A/N: Firstly, I just wanted to thank you all for the words of encouragement and wonderful reviews. I'm so excited that symmetry is being enjoyed by you guys. I surely enjoy writing it. That said, I've received a few questions that I thought would be best answered here, since I can't replay to those who are labeled as Guests. Firstly, Natsuki is the only futa character thus far. That may change, that may not. We shall see how it pans out with the storyline as it progresses. Secondly, Shizuru will be the headmistress, Natsuki will be working under her. I hope that cleared some things up. I hope you enjoy this next installment.
Don't own Mai Hime/Mai Otome.
A/N#2: Next set of edits.
Chapter 4
(POV, Maria Graceburt)
These halls have been protected with my watchful gaze for nearly forty years now...
I've had a fulfilling life. I graduated from this academy myself, and the young age of eighteen, and I married young. My late husband, who was ten years my senior, wasn't a man I loved. I married him for convince, and because my father had told me to. I never had any children of my own. My husband wasn't a family man, and our rather insipid marriage ended merely a few years after it started. He passed, and I was left a widow. I was lost, and I felt alone without a man around. I admit, I was a weaker woman back then. In those days, I was a blond haired, blue eyed bombshell, oblivious to the coldness the world offers.
I don't know why, I hadn't loved the man, but without him, there seemed an emptiness in my chest.
I couldn't tell you why I returned to Garderobe. I believe, I was searching for something. Part of who I had been, when I was younger. I traced every hall, sat at nearly every bench, table, and sofa in the common areas. I watched the youthful students swim in the pools, play in courtyards, and cause havoc for all in their path. I was jealous of them, and their carefree smiles. Was the grass really that green on that side of the fence?
I knew I'd never find out, unless I searched for the answer.
I worked as a janitor at first...a house keeper, we called them. Still, the duties are much like household chores. For some reason, the students flocked to me, I felt happy that they did. I remember fondly when they'd ask me to sew a button, or to tie their hair in a braid. It was nice, having someone who thought I was important.
It wasn't many years after, when the mother of the house, the very one who raised me, passed away.
She was so old, and she stood by her students until the very end. I had admired her, and the pillar of strength she'd been in my life. I realized, I wanted that. I dreamed to make a change. To guide those who had nothing. To protect the fragile hearts of all young girls who enter these lonely walls. My house mother was an inspiration to me, likely the most important person in my life. I knew I wanted to be just like her. At first, it was difficult, learning when to become strict, and when to be soft. Even now, I find some students to be quite the chore.
However, in my many years of working in the walls of Garderobe, I've never had the opportunity to meet someone quite as rewarding, as Kuga Natsuki.
It was a cold day in the middle of fall, the day I'd met Natsuki. Her father was dressed in a wrinkled sports coat, seemingly out of place as he sat there in the waiting area. His daughter wasn't much better, if I recall. In fact, I do believe it was the first time I'd ever seen a child like her. Natsuki was wearing a suit. I do not choose who may and may not attend this academy. However, I would like to think my authority has served the academy well. My voice always heard, even if not accepted as law.
That said, meeting Natsuki for the first time left me, puzzled.
Her test scores were mediocre at best, and her manners were lackluster. Her choice of clothing would be problematic at best, and at worst, it simply wouldn't do. I'd sat there for quite some time, looking at this rather odd girl. Her father seemingly impatient as his foot tapped away at the floor. I'd known she would be accepted, there was no real reason to deny the girl. After her father signed the paperwork, and fought with his child for the umpteenth time that day, he left her.
Natsuki was a child made of stone at first, I'll admit.
Most students cry, seeing their family leave for the first time. It is an emotional experience to say the least. She didn't do a thing, except told him that she hated him. Even then, her words were cool and calm. It seemed she was filled with shame, as if she'd never said those words in her life. You could see her father's shock. Her anger in vexed waves, her eyes as cold as they could come. He walked away from her, and Natsuki didn't look at him.
