Chapter 2
I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
I woke up and grudgingly got out of bed. Today, is the anniversary of Alvis and Alfie's death. I clench the blankets surrounding my body. Has it really been a year since their death? I clasp my hands and hold them to my forehead, pulling my thoughts together. They must not see me weak. I breathed in and back out again. I got out of bed and looked towards the sunrise. It was a little past dawn. I rise from the bed and move towards my study that adjoins to be room.
I gently unlock the secret hidden chamber that is keyed into my magic signature. It is not a large chamber only big enough for the chest that it hides. I pull out the chest and brush off the dust. My heart clenches. I gently open the lock and look inside.
It holds everything I have left of Alvis. An old sketch I had made of her one trip, the still unopened letter she gave to me on her… a handkerchief she had given me for luck, her bow and arrows, and her cloak and one of her dresses, and finally a portrait of her I did one autumn day. I did not hold any of it. I just stared. I was startled out of my memories by Thor banging on my door demanding I go out with him and his friends on a hunt. I sigh; close the chest, returning back it to where it was and puling my facade back into place. I can grieve later tonight when I am once again alone.
I sealed the chamber away and called out to Thor that I would meet him at the stables in an hour. I got dressed for a typical hunt and closed the memories in the box and went to go join Thor at the stables, even if all I wanted to do was lay down, and grieve in peace with my memories.
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie
I force a laugh as Thor recalls one of our, sorry his, great adventures. I turn and see Mother giving me a sad smile. My false grin falls as I look at her. She knows what today is. Alvis's birthday. It has been 2 years now since her death and I feel as if my heart is still not in my chest. Like the wound her death left is still bleeding as fresh now as it was when it happened. I look away from Mother and focus back to Thor. I push my plate away as I am no longer hungry and leave the table.
It's not like anyone will miss me anyway. Not anymore. There's no one who would miss his absence anymore. Well maybe Mother, but other than that there is no use staying here.
As I walk back to my chambers I think of the dreams Alvis and I shared. Of when I was finally released from my princely duties ad Thor was made heir; as I always knew he would be. We would finally be free and would run away together and live without worry.
Is made up on your side
"I don't understand why we must bring Loki along." I heard Sif say. My hand stopped short of the handle. I lowered my hand and began eavesdropping on their conversation.
"Because Thor wishes it that's why." Volstag say in response. Before hearing him scarf down whatever kind of food he was currently eating.
"He's useless to this team. No one wants him around. If Thor didn't insist on constantly encouraging Loki to fight or entertain with us then he wouldn't have any friends!" Sif said with an angry passion. I clench my fists. Sif has always hated me for no reason, even before I cut of all her golden locks. Even so without that push she wouldn't be the proud warrior she is today.
"It's not like we are his friends either. We only tolerate him because Thor asks us too. If Thor didn't want Loki around I personally would like to not have him in our group." Fandrall joined in the conversation. This was no news to me. It only confirmed what I already suspected. No one wanted me around. Still it hurt. I clenched my fists harder, my fingernails, digging into my palm, making it bleed.
" I don't think he even has any friends except Thor. But Thor doesn't count because Thor is his brother." Hogan contributed. The solitary man saying his piece. I didn't want to hear anymore. Am I really so worthless?
"Don't listen to them Loki, they aren't worth it. If they can't see who you are then it's their loss." Alvis's word move into my mind. I felt my heart clench and harden more. No I don't need them. No more fake smiles, no more trying to be like Thor. If they didn't want me, then I would not try to please them anymore. No more. I backed away from the door and left to go to my chambers. They aren't worth my time anymore. They will not hurt me anymore.
"BROTHER!" Thor shouts and I hastily look up. "Where are you going? Aren't you joining us on our quest?" Thor asks confused, after all I did say I would join them. I give him a smirk.
"Sorry brother, something came up and I can no longer attended but do be sure to give them a punch for me." I responded and with a grin before walking away. I no longer felt like trying to be what they want me to be. No more.
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
"So Loki, I haven't seen you lately, what have you been doing m son?" Mother asked me. I looked up from my plate. I gave Mother a small smile.
"I've been practicing some new magic I found in the library. It's a difficult spell and requires a lot of practice but I almost have it perfected." I say to her. Proud of my accomplishment. I would never say what the spell was, they didn't need to know.
"What, hard? There is nothing hard about your tricks Loki." Thor said his face stuffed with roast boar. My smile drops.
