James tried not to move as Madam Pomfrey skimmed her wand over his face removing the last traces of donkey from his features. He sneezed as he felt his nose shrink back to his normal size. Madam Pomfrey finally lowered her wand. "There back to your original self."

Madam Pomfrey had clearly not believed the excuse that it was transfiguration practice that had gone wrong, but she didn't ask further. She had prepared a potion that she said would reverse the changes and the steaming viscous concoction was resting in a goblet by the bedside. According to her with the right reversal spell and a potion or two the partial transfiguration was relatively easy to reverse, but due to the half-finished nature of the jinx sometimes residual magic lingered , leaving side effects.

She had wanted him to stay in the infirmary for longer but there was no way James was going to miss out on the chance to transform. Finally She had agreed to release him if he promised to return if he felt any complications coming on.

He had no intention of returning to the infirmary for anything short of imminent death but he didn't tell her that. As he felt his face which felt pleasantly normal he thought about being humiliated in front of the crowd of students. He remembered the look of anger on Lily's face but she didn't understand, Severus deserved what he had got. He wasn't going to a good end. He regularly found reasons to venture into the restricted section of the library. He was a bad influence on the younger students and several times he had used spells that were startling similar to ones that had been forbidden by the ministry of magic as dark arts. James convinced himself that Severus actions were the reason for his own. It didn't have anything to do with the way the boy was always hanging around Lilly or the page he had found in his journal. It was only because Severus wasn't good for anybody. Why couldn't Lilly see that? His fist tightened as he thought of the picture Severus had drawn of her and then his mind turned to Lilly yelling at him defending Severus.

He remembered her face defiant and flushed as she shouted at him. A part of him was furious with her for how she had humiliated him and desperately wanted to pay her back . The other part was filled with admiration. There were few people that would have dared to stand up to either him or Sirius like she had. And her cheeks had turned a lovely shade of pink. Her bright green eyes had been unnaturally bright. Her anger had only made her even more beautiful...

A voice broke him out of his thoughts. "That is not going to drink itself. " Madam Pomfrey said tapping the steaming goblet with a finger. She continued threateningly. "And if that's not gone in the next minute Potter, I'm keeping you overnight."

James hastily grabbed the goblet and took a large gulp. He almost spat it out but managed with difficulty to keep it down. The potion tasted of rotten eggs, dirt, cod-liver oil and rubbish. He gulped the rest down in swallow and then set the goblet down grimacing at the awful aftertaste.

"More of an eye opener than fire whiskey eh, James?" Sirius chuckled.

James scowled at him. Madam Pomfrey who had remained nearby overheard the comment and said rather sharply. "And just tell me how exactly you know about fire whiskey, young man."

Sirius raised his hands. "It was just a comment."

Madam Pomfrey pursed her lips and seemed inclined to say something else but her attention was caught by something else. Sirius followed her gaze and saw her watching Remus. He was leaning against the wall; his shaggy hair hung in his face as he bowed his head. Every few moments he would shudder somewhat and his fingers would dig into the stone wall behind him. His lips were tightly pressed together in a grim frown and he didn't make a sound. But despite his attempts to hide the pain he was swaying slightly and looked ready to faint.

Sirius immediately felt guilty as he remembered what he had said to Remus, when he had tried to get him to lay off Severus. "Here." He said as he pushed a nearby chair towards Remus.

Remus straightened up and found everybody watching him. "I'm fine Sirius" He said but his voice shook as he spoke.

"You are most certainly not fine, Lupin." Madam Pomfrey said . She moved closer and gently pushed Remus down into the chair.

"I'm fine." Remus muttered again, while holding his head in both hands. He mumbled."Just have a bit of a headache." Madam Pomfrey placed a hand on Remus shoulder and glanced at James and Sirius wordlessly gesturing for them to give her and Remus some privacy.

They obligingly walked a short distance way and watched as Madam Pomfrey quietly talked with him. She was utterly unaware that the two already knew what was wrong with their friend.

"He has a hard time doesn't he?" Sirius said reflectively lounging against a wall.

James nodded. There was silence for a few minutes then Sirius continued. "I mean first he turns into that- that thing and before he even transforms he—" Sirius trailed off as Madam Pomfrey came near.

"You two can leave I'm going to keep him for a while, his sickness is flaring up again." Madam Pomfrey ushered them out the infirmary as she spoke. James glanced back as they walked through the doors. Remus was still sitting in the chair by the bed, but his head was leaning back against the wall; his eyes were closed.