It was then, that I'd taken her to her room. For weeks, there was nothing interesting to note, nothing promising to speak of. Natsuki's grades improved, but her social life hadn't. Partly, I'd assume, would be simply that she wore her track suit all the time. Teachers would question it, students would laugh, Natsuki wouldn't change. I didn't scold her for it, but I wasn't fond of it either. Still, the track suit was the lesser of two evils. I didn't need skirts causing undue stress. Natsuki, at the time, couldn't sit properly either...and her secrets are very personal ones.
The track suit was only the surface of a very deep ocean.
She was merely ten at the time of her arrival. At that age, she was the cause of many issues. Broken windows, paint on the walls, toilet paper on the trees, and that was only the start. Natsuki was slippery, and extremely smart. I came to realize early in my time spent with Natsuki, that she held different gifts. All of the math in the world would never make up for her insight. She was, and will forever be, one of the most brash people I've ever met. Her anger aside, she's soft, gentle even, in the way she thinks about life. Her ego, while seemingly large and boisterous, is indeed quite small, hidden well.
I am a housemother. My job isn't to be strict...it is to be wise.
These girls are young, and they aren't under parental supervision. Here at Garderobe, I play a surrogate role. It is my job to keep stability among the ruckus. For Natsuki, I found becoming her friend worked better. She seemed to listen to advise, rather than an order. I didn't mind. I enjoyed our time playing card games, she enjoyed the person to talk to. She'd tell me about her classmates, Mai, and Nao, how much she enjoyed their company. She ranted about Shizuru, who was in the class above her. She'd cry when she realized there were differences that she couldn't explain.
She kept it hidden though, very well. She'd told no one, even though I insisted she should begin to open up about herself.
Her complexities hit hard when she began to grow hair on her face. That was the beginning of growing pains I hadn't been ready for. She refused to speak with her father, and he hadn't minded enough to try to win her back. He was a sorry man, giving up on Natsuki as he had. It was a time she needed him, or any man for that matter, that she could have related with. I was thankful her voice didn't deepen much, that her appearance, bar a few cosmetic things, stayed very much feminine. It didn't stop her from having puberty though.
Even now as an adult, watching Natsuki grow into such a person, she hasn't spoken a word. She can't keep herself hidden forever though. I bide my time for that milestone, knowing that with Natsuki, it will pain me greatly. Yet another troublesome situation her father dumped upon my shoulders. As far as I'm concerned, Natsuki's been an orphan since the age of twelve. The very age her father stopped contacting her. It must be my burden to bear, simply because no one else will. If she must be a migraine for somebody, than it shall be me.
Perhaps though, it is for the best...
Chapter 5
She grumbled when she could no longer sleep.
The sun, now blinding, sat at just the right angle to pass the blinds. With a curse, she sat up from her bed. She rubbed the side of her face, thankful, that yet again, she wasn't like the men in her family. She didn't grow a beard. There were small, rather annoying patches of stubble. Something akin to a pubescence boy, she'd assumed, but it wasn't anything to complain about.
She was lucky it was mostly unnoticeable. 'Should have taken care of that last night.' She thought as she stretched.
Her list of things to do today seemed endless. Fearing the worst had already come, she'd set to getting dressed. Peaking briefly at the clock, she knew she was going to be late seeing Miss Maria. 'Crap!' It was already half past twelve. 'Good job, dumb ass.' She sighed mentally, the old woman would be cranky, and Natsuki couldn't stand another lecture. 'Of all the days to sleep in.' It was a weekend, she never went to school on the weekends. It was her favorite time to skip. 'Can't skip work though, can you? Hurry up.' Her clothes were a monstrosity, she'd soon discovered. She didn't own anything formal, nothing appropriate anyway. Her black slacks were baggy, and her shirts weren't tight fitting either. She knew she looked a mess, but there wasn't anything she could do.
As she burst out of her bedroom door, she saw the last person she wanted to see. 'Shit.' She'd thought it, before the reality even registered completely. Their eyes met for a second, just enough time for their breaths to catch. Time froze blissfully, yet Natsuki could already feel the torture. The look of Shizuru, sitting there calmly, as if she wasn't surprised by the events. Crimson orbs burned, Natsuki realized, and it was an inferno she needed to escape. "I'm busy." That was her only reply. Her first words to the girl she hadn't seen in a year.
