Author's note: Thank you so much to all who reviewed! This is actually very challenging for us (me especially) to write, therefore we are grateful for the enthusiastic feedback. The first chapter was a bit confusing but it will clear up when we get back to it.

For now we going back 5 years ago (before Elena died) so you can understand what lead to the first chapter. And AvengerHero thank you so much for your help, you really don't have to type as much as you do but you do it anyways!

Again mixed up POV- we type then try to merge it together.

Disclaimer: We don't own Cosmic Love by Florence and The Machines. We actually listened to the acoustic version by HermitageGreen, so beautiful!

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat

I tried to find the sound

But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,

So darkness I became

2 September 2016

Bonnie hates finding a tomato slice in her burger after she specifically asked to not have it added. Hates that on the one day she decided she'd take a walk it rains. But really that's not why she's in sweats curled up on her sofa with the phone on her lap.

She's really angry at herself, for wishing he would call. Hates that every three minutes she glances at her blackberry waiting for that tell tale red light, but it doesn't come. She wonders vaguely when she became one of those girls who sat by the phone all day waiting for their crush to call.

Is he her crush? She's not sure even more so why she has to clench her jaws so she won't notice the pain in her chest. She runs a hand though her hair, it's still wet from the shower she had earlier, the one were the phone was propped on the lid of the toilet seat.

It was just sex Bonnie, get over it. But she can't not when even after the second shower this morning she can't rid the smell of him on her skin. She tries not to breathe through her nose because it makes it worse. She feels pathetic and a little sorry for herself. Even considers getting drunk, but that's sad and she's not sad.

Why should she be sad? She just had amazing toe curling sex the previous night, in fact she should be feeling great full of energy. Instead of anxious sitting by a phone that's forgotten how to ring. She leans back into the couch drawing her knees closer to her chest suddenly feeling cold. Several times she's picked up the phone, dialled the number only to drop it at the last minute.

The phone suddenly comes alive and she drops it a few times before finally holding it to her ear.

"Hello?"

"Hey Bonnie, it's Elena,"

And Bonnie has to work hard to swallow the lump of disappointment.

"What's up?" she asks trying to be casual.

"It's just we were supposed to meet up for lunch remember?"

Bonnie remembers but she'd forgotten, anything that happened before Damon was a blur. She tries to think up a good excuse but she's always been a horrible liar.

"Bonnie are you okay?"

No I'm not, Elena. I feel like I'm falling into a thousand pieces and I don't know how to stop this ache in my chest, but of course she can't say that.

"Yeah, I actually got my hands full at the moment," she says instead realises it's easier than the truth. Besides her hands her full, with the phone she's been waiting on since morning.

"Oh okay I guess rain check?"

"Yeah sorry,"

"No problem call you later, love you!"

"Love you too," and Bonnie really means it but there is a small part of her that hates Elena a bit at that moment. She can't suppress the thought that had it been Elena, Damon would have called.

/

7 September 2016

The wine states too sweet but I hardly notice instead I'm too busy trying to pretend that I find Mason's conversation interesting. I nod at all the right times, say all the right things and for a while I even begin to fool myself until he walks into the room.

My composure seems to come crashing down and when he brushes past me without so much as a hello I have to stop myself from calling out to him. Instead I gulp down the glass and grab another one from a waiter.

Mason laughs asks if I'm planning on getting drunk, I laugh also even though it feels hallow but I don't reply because I no longer know what's going on in my head. All I know is that the Lockwood estate is getting too crowded and my head feels lighter than it has in days. In five days to be exact, I counted.

Caroline comes over and I have to excuse myself from Mason. She seems anxious but her words seem to string together and all I can think about is Damon standing with Elena. I wish it didn't hurt, but it does it shouldn't because I knew the score from the get go. But the knowing doesn't dampen the pain and neither does the wine I rapidly begin to go through.

I'll probably be sick tomorrow but at the moment I don't care not really, I just want to be numb and get swallowed in by the walls.

"Bonnie are you okay?"

It takes several shakes of my head to clear it long enough for it to register its Jeremy. I don't even remember when Caroline left. At that moment I wish I'd never fallen out of love with Jeremy. I lean into him, maybe because I'm drunk or maybe because I want someone to want me. To want me as much as I want Damon.

"I think I'm drunk," I say and Jeremy chuckles.

"I reckon you are," he says and it feels good to have his arms holding me. Not as good as being held by Damon but good enough.

"I'm not this girl," I whisper.

