An American Contractor in Konoha

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any associated intellectual properties. If I did I would probably be able to draw something other than stick figures.

Warning: I don't pull any punches with my language or how the world really works. I have been places most Americans have never heard of and some of the things I have seen people do to each other, socially and psychologically as well as violence, would make your skin crawl. It is a really ugly world and some of that is going to reflect in my writing, especially a story like this. Oh yeah it is also a self insert, maybe you should just stop reading now…

Chapter Two

Is anyone still reading this?

Right, from this point on things start to get a little dark. Sorry but life is kinda ugly, especially when you get paid to toss sharp objects at people like the denizens of Konoha. Anyone that thinks Fire-element Ninjutsu are cool has obviously never seen what it looks like when someone gets burned to death.

Time: N/A, date: N/A. Location: Heaven's Army Training Center Purgatory.

Time is meaningless here. All I knew for sure was that it was now time to go. I was happy to be getting back to what I think of as my work, doing the dirty jobs a government or corporate entity didn't want to do themselves. Just because I am dead is no reason to quit working. After a little run in with an IED I somehow made it into Heaven. Heaven is a wonderful place where there is no conflict, no stress, and your every wish and desire are met. Of course I hated every minute of it. Fortunately I came to the attention of the Big Guy that runs the place and he, of course, came up with the perfect solution. He put me to work. Now I am a contractor employed by Heaven to put things right that need that certain touch of plausible deniability.

My first assignment: Save the soul of Uzumaki Naruto and along with it the world. Well one world in one timeline anyway. No pressure, right?

In the particular Naruto Timeline I was going to Uchiha Sasuke had committed suicide shortly after Itachi slaughtered the rest of the family. Since he was a child at the time his soul was admitted to Heaven. Of course Sasuke is pretty important to the Naruto universe: Without him to serve as a rival and then a friend for Naruto, Naruto would not have developed the mental strength to keep the Kyuubi at bay. If the Kyuubi breaks through Naruto's mental barriers and manifests into the physical world it could be a world ending event. Which would be a bad thing.

To help me in my mission God asked Sasuke to help train me. You see the plan is for me take over Sasuke's body and his life and try to ensure that Naruto remains in control.

To help me in this mission I have a direct line to Heaven that is answered by Emily. She is a fellow deceased otaku with an almost encyclopedic memory of hundred's of Anime and Manga. She is also a hippy and a fangirl, so our conversations tend to be "interesting". She also insists I call her Hitomi; only fair, I guess, since I go by my old handle of Outlaw 1 here.

The Arch Angel of War himself, Michael, is in overall charge of the mission.

Ok enough recapping on with the show… er chapter.

The four of us were all gathered in Michael's office in purgatory for our final mission brief. Michael was going over the details of my insertion into the timeline.

"Outlaw, you will be dropping in at the exact second that Sasuke's soul left his body. We will heal the damage enough for you to survive for a little while, but you are going to need medical attention fairly quickly. We would do more for you, but we are trying to keep the expenditure of Holy power to a minimum so that the Kyuubi won't notice. If it even suspects an agent of Heaven is present then your job will be that much harder."

I turned to Sasuke who was standing to my right. "Hey kid, I hate to ask you this, but I need to know. How did you do it?"

Hitomi, who had assumed a sort of maternal protectiveness over the young Uchiha, put her arm around his shoulder. "What's wrong with you, asking him something like that?" she yelled at me. "Don't you have any human decency at all you thug?" All five feet, one hundred pounds of her were quivering in moral outrage. The effect on her chest through the white robe was intriguing.

Before I could say anything, Sasuke shrugged her arm off. "He needs to know." He said, looking at me with an unreadable expression. "I used a kunai to cut the veins in my left wrist, my jugular veins, and my carotid arteries. It is something we are taught in Konoha in case we must avoid capture." With that he sort of withdrew back into himself and let Hitomi put her arm around him again.

The poor kid was still hurting. Being in Purgatory for the training wasn't doing him much good, although he was perfectly fine while he was wiping the floor of the training hall with me.

"Sorry kid, but you know why I had to ask." Hitomi glared at me, but I ignored it with practiced ease.

"There is one more piece of information you need before you go." Michael interrupted.

We turned our attention back to him. "This last part is vital and we haven't gone over it before because I only got approval for this part of the plan a short time ago."

I looked at him with flat eyes. Making changes to a plan just prior to jump off is a recipe for major screw ups.

Michael continued "This will not affect your operations at all. This is our final option in case of total mission failure." He paused a moment to make sure he had our attention. "In the event of a total mission failure, if a full manifestation of the Kyuubi is imminent, I will transport a large conventional explosive device to Uzumaki Naruto's current position and detonate it. No matter where he happens to be at the time."