They were ice, so merciless, and yet, so fragile.
Shizuru nodded, as if she couldn't care. Always calculating, her mind never stopping. Natsuki gulped, knowing she'd said the wrong thing. It wasn't a greeting, she didn't want it to be either. 'She's not saying a word...' Still, it wasn't a fight. It wasn't anything. All they'd done was pass ways. It shouldn't mean anything, Natsuki knew that, but she couldn't accept it. 'She's not even phased.' It was as if time sped forward again. As if it hadn't even stopped, she rushed out of her shared dorm. She'd almost ran all the way to the office she'd be working in.
Natsuki's was much smaller, and as soon as she hit the thick oak door, she'd burst through it, slamming it behind her. 'Shizuru...' Her mind couldn't wrap around it. That had been the girl, the upperclassmen. Her tormentor. The one that took a pride in upsetting her. 'I was just a game. She didn't even care.' It was a grim reminder. She wanted to feel something, a spark, a warmth in her chest. All she felt was an emptiness. She was void of anything. Shizuru's face hadn't shown a thing, and Natsuki hated it. "Damn..." Her shaky breath cursed. "I can't do this."
"Natsuki, you've arrived it seems." Natsuki could have sworn the old bat had eyes in the back of her head. The hearing of an expert huntress. Nothing got past that woman. It was infuriating. When the small side door, the one that led into the headmasters office opened, Maria Graceburt stood still. "I was beginning to think you'd sleep all day." Natsuki was still quivering, and Maria felt partly to blame, not having warned the young woman that Shizuru would be arriving today. It took a few more moments before Natsuki fully collected herself, Maria watched the entire time. "We've got to get you into some better clothes."
Natsuki nodded, her heart still racing. "Not going to let me wear my track suit?" The taunt was weak, the only front she could muster. "We know I fit in that."
"I doubt that would look favorably among the students. They'll begin to talk soon enough as it is." Maria seemed amused by such a thought, Natsuki having a taste of her own venom. It was something she wished to see. "I've decided that with your measurements, and particular situation, a skirt or dress would be out of the question." She walked over to the closet that would normally hold coats or supplies. Inside were several suits. "We should fit you in something like this." The masculinity couldn't be mistaken, part of that irked Natsuki.
"If I do that, won't most people think odd things of me?" There were blue, white, and black ones. All very colorful. The ties were high quality silk. "Besides that, this is all very expensive."
"My late husband was a tailor." Miss Maria began as she picked a few choice sets. "These are bits and pieces of his line. They were things he'd never had a chance to put on the market, and I've no use in them." She'd held each one of them up, taking a view on the color contrasts, something she knew Natsuki cared very little about. Finally she came to a colored jacket she liked. "This one, it'll conceal you." She said, almost assured her answer would be right. "With it, you'll wear these." The pants she'd gave Natsuki were tightly fitting, made for a slim woman. "It may not be the most comfortable, but it will do. Get changed, and I'll return in a few moments."
Natsuki sighed doing as she was told. She hated the feeling of being squished. The light blue shirt was little more than a halter top, meaning she'd need to find a new bra later. The pants were tight, she'd have to tuck herself to fit right in them. The blue overcoat was likely the best part of the package, and also, Natsuki's saving grace. She left it open for now, happy that it at least hid her bra straps. She looked good, she'd had to admit, her midnight tresses falling freely, hiding some of the golden trim her jacket had. "I'm done." She'd said loud enough to be heard, and when she faced her housemother, she sighed a bit. "It's going to be tough fitting into these pants day after day." She said softly, a blush tinging her cheeks.
"I'd assume it would be." Maria nodded, the irony just beneath the surface. "Still, it'll be foolproof. No one would suspect you of anything. You're apart of the faculty now, and you should do well to remember that." There were papers neatly stacked on Natsuki's desk. "Those are the legal documents you need to sign before you can work here." She pointed at them. "Get it done promptly." The books stacked on the shelves were in meticulous order. "The student's files are held on the top shelf. The one below that are the records for book keeping, and the bottom holds guide books. In your desk, is a list of the things you will do daily. I implore you, familiarize yourself with the routine."