James knew nobody in Hogwarts would see Remus for several days as he had a relapse of his illness. James was still surprised nobody else had connected the dots. The mysterious illness that affected Remus had never been given an official name, students only knew that Remus would disappear for days at a time and when he was seen again his body would have numerous cuts and bruises, his face would been sunken and pale from exhaustion. Nobody had ever seemed to notice that his absence correlated with the lunar phases or how in Defence-Against the Dark Arts his boggart was a full moon, not as many believed a crystal ball. The only people who had noticed to James' knowledge were him and Sirius and he was fairly certain his assumption was correct. If another student had discovered Remus secret the whole school would have known by now.

They walked to the great hall for lunch. James tried to shake off the odd feeling that was coming over him. He didn't know if it was residual effects from Severus' Spell or in his head but it seemed he had a strange almost unresistable desire to transform into his animagi shape. That along with a prickly sensation that covered his whole body was distracting.

A voice called "Wait. "momentarily pulling him from his own discomfort. James paused and noticed a gasping rat-face teen jogging to catch up with them. The small boy was called Peter or Wormtail as his friends had nicknamed him.

Sirius had glanced back also and when he noticed who it was said "Well, Wormtail did you pass finally?" James caught the sarcastic tone but Peter evidently didn't.

"I think I did, though the last question was a little hard."

"And what was the last question?" Sirius asked in a mock interested voice.

"It was about the initial preparations prior to an animagi transforming." Peter said earnestly.

Sirius turned and started walking backwards so he could watch the smaller teen. "So what mark do you think you got?"

"I don't really know. I think an acceptable. It was a very hard exam."

Sirius nodded thoughtfully. "And if I remember correctly the exam was about involuntary and voluntary transformations, with most of the material on involuntary transformation being about werewolves' right?"

Peter frowned clearly trying to remember, then nodded.

""How many times have you taken this test?"

"This was the third time, I think."

"Right so you took a test three times that was based on two subjects you should know like the back of your hand and you think—you think you got an acceptable... What are you a bloody idiot?"

Peter turned bright pink at Sirius words and clamped his mouth shut. Sirius grinned and was about to speak again, when James said. "Lay off Sirius." He ignored Sirius look of surprise at the admonition and instead rubbed his temples. His head was starting to throb and his skin felt like bugs were crawling over it.

Sirius noticed the expression on James face and asked. You're a little tetchy mate and you don't look so good. Everything okay?"

James nodded.

Sirius wasn't convinced and said. "Madam Pomfrey said Snivellus spell might have some side effects. You sure you're up for tonight?"

"Yeah."

Sirius was about to ask James something else but Peter interjected curiously. "What spell?"

