TL;DR

A FF4 Novle

By SpacemanSpiff

Disclaimer: I do not approve this message.

Chp 2 – Da King!

So when I get back to Baron there is this guy, Captain Beigan, there to greet me. Let me be the first to say that this guy is a royal tool! There are few people that I would honestly like to strangle…well okay maybe more than a few. There was that guy in the market yesterday that sold me a bad batch of snake oil. It did not work! And then that soldier earlier today that would not stop crying about the damn Zu that I dropped on his head. Whatever.

Anychoo, this guy Beigan tells me that the King wants to see me, that he wants my shiny new crystal. I tell him to go stick his head somewhere smelly. He just smiles and tells me that my wit has never been sharper. I'm not exactly sure what a "wit" is, but I guarantee it is not as sharp as my blade. Or the cheddar cheese I can cut with it. That reminds me, I need to stop by the store and pick up some cheese on my way out next time.

"So how is Da King these days?" I ask the tool as I follow him through the castle.

"You will refer to His Majesty by his title, you mindless twit!"

"Look, dude, Da raised me since I was orphaned here. We're tight," I remind the smug bastard. "And it's not my fault his last name is King."

The royal douche doesn't have anything else to say, apparently. Guess I shut him up good. We enter this tiny room that you have to walk through just before the throne room and Beigan tells me to wait here. I'm okay with that. I can look at this shiny crystal some more. I'm not sure why they made this room so small. It would make for a good trap to lock some sucker in here and cave the walls in on him. Maybe I should try something like that on Beigan one day.

"Da King…I mean, His Majesty will see you now," Beigan interrupts my shiny time with the crystal. No matter. My plan for his demise is pretty solid. Just have to figure out how to lock him in this tiny room.

I walk into the throne room and Da King is up there on his throne looking pretty awesome. I'd like to be king one day. I bet he has all kinds of shiny things. That crown is pretty damn shiny. So is his bald spot. Man how does he get that so shiny!

"Give me the crystal, Cecil."

"I'm gonna say no."

"You defy me?!"

"Yes."

"Then you can't have the Red Wings anymore!"

"Dude, seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Still no."

"What if I give you this shiny ring?"

The ring is so friggin' shiny I can't stand it.

"Deal!"

"Now take it to Mist on the morrow! And take Kain with you!"

"Your Majesty I come to defend Cecil's honor!" my good friend, Kain the Baboon yells as he bursts into the throne room. He's actually a Dragoon. He hates it when I call him a Baboon.

"Too late, dude, I already got the ring," I tell him. "But you can totally come with."

"Righteous!"