Wanting to be Wanted
This is an AU/Tcest story. Interested then read. Not your cup of tea. I can totally respect that, but pass my story by and don't get all preachy. To each their own.
I own nothing. Dammit to hell!
Chapter Two
I grimaced and had to breathe deeply as the pain in my chest throbbed for several long moments. I looked up at the ceiling and sighed as I imagined my brothers twined together within their own little world.
"What is it like to be loved as fully as that?" I questioned before leaning up and looking towards the garage, "Be happy, Bros. I'm happy for you."
Walking to the kitchen, I sighed once again. I was happy for my brothers, but being with them was still a dream that I couldn't let go of. Not yet. I cursed softly when I realized that the "cupboards were bare" within the kitchen.
"What the shell has everyone been eating?" I wondered as I scribbled out a quick note and grabbed my phone and some household monies.
I walked from the lair briskly as I dialed Casey's number.
"Mikey?" Casey asked as he answered the call, "What's up, Bro? Ya feelin' bettah?"
"Hey, Case," I greeted, "Yes, I'm fine. Can you do me a favor and get some groceries for me? There is nothing left in the lair. I think my bros have been sucking on spaghetti noodles to get by."
I smiled as I heard my friend roar in laughter. I gave him my list and agreed to meet him on his roof to repay him and collect the groceries. I exited the sewers to see that it wasn't quite dark, but dark enough. Keeping to the shadows, I hopped up a fire escape to reach Casey's roof. I waited patiently for an hour and jumped at the ringing of my phone.
"Where the shell are you?" Leo blasted into my eardrum.
"Dude, chill," I soothed, "I left a note saying I was getting Casey to get some groceries. There was nothing to cook."
"Where are you?" my older brother snapped as I heard him running with what sounded like my other two brothers.
"I'm on Casey's roof," I answered and then halted when the door of the roof swung open, "Casey's here now."
"Stay there and don't go anywhere," Leo hissed and hung up on me.
Rude! I greeted Casey and gave him the money to cover the grocery bill. We chatted for all of two minutes when Casey's phone rang. I had to cover my mouth with a fist when Casey had to hold his phone a foot away from his ear as Raph tore him a new one.
"Dude, chill," Casey groaned as I rolled my eyes at him as he was finally able to get a word in edgewise, "Mike is right here. No. He looks fine. I'll ask. Mikey, did you encounter any Foot or criminals that took advantage of you having just been ill?"
"Nope," I giggled out as I snatched the phone from Casey, "Raph, why are you angry at Casey? You know that we can get to the fire escape from the alleyway that holds the manhole we use in like ten seconds flat."
"Not tha point, Shell-Brain," my brother growled, "Ya ain't up ta ya usual performance levels. It was too much of a risk for ya ta be up top. Leo and Donnie are practically havin' a panic attack here. Stay with Casey. Put him back on tha phone."
I handed Casey his phone back with an apologetic look. The human grinned at me before putting the phone back to his ear and nodding like Raph was going to hear his brain shaking around in his noggin.
"Got it," Casey sighed out as he rolled his eyes at me, "I ain't goin' nowheres. See ya, Raph. Ya in so much trouble, Mike-ster."
"They'll get over it," I sighed as I pulled my knees up to my chest, "They should have stocked the kitchen. Bros are being overly protective again."
"Ya their baby bro," Casey scolded gently as he sat beside me, "They are always going ta protect ya until ya all old and grey. That's what big brothers do."
"Mmhm," I hummed as Casey and I sat quietly until three turtle-shaped shadows hopped up on the darkened roof a minute later, "Hey, Guys."
"Put this on," Donnie insisted as he marched up and handed me a large, black hoodie, "You should not be out in the cold, night air."
I slipped into the hoodie and emerged from the neck to see Leo glaring angrily at me.
"No more topside until Sensei gives you permission, Michelangelo," my oldest brother gritted out and used my full name which meant he was upset and stressed.
"Got it," I easily agreed, "Didn't think that grocery shopping would be that big of a problem. Sorry I scared you."
I looked over and saw Casey and Raph having a quiet conversation. Raph caught my eye and glared which made me duck my head sheepishly. His face instantly softened and he walked over with the bags of groceries.
"We ready ta bolt?" Raph inquired as I stood up.
"Yes," Leo agreed before looking over at Casey, "Thanks for your help and staying with Mikey."
"No prob," Casey drawled, "Keep yaselves safe."
My bros and I went on silent mode until we were safely in the sewers. I flinched when Leo whirled on me.
"Never do that again!" Leo snapped looking livid, "If the Foot had been out there you would have been trounced!"
"Okay," I breathed feeling worn and tired all of a sudden, "It will never happen again."