"You got it." Natsuki shrugged, her eyes on the thick paperwork. She wasn't the best in her law class. "So, this is my contract?" When Maria stated the affirmative, Natsuki signed it, without reading a single word. "There, finished."
"You'll never change." She sighed, talking the papers from her. "Really Natsuki, you must take this path with a firm grasp that it will not be easy. The students will question you, the teachers will riddle you with paperwork, and the hours are endless." It was with this, that Maria shook her head softly, letting Natsuki know of her disappointment. "You can't act without thinking carefully. Now, I know you, and that you think you can mow down any struggle head on, but this isn't like before."
"Then why did you let me have this job? If you didn't think I could do it, why am I here?" Natsuki knew she was being cocky. A small part of her loved having the thrill of difficulty. Another part of her was just itching for a good fight. She was at her limit right now, and she knew it, but she also had to wonder. "Why set me up for failure?"
Miss Maria thought on that, but she didn't answer it. "I'll leave you to your work. If you need me, you'll know where to find me." Her exit though swift, was not unlike the woman. Her particular job, seeing after the students, wasn't at all simple. The woman was always on her feet, as least, that's how it had seemed.
Without much else to do, Natsuki meandered over to her desk, opening the top drawer. The leather book had yellowing pages, the script hard to read. Natsuki felt defeat wash over her, a new life flashing before her eyes. 'I don't want to report to her, damn it.' Every morning, she'd have to speak with the new headmaster. She knew she'd be working closely with Shizuru, but her tasks seemed to revolve around it. 'Prepare the meetings for the day, confer with the chefs about the meal program, deliver the headmaster her breakfast?' That was all simple enough, she'd agree, but then the list went on. 'Check the books, patrol the halls after first bell, deal with the tardy passes.' Natsuki could do that, she wasn't bad at math. 'When the headmistress wishes it, retrieve her lunch. Then discuss the books, students and administrative staff.' Natsuki shuttered at that, and the list didn't end there. She'd be spending most of her day with, or around Shizuru.
It was without thinking much on the matter, that she put down her instructions and went through the side door. The one leading directly into Shizuru's office. It wasn't a surprise to see the woman there reading over a thick, dark blue tome. Likely it had to do with her new position. Shizuru was elegant, the purple dress she wore was simple, conservative. Her eyes downcast, she likely hadn't even noticed that Natsuki entered.
"Headmistress." Natsuki's voice was clipped. Her hands clenching at her sides. "I've come to greet you." It was forced. So much so, in fact, that Natsuki sounded angry.
"I see, you have indeed." Shizuru's expression didn't change as she gazed up from her book. Her eyes burned into Natsuki's form again, her lips tightening into a thin line for merely a moment. "It will be a pleasure working with you." There, she said it. She uttered the fist acknowledgment, the first acceptance, that Natsuki was indeed before her eyes. That the woman would be her co-worker. "I hope we can get along well, Natsuki." Shizuru struggled with the name, although it hadn't appeared that way.
Natsuki could see it in her eyes. The twinkle of something Shizuru hadn't wanted to say, or rather, she hadn't been ready to say. "Whatever." Natsuki bit out. "We'll see how it goes."
"As unruly as ever." The woman of fawn tresses sighed. "Natsuki, we've no other choice."
"Don't call me that." She began to sweat, her heart started to race again. "Kuga will be just fine."
"We simply must get along, Kuga." Shizuru smiled. It was a sad little wane that couldn't find purchase. "Quite the memory, isn't it."
"If you ever say my name like that again, I swear I'll-"
Swear you'll what, Kuga?" It was that voice. That sultry, undertone. One ever so subtle, that at first, Natsuki hadn't know it was a come-on. She was so much younger then, so much more naive. "You've nothing but empty threats, act on them one day. I assure you, it'll be most fortuitous."