"THOR! You underestimate the difficult and precision of magic! It's a hard art to learn." Mother scolded. I did not retort. Thor was set in his ways.
"I meant no disrespect." Thor said finally swallowing. He looked to me and I avoided his eyes. "Brother?" I pushed away my plate away and nudged my chair backwards.
"I think I will retire to bed now." I said moving to leave the room.
"But Loki, you have hardly touched your food." Mother said concerned at my loss of appetite.
"I'm fine mother, now if you will excuse me." I said finally leaving the room. I stopped as I closed the door to the dining hall to take a deep breath.
"Loki has not been his mischievous self lately, is he alright?" Thor asked. I heard Mother sigh.
"Your brother has been having a hard time lately and has a lot on his mind." Mother responded. I heard Thor humph.
"It does not do well for a prince of Asgard to be so withdrawn. Whatever it is I'm sure it is nothing. Things happen, Thor wouldn't be so withdrawn over such tedious things." Father said. I felt my throat tighten.
"Odin! Don't pretend you know what he's going through! It's not as if you've talked to him about his behavior these past few years. So don't critize him," Mother said. I smiled. Mother, always so protective. Sometimes, the only reason I stay is because of Mother. It would break her heart if I…
"Please Frigga don't baby the boy. It's not as if someone died!" Odin boomed. Mother was silent after that. What does ODIN know about my life? Father only cared about Thor. He hasn't even talked to me directly for the past few years. I stormed off back to my chambers, alone. Where I belong.
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
I finally perfected the spell. I took a deep breath and focused my magic.
"Ta minnene av mitt sinn og gjøre dem om til kjøtt, la hva som er gått bli returnert og se igjen." I said and watched as blue gel gathered on the floor and formed into a figure kneeling on the floor of my floor. Her fingers moved back and forth as if she were running her hands through a pond. There she was Alvis, my love just as I remembered. She smiled, and I reached out to touch her but my hand stopped short of her face. She wasn't real, the minute I touch her she will disappear.
"If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in a river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Uh oh, uh oh
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh,
And life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby…" Alvis started singing. I forgot that when I found her that day she was singing in a world of her own. I smiled. The song was one sang to her by her mother.
"The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I've had just enough time
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
The sharp knife of a short life, oh well
I've had just enough time." Dear Alvis. My heart was so torn, the pain of her not being real and the joy of seeing her and listening to her voice again. The song was too true for our little story.
"Loki? Are you there?" I quickly dismissed the illusion and moved to the door and opened the door to see Thor standing there ready to knock.
"Yes Thor, what do you want?" I asked in a cold voice. Thor just stood there mouth open.
"Well, I just, I thought I heard a woman singing and…" Thor asked confused.
"You must be hearing things because I didn't hear anything." I said leaning against the door.
"Well then. Would you like to go out on a hunt with us?" He asked
"Thor, you know I care not for such things. Now if you please, I'd like to get back to my training." I said closing the door in his face. I lean my head against the door.
"Please, Loki, you have not been out with us in ages. Please join us for one hunt. One adventure." Thor begged banging on the door. I stayed quite.
"Leave me alone Thor." I said back to him before hearing him walk away slowly from the door. I sigh and make my way back to the back of my room to the door of my private study.
"LOKI!" Thor continued banging on the door as if that would make me open the door.
"LOKI OPEN THE DOOR!" Thor shouted. But I knew he would give up eventually, Thor has little patience, and he would get bored and leave quickly. No sooner had I sat down in my study, did the pounding stop and Thor had left the corridor to go out on his little hunt.
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
Normal POV
"What troubles you my son?" Frigga asked. Thor had been unusually silent these past few weeks. He turned towards his mother. He had come to the gardens to think. Which was something he did not do often.
"It's Loki Mother." Thor said. Figga's comforting smile dropped at the mention of her youngest. "He's been even more withdrawn from usual. I'm sorry I have only noticed now. He's been that way for awhile but he's getting worse." Thor says turning away from his mother again.
"I know. " Thor quickly turned around.
"So you have noticed it too!" Thor exclaimed. "Father says I'm over reacting that it is nothing! I thought…" Thor stopped short of his sentence. In truth, he did not know what to think of his younger brother now.
"Your brother is a complicated man." Frigga said resting her hand on Thor's shoulder and placing her other hand on his face.
"Loki is having a hard time right now. He's….he's lost someone and is struggling with their loss, he's struggling with finding his place in Asgard right now, he's very confused and lonely right now." Firgga said in comfort.
