything but good.
I went home and nursed Jake, before changing him and setting him in his bouncy seat in the kitchen so I could put my groceries away. The butterflies in my stomach were in full flight and I was sure I was going to throw up when I heard the knock. I gathered Jake into my arms and went to let Esme in.
"Hello, Dear," she said sweetly.
"Mrs. Cullen," I said politely. "Come in."
"Thank you," she said, sweet tone still in place.
She closed the door behind her.
"Is this why you left?" she asked, any trace of sweetness or politeness gone from her voice.
"What do you mean?" I asked, holding Jake tightly to my chest.
"Why you left Forks without a word to Edward," she clarified angrily. "I'm not a fool. I know this is my son's baby."
"He is," I confirmed. "But that wasn't why I left Forks. I had no clue I was pregnant until eight weeks later."
"And still you didn't call," she said.
"No, I didn't," I said, walking away from her and into the kitchen. I held Jake tightly to my chest as I sat on a chair.
"Do I get an explanation?" she asked angrily.
"I guess," I said, still not offering it.
"I think you owe us that," she said.
"I guess that's true," I said, realizing there was no real way out of it.
"I take it you weren't at boarding school then," she said angrily.
"Boarding school?" I asked.
"In Switzerland," she clarified.
"I've never even been to Canada," I said. "Why would you think I was in Switzerland?"
"So you left Forks and went?" she said, like it was a question.
"To my mother's house in Florida," I said.
"Why? Why did you do that? Why did you make your father lie for you?" she asked angrily.
"I didn't make Charlie do anything," I said angrily. "In fact I haven't even spoken to him since the day I got to Florida."
"What?" she asked again. "Why would you just completely abandon your own father?"
"Abandon my father?" I asked her. "You have definitely got that the wrong way."
"What do you mean?" she asked, pulling out a chair and sitting. "I am trying very hard not to freak out, but that is my grandson that you are holding. A grandson that I knew nothing about until a few moments ago. Now, I am obviously working under a whole lot of misconceptions, and it would be really helpful if you filled me in."
"Where do you want me to start?" I asked her with a sigh.
"You and Edward were in a relationship here. You flew home together, and then..." she said, leading me directly into one of the most horrific days of my life.
"I can't," I said, tears coursing down my cheeks.
"Please Bella," Esme begged. "I think you owe it to me... to Edward..."
"I don't owe Edward anything," I snarled, holding Jake even tighter to me. Tears started to fall as I let myself think of the worst day of my life, preparing to share it with Esme.
"That's his son, Bella," she said. "You were in a relationship and then you were gone. No explanations."
"Do you want to know? Do you really?" I asked angrily, not even attempting to stop the tears.
"Yes," she said. "I want to know why you couldn't even have called. Does your father even know he is a grandpa?"
"Charlie," I scoffed. "No, he doesn't know. He forfeited that right."
"Please, Bella," she said, her softer tone returning.
"I should go," I said looking at her in a panic. "I'll leave and you can pretend you never saw me."
"He's my grandson, Bella," she said. "I can't just forget that. I won't. Edward deserves a chance here."
"A chance to reject his son like he rejected me? I don't think so."
"Rejected you?" she asked. "How did anyone reject you?"
"Oh God! Where should I start?" I asked.
"Please, Bella," she simply said, staring at me and my son.
"Edward and I never ran in the same circles in Forks. In fact, he and his group seemed to be the ones that set out to make my life completely miserable at every turn. Edward and I never even really spoke until we got to Dartmouth, unless it was about some project we were forced to work on together. Even then contact was absolutely minimal. To him and his friends I was just Bella the Brain, or Nerdbird, or Ugly Duckling... or any one of the other miserable names that they made up to make my life hell. Then we got here. It was so different... so big that we kind of stuck together for some sense of familiarity. But in doing that, I got to know him, at least I think I did. I never would have imagined it possible, but I fell in love with him."
"Love," she scoffed.
"Love," I reiterated, looking at her fiercely. "I didn't want to fall in love with him. I fought against it but I couldn't. It was perfect, and real and coming to an end so quickly..."
"An end?" she asked.
"We were going home.I was so scared that things would go back to the way they were. I wanted to believe Edward, to believe that what was happening between us was real. He promised me so many times that once we stepped off the plane that nothing would change. He'd still want me... love me. He promised me that we'd be forever, and I believed him."
"But you decided not to be on the pill as a backup plan," she said.
"He knew I wasn't on the pill. I had never had a reason to before Edward. He had condoms and used them every time," I said. "Obviously one failed."