Hitomi and Sasuke drew in a sharp breath. I tried not to show it but I was a bit surprised at the ruthlessness of this new facet to our plan. I wouldn't be able to maintain my cool for long.

"The device is closely calibrated to cause the kind of massive damage needed to stop the Kyuubi. The approximate yield is 10 megatons."

"Ten megatons?" I asked incredulously.

"Is that a lot?" Hitomi asked looking a bit confused.

"It's about one hundred times as powerful as the bomb we dropped on Hiroshima." I supplied, my eye brows twitching. I mean, yeah I believe that nuking the site from orbit is an entirely appropriate solution to quite a few situations; however, I was likely to be nearby for the blast. No thanks, been there, done that with lower grade explosives. No need to reach for the brass ring.

Hitomi looked aghast, while Sasuke just looked confused, guess they don't have nuclear weapons in his home timeline.

Michael was looking impatient (again) "I suggest you use this information to motivate you to succeed in your mission. Wrap up any affairs you need to quickly; I will summon you shortly before mission start." With that we were dismissed.

Time: N/A, date: N/A. Location: Heaven's Army Operations Center Building, Purgatory.

We were standing in the office holding the communications suite that Hitomi would be using in her role as mission controller. It was a small cramped office with a comfortable chair facing a computer and a bank of flat screen monitors. It had that blend of drab functionality and high tech equipment I have come expect from such places. Seeing as it was heaven I wasn't surprised to see that everything actually worked like it was supposed to.

Michael looked at me one last time, "If you are expecting a pep talk, forget it. You know your job; go do it."

Just what I like, a boss that deeply cares about the people working for him. "You got it, Boss." I replied cavalierly. "So where is the transport, or do I need to start walking? "

He gave me the look you would expect for a sarcastic comment like that and said; "That won't be necessary."

All of a sudden the world turned inside out and I could taste the color purple. It is sort of mint flavored if you were wondering. And yes, that information was going to make me suspicious of popsicles for a long time.

Time: 1924 hrs, Date: 4 years before the start of Naruto. Location: The Uchiha family compound.

The disorientation lasted less then a second and I was suddenly standing in a traditional Japanese style room- tatami mats and paper walls that kind of shit. There were also old dried blood stains on the ground in front of me. I could smell fresh blood in the air. It was about the time that I noticed this that the pain hit me. Looking down I saw hands that were connected to my arms, but weren't mine. In the right hand was a kunai style knife. It was crude but well made and unornamented, perfect for a weapon that you might take into harms way, but have to discard at some point. The left hand was a mess. The sleeve on that arm was rolled back and the inner forearm was not just cut, but flayed down to the bone exposing cut arteries and veins. The blood was pouring out of the massive wound fast. More blood was cascading down my chest from my throat. I was no doctor, but I didn't think I had long to watch the show.

In my ear I heard Hitomi's voice: "Eew that's gross.

I also heard a whimper that was probably Sasuke and Michael saying; "Ahh good the communications lines are open.

"What the hell is going on?" I gurgled into the empty room.

Michael replied: "This is the start of your mission. You are in Sasuke's body just prior to his death by suicide. God is about to heal you just enough to survive long enough to seek medical attention.

"I hope He hurries the fuck up this hurts like a bitch." I said while putting pressure on the wound to try and staunch the ever increasing blood flow that was adding a fresh pool of blood to the stains already on the floor.

"Why can I hear you in my head?"

Hitomi: "You didn't pay attention in those briefings? I can talk to you from the control room, I can also see what your eyes see on my screens or view the area immediately around you."

I wanted to make a snappy remark to answer her snarky tone, but at that moment the wound under my hand started glowing and I felt warmth suffuse my body. I moved my hand in time to see the wound on my wrist begin closing on it's own as though it were healing before my eyes. Oh yeah, Holy magic is awesome. I gotta see if I can learn that water to wine trick someday.

All to soon the effect ended leaving me with a wound that looked like something a goth kid that got serious about it would do to themselves. Life threatening, but no longer impossible to survive. It still hurt like hell. The wound to my throat had disappeared entirely.

"Guess that's all I get." I muttered as I set to work.

First step was to put a tourniquet on my arm. I tore a strip from my shirt and wrapped it around my wrist. Tying it in a knot with only one hand was a pain in the ass but I finally got it done and slipped the handle of the kunai into the slack end and started twisting. The secret to successful application of a tourniquet is that if it doesn't hurt it won't stop the blood flow. I growled as the bleeding stopped and tied the tails of the knot around the knife to keep it in place using my right hand and my teeth.

I then wrapped another strip of shirt around the wound itself to help keep debris out.

This left me half naked and half conscious from the blood loss, but able to move.

"Hitomi," I said "Is Sasuke there?"

Hitomi: "He's here but he doesn't look to good. He's just staring off into space."