"But mother, He has me and his friends." Thor said. Frigga gave him a sad smile.
"Thor you know as well as I do, that your friends are not his friends, and that he has always struggled to fit in." Frigga said. Thor nodded sadly. His mind lost in thoughts of their little group of friends.
"What can I do for him mother?" Frigga smiled.
"Be there for him my son." Frigga replied before walking away sadly.
And make it OK
I miss you
Loki's POV
I moved my hand up her arm as she lay beside me. We were bathing in the glow of our recent lovemaking. She smiled gently as she ran her fingers through my hair. Something she did often. I smiled as I kissed her lips. So soft and supple. She moved under my touch grabbing my face and moving me on top of her.
"I love you." I say softly
"Wake up" She said. I gave her a confused look.
"Whatever do you mean darling?" I asked her with a smile.
"It's time to wake up now Loki." My face fell as she disappeared from beneath me.
"ALVIS!" I scream waking up in a cold sweat. My breaths shallow. Guards ran into my room on high alert.
"My lord are you alright?" They asked looking around for any danger.
"No, it's alright just go back to your post." I say my voice once again cold.
"If you say so milord." They say before turning around and heading for the door.
"Guards, if you mention this to anyone, I will know and it will not be pleasant for you." I say in a cold malicious voice. I watch as the shiver of fear goes up their spine. They continue out the door and back to their post. I fall back down onto my bed. I rest my right arm over my eyes.
"It's been so long my love. How much longer must I endure this torture? I need you back. Please come back."
I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do reminds me of you
I look out onto the sunrise of Asgard. It's been well over a century now since Alvis left me. The hole in my heart feels like a scab. Still painful, still hurting but not a scare quit yet. I turn and go into my study chamber and pull out the Chest containing Alvis's precious things. As I did every year on the anniversary of her death. I gently take out her letter. Should I open it this year? Would I dare? I take a deep breath and break the wax seal on the paper and careful open it.
Dearest Loki,
I do not have much time left in this world. Of that I am sure. You are in Asgard currently searching for a cure; I know you will not find it. It's not that you aren't capable of finding one; I know of what great things you can accomplish. But I know by the time you find one I will be long gone. I do not have much time left, but I lived a good life with you. I do not regret a moment of it.
I know it's hard, not fitting in. Not being accepted no matter how hard you try to please them. My love, my dearest Loki, do not worry about them. They are nothing. If they cannot see and accept the greatness that you are, then they are not worth your time.
I'm sorry I won't be around to see our son grow. Take care of him for me won't you? I fear I won't survive the childbirth. I feel so weak. I'm scared our baby will not make it to the end. That is my only fear. I do not fear my end though, only the end of my child, our son. I'm getting all sad now and that's not what this letter is supposed to be about.
Loki, I know you will be sad about my passing, but do not grieve for long. We had a wonderful life together. It's been 11 glorious years together. I don not regret a moment of it. I love you with all my heart. Do not mourn the end of my days but be happy that we had all those wonderful moments together.
Remember us dancing in the rain when it stormed on one of our many horse outings. Remember us not caring, and just living in the moment. Remember the first time we made love. How gentle and sweet it was. How we came in glorious harmony and it was if, in that moment time stood still for us, and it was just you and I in the universe. Remember how when we were together nothing mattered at all. Remember when I was late for my monthly bleeding and we found out I was with child. How happy we were. Remember those moments my love. Cherish them.
I thought we'd live forever in those moments but who would have thought that forever could be severed by a short life? No, it was not a short life. Maybe by Asgardian standards but not by Midgardian standards.
Be brave my love, be glorious. You are so much more than the villain they paint you as. Do not lose yourself to their words.
Remember me my love. If I've learned one thing from our time together is that we must cherish every moment because it may be the last moment of your life. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. And you know what Loki, Ours was large but yours is so much larger than our time together. You are destined to do great things because you are a great man. I want more days with you than I will likely get. But I wouldn't trade any of it for all of Midgard my love. My darling Loki, I love you and I will always love you.
You my love gave me so much more than forever. I am grateful for our time together. Don't mourn my loss but celebrate our love, for it was infinite.
Your Darling Heart,
Alvis
As I finished reading I relized that my face was wet. I wiped the tears of my cheeks and carefully put away the letter so it wouldn't get damaged. My sweet Alvis, you welcomed death with open arms. You didn't fear your end. I sigh; it was time to move on. As heart breaking that will be. It's what she would have wanted, and I've mourned long enough. I forced a sad smile on my face. It's time to get over her. For you Alvis, I will try.