James let Sirius fill Peter in on the details, preferring to ignore the conversation and the memories of humiliation it evoked.

~~~0~~~

Remus sank tiredly back into the bed Madam Pomfrey had insisted he occupy and slowly drank the soup she had given him. He could see her moving around the infirmary. He watched as she deftly fixed a boy's broken nose and sent him on his way. quite a few students had come in and out since he had been there. Several had stopped by to see him, expressing their sympathy for him being sick again. As he watched the latest person a girl from Ravenclaw walk away, he wished he could tell someone.

Nobody understood Lycanthropy wasn't an illness really; it was more a state of being. The belief that he was half-human was more true than not. He knew that most werewolves if not all could transform into their other shapes even when it wasn't a full moon. Remus resisted the temptation to do the same. He didn't want to be any less human than he already was. He already felt enough like a monster.

He lifted his spoon and accidentally spilled soup as his hand shook. The pain was getting worse; His limbs ached with more intensity than before. He felt the urge to transform building. Remus knew that if he gave in to the urge as his body wanted to and transformed a few times each months the transformation during the full moon would be better. He would still become a deranged wolf unaware of anything but killing, but the initial pain in transforming would be marginally less. But Remus wouldn't willing become a monster. He hated what he was. He hated the way his mind was destroyed and he had no control of his actions. And after every full moon he feared awakening to himself only to find he had bitten someone else and passed on the curse.

He felt somebody staring at him and glanced up to find Madam Pomfrey looming over him. He didn't miss the pity in her gaze as she said in a stern yet soft voice. "Lupin I expect to see all that soup eaten. You need to keep up your strength you know you won't be eating anything for a few days."

Remus sighed and tried to swallow another mouthful but the pain was taking away any desire to eat and making him feel ill. He set the bowl aside. "I'm not hungry."

She frowned then sighed and said quietly "Very well Remus, but try to get some sleep." Then she grabbed the bowl of half-finished food and swept away.

Lupin stared after her, he hadn't missed how she had used his first name, but she often did that when it was just the two of them. He didn't find it awkward; at first it had been but now that she had seen him through numerous transformations it was comforting to have something familiar for his last few hours as a human.

He settled back onto his pillows and tried to sleep. He soon feel into an uneasy slumber, half-disturbed by nightmares of what he would become and the pain that clung to him not even dulled by the warm envelope of sleep. The pain remained with him even in his deepest dreams reminding him that his nightmares were all too real.

Too soon, he felt a hand on his shoulder and jerked awake. The infirmary was deserted and Madam Pomfrey was once again standing over him. Her young, kind face was grave as she said quietly "Everybody's at supper it's almost time ,dear."

Remus gazed past her and noted the sun beginning to set and the deepening shadows. Twilight was fast approaching. He swung his legs from the bed and stood up. He swayed slightly and felt sick. Madam Pomfrey put a hand on his arm to steady him, but he shook his head and moved away. She pursed her lips but silently walked along side him, allowing him to take his own slow steps unassisted. They left the infirmary and passed the great hall. The chatter of children reverberated from behind the thick wooden doors and not for the first time Remus wished that he wasn't the freak he was.

Quietly, left the castle and walked across the deserted lawn that was already beginning to wet with dew. They hadn't encountered one person in their journey and Remus idly wondered whether the lack of students was due to it being supper time or because somebody had made sure the halls were clear before he left. He suspected it was the latter so nobody would follow them and find out his secret or more likely die at the hands of a werewolf before they even had the chance to tell.

They had reached the Whomping Willow. Madam Pomfrey stood carefully out of reach and raised her wand directing it at a nearby stick, she caused the twig to soar through the air and poke the knot on the trees trunk rendering the Willow immobile. They continued forward, down into the tunnel at the tree's base.

They walked in silence for Remus each step felt like he was on a death march. No matter how many times he tried to resist each month he died and was reborn. To him that was what it was like in the last desperate moments as his mind was swallowed in one that was utterly alien and then when his mind remerged later as the vestiges of the wolf's mind clawed at his consciousness refusing to relinquish its hold completely.

When they reached the end, Remus surveyed the inside of the room they had emerged into. It was exactly as it had been for years. The furniture was broken into shards. Dark streaks of blood- his own blood-stained the walls and floor. The brownish smears were a testament to the many times he had slashed and bitten himself in desperation as a werewolf bereft of prey often did.

"I would like to stay with you a little longer Remus, dear, but I think there's not much time left before..." Madam Pomfrey trailed off. Remus could tell she wasn't telling the truth. She didn't want to spend any more time in his presence and he couldn't blame her . he knew she was afraid of him transforming . For good reason he thought. He was a monster.

"I'm fine you can go." Remus said trying to smile slightly but feeling his pained facial muscles fail to perform the task.

Madam Pomfrey nodded. "Very well , dear. I'll be back when it's –it's over."

Remus watched her go, then sank down onto a bed in the corner of the room. The mattress was shredded and the bed clothes had long since been destroyed by rats and –him.

The rays of light coming in through the boarded up windows were dimming and the pain is his body was increasing. Remus slowly undressed, savouring the moments as a dying man would his last breaths.

He laid his shirt and trousers in a small cabinet higher up it was one of the few objects in the room that hadn't been destroyed. He had no desire to change back and find his clothes were in shreds , he remembered the humiliating feeling from earlier transformations of Madam Pomfrey coming to find him crouched naked because in his transformed state he had ripped his clothes to tatters.

When he was down to his underpants he settled back on the bed watching the light fade and the sky darken.

~~~0~~~

James, Sirius and Peter slipped out the Great Hall as the sun began to set. They made their way across the lawn to the Whomping Willow.

"Okay, let's hurry." Peter said as he quivered with nervous energy.

"Damn you're nervous, wormy. What do you think Moony is about to come barreling out the tunnel as a werewolf and attack us?" Sirius said coldly.

Peter settled down and frowned. James knew why he was Peter was so anxious . It was a well-known fact that werewolves preferred to attack humans almost exclusively compared to other species.

James focused and carefully performed the connectare charm that would allow them to communicate while they were in their animal forms. Then he and Sirius watched as Peter began to shrink. His face narrowed and fur sprouted on his skin. His body dwindled until he disappeared into his clothes and a rat emerged from the shirt collar. Sirius grabbed the heap of Peter's clothes and shoved them into a bag , then he stuffed it behind a set of bushes. He was grumbling about Peter—as he did so the other boy still hadn't learned to transform with his clothes on.

Peter scurried across the grass and deftly scampered up the Willow's trunk toward the knot that would immobilize it's thrashing branches. As he placed a paw on the knot the tree froze.

James glanced at the sky. It was still several; minutes before the moon emerged but James preferred to be careful. His animagi form was so large it would be incredibly cramped in the narrow tunnel at the base of the Whomping Willow. Sirius' form would also be crowded in the tunnel so they both usually made that part of the journey while still human. But no matter how many times they did it both of them were apprehensive about walking into a dark tunnel towards a person who was about to transform into a werewolf. Sirius took the lead and the other followed. The light provided by two lighted wands only made the dusty tunnel seem even creepier. They emerged from the tunnel into a dingy room and heard the sound of ragged breathing. For a moment both boys' hearts jumped as they thought Remus had already transformed. But a quick scan of the room revealed he was still human. He sat on the edge of the only bed in the room, clad only in his underclothes.