Donnie walked up and put his arm around my shoulders looking concerned. I shot him an apologetic look and leaned against him a moment before taking his hand and tugging him in the direction of the lair. The four of us traveled silently and I felt all the looks thrown in my direction, but I choose to ignore them. Leo stopped me at the lair's door looking contrite.
"I'm sorry that I yelled at you," he began, but I waved to silence him.
"No. It's cool, Dude," I denied, "I didn't think this through very well. I really am sorry to have scared you three."
My brothers smiled in relief and nodded to show that they accepted my apology. We entered the lair and Raph helped me put the groceries away in the kitchen.
"Ya look tired," my red-banded brother observed.
"A little," I admitted.
"How about we do that lasagna tomorrow and ya go get some rest?" Raph suggested, "We'll grab a pizza tonight."
"That sounds like a plan," Donnie called from the doorway where he and Leo were hovering.
I nodded and cracked a classic "Mikey" smile before walking to the stairs. Their voices stopped me in my tracks.
"We've got ta be more careful," Raph whispered even though I was able to pick up on his voice through my training, "If we hadn't been havin' a little fun in tha garage we would have had a better eye on tha Knucklehead."
"My fault," Donnie moaned softly, "We've just have so little time together since Mikey got sick that I was getting a little needy."
A knife felt like it was cutting into my heart. Now I was interfering with the lovers' relationship? Shell! Shell! Shell!
"We like you needy," Leo purred as I heard Donnie gasp softly before I swiftly fled up the stairs to my room with no noise at all to my footsteps.
"Why can't you love me too?" my mind wailed as tears filled my eyes, "Why am I the only one that has to be alone?"
I reeled my thoughts in with an effort. It was unfair of me to think bad of my brothers. The heart decides for itself who it loves. There was something about me that wasn't "lover" material for my bros. I lay down on my bed and allowed the tears to flow. I had to let the pain of rejection out somehow. That way I wouldn't interfere in my brothers' relationship more than I already had. I must have fallen asleep because I woke to familiar hands rubbing my shell. It felt good.
"Donnie?" I asked as I looked up at him in confusion.
"You were crying," my brother informed me, "I came into to check on you and I found the tears on your cheeks. What's wrong, Mikey? Did we hurt your feelings today?"
"Shell no," I gasped sitting up, "I must have been having a dream. I wasn't crying when I fell asleep. I swear."
Donnie studied me carefully, but I kept the most innocent "I don't understand" look on my face as I stared at him wide-eyed. And the Oscar goes to….
"We need to start talking about your nightmares more," Donnie finally stated, "I think the dreams are causing you to not get proper sleep and I don't want another episode like that fever to occur. I want you to drink some of Sensei's tea that helps one relax tonight."
"Ew," I grimaced, "The one that taste like what feet smell like and makes me think that Leo has bunny ears?"
It was music to my ears when Donnie threw his head back and laughed joyously. This was my treasure. I could still make my brothers laugh.
"Maybe, I'll just start you off with chamomile tea," Donnie giggled as I smiled softly.
"What is so funny?" Leo asked from the doorway as he and Raph peeked into my room.
"Donnie wanted to make me drink Sensei's special tea," I announced which made Raph snort in laughter as memories of the last time I drank that tea filled his mind.
"No, Donnie," Leo shuddered out, "It took me hours to convince Mikey that I didn't have blue, bunny ears on my head last time and I wasn't very happy that he kept checking my rear for a bunny tail. Why does Mikey need something to aid his sleep anyway?"
"No reason," I quickly asserted, but cowed when Donnie looked at me.
"Leo is our leader," my brother informed me, "He needs to be on 'the know' about everything so when he is making decision he is able to do so with all known variables."
I sighed and nodded as Leo came fully into the room and sat at the end of my bed.
"What is going on that I don't know about?" Leo questioned while Raph leaned in my doorframe looking concerned.
"Mikey doesn't remember that he was crying in his sleep," Donnie explained making Leo and Raph sit up straighter, "His dreams are getting a little too intense and I want to see if I can assist him in reaching past the REM level so he can forgo the dreams altogether."
"Lord," I wailed as I fell face down into my pillow as my brothers gasped around me, "I'm going to die from embarrassment!"
My cry was met with chuckles from my brothers.
"Shut up," I groaned into my pillow, "I'm the only ninja in the world that can be taken out by first a fever and now a silly dream."
"Drama queen," Raph laughed as I sat up and glared at the room in general, "We've all been laid up by sickness before. Plus, even I've taken a swig of chamomile tea ta settle myself down when I couldn't sleep. Nothin' ta be ashamed of."
"Fine," I agreed as I allowed Donnie to tug me down to eat pizza, "But no teasing or I really will drink Sensei's special tea."
"Heavens, no," Leo begged as we laughed at his stricken expression.
Time passed and I did as Donnie wanted me to and hid my feelings. I was finally deemed well enough to fully join the trainings and patrols again. I was able to get some sleep by using headphones to block out any of the mating noises coming from one of my brother's rooms. Sometimes I went and slept out on the couch.