"Fine," she said, sighing. "Go on."
"On the plane... he had to keep reassuring me. I was so worried. Right before we came through those doors he promised me he loved me and that we'd be forever one last time," I said, tears streaming down my cheeks. "Then we got through the doors and I was shoved away from him. I stepped to the side and waited but he was swept away by you guys and his friends, not even looking for me. So I gathered my bag and found a bench, waiting for my... waiting for Charlie. I watched as you all left together, talking and joking happily... and still I waited. Finally, an hour later I tried to call Charlie at home. He was there. He had forgotten I was coming home that day. He had a woman at the house..."
"Tanya Denali no doubt," Esme said, distaste obvious in her words. "So you stayed with friends in Seattle."
"I don't know anybody in Seattle," I said.
"So where did... So what happened?" she asked, her face looking rather horrified and if she had started to piece some things together.
"Charlie told me to bus home," I said.
Esme's eyes flashed open and she stared at me dumbfounded.
"So, I caught a city bus from the airport to the bus station and waited there for three hours for the next bus. I got on, hoping to sleep, but when I saw the other passengers on board, I was too freaked out. I finally got to Port Angeles at 3:00 am and tried calling Charlie again. He still didn't answer, so I tried Edward's cell because I was so scared and alone sitting in the bus station in the middle of the night. He didn't answer. So I waited until 6:40, and took the first bus to Forks. I got off at 8:00 by the diner and tried to call Charlie again. Still nothing. I tried to call Edward's cell, but it went to voicemail..."
"Bella," she said, her eyes filled with tears.
"Sue was so kind to me. She let me sit and eat, even though I didn't have any money to pay her for my meal. It was the first meal I'd had since getting off the plane the day before."
Tears were coming down Esme's cheeks now too, and she made no move to stop them. I rocked Jake against my chest, holding onto him for support.
"I was so tired and hurt. Then... then Alice and Rosalie came into the diner," I said, shifting Jake in my arms. He had fallen asleep, and I caressed his little cheek and smoothed his hair before kissing his forehead and looking back at Esme. "They sat in the booth behind mine. The things they said... I tried so hard not to believe them, but they knew things from Edward... and I..." I sobbed as I told her what they'd said. "When they left I walked home. I took a shower and I tried Edward's cell again, before eventually calling you."
"You never called me," she said, almost harshly again.
"I did. I asked you if Edward was there. You told me he was in a hurry to go see his girlfriend."
"That was you?" she asked, her voice suddenly full of doubt.
"Yeah," I said. "So I waited. I believed in Edward. I was so certain he was coming to see me. Even after everything that happened at the airport and everything that Rosalie and Alice said, I still believed Edward. I wanted him to come and see me so bad... I wanted him to tell me that everything was going to be okay. But he never came. Finally, I understood that I was not the girlfriend he was in a hurry to see. Charlie still hadn't even bothered to show up or call. I knew then that he didn't want me... I wasn't Edward's girlfriend, and I was going to be made fun of at school the next day. My only friend Angela Weber had gone to Texas... I had never felt more alone. I had no reason to stay, and every reason to get the hell out of town. So, I called my mom and arranged to move to Florida with her, but still I hoped for Edward. I called him one last time, getting his voicemail again. I left him a message and packed what I could before getting in my truck and driving back to Seattle for my flight to Jacksonville."
"Dear God," Esme said, her hand covering her mouth as her eyes continued to water.
"When I got to Florida... I was so convinced that nobody wanted me, that I was worthless. I actually thought that my mom wasn't even going to pick me up from the airport. She did. She took me home and held me as I cried and stood by me every moment after. Charlie called late Monday night, over 24 hours after I left Forks, demanding that I return immediately. He was furious that I left, not because he was going to miss me so much, or anything like that. No, he was only worried what people would think. When I refused his demands, he hung up on me. He called back two days later and demanded that we come and get all my stuff before he threw it all in the trash. Phil was on a plane that night. Charlie has never tried to contact me since, and he even returned a birthday card I sent him unopened."
"So he doesn't know about your son?" she asked.
"No," I said. "I didn't even know I was pregnant until October. I attributed my missed cycle to stress. I never really had any other symptoms."
"Any the baby... he's okay?" she asked.
"He's perfect," I said. "He was born a few days after his due date and has reached all his milestones so far."
"How big was he?" she asked.
"Seven pounds even," I said.
"Edward was only five pounds and six ounces when he was born," she said, staring at Jake. "He was ten pounds at six weeks though."