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
"I'm cumming!" I ignore the servants' girl's screams as I pounded into her womb. I was reaching my end but other than heavy pants I would not voice my pleasure. She came and collapsed but I had not yet reached my completion. I moved harder and faster before finally releasing my satisfaction.
After my orgasm I slowly moved out of her and collapsed on my bed. She moved to touch me in post coital bliss but I grabbed her hand in a vice grip, stopping her actions.
"Get out." I said letting go of her wrist. My heart filled with shame.
"Excuse me?" She said sitting up and covering her body with my bed sheet.
"I said GET OUT!" I screamed at the poor girl. She ran out through the servants' courters leaving me alone.
"I'm sorry Alvis, I tried. I can't do it. I can't." I wept. I felt guilty for submitting to my lust after centuries of celibacy following Alvis death.
"I tried my love. I tried to get over you. I tried to move on my you are forever branded into my heart. There is no one but you for me to love." I can't do it anymore. I can't pretend to love someone else. I can't pretend our moments didn't happen. I can't.
"I'm sorry." I move towards my study and in a rush opened Alvis's chest and pulled her old dress towards me. I inhaled her scent. I placed a stasis charm so that her smell would never leave. So that any of my mementos of her will never deteriorate. My memories were fading. That's what scared me most. That soon my memories of her will become unreliable and eventually fade away.
And they smell just like you,
I love the things that you do
"Nervous, brother?" I ask. Today was Thor's big day. He would be King. I fear for the safety of the realm because Thor is still quite juvenile. But as I have a plan that will push him towards what I know he can be, I worry about the future of Asgard less.
"Have you ever known me to be nervous?" Thor asks. I smirk.
"There was the time in Nornheim..." I reply
"That wasn't nerves, brother. Itwas the rage of battle. How elsecould I have fought my way througha hundred warriors and pulled us out alive?" Thor says with arrogant bravado. An attendant approaches with another goblet of wine forThor.
"As I recall, I was the one who veiled us in smoke to ease our escape." I reply sourly. Thor would always lace himself the hero and forget other contributions.
"Some do battle, others just do tricks." Thor says. I frown as I see the attendant laugh out of the corner of my eye. Well, if that's how it is. I transform the wine into snakes and watch as the attendant screams and drops the goblet to the ground. I let out a small chuckle.
"Loki..." Thor warns and I sigh as I transform the snakes back into wine, the illusion gone.
"Now that was just a waste of good wine." Thor says. I smirk.
"Just a bit of fun. Right, my friend?" I ask turning my attention to the servant who nods nervously but doesn't look convinced. I watch as Thor places his helmet on his head and get ready for his entrance.
"Nice feathers." I mock.
"You don't really want to start this again, do you, Cow?" Thor snarks back. I pretend to be offended.
"I was being sincere!" I voice.
"You're incapable of sincerity." He says. My grin falls. Does Thor really think that? Of course he does. Doesn't matter what I say now he won't believe me.
"Am I?"I ask looking my brother in the eye, all pretense lost. "I've looked forward to this day as long as you have. You're my brother and my friend. Sometimes I'm envious, but never doubt that I love you." I say.
"Thank you." Thor says. I smile sincerely.
"Now, give us a kiss." I joke, Thor pushes me in response as I chuckle.
"Stop." Thor says chuckling just a little. Thor makes the final adjustments to his ceremonial wear. "How do I look?" He asks me and I pause for a moment. Calculating my response.
"Like a king." I finally say. We both turn as the ceremonial horn blows.
"It's time." I say softly.
"You go ahead." I give him a wary look. "I'll be along. Go on." Thor says. I turn and head inside the grand hall. Nothing to do now but wait and hope for the best.
When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?
I stare at my reflection into the mirror. Alabaster skin and green eyes stare back at me. I focus my magic and let go on the illusion I have apparently been doing all my life. The white of my skin turn to blue with raised ridges everywhere on my body. I watch as redness takes over my eyes. I look at my Jotun form.
"What am I?"
"You're my son"
"What more than that?"
I reach and touch the mirror with my frozen hands. I watch as frost spread from my hands and covers the mirror.
"The casket wasn't the only thing you took from Jotunheim that day was it? "
"No. In the aftermath of the battle, I went into the temple, and I found a baby. Small for a giant's offspring. Abandoned, suffering, left to die. Laufey's son."