My brothers' continued with their special relationship and I continued to play the role of little brother. It was a role that allowed me to help my brothers relax and laugh, but it was also a role that was chipping away at my very soul. I think that Master Splinter was beginning to suspect something and I was not surprised to feel him trying to enter my mind during each meditation session, but I had been developing my skills and was able to keep him at a distance.
"I cannot be the turtle that reveals my brothers' secret," I thought to myself, "I can do this much for my bros. I can protect their love for one another just in case Father does not understand."
I hid my feelings of abandonment as I started seeing less and less of my brothers during our free-times. I did what was expected out of me. I watched television, played videogames, joked, cooked, and simply died inside whenever I noticed a hidden gesture of love between my brothers. It grew hard to breathe at times, but I pushed through the pain.
"Michelangelo," Master Splinter called to me after one particularly vigorous training, "My son, I would like to speak with you."
I nodded as my brothers looked between Sensei and I curiously. I shrugged my shoulders at them and went to kneel in front of Master Splinter as my older siblings left the dojo.
"My son, I sense that there is something that is causing you strife," my Father began as he looked calm, but concerned, "Your brothers have been too busy to notice, but I can see that something is weighing on your mind."
Crap! Crap! Lies wouldn't work on Master Splinter.
"I've just been having some issues sleeping," I tried as Sensei looked at me doubtfully, "Everything is fine, Father. I've just been trying to work some stuff out in my head. It's a personal issue that I need to keep private."
"I can always lend a sympathetic ear and assist you with your thought processes if you would like," Sensei offered.
"I really appreciate that you want to help," I acknowledged, "But this is something I need to work out myself. I can't always turn to you and my brothers for everything all the time. I've got to learn to stand on my own two feet."
"That is a good lesson to learn when one is growing up," my father agreed as he smiled at me, "Just know that sometimes it is okay to rely on others."
"Hai, Sensei," I chirped as I fell back into the baby of the family role.
I left the dojo to go take a shower, but was pounced on by Leo and Donnie. The two tried to get out of me what Sensei wanted to speak with me about, but I was able to convince my brothers that it was a private matter and they let the topic drop.
Months passed and things stayed the same with me, but I noticed that Raph was calmer and Leo was easier going. Donnie seemed more content than he had ever been before. I loved that they were happy, but I hated the permanent pain that throbbed in my chest. I tried to play my role well, but the strain of keeping everything together was making me tense and irritable. My mask was beginning to crack.
"What tha hell is your problem?" Raph finally demanded one day when Master Splinter had left so that we could spar.
"What are you talking about?" I snapped back at him as we circled one another.
"What bug crawled up your ass, Mikey?" my brother growled as Leo and Donnie stopped their sparring to listen, "Ya've been a real devil ta live with lately. What happened ta my goofy, little brother?"
"Oh, for God's sake," I gritted out as anger welled up in me and I stepped up in my brother's face, "Why the shell do I always have to be the damn 'goofy, little brother?' When can I just be Mikey?"
"What?" Raph inquired as he took a step back and stared at me in shock, "I didn't mean nothin' by…."
"Shut up!" I growled.
"Mikey…," Leo began but I spun and lanced him with my gaze.
"I'm sorry that I'm not jumping through all your hoops and being the brother you think I should be," I hissed, "But have any of you ever asked me how I want to be? Or have you three told me how to react and respond my whole goddamn life?"
My three brothers stared at me in open-mouthed astonishment.
"Why the shell can't I ever have a bad day?!" I yelled, "Raph can go off like a volcano, Leo can get all broody, and Donnie is allowed to get all snappy and lock himself in his lab, but me…I have to be a good dog and roll over and play fetch! Well, I am not your pet and I will not act like your damn puppet!"
"Mikey, wait," Donnie called as he hurried after me as I stomped out of the dojo.
"Leave me alone," I whispered looking over my shoulder, "I've been perfectly fine fending for myself for almost six months while you, Leo, and Raph have been busy with whatever. I don't see that it is unreasonable that I have begun to enjoy being on my own."
Donnie's eyes filled with tears and he grunted like I had hit him. Leo and Raph looked at me with mixed emotions of horror and anger. They were reacting to me having upset one of their mates. I whirled and stomped up to my room and locked the door. The tears swarmed as I slid down to the floor. I knew what was happening right now down in the dojo. Leo and Raph were comforting Donnie while I would never feel that same type of loving support from a mate. My heart hurt so bad I was left gasping in pain for a minute.
"Let it go!" I snapped at myself as I rocked to try and ease the discomfort in my chest, "You are not their mate and you will never be a part of their life like that. Stop allowing yourself to feel the pain. You have to be happy with what you have."
To be continued…