Infinite Regress

All that can be said is that it was harder for Garrus. A lot harder.

Having never died and gone through resurrection before, he had no way of recognizing the changes going on around him. As he felt the fire of the dying Reaper consuming him, his only thought was of Shepard. It transcended the pain and fear. His absolute last thought, the only one that had any coherence, was to stay by her. She was his lifeline, grounding him in life and pulling him now towards death.

His death was the easiest part to understand. The fire ripping through him and his body becoming undone at its very seams. It was like the rocket on Omega, but the effect was more absolute. There would be no coming back from it. Not this time.

But then he was moving backwards, toppling over and through himself as he lived everything as it was. He let the images pass, though he felt that if he reached out and into these memories, he could settle himself into them. He was dizzy as the movement slowed, as his mind collected itself and came forward with a slight start back into his physical self.

It took time for him to understand the world around him, as it was so different from the reality he had expected. He had the distinct impression he'd been sitting at this desk for some time, staring blankly at the datapads and files. As he realized where he was, settled in a quiet nook of C-Sec at a desk he hadn't seen in years, the first thought that surfaced was a startled, Am I in hell?

A smaller part of his mind, one that was not at all surprised to be there, gave an annoyed, No, but I can't imagine hell being much worse...

For days, a week nearly, he went through the motions of being the Officer he used to be. Sleeping in a bed that didn't quite feel like his. Talking to people he could no longer call good friends. He longed for faces that weren't quite clear, though the feelings associated with them were strong. It was strange to be there, in a place and position he'd never wanted to go back to. A life he'd never missed or looked back on with wistful nostalgia. No part of him was satisfied with being here, but a younger part riled against it without knowing where he would rather be. Now the whispers of memories this older self-contained made all too clear what life could (should, part corrected) be like.

But it was all like a strange dream, one that was becoming more and more unclear as this new (old) life continued and stretched before him. It made more sense for it to be a dream, right? The longings of a bored C-Sec officer. There was nothing, no clue, that it could be true...

"Hey Garrus. How's the investigation going?"

He stared blankly at the familiar markings of another turian. Chellick, the quiet part supplied.

"What?" he asked blankly.

"On Saren?"

"Saren!" he snarled automatically, then immediately reeled in his anger again. "What about him?" Part of him was surprised at the outburst, but equally amused at the terrible attempt to cover it up.

"The Executor said you were assigned to the case. My apologies if I was mistaken...?" He was clearly uncomfortable, uncertain of himself after his colleague's odd reaction to his attempt at smalltalk.

Saren. C-Sec. Invesigation. The words made sense but in a distant sort of way. The unease that kept his younger self tense was hard to give credit to. He knew how this story played out, and it didn't worry him to go through it again.

"Yes," was all he said. It was all he could safely say without another outburst.

"Well," Chellick said, uneasily shifting his weight, "I suggest you find a certain Commander Shepard."

His heart leapt at mention of her name and his chest tightened so that he could barely breath. He was so unable to react that the younger half took over. "Commander who?"

"Shepard. Some human woman with the Alliance. Spectre candidate, or so the rumor goes. She's made some accusations against him to the Council. Maybe she'd be able to help you out."

"I'll have to check into it, thanks." Chellick took the chance to excuse himself from the awkward conversation.

He still couldn't focus, most of his being focused on the face attached with that name, and just nodded a farewell. That face hadn't faded in the confusion of the past week. That face would never fade, so ingrained was every part of it in his mind. The younger Garrus was confused by the reaction. How could a human have this sort of effect on him?

The older one smiled slightly, hope surging through him. You have no idea what you're getting into, he thought, but with a degree of desire and longing that undercut the warning.

There she was. She was there - right there - looking as good as she always had. Better, because she was alive and right in front of him.

The younger half's resistance was all that kept him from grabbing her. She's not your Shepard, he reasoned. His hesitation came from somewhere else, other apprehensions centering around her species and doubts about the future, but he knew his other self wouldn't care about that.

He watched her as closely as he dared, looking for anything - anything - that would let him know if it was her. His Shepard. The one he'd gone into hell with (for) more times than he could count. The one he'd died for. The only reason he could see to go through the next few years again.