"What girl?"

"The one who gets drunk and leans on guys for support," I elaborate though that's not what I really wanted to say. I wanted to tell him I wasn't the type of girl who falls for a guy she knows is in love with someone else.

"Of course you aren't, your Bonnie,"

"And who's Bonnie?" Jeremy's face scrunches up in confusion and I'm thankful I'm drunk. Tomorrow, if it ever comes, I'll blame the alcohol.

"Let me get you a glass of water," Jeremy says helping me to the bench, I'm glad we are outside at least then no one but Jeremy sees my near stumble.

I sit and Jeremy goes back inside promising to be back soon. I lean against the wall not even caring that the fragility of the material of the dress will most certainly snag.

I'm so lost in myself musing that I don't even notice him until he sits next to me. My voice deserts me and I'm not sure what to say if I should say anything. But I can't deny that what had been a gloomy night suddenly doesn't look so dark after all.

I chance a glance at him under my eyelashes and my heart races. I wonder if Damon knows how painstakingly beautiful he is. But knowing Damon he probably does.

"This party sucks," he says and for a moment I'm too startled he actually initiated conversation that I don't say anything.

"Yeah," and it's so awkward I wish the floor could open up and swallow me whole.

I don't understand why there's this thick tension between us, because before we slept together I'd never felt odd around Damon like I should be more charming and less drawn into myself.

"Want to go somewhere else?" he asks casually his intense eyes on me and I'm helpless to do anything but follow him blindly to the ends of the world.

"Yeah,"

He stands up and extends his hand, I clutch it like it's a life line and right then it feels like it's the only thing between me and the dark pool of despair.

I let him lead me in the dark, unafraid and clouded by the stars in my eyes. His hand feels cool and I love how it's not sweaty. Long fingers curl around my hand and I can't imagine ever feeling so happy before.

It's not until his opening the door to the backseat and pushing me in that I realise where somewhere else is. The way his hands grasp my thighs clues me in instantly and I want to knee him and get the hell away from him.

I'm not the girl who has sex in the backseat of a car, this isn't me. My mind screams for me to find a way out, to get out, and to run if I have to but my heart didn't get the MO. And when Damon starts kissing me I'm lost all over again. I forget that the last time he walked out without a word, that afterwards he didn't even bother to call.

All I can think about is that the ache in my chest doesn't feel so painful right now. That I'm only happy when he's holding me. Damon is a great lover, the best I ever had actually but I can't help wondering if I'm the best he ever had.

It's all rushed and my head is spinning from the alcohol I consumed. My legs are starting to cramp and I feel slightly suffocated, I actually release a sigh of relief when it's all over. It wasn't bad, never is but I want more than just sex from Damon. But I'm afraid that's all he can offer me.

I lay there panting and my skin on fire and I realize I'm so relieved because when he finished he didn't cry out Elena's name. I don't think I could handle it, don't think I'm strong enough to handle it.

"Are you hungry?" Damon asks propping himself on his elbow so he doesn't crush me under his weight.

We just had some rushed up sex job in the back of his Mustang outside a well to do party and that's the one thing he thinks to ask me? I start to laugh and at first its giggles but they soon break out to full on laughter and I have to lean back on the seat.

It feels good to laugh like this whole messed up thing isn't happening to me. Like I'm looking in on some other person's life. Tears stream down my eyes and I'm glad he'll think it's from the laughing. Somehow I don't want Damon to know how much I care. How I wait for him to call or hang around Elena's because I know he's bound to come over.

Bonnie hates a lot of things like queuing at banks or having to shave her legs because either wise she'll be stuck in long pants. But more than anything she hates that she's falling in love with Damon Salvatore.

Damon who never calls

Damon who can be in the same room with her for three hours and not say hi.

Damon who's obsessed with her best friend, when Bonnie's obviously obsessed with him.

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map

And knew that somehow I could find my way back

Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too

So I stayed in the darkness with you

A/N: I've always wanted to write a darker Bonnie who has inner conflicts of her own. It will have a happy ending eventually but I've always felt that if ever Damon and Bonnie should come together (looking more like wishful thinking as the show progresses) that it wouldn't be some jolly union where they are madly in love and everyone's happy.

So I'm taking a risk (AvengerHero doesn't lose an ounce of sleep over this) and trying something different. I wanted to make Bonnie more human and how many of us girls have waited for that call that never came? And it's not my intention to make Damon seem like a jerk but his being a typical guy right now.

So please review if you want to read more of this!