I pulled my hand into a fist and punched the mirror. The shards of glass bit into my skin causing me to bleed. The broken mirror spreads around me in shards. My broken monstrous reflection staring back at me. Mocking me.
"Why? You were knee-deep in Jotun blood. Why would you take me?"
"You were an innocent child."
"No. You took me for a purpose, what was it? TELL ME!"
All my life, nothing but lies. All lies. I was never a prince of Asgard but a prince of Jotunheim. Never Thor's brother, never Odin's son, never…. Frigga wasn't my mother. Hell even my skin was no longer mine. I shifted back to my Aesir form. And walked away from the broken glass. Where did everything go so wrong? What have I done?
"I though we could unite our kingdoms one day, bring about an alliance, bring about a permanent peace… through you. But those plans no longer matter."
"So I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up here until you might have use of me."
"Why do you twist my words?"
"You could have told me what I was from the beginning. Why didn't you?"
Why? That's the big question isn't it? My poor sweet Alvis. Didn't know she courted a monster. Thank the Norns she doesn't have to see me like this. I focused on her for a moment. She wasn't a lie. Alvis was real. She loved me. Our love was real.
But that still begs the question why didn't they tell me? Fath…no Odin I can understand but Mother? No. She is no longer my mother. She never was. I fought the wetness that creped into my eyes.
"You are my son. My blood. I wanted only to protect you from the truth."
"Because I'm the monster parents tell their children about at night?"
I chuckle darkly. All those stories Odin told us. All those lies. He told me about the Jotuns about what kind of monsters they are, knowing all the while that I was one of them. Why? Why would he do that? I felt rage, anger and hatred for Odin boil to the surface. He never loved me. I was only an insignificant pawn in his grand chess game.
I meant nothing.
"It all makes sense now. Why you favored Thor all these years. Because no matter how much you claimed to 'love' me, you could never have a frost giant sitting on the throne of Asgard!"
Yes. It all makes sense. Everything. It was fitting; I suppose that I was crowned the god of lies, after all, that's what my whole life has been. Lies. Nothing but Lies. Alvis parting words came to me.
"Then show him you are the more worthy son. Show him the King I know can be."
My fists clenched. Yes. I will show Odin that I am more worthy. I will show him all I can do for Asgard. I let out a dark chuckle. Odin wouldn't know what hit him.
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
I had just left Thor. Told him father was dead. Told him Mother forbid him from coming home. I let out a breath and teleport to Alvis's grave. I hadn't been here in centuries. I collapse to my knees on her grave.
"Alvis. Help me." I say. I know she can't hear me, and I know she won't talk back, but for a moment I pretend. I pretend that we are in our secret grove where we first made love. I pretended she was sitting against her favorite oak tree and listening to me rant about my troubles. For a moment, the world didn't seem so dark and lonely.
"Alvis, I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. I'm not the man you thought I was. I'm not even Aesir. I'm…I'm a monster. I'm the monster parents warn their children about at night. 'Be good or the Jotuns will come and get you!' Thor's not my Brother, Frigga isn't my mother, and Odin; Odin. He screwed up my life. It's all lies Alvis. All of it is a lie." I let out a strangled sob. "Would you still love me? If, if you saw me now. I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to be the perfect son, to show Odin what I'm capable of, but once again it's not good enough. But at least now I know, why I was never good enough." I wipe my face and rid myself of the tears. I pull myself together and stand up. I smile at Alvis's statue.
"I love you Alvis. I miss you so much. I'm lost without you, now more than ever. I fear I will soon loose my sanity. It's already on thin ice as it is." I give a sad smile.
"I wouldn't blame you if you hated me now. After all, I am a monster. It's now that I wonder if…"I pause for a moment, gathering my thoughts. "I wonder if it was my child that caused you to become so sick. If…the product of our love wasn't meant to be made. If…if I killed you by making you pregnant." I wept at the thought. Was it my fault she died? Did I kill her by loving her? If her midgardian body couldn't handle a Jotun child and that's what killed her.
"I'm sorry my love. I'm so sorry." I hide my reddened face with an illusion and made my way back to Asgard. I would triumph and be the better son. I will show Odin. What I can do. No more playing by the rules and listening to Odin's words. It's my game now and I will win.
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
"Alvis?" I look around the darkness. My thoughts frantic as I hear Alvis's screams. My strong love does not scare easily.
"ALVIS WHERE ARE YOU LOVE?" I shout searching for the direction of her voice.
