Disclaimer: Twilight is owned by Stephanie Meyer. I just like to play with her characters.

Summary: A letter to Edward Cullen written by Bella Swan on her deathbed. This is supposing that he never came back after leaving in New Moon. This is not beta'd so please forgive any errors. Thank you for reading.

On my eighteenth birthday I wished for eternal life but eighty nine years of living has taught me that you don't always get what you wish for.

I still remember you vividly. I remember you, Edward Cullen.

I remember you with a clarity that is haunting.

You are a secret that I carry. You are a tumultuous mixture and wonder and hurt. I try not to think about you and yet... I have to admit that I sometimes wondered about what might have been.

Yes, I was curious about what became of you. I thought about where you might be. I've spent many a night, my longing gaze on the stars, wondering if you were out there somewhere looking at the same sky.

I don't dwell. I stopped doing that when I realized you were never coming back, that you would keep your promise.

I hope you're happy- I want that with a ferocity that makes my chest ache.

I've lived on this earth for almost ninety years and I spent the majority of those years happy.

I want you to know that I understand what you did. I understand that you thought you were doing what was best for me. For the most part I thank you and other times...I curse your twisted yet beautiful view on morality.

I want you to know that I have lived every moment to the fullest, and I did it mostly in part because I could not in good conscious squander your sacrifice.

You once spoke of soul mates, how I would be always be your one and only true love. I believe that down to the very fiber of my being.

I've made my life something worth living because I could not bear to disappoint you. And at the risk of sounding repetitive, I thank you for that.

I thank you for not giving into the selfish monster you thought yourself to be. My old age is a testament to the fact that you, Edward, are far more selfless than I.

I spent a year or two pining for you, hoping that my vampire would come back and take me into his world. I was determined to prove you wrong, hell bent on never forgetting, never letting my mind become of siv of inconsequential distractions.

Just so you know, I never did.

But...I did move on. I grew up and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you would never betray me, and that meant that you would never come back. That I was not meant for your world.

I grew to accept that.

Acceptance is a funny thing. It does not change one's convictions or emotions. It does not steal ones dreams away.

I can not even imagine how many times I've dreamed of your eyes, your voice, your cool touch upon my skin. I covet those dreams because they are all I have of you.

I have not a single picture, not one paltry memento of your perfect face.

You have lived on in my memory stronger than any piece of paper every could. Your ghost is an anchor that grounded me- a life preserver that kept me afloat.

I studied hard, traveled far, found friends, laughter and love.

His love was different from yours, very much so. Not as intense, it took time, took me learning how to trust again. He put me first, always. He loved me unconditionally.

He did. He truly did.

He brought me joy, gave me children. I have been so very lucky in this life.

And it wouldn't have amounted to anything if I hadn't had you. Your memory lingered, your phantom voice reminding me that every moment is precious.

I named my daughter Elizabeth, after your mother. I did this because of the strength she instilled in you, and by extension, the sheer will to live that you instilled in me. I only hope I have done right by her, and by you.

Oh Edward, You would love her, I know you would.

In my more sentimental moments, I imagine you've seen her. Whether it be through your own eyes or perhaps in one of Alice's visions, but I do not dare dwell on that either.

I dream of it on occasion and I let that be enough.

Regardless of my happiness, your invisible presence remained, my love for you never completely dwindled.

I have to confess, here and now, as I lay dying, that I regret not having a life with you. I regret never having the chance or the choice to live forever by your side.

For every sublime moment that wove the very fabric of who I am...I would have given it all up for you.

I sincerely hope you understand what that means.

No love has ever trumped yours.

As strong as his love for me was...I would have chosen you.

I don't regret loving him, or what what he brought me.

The years spent in his presence gave me everything I needed, gave me the few things you never could.

And now, there is only one thing left to say…

Thank you Edward. Thank you for putting me first, for saving my life, but most of all thank you for your love. Thank you for giving it to me, for trusting me to keep your secret.

I never told. I never spoke a word to anyone. I never betrayed you.

I never forgot you.

Never stopped loving you.

I hope this letter finds you well, if it finds you at all.

Yours, Bella