sorry for the long wait. I waited until I was done with all the chapters I was working on before posting anything. I also can only write when I have time. Good news though as spring semester is almost over and as i am not doing summer i will have more time to write. I hope to get a few chapter out of each story before fall semester starts. Anyway enjoy!

Freedom Burns

chapter two:

I think I could get use to this new life of mine, strange soul deep fire and too sharp edges included.

I am starting to think that there is more to this spontaneous combustion thing. The first few weeks after papa left sucked, but mostly in a normal 'my father works overseas' kind a way. It was about a month and a half after papa left when I realized that it also sucked in more of a soul deep way. There was a part of me that seemed to snap and turn in on itself at this point and it hurt. It felt like papa took something of me with him when he left and now I would never be whole again.

I don't mean to be dramatic here, but that's the best way I can explain it. It felt like something that was mine, something that was apart of my very soul was taken away. It literally felt like I was being torn apart by it. There was a hole that wasn't there before and I wanted more than anything for it to be filled.

The problem is I didn't know how to. I didn't know what was going on and it made everything ten times worse. I had mood swings, and an unending ache to be filled, to be anchored and I couldn't understand why. It was driving me insane. I was afraid because there was no way I could see this ending well for me and those around me.

I got by at first by filling that hole with my home. As long as my home was mine, I felt somewhat settled. I don't know how to explain to you how I made my home mine, I just did. Sure I did a lot of pacing and going from room to room when the ache got too bad, but it was manageable. If maybe a bit annoying.

It got worse though. Tsuna had recently turned five and had at some point had his own spontaneous combustion. His fire wasn't like mine though. It wasn't greedy. It was everything that I wanted, mostly anyway. I wanted it to be mine, I wanted my brother to be mine, to anchor my very soul. Yet for some reason he just didn't couldn't be mine. He felt like he was meant for someone else. It hurt and at time made me so very angry. It made me want to snuff out his fire. Irrationality I felt that if I could not make him mine, than he shouldn't be anyone else's. This scared me. I love my brother. Never doubt that. However something in me hated him then too because he was not mine, and I needed something anything to be mine.

I tried focusing on my home again. It didn't work though because now my home wasn't really mine in the way it needed to be. It was now Tsuna's, and that made me so incredibly angry and hurt that I couldn't stay in the house. Yet I couldn't leave it either. I did my best to stay away from my brother at this point because I knew it would not end well if I spent any time with him. Something had to give and it couldn't be me. I think I could have killed my brother at this time. I could have smothered his fire, and it would destroy me. I was irritable all the time, and I was on the edge of snapping. I had to do something.

So I left my home when my mom was otherwise distracted. I had no idea where to go, but I needed to just go. So I wandered around the block before coming back home hours later. It helped, a little. But it was like a bandaid, it didn't really do much else beside covering the problem. I ended up leaving the house everyday, moving farther and farther away as time passed. I was drifting, looking for something, anything to anchor me. To fill the hole inside.

I am sure I would have drifted away and never come back if I hadn't met Tsuyoshi. At this point it had been weeks since I started leaving home and my mama had started giving me money for whatever I wanted while I was wandering. I was surprised when she did because I was only four and most parents wouldn't let their kids wander off at this age. I was grateful but I couldn't understand why. That was until she told me, "I don't know what you are looking for, but don't drift too far, okay Honoka?"

I had been wandering since early that morning. It was after lunch time when I had walked by TakeSushi and I was hungry. So I thought why not stop and get some sushi, I had money and I was hungry. So I went inside. It was not busy as the lunch crowd had already been by and left, which I was thankful for. I was too restless to deal with crowds. I stepped inside and since there was no host I grabbed a menu from the counter and then found myself a seat. I knew it was rude but I just didn't care. I found it very hard to care about anything at this point. I was slowly being ate up from the inside out. My fire, my soul, it was being twisted because of that hole.

"Hello." Tsuyoshi, though I didn't know his name at this point, greeted me with a smile a few minutes after I had settled in my booth. "Are you by yourself, little one?"

I nodded, my attention on the menu.

"Where are your parents?" He asked, leaning against the table.

I glared at him, and reluctantly bit out. "Mama is at home."

Tsuyoshi studied me quietly for a moment before asking, "Does she know you are here?"

"Yes." I said, his eyes narrowed so I added. "She knows I like to walk around… I can pay, I have money. Why does it matter to you?"

"I have a son your age. I am Yamamoto Tsuyoshi, I own this restaurant."

"Sawada Honoka."

"Okay, Sawada-chan, why aren't you at home with your mama?" He asked but I think he already knew why.