"I doubt that." Natsuki shot back. "I don't want to be anywhere near you, so lets get something clear right now." She wanted to face Shizuru down, she dreamed of damning the woman for all she could be worth. Still, Natsuki knew that was something she couldn't do. "What happened back then, it can't happen now. None of it, or you'll be in big trouble."
"What do you intend to do?" Shizuru asked, she was quite amused with Natsuki's fury. It was nice to know the girl was still so easily provoked. "File for sexual harassment?"
It was a suggestion Natsuki took without thinking, her temper getting the better of her. "Y-yeah, that's exactly what I'll do." She stuttered under the pressure. "Got a problem with it?"
"Surely I don't." Shizuru smiled, and then, she returned to her book. "However, if that does happen, I'll give them reasons to believe such a claim. I might as well do it, if I am to be blamed for it."
"Damn it! Don't come near me." Natsuki growled. "I hate you..."
"I know." Shizuru sighed as Natsuki stormed out of the room. "You always have, after all."
Natsuki's miniature rampage lasted only a few minuets before Miss Maria caught up with her. She'd heard enough of the conversation. That was the worst possible way it could have gone, she knew. Yet, it was likely the only way it could have transpired. Her sympathy for Natsuki knew nothing of boundaries and pretense. It was her right to protect all of the students, Miss Maria had decided that long ago. Natsuki just needed a bit more help than the others. Somehow, even now, she couldn't turn the woman away.
Maria ushered Natsuki into her bedroom, leaving her there for a moment before returning with a small plastic box in hand. "Go clean up, you'll feel better." She instructed firmly.
"There is no way I'm staying with that tyrant." The room she was in right now was small, but at least it was safe. The furniture was delicate, yet worn and dated. "I mean, literally, it wasn't even five minuets before she started." It was the first time she had ever stepped into Maria's room, but she was thankful for the hiding space. She ranted while in the bathroom, shaving cream smeared across her face. "What's her problem anyway...stupid, insensitive, conniving..." Her muttering was interrupted when Miss Maria snapped her fingers. It was a good sign to shut up.
Maria was just happy enough to finally hear the fury ease into normal anger. "I did warn you." The elderly woman was sitting on her bed, only barely listening to Natsuki's rant. "You can't run from your problems forever, not even the Headmistress."
"If she catches me like this, do you have any idea what she'll do?" Natsuki was frantic, all pretense for modesty lost for a brief moment when she poked her head out of the door. "Look at me. I have to do this every other day. Do you get it? It won't just go away. It always comes back." Miss Maria had to admit, there was something quite absurd about Natsuki needing to shave every few days. "And it isn't the only dead giveaway either."
Though the humor was grand at a time like this, Maria knew better. "I would assume, she'd think it was adorable." She didn't even smile, knowing how upset it would make Natsuki. "Shizuru has always been fond of you."
"Yeah, she thinks I'm a squeaky toy." Natsuki turned on the water to rinse out the sink, and to wash her face one last time. "You don't get it. No one does. I can't ever get close with her. If I opened up my heart, she'd break me. That's just the type of person she is." Water dripped from her face as she looked at her own reflection. "Besides, would she even like a person like me? I haven't even told Mai."
"You've told Nao?" The question seemed almost hopeful.
"I didn't tell Nao anything!" The shout echoed in the tiny bathroom. "She thinks I pack."
"That you what?" Maria asked, as if she'd heard something wrong. Natsuki rolled her eyes, knowing the term was likely not in Maria's vocabulary.
"Nao knows I like girls. One day she ended up sitting on my lap." Her face was on fire, even though it had just been in cold water. "So now, she thinks I pack...you know...cramming something down into my pants...I sure as hell didn't correct her either. God, that day was hell on earth." Natsuki didn't bother to mention how turned on she was at the time. How nice it had felt to have someone that close. She was almost happy it had been Nao. It was a saving grace the redhead didn't startle easily. "I didn't want to tell her that I normally tuck instead. She just caught me at the wrong time, that's all."