"LOKI!" I hear her cry. I run towards her voice. My legs feel slow and lethargic as I try to make my way to her. The only sound I can hear is my gasps of breath and the slowing down of a heartbeat.
"ALIVS! I'M COMING HOLD ON!" I shout, my legs can't move fast enough. I see her standing there before me. Unharmed, her red hair flowing down her back in gentle curls. Her pale skin prominent against the dark green dress she wearing. Nothing holding it in place but a few leather straps under the curve of her breast. I let out a breath of relief as I run towards her and take her in my arms. She screams in pain and pushes me away. I move away in horror as I watch her flinch in pain. Her body now covered with frost burns. I look down at my hands and see they aren't the pale Asgardian shade anymore but dark blue. As that of a frost giant. I look towards my love in pain, at my hands.
"Alvis, I didn't mean…" She whimpers in pain. She still stands although she is hunched over her arms crossed over her chest. She slowly moves her head and looks at me. "I'm so sorry. I'm a monster. Everything they told me was a lie. I'm sorry! You were wrong I am a monster! I just didn't know how bad of a monster." I shout at her is desperation. I fall to my knees. I suddenly feel her hand on my cheek and I look up at her. I lean against her hand. Her skin doesn't burn.
"I'm lost Alvis. I'm so lost and hurt. Help me. Tell me what to do." I cry at her. Tears falling from my eyes.
"The truth may hurt for a little while, but a lie hurts forever." I hear her voice say softly. I feel her pulling away. I reach out towards her as she drifts away. Slowly disappearing.
"NO! ALVIS! COME BACK!" I shout. I jolt upwards in bed out of my nightmare and reach out at the bed beside me. Nothing. I put my head in my hands as I silently cry. I clench my in frustration as the silent sobs wrack my body. No, Alvis hasn't been next to me in years.
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
I hold onto the end of Gungnir. I look up at Odin. I look in his eyes and all I see is disappointment and regret. I was a disappointment. As, I always was.
"I COULD HAVE DONE IT FATHER!" I shout desperate for even a glimmer of approval. I could have done it. For all of us.
"No Loki." Odin says. I felt my last little bit of sanity snap. Odin never cared for me. He never wanted me. I was the family disappointment. I was better off dead. That's it. I am better off dead. The only person who would care is gone. Mother might care but even then she will recover over the loss of the cursed son. The weakest link in the family. It's time to see Alvis again. No one would mourn me; hell the whole of Asgard would celebrate. I let go of Gungnir and relax as I fall into the abyss.
"NO!" I hear Thor cry but I no longer care. I'm nothing. I always was.
"Alvis." I whisper one last time before losing consciousness.
And make it OK
I woke up with a start. I looked around and saw that I was naked except for my pants. My arms spread wide and chained to two rocks. I observed my surroundings. I was on a desolate rock in the middle of the abyss. I sigh. It's only fitting that I was in hell while my dear Alvis was in heaven. I deserve no less than hell, after all that where all monsters go.
"Well, looks like the princeling finally woke up." I hear a deep voice say. I shiver. The voice carries nothing but evil. I felt someone pull on my hair and make me look upwards. I saw someone who made the frost giants look small. So this wasn't hell. I'm not dead. Why can't anything in my life ever go right?
"Now I think it's time we get better acquainted." The figure said, next thing I know my screams drown out my thoughts. At least the insufferable pain in my heart the past few centuries were drowned out by the physical torture.
I miss you
Odin killed Alvis. He poisoned her with something I could never cure. Odin killed her because I broke the rules and had had a courtship with her. Odin pushed me off into the abyss. All of it is Odin's fault. He lied. He killed. He must pay. He took my throne away from me. I AM A KING! I DESERVE A THRONE! And what better throne, than that of Midgard, the planet Thor loves so dearly.
We were made for each other
Out here forever
Frigga was dead. Mother was dead. The last words I said to her was that she was not my mother. She was. She always was there for me. I did not resist or say no when Thor came to me for assistance. I no longer care. My mind was broken. I no longer know what's real and what isn't. Thanos messed with my mind too much. I could never hope for redemption. The people of Asgard hate me too much for that. They hated me long before I was disgraced.
The destruction I had caused on Midgard. My mind was not fully my own. But Asgard would rather die, before believing that. I destroyed my room, just as I did when I first lost Alvis. There was nothing to live for anymore. The only reason I'm still alive is because of Mother. My first suicide attempt wasn't successful, who knows if my next attempt will be.