I don't know why this is what made me snap, but it did. "It's not mine!" I hissed. "It's Tsu-kuns, and he's not mine so… It's none of your business!"

I didn't notice that my eyes had turned a dark purple or that flames and started to focus at my breast bone. I was just so angry, so empty, I was going to drift away into nothing because I had nothing to anchor me.

"Is that so, little cloud?" Tsuyoshi asked, gently patted my head. He had a fire too. It was blue and pretty. It made me calm and it made the emptiness go away. I wasn't full, I still ached but it was easier.

"No!" I cried a little scared when I realized he was becoming mine. "You can't be mine, you'll go away and, and, and…"

He shushed me and pulled me into his side. "You need a territory little cloud." He said more to himself then to me. "It sounds like you had someone or something that was yours right?"

"I had papa, but he had to leave. Then home was mine, but now it's Tsuna's. I wanted Tsuna and his pretty orange fire but he just wouldn't be mine."

"Shit." Tsuyoshi hissed under his breath, then said louder, "Is that why you don't want to be home?"

I nodded and tried to explain. "I was going to ruin his pretty fire. It wasn't mine, and if it wasn't mine then someone else would take it. It makes me mad because Tsuna is mine, just not mine."

"I see." He said, and ran a blue covered hand through my hair and this time it made me sleepy. "Okay, I will be yours little cloud, if you feel like you need to be grounded you come to me."

"Mine." I agreed, and I went boneless.

"Good, sleep now." He grinned and I slumped against him already almost asleep. "I'll call your mom."

I woke up sometime later, annoyed because I was being poked. Repeatedly, and when I went to smack the hand away from me I missed. There was a giggle and another poke. Reluctantly I sat up and looked at the person who was bugging me.

"Hi!" A boy that was probably Tsuna's age said with a too sharp smile.

"Hello." I muttered back, studying the boy closely.

He looked a lot like my Tsuyoshi, with only subtle differences. He was cute, in a child murderer way. He was just a tad bit too sharp though it seemed he was already learning to hide it.

"What are you doing in my bed?"

"I fell asleep."

"Oh! I'm Takashi, let's be friends."

"Why?" I couldn't help but ask, then I added as an afterthought. "I'm Honoka."

"'cause you aren't scared of me." He replied. "Plus I want to be friends with you Honoka-chan!".

"I haven't really had a friend before. I have Tsu-kun but he's my big brother so he doesn't count." I mused out loud.

It was true, I had friends sure but they were superficial and by the time I left high school I was pretty much alone. God, I was really hopeless in my last life, so afraid to do anything it took me until I was twenty one to go to college and other five years to get my degree. I wouldn't be that girl anymore. I would live, even if that means I won't be a model citizen. And maybe, if I am honest with myself, I could admit the thing I was most afraid of before was myself. I think I was a lot like Takashi before, but not well enough adjusted to be okay with myself. To not fear myself, so I learned to fear everything.

I would not be like that this time. I would learn to be fine with who I am, too sharp edges and all.

"Okay, Ta-kun we'll be best friends." I agreed, and smiled widely.

And if my eyes were just a bit too sharp, there was no one to notice as Takeshi's smile was sharper.

Takeshi and I stayed in his room, sitting across from each other on his bed for a long time. We talked about everything we could think of, something had just clicked between us. I knew that he would be the best friend I could ask for. I just hoped it would be true in reverse.

(I was also so relieved that I didn't have that urge to make him mine. Sure he was mine in a way, but not in that almost all consuming way I wanted Tsuna. Or the way that Tsuyoshi gently made that emptiness inside bearable by being mine).

I didn't have time to dwell on that thought as Tsuyoshi had made his way upstairs and was now standing in the doorway.

"You are lucky, Honoka-chan, that I am an old friend of your mother." He drawled, his eyes moving between his son and I searchingly. "She was relieved that I was able to tell her you were safe and that you were in my care. I am also sure she'll be happy that you two are friends.."

"Dad, we are best friends." Ta-kun said with a shit eating smile. "So you should be happy too. You said I should make some friends, I did better and made a best friend."

"I see."

I yawned, and layed back down in the bed. I was still young and I found that I had a new enjoyment for naps in this life.

"Hug." I said, and looked imploringly at my new best friend.

"Sure!" He agreed and plopped down next to me and let me curl up against him. "I love hugs."

"I see you are good here. I will bring up dinner later." Tsuyoshi said, looking smug. "Your mama will come and get you in the morning Honoka, so don't worry about heading out before dark. Nana told me to tell you that she loves you though."

"Okay, thanks Tsu-oji-san!"

I think I could get use to this new life of mine, strange soul deep fire and too sharp edges included.