Chapter 2: North Star

P O V: Sylvie Brett

What is Kyle doing? Why is he on his knees? He looks nervous. I'm actually becoming uncomfortable in this scenario. All my coworkers are watching my eyes land specifically on Matt, he looks as shocked as I feel.

There is something else mixed in his eyes longing? Is that what I am seeing? His eyes keep glancing over my body like butter melting on popcorn.

Kyle's voice drifts back into my world. "I was thinking about this all night Sylvie. When I was in that hospital bed, I promised myself I'd make the most out of my experience." I can't even get a word out between Kyle's speech. I'm not even sure where Kyle and I stand anymore. We dated for a few months, then he broke up with me suddenly. Now all of a sudden he's on his knees taking my hands.

"I love you Sylvie, marry me."

My heart freezes jamming the words stuck inside my throat. How am I suppose to feel? Gabby's face pops into my head instantly. The day Matt proposed she was grinning from ear to ear, couldn't sit still, she kept looking at her fingers. Till she couldn't stand it anymore. "Matt proposed!" the exuberance in her voice was enough to make a deflated balloon into a king sized bouncy house. "It's a dream come true Sylvie! It's all I ever wanted ever since I was a little girl. I just wanted my prince charming to come so I could be his queen, and we could have little princess and princesses."

I can't seem to wake up, I can feel the heat, hear voices around me but I'm trapped in my dreams. Although there more like memories than dreams.

I was five in this memory slash dream. Running through the back field laughing bare feet trying to catch fireflies. "Mama! I can see my future!" I'm chasing my brothers who are squealing, trying to rush away from me. Our whole family is gathered around roasting marshmallows over the open fire pit, our uncle on our dad's side is playing the guitar, all of us kids are running chasing each other squirting each other with water pistols; My dad's at the grill.

My Aunt Jamie, my uncle Jimmy's wife is singing clapping. They sound so amazing I stop chasing the boys and start tapping my feet. Laughing as my blond hair flies while I spin around the field. I'm so into it I didn't even notice my dad coming over to take my hand. He twirls me under the glow of the beautiful starlighted sky.

"I can see your future to baby girl. It's brilliant, it's fierce. Just remember baby girl whenever you feel lost, alone or just unsure. Remember what your knees are for. Thy Lord shall be by your side, he will be your gentle reminder. For thy flock is nothing without it's Shepard."

"Of course daddy! I shall remember."

"Stop hogging daddy piggy!"

"Stop whining Jeb" "No piggy." "Don't call me piggy, you little toad." "make me princess. You can't do nuthin' you're a girl. Girls are…" my fist lands in four year old Jedidiah Dean's face.

"I'm bleeding!" within seconds I am on top of him tackling him. Our cousins surround us chanting fight! fight! I manage to get three blows in before he starts to fight back kicking, biting. I'm strong from hours of farm and house work. Our parents let us fight no one rushes over to stop us. Their view is let them learn a lesson. Grabbing his overalls I pull him back both of us slipping into the mud.

By the time we're done both bloody, panting sore and exhausted. "Boy you got your ass kicked by a girl!" Timmy is the first to laugh pointing at Jeb who stomps his foot. "I hate you Sylvie!" he rushes off pouting like the child he is. Getting up I am hit by the horrid smell of mud, my skin feels dry and itchy from the caked on mud. I can't even open my eyes it's weighed down my eyelids.

No matter how hard I try to wipe my eyes clear they only get muddier, makes sense with my hands caked in mud as well. My Aunt's dog is barking it's head off scaring me he's mean as a snake. I don't want to run into the demon. "Hold still there my sugar doll." My daddy's voice stops me. I feel his hands on my face gently wiping my eyes clear.

Vision is restored I see my handsome daddy smiling at me. He's the only prince charming I need. "There's my beautiful princess. I'm proud of you don't ever let anyone tell you that your something you are not. Always stick to your guts and follow your heart." His gentle kisses over my eyelids make me giggle. "Don't ever settle for any man who is afraid to live you when your covered in mud, love isn't always diamonds, glitter. Real love true love is gritty, dirty, and precious. Just like you my little country Cinderella running bare foot in the field with your kin' bowing to Jesus. A real man will look at you and love every part of you the bold the assertive, the shy, quite sensitive and the free thinker who is unafraid to be original."

"Dance with me my Country Cinderella." His hands rest on my hips as we dance all around the field to the sound of her family singing.

"Find your North Star Sylvie they'll never lead you wrong, the North Star shall always lead you home."

"Sylvie listen to me…." Kyle? No the voice is too deep my head is pounding "It's Matt, Sylvie stay with me honey, I got you." My body feels like it's being lifted "Stay with me Sylvie." Stay with him? Where are we? Why can't I see him? Okay Jesus I turn it over to you lead me out of this valley. There is so much dust, fire and death.

Be my North Star.

The words come back to me from some Sunday school class many years ago. Jesus's words to his disciples.

"I'll always bring you back home, when you are lost in the valley it is always darkest in the shadows. I'll be the light, the warmth when sunlight is gone. Do not let your hearts be distressed. You believe in God; believe also in me. There are many dwelling places in my Father's house. Otherwise, I would have told you, because I am going away to make ready a place for you. And if I go and make ready a place for you, I will come again and take you to be with me, so that where I am you may be too." Is he trying to tell me I am dying?

"And you know the way where I am going.""Lord, I don't know where you are going. I am so lost Jesus. How can I know the way Lord? Kyle is a good man, but Matt he is the one I hear, he is the one guiding me. Is he my North Star?" "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. I shall not lead you astray my child."

I'm trying to see his light but all I see is darkness, all I feel is fear, confusing. Maybe he's trying to say I won't have to full fill my commitment to Kyle. Maybe his plan is I won't live long enough to honor my acceptance.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you; I do not give it to you as the world does. Do not let your hearts be distressed or lacking in courage. You know the way my child, now rest thy weary eyes, for peace/ clarity shall be granted upon your awakening."