I know we were, yeah, yeah
All I ever wanted was for you to know
I gently guide the vassal through the air of Svartalfheim. Thor gently caresses his mortal lovers hair as she sleeps. I clench my hand around the steering mechanism. Alvis. I shake my head quickly to rid myself of those dark thoughts.
"What I could do with the power that flows through her veins." I say, taunting Thor into a fight. To clear my head of her presence.
"It would consume you." Thor says back to me, his voice firm. I chuckle.
"I'm stronger than you think." I say to him darkly, casting him a smirk. He turns back towards Jane, his hand clenches around his hammer. My smile drops. The image of my lifeless Alvis suddenly over takes Jane's prone form. I remember the moment when her life slowly started to wash away. I clench my fists around the steering mechanism.
"Say goodbye." I say to him softly. For the first time in a long while, being sincere towards Thor with no ultirior motive.
"Not today." Thor says in a rigid voice. His thoughts on her long life with him persistent. Such naïve innocence Thor has in regards to his Mortal. It angers me. Why should Thor get to live a long life with his Midgard maiden but I could not. I let my rage over Alvis's shortened life and loss take over me. I felt moisture come to my eyes.
"Whether today, tomorrow or in a hundred years," I say to him darkly. Thinking of those few blissful years with Alvis. 11 happy years. Just over a decade with her. And we weren't even together for all of it. "It does not matter! This is just one moment." I say my voice cracking a little. I look at Jane. She is nothing compared to Alvis's beauty. But that pale skin tone. So close to death. I grip the steering wheel harder, my knuckles turning white. My nails drawing blood from my palms. "You will never be ready." I say to Thor. He turns to me and I stare into his eyes. My face neutral but I still feel the moisture in my eyes. "The only woman who loved you WILL BE DENIED!" I say angrily. My voice breaking at the end. For Thor to feel the pain I felt. I force myself back into an impassive stance, calming my emotions and forcing the tears back. None had fallen. I glare at Thor and he in turn glared at me.
"And you'll be happy with that?" He says, his voice solemn as he looks at me. No I would not. Not that Thor could ever understand my reasons for my sudden outburst.
"Loki." He reached out to touch me but I flinched and pushed him away.
"Loki, did you love someone from Midgard." I don't respond. Alvis was my secret. She was mine. Thor doesn't deserve to know about her.
"Get ready we approach the Dark Elves resting place." I say changing the subject. Thor looks like he was about to say more but then decided not to. I was grateful for that.
Everything I do, I give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe; I need to feel you here with me, yeah
"You fool! You didn't listen!" Thor shouts at me as the storm of the barren wasteland picks up. Thor clutches my body desperately to his, as if that would make the pain or the impending death go away.
"I know I'm a fool. A fool." I whisper as my body becomes colder, well as cold as a frost giant can in death. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I repeat to him. Thor still holds me. He may show grief but he still does not cry, still the perfect Asgardian man even after committing treason.
"It's alright." He says, after all I just saved his life. "I will tell father what you did today." Of course it's all about Odin with Thor. Odin never cared for me, Mother was the only one who showed me any ounce of affection growing up. Never Odin. How dare he mention Odin in my dying moments as if I did it for him?
"I didn't do it for him." I say softly. Thor's face breaks down in sorrow. I look sideways and see Alvis, my dear Alvis standing there in her pure white gown. The wind having no effect on her hair or clothing. She smiles softly at me.
"Alvis…" I whisper my eyes widening in shock.
"Alvis? Who's Alvis? BROTHER?" Thor shouts. I ignore Thor and focus on Alvis.
"It's time to come with me Loki." She whispers holding out her hand towards me. I stare openly into the space no longer having the energy to hold my head to the side.
"I will see you soon." I whisper not caring that Thor could hear me. I focused my attention to Thor's face.
"Cherish her Thor. The moments together pass so quickly. In a heartbeat, she's gone and that void will never be filled." I wheeze out to Thor, warning him of the pain ahead. I no longer cared about anything, as my consciousness faded into white oblivion. I was going to see Alvis again. I could apologize to mother. I was finally at peace.
When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
Normal POV
"Heimdell!" Thor shouted after talking with the All Father about his wanting to renounce his claim on the throne.
"I promised an oath to Frigga that I will not speak about it to anyone and that includes you Thor." Heimdell responds in his usual monotone voice. Thor gave him a questioning gaze.
"You don't even know what I was going to ask." Thor said in a joking voice. Heimdell gives him a small glare in response.
"You want to know who Alvis is." He states simply. Thor's face once again turns serious.
