Chapter 2: Fighting Fate
Arthur sat in his chamber. He had bade a servant draw him a bath and awaited the young boy's return with the hot water. He couldn't wrap his head around it. He was in love with his manservant. Merlin, his best friend and confidant. The man he called clumsy and stupid and foolish. The man... the man he loved. This came at the worst time. He was engaged to another, and a woman at that. He had almost married her just days ago. He would be married this very second if not for the man with the knife. And now he was in love with another. He felt deep down that these feelings for Merlin had been there a long time, struggling to escape the iron chains of rules and loyalties by which they were bound. He realized with a heavy heart that what he felt for Merlin could not matter. He had promised Guinevere his heart. He had promised her a life of love, and given her ample cause to think him sincere. He had a duty to her, and to Camelot. Merlin couldn't stand in the way, no matter what he might feel. He was shaken from his thoughts as he heard the hot water being poured into his bath. He undressed and slipped into tthe steaming water with a grateful sigh. He resolved himself. He would only have to keep his distance from Merlin for a little while, and these feelings would dissipate on their own.
Merlin laid in bed for hours, anxiously awaiting the time when Arthur would return to see him. He waited for hours nd hours. The sun sank low in the sky and then dissapeared altogether. The moon now shone brightly threw his window. Gaius strolled in.
"I'm going to bed. Do you need anything?"
"Did Arthur come back? Maybe I was asleep?"
"No, I'm afraid not. Don't worry. He was just embarassed about how worried he had been. He'll be back tomorrow, i'm sure."
Gaius shut the door to Melrin's room. Merlin tried to turn on his side, but made it only a centimeter before remembering with a wince why he couldn't. He closed his eyes and wished silently that Arthur would come.
Merlin's wishes went unfulfilled. For the next two weeks of his convalesence, he never saw Arthur. He sometimes thought he saw Arthur peeking at him from outside Gaius' chambers, but he was sure he was hallucinating. His heart ached, thinking Arthur had forgotten him.
Arthur had never been more ornery than the weeks he did not speak to Merlin. He snapped at everyone. At the servants, at his knights, even at Guinevere. He went about five days without seeing Merlin. Finally he gave up and began to peek in through the door to Gaius' chambers, sometimes catching a glimpse of the raven haired boy. Unlike his predicitons, his feelings did not change, nor fade. He found himself in love even more. He cursed the day tht assassin had ever thought to come to Camelot.
Finally, Merlin was ready to go back to work. After a month of convalescing, he was once again healthy (except for a nasty scar on his chest), and was dying to go back to work. He should have been seething that Arthur didn't visit him. But, his blind love for the young man clouded his emotions, instead making him feel as though he had done something wrong.
Gwen told Arthur the news of Merlin's health cheerfully, but Arthur had a feeling of dread upon hearing it. For month he had successfully kept himself away from the boy, no matter how excruciating it was. But now, he would have to see Merlin again, look him in the eye. Never touch him, never lay a kiss upon his soft pink lips. Arthur could barely stand the thought of being in a room with Merlin without touching him. However, he would have to try. For Guinevere, and for Camelot.
Merlin put on his old gear, his red scarf adjusted just so. He ran a hand through his raven locks, and then made his way towards Arthur's room. He stopped in front of the door. A door he would usually have just walked right through with no thought. But now, he knocked. Timidly, but loudly.
"Enter."
Merlin felt his heart race. He walked into the familiar chamber, but everything felt different. Arthur looked up from his desk, and fought to keep from jumping up in surprise. He kept his tone casual;detached.
"Ah, Merlin. I heard you were well again. Could you go get me breakfast?"
Merlin felt hurt by the King's apparent careless attitude for him, and left directly. Arthur slumped in his chair. Just looking at Merlin was agony. How could he do this for the rest of his life?
Merlin returned with the breakfast tray, and Arthur sent him to do a plethera of other things that would keep him well away from the King all day. This happened every day for a week. Merlin became more and more morose, and unhappy, thinking Arthur cared nothing for him. Finally, one day, the truth came out. Arthur was about to go on a hunting trip, and Merlin was to stay behind, as he was just healed from his last injury. He had moved to help Arthur with his armor, but the young King grabbed the piece away.
"I can do it, Merlin. Thank you."
Merlin felt his heart drop a little more. "Yes, sire."
He walked towards the door, eyes brimming with tears threatening to fall.
" I can't do this anymore!" Merlin heard a crash of metal.