"You should tell them." Miss Maria spoke softly. "Honesty is a quality that can't be forgotten. You've known them for years, do you have such little faith in them? Would they really abandon you now?" These were questions Natsuki asked herself all the time. To hear them have a voice was unsettling. "Nao is such a troublemaker, but so too, are you. You've been the dynamic duo for years, and the brunt of most of my migraines. Don't you think, just maybe, she could harbor feelings for you?"
"Nao isn't my type." It was easy enough to see they would never work. "Besides, she's not the one that kept me up at night. You can't replace a woman who makes you think of every little detail. Fujino pissed me off so much, but she was so beautiful. Nao and I, we're the best of friends, I couldn't replace that for the world." There was an undertone there, and it wasn't lost in the quiet room.
Miss Maria knew that feeling well. "Yet, she could never become more, is that it?" Natsuki didn't even nod, her eyes spoke everything when she sat down in the rocking chair across the room. "You need to go back to your own room, Shizuru will show up there eventually, but you must face her. No matter what you fear she may find out, that will be a good thing, Natsuki. It will mold you, shape you. Even at my age, I still must face my struggles. If I didn't, what type of person would I be?"
"Probably someone a lot less anal." Natsuki smiled softly, that glint in her eyes. Then, her face fell again. "I've always wondered about Shizuru. When she left, our group changed so much. Nao stopped being such a bitch to others. Mai loosened up a bunch. Chie and Aoi, they were always together before, but Chie has become a lot more responsible since Shizuru left. It's like she's afraid to lose Aoi now, and she doesn't dare play around like she used to." Natsuki couldn't explain the happiness she'd found. Now though, she wondered if she had really been happy in the first place. "We'd all built this little bubble around us. This little safe zone, and my room just happened to be the central point for everyone. When I saw Shizuru today, I felt like mine had just shattered...I wasn't safe anymore."
"Emotions don't work the way we always want. We wish they would, that they would bend to our command." Miss Maria agreed. "However, could we really be people who cared, if such a thing were possible?"
"I get your drift." Natsuki said standing from her seat. "It still sucks though."
"Indeed." The woman replied exasperated, ushering Natsuki to the door. "It does, on occasion."
Chapter 6
It was anyone's guess who started the fight first. No matter what began the mess, round two started as soon as Natsuki stepped foot into their shared living space. It exploded when she brushed Shizuru off, acting like the woman of fawn tresses was some horrible disease. Now, the dorm room was nearly silent, save for the heavy breathing. "I told you, I'm going to bed." It was heated, angry. "I don't want to see your face right now." She was pinned between the wall and glistening eyes that froze her in place. "Let me go, Fujino." Her order went ignored. "I'm warning you."
"You cool down your temper, and I may just let you go." Shizuru breather hotly into Natsuki's ear. "We have to face each other some time, and I'd hope sooner rather than later." Her hands may have held Natsuki's wrists down, but she knew the shorter girl could get away, if she really wanted. She licked her lips, temptation was bubbling and she sighed. "Do you realize how long I've been gone, have you even noticed, my Natsuki." She didn't want to let go, and Natsuki didn't want to escape. It was their game. "I've wanted you like this all day." Shizuru was the cat...
"Screw you." Natsuki the mouse. "All you've ever wanted was to torment me, I honestly wish you'd get the hell out of my life." Her voice was a tremble of false bravado. "Then I could go back to normal, I could live my life without worrying about you every second of my day." A year made all the difference. It made the world change over night. She felt like she was going to fall to pieces seeing Shizuru harbor raw desire. It hadn't been like that a year ago. Shizuru teased her, toyed with every emotion Natsuki had...but this...it was different.
It was a need. "You wound me." Primal and untamed. "I've missed you. My heart ached for you in ways you can't even begin to understand. I thought you'd grown up, that you'd forgiven me." Shizuru knew it wouldn't be that easy. "Natsuki, I was younger then, afraid of things, but you were even worse than me." The look in emerald eyes now, it was a glare that was strong. It was filled with passion, anger, hate, despair. It swirled around like an ocean, and Shizuru realized, Natsuki had changed. She had grown up too, just in a different way.
