You feel the cold extend through your fingers and turn warm through your flesh. Your tanned skin stands out even more vividly against the white and black ivory keys.
It's Christmas Day.
Maura's watching over you like always, waiting to hear what your hands have to say. You don't know if you can do this. You don't know if you can do what she's simply asking you to do.
You take a deep breath, look her in the eyes and think about how good this day has been, about how good all of them made this day for you.
You'd all encroached upon Maura's where she and Constance were waiting for you. Tradition dictated the day and you being a creature of habit, were grateful for the routine of it all. There was arguments, food, presents and most importantly, laughter. At some point, even Hope and Caitlin dropped in with presents and a Merry Christmas for everyone. The smile Maura shot your way made your day.
You smile. You can almost see Maura and Frankie enraptured by a tense game of Operation. You expected Maura to win easily but Frankie could hold his own. That surprised you but you're learning.
She's helping you to learn.
Can you do it? You still don't know.
You look down and see the web of scars encasing your hands, a physical manifestation of the webs you once couldn't dust off you heart, your mind.
That was two years ago, now. You'd spent months in physical therapy learning to simply move your fingers without pain. It took so long to learn to write, to learn to hold a gun and shoot again but you did. With her you did.
"I'll look after you. I can be strong enough for you, I promise."
This is the mantra she has lived by. She'd never broken a promise, let alone this promise to you. She's enough, she's always been enough but are you?
You've been practising on your old, beat up Casio at home in private. You didn't think your revelation a month ago would culminate to this, your final Christmas present.
The excitement that consumed her was infectious as she waited for everyone to leave before directing you to one of her spare rooms you'd only been in once before. She knew you'd never look here.
Your first thought upon entering was how before it quickly turned to panic. She saw, of course she saw.
"You don't have to play if you don't want to. Maybe one day you will but it's okay if you don't." You can't help but hear the disappointment in her voice. It makes you look up from the trance you were in.
"I-I don't know." You voice is husky, you try to wipe away the growl by clearing your throat.
"It's okay. Let's go watch a movie. Whenever you want to come in here and play, even if you don't want me to hear you, you can." She runs the tips of her fingers across the piano she's gifted you with. "This is your room now." She looks you in the eyes. The excitement has gone now. The crease in her brow brings your spirits down even further.
She is enough. You at least have to try to be. And you know, you know she'd never judge you for any mistake you could make.
You run your fingers over the keys, still amazed that she bought this piano for you and begin to play.
It's simple, repetitive but you're doing it, you're playing. For her.
You close your eyes and see memories she gave you.
Your fingers have a mind of their own but you haven't heard a mistake yet.
At some point, you open your eyes and see the tears in hers. She's smiling, she's smiling at you and even though she knows this isn't the most complex composition, even though she knows you could have done better before Hoyt, she doesn't care.
You love her for it. You love her for a lot but her acceptance still astounds you.
The song you were playing comes to an end. Your fingers ache but it's bearable and the look she's giving you is worth it.
You'd done it. You'd played and showed her the one side of you she'd never seen before, the side of you you thought he'd taken.
She walks closer, smile still in place and sits next to you. Now you can not only see her warmth but feel it.
"Perfect," she says, leaning in to kiss your cheek and catching the side of your lips.
Song I imagine Jane playing: watch?v=7ldjifolpfI