He turned around, an escaped tear rolling down his cheek. Arthur had thrown down his armor, and was staring at Merlin with tears of anger brewing in his furious eyes. His gaze softened, and he spoke in a broken voice.
"Damn it, I can't do it anymore." The words were practically a whisper. Merlin stared at Arthur with a mix of emotions, the capital being confusion. Arthur advanced towards Merlin aggressively. Merlin started to back away, but Arthur slowed down, and as he approached the younger man, he took Merlin's face in his hands gently, and kissed the boy on the lips. The kiss wasn't rough or harsh, it was gentle and loving. Merlin let his arms wrap around Arthur's waist. Arthur pulled away.
"Arthur?"
Arthur looked down at his feet.
"What is it?"
"The fact is, Merlin, that kiss was against everything my mind knows is right."
Merlin stroked his hair with a gentle touch. "It's okay, Arthur. I understand."
He turned to leave, when Arthur said something in a low voice.
"But it felt so good."
Merlin turned back confused, and Arthur took him in his arms and kissed him once more.
Merlin smiled into Arthur's lips. Arthur licked Merlin's lips and the younger man parted them easily. Arthur slipped his tongue into Merlin's mouth and the two men began to explore each other. Suddenly, a loud knock interrupted the two. Arthur broke the kiss, and yelled. "Who is it?"
"Sir Leon, your majesty. There is a diplomat here to see you."
Arthur sighed in annoyance. "Fine. I shall be there directly."
He pressed his forehead to Merlin's.
"I want to see you. Tonight. Meet me at my chambers when the clock strikes twelve."
Merlin nodded, and Arthur kissed him quickly before leaving the bedroom.
Merlin sat on Arthur's bed a spell before leaving, basking in his own joy. He left the chamber the happiest he had been in years.
Arthur came out of the diplomatic meeting to find Gwen there. She looked cheerful and excited. Arthur felt a pang of guilt. "Darling?"
She kissed him on the cheek. "I think we should plan the wedding for next week. What do you think?"
Arthur smiled. "I think that's perfect."
She hugged him. "I love you, Arthur Pendragon."
He wasn't smiling as he spoke into her hair. "I love you too."
She left him quite happy, planning new decorations and cakes with the cooks and party planners. He had to sit down. He couldn't abandon her. He loved her. Arthur couldn't be with Merlin. Not tonight, not ever. He would tell him so upon their meeting.
Arthur tried to find Merlin all day, but the boy's busy schedule made him untraceable to the young King. Arthur resigned to tell Merlin when he came tonight.
Anxious, Merlin stood outside Arthur's door, the last chimes of midnight striking. He raised a hand to knock, but the door opened. Arthur was still fully dressed, and looked as if he had been crying.
"Arthur?"
Arthur smiled at him and asked him to come in with a subdued tone.
Merlin sat on Arthur's bed, nervous and excited. Arthur paced back and forth, and finally stopped, and forced out the first of the painful words he had to say.
"Merlin, I dont think..."
Merlin got up and put a finger to Arthur's lips. "Arthur, I know. This is crazy. And terrible timing. But, this feels right. Us, together. It feels, right." He pressed his forehead to Arthur's. The young King was moved by the younger man's words. He placed his hands around Merlin's face.
"Merlin, I would never wish to hurt you, but I don't think..."
Merlin silenced him with a passionate kiss. Arthur placed a hand around Merlin's neck, and pulled him closer. Suddenly, he pushed the raven haired boy away. "Merlin, I can't!"
Merlin was startled. He sighed, and forced a sad smile. "I understand. It was wrong of me to want this. I'm ashamed that I would want to do this to you or Gwen."
Arthur tried to smile. "It's not your fault. I'm just as much to blame. But, I think it would be best if we stayed away from each other, until I'm married at least."
The word married hit Merlin like a rock. "Ah, yes. I think you're right."
Arthur nodded, and the two pressed their foreheads together, and interlaced their fingers briefly before Arthur pulled away.
Merlin turned to go, and Arthur watched him walk away, a feeling of despair spreading through him like a raging fire. Merlin shut the door, and walked a few feet away before sinking to the floor, dissolving into tears.
Arthur tried not to, but he could hear the other man crying. He pressed his ear ot the wooden door, wishing he could comfort Merlin. Hold him, tell him he loved him. But, he couldn't. So he sank down to the other side of the wall, and let tears of his own fall soundlessly from his bright blue eyes.