Great, just when I need him he goes into shell shock. I mean watching yourself die on TV can't be all that traumatizing; kids are all sorts of resilient. "I got it." I ground out.

"Hey kid!" I yelled into the empty room. "Cowboy the fuck up and get back on the fucking job! I need you here or I am fucked like a troop of boy scouts camping in Michael Jackson's backyard."

Hitomi: "Hey! Watch it, mister."

Sasuke: "I'm all right."

"OK kid, I need you to help me find my way out of here and get somewhere that has people."

Sasuke: "Alright. Turn around and go through the door behind you."

As Sasuke's directions led me further from the grisly scene that was the place he died in this timeline he seemed to recover from his state of shock. He was getting almost loquacious by the time I stumbled out onto a well traveled street. Covered in blood. I bumped into a fat lady carrying a cat and when she looked down at me, she was so startled she let out a little yelp and loosened her grip enough that the cat escaped her hold and took off running down the street. I looked up at her, woozy from the blood loss, and said: "You got a band aid and some morphine you could lend me?" Then I felt myself falling as the screaming started. I blacked out shortly before I hit the ground.

Time: 0800 hrs, Mission Time: D+ 10 hours 36 mins, 4 years before the start of Naruto. Location: Konoha hospital.

The thing about waking up in a hospital after passing out is the confusion. At first you think you are safe in your own bed. Then you open your eyes and see the tubes sticking in you and start smelling the disinfectant and you start wondering just what you did after the party last night.

Of course in my case I also started hearing frantic voices in your head asking you if I was ok? If it hurts? And my favorite: Did I know how worried they were?

"Give me a break, I just woke the fuck up." I said to the room at large.

Hitomi: "You bastard!" I thought I heard a door slam.

Sasuke: "I think you over did it there. She was really worried about you. She stayed at the console all night waiting for you to wake up."

Yeah, so I ain't the most pleasant individual when I wake up in a hospital, hey clinical environments bug me. "Why are you still there kid? I thought your job was done and you were going back to heaven."

Sasuke: "I want to stay and help. It was my life after all and my world."

"Ha! Look who wants to save the fucking world."

Sasuke: "Wow, you sure are foul mouthed. Do you think you could watch the language a little? That is my body you are wearing and I don't want people to get the wrong idea."

"Foul mouthed?" I asked absently as I started looking around the room. It was a generic hospital room. Two adjustable beds, thankfully only mine was occupied or my roommate would have had a ringside seat to this conversation. Pastel colors on the walls, An insipid watercolor painting of some flowers, and a TV. There was a window with sunlight streaming in and I could see the sky through it. There were a couple chairs for visitors, one of those tables that rolls over top of the bed, and an IV stand with a bag on it connected to my right arm via a clear tube. Someone had cleaned me up and professionally bandaged my left arm. "What do you mean foul mouthed? I haven't been able to cuss since I died."

Sasuke: "You've been talking like a sailor ever since you got to Konoha. That world doesn't have any verbal morality controls like Heaven and Purgatory. It is kind of funny, though I can't really tell what you say since it gets bleeped out when it comes over the speakers."

"No shit?" I would have to get used to having a full vocabulary again.

"Well fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. This fucking rocks." I said as I lifted my arms off the bed. The motion caused a spasm of pain in my left wrist. "Fuck!" I yelled.

Sasuke: Hn.

The commotion must have been noticed because the door to my room opened and a woman dressed as a nurse walked in. The way she moved, all light yet tightly controlled at the same time told me she was a trained fighter. Probably a medical ninja.

"Oh, your awake." she said. "Just wait right there." Then she was gone again.

"You know her, kid?" I asked Sasuke in the emptiness of the room.

Sasuke: "No, it's a big village. I don't know everyone in it."

Before I could reply the door opened again and a head peeked around it. It belonged to a youngish adult wearing a Konoha Hitai-ate with a large scar running horizontally underneath his eyes and bisecting his nose. He had a kind face that was clouded by worry and a hint of disappointment.

Sasuke: "That's Iruka, he is my homeroom teacher at the Ninja Academy."

I couldn't respond since I wasn't alone so I settled for greeting the new comer. "Hello, Iruka-sensei, please come in."

Iruka put his hands on his hips and stared down at me. "So what the hell were you thinking with that little stunt? I mean you obviously weren't trying to kill yourself. I checked your academy records, you've already had self-termination training. What you did to yourself was the mark of an amateur, not someone who has undergone the best ninja training in the world."

This speech was a little much to take first thing in the morning.

"Hey, teach, I was just peeling the apple I was gonna give you and my hand slipped."

I swear to my new boss that one of those little anime symbols that looks like a pound sign appeared on his temple and he clenched his fists in anger. Anime is so cool.

Iruka visibly calmed himself with an effort. "You look a lot better then last time I saw you." He said. "Of course, you were unconscious and covered in blood."