"I want to know who this Alvis person is. Loki's last words were Alvis I will see you soon, that has to mean something Heimdell! Loki was in shock he must have seen something that caused him to so shaken when he was so close to death. I WANT TO KNOW WHO THIS PERSON IS IF HE HURT MY BROTHER!" Thor says his voice growing in volume near the end of his rant.
"She." Heimdell says simply.
"I beg your pardon?" Thor asks his face one of confusion.
"I will tell you only the most basic of information and you must not tell anyone do you understand Thor?" Heimdell says sternly.
" I promise this story of my late brother will not leave my lips." Thor says, his entire body rigid and serious.
"She. Alvis was a she. You misread your brother's thoughts on his death bed." Heimdell says.
"Heimdell, you speak in riddles tell me from the begging." Thor says softly his body somewhat relaxing but not entirely.
"Alvis was a midgardian maiden back from when the people of Asgard were still worshipped as gods by the people of Midgard. He met her on one of your escapades to Midgard that you and your friends dragged him to." Heimdell says face stern. Thor chuckles softly at the memories of going down to Midgard and causing havoc.
"After that he used one of his many hidden passages between the realms to visit her often, they grew closer and closer as the time wore on. She even fell pregnant with Loki's offspring." Heimdell says quietly. He stopped, not really wanting to continue the private story.
"Pregnant?" Thor asks, his voice sad and soft.
"Yes. But she fell quite ill soon after the discovery from an incurable Midgardian sickness. She died in Loki's arms weak and frail. Alvis was Loki's mortal consort for a long time. She posed no threat to Loki. In fact, I think her memory was what kept him away from the darkness so long. He would have lost his sanity much earlier had she not been there. That is all I will tell you Thor for the rest is a private matter that only Loki is allowed to share." Heimdell says his voice stubborn as he finished his tale.
"Well he's not here to ask is he?" Thor says quietly.
"No he is not." Heimdell responds.
"It seems that I now have more questions about Loki's actions than I have answers." Thor says softly looking out from the bifrost tunnel.
"Those questions I cannot answer for you, those are questions you must figure out on your own." Heimdell says softly. Thor turned and stormed towards the palace to search Loki's room fro more answers.
I searched Loki's old chamber. They were covered with a thick layer of dust. No one dared open the doors after Loki's fall into the abyss. Mother mourned. She moved out of Odin's bedchambers although no one but some servants and the family knew that. Mother and Father's relationship was strained after Loki's fall. I don't think he knew how much Mother loved him. How much I loved him. This time Loki really is gone. I move towards his private study chambers. He's never let me in here before. Everything was emaculate. Well except for the layer of dust everywhere.
I looked and saw a hidden corner. I moved and saw that it was a small room big enough only to hold the chest that lay inside. I gently pulled it out and tried to open the lock. I couldn't open it with Mjolnir. It would destroy what's inside. I look around Loki's things and find a journal on his desk. I carefully open it. It was Loki's handwriting all right. I felt bad for invading his privacy. I just wanted to understand Loki. I want to understand why our family fell apart.
I hope Loki is finally satisfied and happy in Valhalla. I hope, he's finally at peace. I left Loki's room with a better understanding of my brother, than I have ever before.
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
"Loki." I turn around into the white space I was in to see Alvis dressed in her green and gold robes I made for her. She smiles softly at me.
"Alvis." I whisper back at her with a genuine smile before running towards her and lifting her up and twirling her around, making the both of us laugh. As I gently place her back on the ground I place our foreheads together and press a gently kiss to her lips. "It's been so long lady love." I say to her, cradling my head into the crook of her neck. She brings one of her hands and brushes it through my hair.
"It's okay my love. We will never have to be apart again." She whispers into my ear and I feel my shoulders relax. I place soft kisses against her collarbone. Just holding onto her tightly, never wanting to let go. I felt the tears swell in my eyes. I was finally holding her again.
"No," I say. "Never again." I gently kiss her lips.
"Hello Loki." I freeze and slowly turn around and come to face Mother. Her eyes are still warm towards me, I give a glance to Alvis and she gives a nod of encouragement, that was all I needed to rush towards her and into her awaiting arms, feeling like a wall boy again.
"I'm sorry mother. I didn't mean it. I love you. You are my mother. You always have been." I say, mother just holds me tight.
"It's alright Loki, everything will be alright now." And for once, in a long time, I feel loved, welcomed and belonged. I was finally free.
When you're gone
The words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you