"I cared about you, damn it." Natsuki refused to cry, she wouldn't allow it, but she'd wanted to. Pulling her arms away she overpowered Shizuru, pushing her away. "I had no one when I first came here. I was alone, damn it, alone. Then you came waltzing into my life back then, acting as if you owned it. You used me." She hated these feelings, thinking she'd done a fine job burying them. "Was Anh just a game too? Were we all your damned playthings?"
Shizuru didn't know what to say to that. Didn't dare move as she took in that last name. "Anh left me, Natsuki." How had things become so muddled, so difficult? "Anh wasn't my toy." She bit out. "And you sure as hell weren't either." Shizuru couldn't remember the last time she was so lost, so furious, at what had been said. She stormed off into her room, locking the door behind her. Natsuki did the same in her own room.
"That was close." Natsuki sighed out loud. She'd been so aroused, her pants became unbearably tight. It was so tempting to take Shizuru on the floor right then and there. Her chest felt heavy, when she looked at those eyes. Ones filled with pain and logging. She punched the wall with her fist before falling to her knees. Shizuru was so close, so near, and she'd almost forgotten her earlier years. She would have given anything to kiss her, would have succumbed to any amount of teasing, if only she could have had just a taste of those lips. She felt tired, and so confused. Her heart hammered away as her blood coursed though her vines. She'd felt alive tonight, for those brief few seconds.
She could see the droplets on the floor. The testament of her warring heart. She tried to swallow them back, to force her eyes to stop, but her turmoil kept coming in vast waves. Her tears flowing freely, her sobs following their whims.
The next day was Sunday. There wasn't any class, and they had the day off. The first day of school would be tomorrow and Shizuru shivered as she thought about that. 'I have to survive past today first.' She reminded herself early that morning. She hadn't slept well, the echos of Natsuki's words wouldn't leave her mind. It felt like the weight of the world was crushing her. How could she explain her fears? How could she begin to apologize to the poor girl. They'd known each other for years. They had more history than Shizuru dared to recall. When Natsuki first entered the academy as a kid, Shizuru had already been there. She had friends, and the classes were easy for her.
For Natsuki back then, it was all struggle.
It had continued to be a struggle, if Shizuru remembered correctly. 'So what happened in a year? Why would she change so fast?' She didn't have the answers. Part of her, a selfish and angry side of her, didn't want to know either. She'd been raised in a greedy manner, though she herself, wasn't such a person by nature. She simply asked, and she received. She hadn't wanted for anything growing up. Natsuki wasn't so carefree. The nagging at the back of her mind told her something she didn't want to accept. 'Natsuki has moved on, and you weren't part of the plan.' It was true, Shizuru supposed Natsuki would have moved on from back then. 'But so quickly?' No...she hadn't.
That explained the anger, the distrust. The tremble in her voice, her lack of resistance. 'She thought it was a game.' Shizuru reminded herself. She knew she was a private person. She liked being mysterious. She enjoyed flirting too, she liked being playful, carefree. She wanted to pretend to be that way, to have a few moments everyday where she could let herself go. It may have seemed mean to some, but it wasn't like that had been her intention. 'But, in the end, you still hurt her.' She couldn't deny it, and wouldn't try. 'I was hurting too.' It was her best defense.
She too, had been hurt. The entire morning, there weren't any sounds coming from Natsuki's room. Shizuru knew she'd had to have been in there, but she didn't dare try to fight the angry woman within. Instead, she went back into her room. The phone at her bedside looked regal, and she shook her head, trying to clear her mind. Her fingers pressed numbers in memorized pattern, one she'd held dear. The line rang once, twice, three times...
"Garderobe, Shizuru? Was that really necessary?" The annoyed voice on the other line greeted her. "It isn't every day I get a call, least of all from you."
"What would you have me do then?" Shizuru's mocking tone died as soon as it fell from her lips. "It was necessary though, I work here now. Surely you know that Haruka, I thought I informed you."
"Alright, what happened this time." The voice grew dull quick, almost bored, as if she wanted action, and wanted it now. "I know that tone. Don't even try to lie."