His head was bowed and his shoulders were hunched as he breathed hard and fast. His expression was twisted in pain and the old scars from previous transforms stood out vividly . Remus didn't appear to have noticed they had arrived . Sirius watched as a shudder wracked the other boy's body and said quietly "Remus?"

~~~0~~~

Remus turned his head upward and forced his mind away from where his thoughts were drowning in agony. He watched his friends. Wormtail was already transfigured and sitting on the edge of a broken table nibbling on something he had found. James and Sirius were in human form. Remus was grateful for their presence and at the same time he hated them for coming.

He was grateful that he wouldn't have to undergo the transformation alone as he had for years. He wouldn't be left locked in a room to tear and try to destroy himself for days as he hungered for prey he couldn't hunt. Perhaps , eventually he would be able to retain a shred of humanity in his transformed state with their presence.

Part of him wanted to be alone. He knew in his transformed state he was extremely dangerous.. He could kill any of them as humans within a few seconds and even in their animal forms he could still hurt them badly and potentially kill them, especially Peter who was the smallest. Fear for the safety of his friends wasn't Remus only reason for wishing they hadn't come. He suspected that being their for him wasn't even half of the reason they came. He knew James and Sirius delighted in breaking rules and reckless behaviour. And running with a werewolf every night was the epitome of breaking rules and reckless behaviour.

"You okay Moony?" James asked casually but in his nonchalant tone Remus detected a hint of concern.

"Yeah, I'm good... just waiting."

James nodded.

Remus turned to stare out the window and shuddered as a jolt of pain wracked his body. The urge to transform was becoming unbearable, but he ignored it for as long as he could. He knew that in a very few minutes the change would be out of his control. His bones felt like they were being crushed; his skin was burning and a throbbing sensation coursed through his body. Remus tried not to make a sound as he turned to his friends and said tightly. "You'd better get ready night's approaching."

Sirius grinned. "Sure thing mate. I have no desire to be a wolf snack."

The comment went unheard as Remus was trying to focus on staying conscious—it wouldn't be the first time the pain had overcome him and he hadn't even been aware when he transformed...He hadn't been aware of his last moments as a human. He watched through pain-blurred eyes as James and Sirius each began to change. James halted halfway to becoming a stag—his lower half was an animals and his upper was still human.

Sirius was already transformed but through the charm performed earlier his thoughts were able to be transmitted.

What's wrong, James?

"I don't know. It's like I'm stuck."

Stuck? What don't tell me you're having performance issues - The rest of Sirius comment was cut as James began to transform again, until a stag was standing where he had been.

It wasn't a moment too soon. Remus saw a glimpse of the moon through the boarded up window and straightened up as a sensation like a flash of lightning shot through of his body. The pain in his body intensified, it felt like his bones were being crushed. He knew what was about to happen as the familiar sensations took hold of his body and mind.

His back arched and he felt his spine lengthening. He fell to all fours as the pain in his body reached a crescendo. Waves of pain surged through him and he retched watching the soup from earlier spill onto the floor boards as his organs rearranged. His skin was bubbling now and felt like it was on fire; he wanted to rip it off. Remus raised his fingers—fingers that were now claws and raked them across his body till blood dripped down staining the wooden floor and still the pain didn't stop. He screamed ; his voice was so loud the sound drowned out any other noises. He was vaguely aware of the three animals watching him from the side of the room but he couldn't remember what they were or why they were there and it didn't matter.

Nothing mattered but stopping the pain. He screamed again, as another wave coursed through his body and he felt his muscles twisting into new configurations. He felt his bones twisting and then a sharp grinding as they broke and began to reform. Tears trickled down his face and his clothes already wet with blood grew damp with something else as he lost control of his bladder.

His face elongated and fur began to sprout on his body. The pain was receding slightly but something else was rising to take its place. Remus felt the wolfs' mind threatening to drown his own. He clung desperately to his own thoughts—He was Remus Lupin—a human – he was Remus...He –He was–He was hungry...Desperately hungry. He wanted to kill, to feel blood dripping down his muzzle and flesh tearing between his teeth

The werewolf straightened up and unleashed an unearthly howl; it was ready for the hunt.

Next update will be June 12th (give or take 2 days either way).Thanks to those who reviewed, followed or favourited. Questions for this chapter: Are the characters IC? How was the POV of Remus? Feel free to leave feedback...and you're not blind the title did change this fic was formerly called secret side.