The quote tells from which part of the episode these short insights are written. If you don't have access to the videos, get the transcripts or scripts (for season 1) online.

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Season 1 Episode 10

"Someone called Sophie Miller?"

My whole body freezes of it's own volition. I'm embarrassed to admit that I can't control my reactions when something like this surprises me.

It has only been less than a couple of years and yet it feels like ages. Everything that I think I've left behind, slams at me with deadly force. My shame and embarrassment are almost palpable in their form even to an outsider.

I try to grapple with her intentions. Retracting my denial, I'm consciously shaking in my boots as I take the call. Because I might have been a coward many times over, but I'm not one to forget my debts.

"You don't want to know."

It's painfully obvious what Lisbon's trying to do. She's trying to get inside my head to get to know more about my 'relationship' with Sophie Miller. I try to tell her what she wants to hear and stonewall her poking.

Yet she continues almost stubbornly, now dispensing all guise of pretense. She has some vague ideas as to who Sophie is to me. They're wrong but I don't try to disillusion her. No matter how much she imagines, she could never guess what our connection is. Maybe it's somewhat dishonest and selfish of me but I don't want her to lose whatever fragile respect she has for me or she might glimpse at the gritty damaged man that I am if she knows too much.

Some truths are too horrible to be known.

Some truths deserve to remain secrets.

"Tell me the truth."

Minelli must have reamed their asses. No wonder everyone back in the bullpen was glum.

But how can I give Lisbon what she demands? Although somewhere inside, I know she deserves it. How many times has she put her career on the line to protect me? Sure she huffs or scowls and rolls her eyes while doing it but she does it of her own volition and that counts for something because no matter how many times I've proven unworthy of her trust, she still somehow reluctantly believes in me. So maybe she deserves a partial truth. I don't need to tell her everything.

"But you hate psychiatrists so you always say.."

Oh wow, she's really persistent in pulling my teeth out, isn't she? I still try to give out partial truths in order to keep my dignity intact.

But her bull headedness wears me off. What the hell! I let my guard slip entirely and let it all out. Might as well tell her truthfully what I've been tiptoeing around. The wait is excruciating in it's length.

I see it as it dawns on her. She tries to give it some dimension. She's trying to recalibrate her sense of me because what she has percieved me to be, is ripped off like a band-aid.

I feel as if I'm completely naked in front of her but she's obviously very shocked. She never would've imagined this. I try not to read her but I feel relieved and gratified that there's no pity on her anywhere. She feels completely off balance as if her guard has come crashing down just as mine. She's trying to empathize with me. She feels sad for me.

I don't break our eye contact because it feels like I'll lose something if I do.

I realize I trust her to this secret and allow her to share some tiny bit of it's burden. I show her my vulnerability and she tucks it deep inside so that no one else will be able to get at it, as if it were the most natural of instincts.

I let her gratitude for my honesty soak in. She knows how hard it was for me to actually get the words out and so I apologize for keeping it from her, in turn for her gratitude. I should've predicted her trustworthiness because it seems as inevitable as day.

When she makes her way out, still reeling in the knowledge, I wonder how I got to actually telling her anything, why I honestly told her at all when I had decided on saying nothing.

"What can I say, I'm just drawn to controlling and emotionally damaged men."

Sophie's trying to be flippant about it. There's a lot going on here. My memories keep on assaulting me and yet it's clear as day that She's is hiding something and covering it up by alluding seduction to me. I would pretend to be flattered if not for the deceit. She throws me off when I ask her questions about the violent relationship with her ex. I get down to brass tacks and tell her unpretentiously that she is the reason for my second life. I hope to see an honest reaction and there it is, her guile or maybe something else…

As she walks away, I am pulled back to that eminently dangerous place that I had been after my family was killed.

The white walls, the red streaks, the smiley face, my blood, Red John in my dreams, Red John everywhere, taunting me... I remember it all, even the drug induced stupors. It's a horrifying place and I'm afraid to spiral down to it if I don't pull myself out fast. Back then I thought that life had finished, that I had no reason to live for.

It was Sophie who reminded me that there was- Revenge.

"You really want this case to be over, don't you?"

Well, isn't that our job? Lisbon's being unusually aggressive which is pretty out of character or maybe in character, I doubtfully remain on the fence. She comes to her point in a lame roundabout way without subtlety; though in hindsight, I might conclude that she is being reasonable, even sensible. As she constructs her statements, I begin to get hit by her honest undeniable logic. She isn't just throwing it out there for a flimsy reason, she's just rounding up the suspects. She probably would've done this earlier if it weren't for me. As I let the logic guide me, anger builds in. I begin to think of the best angle to get at Sophie for which I loathe myself. God, I could kick myself for this. Maybe I should've seen this earlier. All of the signs were there but I brushed them under the rug because I had been blinded by the personal connection. But I won't slip up now that I've discovered the betrayal.

It is the ultimate mistake to play me; not to mention she used me like a pawn for her, as yet unknown, benefit.

All she did was violate my trust, when I put mine in her, believing she was the one person who would do it faithfully in return.

"Pride, delusion, greed."

I try to disguise my horror at her falling apart and confessing everything as if to a priest. I guessed that there would be deceit but not of such magnitude. My brain quickly flies through the warning signs and the manipulation and I begin to wonder if I had been anything but a mark to her.

This huge conspiracy to further a hollow theory. There's no one to blame but myself for not seeing this sooner. I continue or try to at least make her confess but I quickly lose my cool and turn away from her.

She basically knew the motive for this murder and yet she said not a word to me. After all this, she has the gall to look ashamed, guilty and pained; after calmly manipulating me and pushing my buttons to serve her purpose.

I try to remind myself of the last time we saw each other just before I was going to be released from the clinic, but her deceit imprints, refusing to fade away. I try to warn her, try to keep myself centered by all the betrayal. Away from her, I try to calm my heart and mind.

"Thank you. That's the finest thing anyone has done for me." (*from the original script)

I laugh humorless yet full of disparagement. She thinks I would have let her get away with it! I tell her in raw crudity that if she had walked, I would have mercilessly told Lisbon on her in under two minutes and come to arrest her myself.

She has sadness on her face watching my candid brutality, thinking that this is what it has come to. But she understands the consequences, I think, and accepts them.

"Jane kissed a girl."

Lisbon's voice is light and teasing. It can soothe my pain, if I let it. But I don't have the heart to play along with her. I am so swallowed in my thoughts that even Lisbon notices. I feel amused by her offer to let me have control and drive at whatever speed I may fancy even when she's afraid of precisely that. I begin to see the change in her behavior, in her treatment of me. Not once has she shown any prejudicial judgment after knowing my weak spot. I assumed after what happened it would change our relationship for the worse or at least, her behavior would catalog some uneasiness or some such.

But where Lisbon is concerned, it has only grown stronger.

I am not sure if it makes me happy or scared.