But he couldn't know. Everything he saw made him want and hope, but nothing that could remove the doubt. He watched her walk away and wondered how many more times he'd have to do so before the end.

She finds him in Doctor Michel's clinic. It's eerily familiar, all of it, and strangely soothing. If it's all going the way it already did, he'll get to be with her again. Eventually. And while he knows that this path ends in fire and failure and death, walking it with her makes it worthwhile.

He hopes he sees excitement in her eyes as she sends Ashley back to the ship. And he hopes she doesn't see the intensity in his.

She took him off guard in the bathroom, but hell, she was the only one who could catch him off guard like that. The brief amount of comfort they had taken in each other's arms was more than he'd dared hope for. It wasn't until later - much later - that he realized how much giving in had cost them. Or at least had cost him.

If she'd never broken character, never let him see that she was a much different Shepard than she was pretending to be, it'd be easier for him to keep pretending to be a different Garrus than he currently was. Maybe he could've convinced himself that other life had never been real... even if it did keep unfolding around him just as before. It'd be easier to be in Ashley Williams' presence if he didn't see his own discomfort mirrored in Shepard. Fire fights would be more bearable if he didn't notice her blush when he'd pull her under cover. Her lips would be easier to resist if he didn't know she'd welcome him...

And watching Kaidan Alenko flirt with her - again - might be a little more bearable if he could tell him to back the hell off.

He didn't dislike the Lieutenant (it's hard to have bad feelings towards the man you beat to get the girl). He was a good soldier, nice enough. Hadn't held it against him that he was a turian, either on the SR1 or later when his relationship with Shepard became common knowledge. But that didn't change the fact that he was hitting on his mate. His mate.

It'd be one thing if Shepard didn't know. If she really was that woman who had fallen for Kaidan. But at best only half of her was. Half of her, at least half, belonged to him. That's what made it all so damned near insufferable. They knew Alenko stood a snowflake's chance in hell. In the end.

The problem was he'd had a chance once upon a time. Not too far in the future, actually...

As he watched them by the lockers, he felt sick. He leaned against the Mako both for support and to stay out of sight. He didn't want her to see how much this bothered him. He was there for her. If she wanted things to be the same right now, fine. She was the one about to do the impossible. Again. About to die. Again. He'd let her decide when to break from the script. This was her show after all. Always had been.

But the way she was looking at Kaidan right now... There was a time she'd smile like that just for him...

There'll be a time like that again, part of him whispered. The younger self was growing fainter and fainter, weighed down under Shepard's influence on the older self. But his awe of her was slowly binding them together. It was the one thing they shared, the one thing there was just enough of to make one full turian.

Garrus believed it for about a second until he heard her laugh. That laugh...

He wished to any god that would listen that it would stop. That they would just leave and let him think of them as being very far apart. He busied himself with loosening and then re-tightening the same bolt until they moved to leave. Watched her give Wrex a punch to the shoulder and a wave to Ashley. Thought he saw her shoot an apologetic look his way, but he looked away to avoid it.

The elevator doors closed and he finally allowed himself to turn back.

"You really going to let that guy look at her like that?"

"What?"

"Don't play dumb with me, turian. After she picked you up on the Citadel, you smelled like each other for a good week."

He scowled at Wrex before shooting a glance at Ashley. Luckily the young woman was too busy installing gun mods to pay attention to two of the resident aliens. Great. Just how he wanted to spend his shift. Ignoring accusations. What was next, lewd comments and dirty limericks?

"Mind your own business."

But Wrex just continued to look amused, crossing his arms over his chest and leaning back against the hull. "Just saying. Shepard might be human, but she's worth fighting for. You going to let a soft little guy like that take her from you?"

"Love advice from a krogan. Tell me I haven't sunk this low," he muttered before ducking out of sight. He really did not want to be having this conversation with anyone, let alone Wrex.

Wrex's laughter didn't stop until Ashley told him to shut up.

AN:This was originally intended as a one shot, but I wanted to explore it some more. I'll probably take it until the Omega 4 Relay ish. For those of you who asked why they're trying to keep things so much the same, that's something I'll address from Shepard's POV in the next chapter.