"It's nothing important." It was though, and they both knew it. Shizuru wouldn't have called her otherwise. "I was just wondering when you and Yukino would be arriving. It is-...I find loneliness setting it."
"Where's your delinquent friend of yours? She didn't go off and get herself arrested, did she?" Haruka pressed for information. She was dense, yes, and she prided herself on not making a big deal out of every little thing. This was different. It was a defeatist attitude. It grated on Haruka's nerves, hearing her long time friend like that. "Something happened, now spill."
"She's working here as well." Shizuru whispered, swallowing the lump in her throat. "I just found out yesterday that I was going to take the headmaster position. Natsuki will be working under me. We had a confrontation late last night."
"Tea sipping idiot." Haruka sighed. "That's why I didn't want you involved with her. You always get like that, right after she rejects you." Haruka looked at her files that were strewn across her desk. "We put in the transfer a week after you did. The paperwork is still being processed. Who knows when it'll get done. It takes forever. When I find something out though, I'll let you know."
"Thanks Haruka." Shizuru smiled at that, she could just see Haruka now, likely cursing under her breath as she tried to make her desk look tidy. "You're a real friend. I really can't thank you enough for everything."
"Yeah yeah, I know." Haruka grumbled as she scribbled something away on a notepad. "Listen, I've gotta get back to work, so take care of yourself. Yukino and I will be there when we get the chance."
When Shizuru hung up the phone, the deafening silence took over again. It boomed in her ears, even her breath sounded like a hurricane. She was used to this, she assumed, this loneliness. She wasn't sure why everything had slipped from between her fingers. She made her way to Natsuki's door, it was locked still, just like the younger woman's heart. "Natsuki..." She began, quietly enough that her doleful emotions could slip out of her normally masked voice. "I know you think I've used you." Yet, loud enough that she could be heard through the door. "That you were some game, a passing interest I'd had. That's just not the true, Natsuki. It's a fabrication, built by something. Anything really, but that's not how I feel."
"How do you feel?" The voice was muffled, tired, as if Natsuki hadn't slept at all that night.
Shizuru knew that Natsuki probably hadn't. Rest was a fleeting thing when your heart skipped beats, forgetting you were alive. "If I knew that answer, you wouldn't be locked away, hiding." Shizuru sighed, she felt so weak. "Then again, you've always been that way. Unattainable, though lord knows I've tried." She could almost feel the warmth on her back, as if Natsuki and sat by the door all night. "Natsuki, there wasn't anything between Anh and I. She was a friend, she helped me, when no one else would. I looked into her eyes, and I knew she loved me. Anh knew, she and I, we were on a borderline we couldn't cross."
"You're cruel, Shizuru." Natsuki whispered, venom lacing her voice. "You have no idea just how much." She knew her words were toxic, but she just didn't care. "You don't know what you want, what you're asking. You never have." She felt her strength seeded deeply with anger. "I'm not what you think. You'd be happier with Anh, and I would have been better off, had I not run into you. I hate you." Natsuki's voice began to wane. "I hate everything you've given me. Every once of faith, every shred of hope. I don't want it."
That hadn't been true, Shizuru was sure. "You're lying, my Natsuki. You're not ready to talk to me, I can see that." Shizuru whispered back softly. "I'll wait though, because I can do that for the rest of my life, and I would never regret a thing."
"I can be ready now!" Natsuki spat. "I can be ready any time I want to be, but what good would it do? You tell me that, Shizuru. If you're going to play games with me again, why the hell should I even bother trying to forgive you? Why keep trying to get close enough to trust you? You'll just throw me away, so what's the point?"
"I don't know when it was, that I began to fall for you, but when I had to leave, I realized how much I missed you." It was a failing battle for now, so it was best if Shizuru gave up for the time being. "Seeing you here, it tells me we have a chance, that I have a secondary hope. So, while you throw yours out the window, I'll grasp onto mine. Perhaps, one day, we can meet someplace in the middle." Shizuru knew, she could only wish for a day like that to come.