"Jake was eleven pounds at his six week check up. The doctor commented on what a good eater he was," I said, smiling down at my sleeping son.
"I... There's so much you don't know," Esme said, surprising me. "You really need to talk to Edward."
"I can't," I said to her.
"I understand that you're scared," she said. "But Jake needs his dad. He deserves that."
"What if Edward doesn't want him? What if he..." I said.
"Let me tell you one thing. Then my son can tell you the rest," she said. "We moved to Hanover the day after he graduated and Edward has been hoping to see you ever since."
"Me? Why?" I asked.
"I can't answer that," she said. "But Jacob deserves his dad and Edward deserves a chance to be a father."
"His full name is Edward Jacob," I said, looking down at Jake again. "I had chosen Jacob before he was born... but he looked so much like Edward..."
"He really does," Esme said. "I was stunned when I first saw his pictures. I would have sworn they were pictures of Edward. Then I saw him at your mom's and I wanted to ask if he looked like his mom or his dad... I didn't even have the chance before you came in. I knew instantly."
"I'm sorry," I said. "I didn't mean to keep you from him."
"Can I hold him?" she asked.
"I guess so," I said, standing up and placing him in her arms.
"Hi, Jake," she cooed to him, even though he was sleeping. "I'm your grandma."
"Knock, knock," my mom said, opening the front door. "Did you get all..." She stopped short, looking at both Esme's and my tear-stained faces. "Oh!"
"Mom," I said. "Meet Esme Cullen, EJ's other grandma."
"I... I... I... I have no clue what to even say," my mother said. "Are you okay, Bella?"
"I think so," I said. "I told her everything. Apparently Charlie told everyone I was at boarding school."
"Boarding school?" Renee asked.
"In Switzerland," Esme supplied.
"I don't even know what to say," Renee said. "I don't know why he wouldn't have told the truth."
Esme's phone rang and she picked it up with Jake still cradled in one arm.
"Hello," she said into the phone.
"Hi Honey," she said. "Did you pick up the eggs?" Probably Edward, since he had been at the grocery store.
"You'll never believe who I met today," she said. SHE DID NOT!
"Yes," she said happily. "Actually her mother and step father were the ones who hired me to decorate their house. She's here with me right now."
My eyes almost bugged out of my head as my mom moved to put her arms around me.
"Dinner?" she said. "Let me ask her."
My heart was pounding and my throat was dry.
"He'd like to take you to dinner tonight," she said, smiling at me.
"I can't," I almost gasped. "Jake..."
"Will be fine with me," Renee finished. "You need to do this, Bella."
"I..." I said.
"She says she'd love to," Esme said into the phone. "Sure, pick her up here at 7:00. She's the door on the right."
"He knows where I live?" I asked as she hung up the phone.
"Of course," she said as she returned her phone to her purse. "We live just down the street."
"Oh," I said. "You didn't tell him about Jake."
"No, I didn't," she said. "That's for you to do." I swallowed hard, willing my stomach contents to stay put.
"Will Dr. Cullen be angry?" I asked her.
"He'll be fine. I'll explain everything to him after Edward leaves," she said. "Do you have some pictures I can show him?"
"We certainly do," my mother piped in. "I have copies of all the pictures we had you hang today."
"That would be great," Esme said. "I'm sure he'll be wanting to see little Jake soon."
"I'm sure that can be arranged," Renee said, completely usurping the conversation. I was rather glad of that fact, considering that I was mentally freaking out about being face to face with Edward in just a couple of hours. The two of them started talking in greater detail so I wandered off to the kitchen to finish cleaning and putting things away. When I was done, I moved into my study and stared at the boxes that had come from Forks. For the life of me, I couldn't imagine what I could possibly have wanted in those boxes. I ignored them once again and moved into the living room. My mother was going full out describing my pregnancy as well as showing Esme the weekly pictures that she had insisted on taking of my belly. Esme was happily cuddling Jake, and listening intently to my mother.
"She wasn't very big," Esme said.
"Most people didn't even know she was pregnant until her last month," my mom said. I smiled briefly at them and moved upstairs, tidying my already clean house as I went.
At 5:30, Jake woke and made his demands known. I took him from Esme and brought him up to his fishbowl nursery to change and feed him. By 6:00 he was done and my mother came to get him so I could get ready. Ready. Somehow I didn't think I would ever be ready for this. I opted to stay casual, keeping my jeans on, but adding a fitted blouse instead. I applied light make-up, just lip gloss and eye liner, and brushed my hair out of it's normal ponytail into soft waves. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and bit my lip nervously. How was I supposed to get through this night?