I hazarded a guess , "You're the one that found me."

"I heard the Daimyo's wife scream and went to check it out. I got you to the hospital in time for them to save your life."

I had just the right response for that: "Hn"

After that Iruka talked at me about some inconsequential things like homework, respect for authority, not killing yourself , and something about seat belts and fire extinguishers. Honestly, I tuned him out.

An hour or so later he was chased out by a doctor who looked at my wrist and told me I was fine and to get out and stop wasting their time.

Time: 1100 hrs Location The streets of Konoha 4 years before the start of the Naruto series

I was walking along exploring my new hometown. It was strange, a lot of people were waving and even calling me by my name. It seemed Sasuke was a popular kid in this town. I wasn't getting a whole lot of communication from control. The real Sasuke had clammed up after I started walking around town and Hitomi was taking a short nap after staying up all night.

I was trying to think of a way I could use the "short nap" line to antagonize her when I noticed a shop I recognized from the anime. Ichiraku Ramen is actually located in what would be called the "bad" part of Konoha if such a thing can be said to exist. It is certainly a rundown section of town and the restaurant is no exception. However ,the smell coming from the place is incredible. I can see why Naruto likes to eat there so much.

Looking under the little hanging curtain I saw no sign of anyone wearing orange so I decided not to stop in, but this place was definitely on my list of "places in Konoha I just have to visit."

I wandered a little more as the day turned to afternoon and then to evening. Konoha was interesting. The architecture was like nothing I had seen before (outside the Naruto anime and manga of course) and I just felt like looking around and getting my bearings.

As the last rays of sunlight faded away I found myself in a deserted park. Since no one was around I figured I could finally have a conversation with myself without anyone thinking I was crazy. Granted I expected to have a conversation with a shrink after the previous tenant of this body played slice and dice with his wrist, but they just seemed to shrug it off as "boys will be boys". A refreshing point of view, really. After all I was with Skippy of "Skippy's list" fame: A potential suicide should be given a loaded magazine and some time alone to work out his or her (and you thought I wasn't politically correct) issues. All I asked was that you think of the janitor and do that shit outside or something.

Still, I figured talking to myself in front of the locals would be a bad thing.

"Hey pipsqueak, you done with your short nap yet?" I asked into thin air.

Hitomi: "Watch it mister or I will… I will …"

"You'll what?" I asked, amused.

Hitomi: "I'll wash your mouth out with soap.

Sasuke chose that moment to break in before I could ask her if that meant she was planning on joining me in the shower.

Sasuke: "Leave her alone, I don't want my body arguing with innocent women."

Aw, was the kid developing a crush on the fangirl? Guess he digs older chicks.

Hitomi: "So what do you want?"

"I need some directions here. It is getting about time to get some sleep and I have no idea how to get back to the Uchiha estate."

Sasuke: "I don't live there anymore. I have an apartment over by the academy. I'll guide you to the school and then back to my apartment so you can get to class in the morning."

"Thanks kid." I said as I exited the park.

Sasuke: "No problem, now turn around because you have to go back through the park to get there."

Smart ass little punk.

Time: 2000 hrs Location: Uchiha Sasuke's apartment. 4 years before the start of the Naruto series

It only took a couple minutes to walk to Sasuke's apartment with a short detour to find the Ninja Academy. Now I was ransacking the kid's fridge looking for something that resembled food.

"Fish." "Natto." "Miso." "Weird Japanese shit I can't identify." I said naming items as I casually tossed them over my shoulder into a trash can.

Hitomi: "Hey what are you doing with Sasuke's food!"

"Well I figured since A: he won't be needing it anymore, B: I don't eat any of this stuff, and C: I am not going to keep it as some sort of shrine, that I would clean out the fridge before I fill it with stuff I can eat. Mostly red meat and bacon if you were wondering. I guess I am a little to young for beer still."

Hitomi: "I should say you are too young for beer!" "Have you thought about going vegan? It really is a much healthier lifestyle."

"Yeah only if you are some hipster douche living off of your trust fund who does nothing more physically active then shopping to try and find the tightest jeans possible." I snarked. "Look, I'm going to be working as a ninja here. That means lots of running around and getting into combat. I am going to need lots of protein and starches for that kind of activity. And besides, vegan is another word for pussy." I muttered back as I continued to throw various strange, exotic, and no doubt horribly tasting food into the trash.

Finding some rice, chicken and spices, I decided on dinner for the night and threw away the trash. I would make a big enough meal to live off the leftovers and then go shopping after school tomorrow. I really hoped they would have bacon here.

Just as I was climbing into bed I heard a voice inside my skull.

Sasuke: "Hitomi says I am only allowed to tell you where the vegetable market is."

"Tell her she's a dirty hippy midget." I said as I rolled over and went to sleep. What a fucking day.