DISCLAIMERS: Not my characters (except for Anna). OCs mentioned here are properties of their respective authors.
Chapter Two
To: Shannon Moore
From: Jeff Hardy
High enough to fry lime slices...tasted like shit, by the way
To: Chris Jericho
From: Stephanie McMahon
What color are my eyes?
To: Stephanie McMahon
From: Chris Jericho
Ummmm... 34 C?
To: Matt and Jeff Hardy, Kimo, Shannon Moore, Edge and Christian
From: Anna Hollenbeck and CM Punk
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
To: CM Punk
From: John Morrison
Subject: Melina
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Edge
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
To: Mr. Anderson, Rob Van Dam and the Hardyz
From: Shannon Moore
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
To: Twitter
From: Ryan Shamrock
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
To: Cooper Lawson
From: Jeff Hardy
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
To: Jeff Hardy
From: Cooper Lawson
Why does tequila always make you text me?
To: Undertaker
From: James Lawson
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
To: Daniel Bryan
From: Evan Bourne (college setting)
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
To: Twitter
From: Jeff Hardy
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
To: Twitter
From: CM Punk
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
To: Matt Hardy
From: Kimo
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
To: Twitter
From: Anna Hollenbeck (college setting)
in my drunkenness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
To: John Cena and Evan Bourne
From: Randy Orton
Do you realize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
To: Christian (Chris Jericho was also involved)
From: Edge
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
To: Edge
From: Christian
You weighed it?
To: James Lawson
From: Jeff Hardy and Cooper Lawson
Subject: Taker and Michelle's Wedding Reception
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
To: John Cena
From: Wade Barrett
Subject: Daniel Bryan
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
To: Undertaker
From: James Lawson
Subject: Mindy Stratus-Lawson
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
To: Twitter
From: Matt Hardy
woke up this morning with a big mac and fries on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
To: Twitter
From: Edge
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
To: Mr. Anderson
From: Jeff Hardy
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
To: CM Punk
From: John Cena
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
To: Kimo
From: Matt Hardy
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actually had sex in it.
To: Daniel Bryan
From: Wade Barrett
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
To: Matt Hardy
From: Jeff Hardy
Subject: Threesome with Rated RKO (Edge & Randy Orton)
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
To: John Cena
From: Randy Orton
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole...that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
To: Justin Gabriel
From: Evan Bourne
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ryan Shamrock
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Jeff Hardy
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
To: James Lawson
From: CM Punk
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
To: Matt Hardy
From: Shannon Moore
Subject: Where's Anna?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the subway singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
To: Trish Stratus
From: Christian
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
To: Melina
From: John Morrison
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Shannon Moore
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
To: Twitter
From: Shannon Moore
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
To: Shannon Moore
From: Reby Sky and Anna Hollenbeck
Subject: Matt Hardy
We talked him into tasing himself. (SIDEBAR: Matt talked Reby into taking a taser hit, and from what I've read, it's one of the reasons why he got suspended from TNA).
To: Twitter
From: Rob Van Dam
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
To: Anna Hollenbeck
From: Ryan Shamrock
Subject: Val Venis
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
To: Ryan Shamrock
From: Anna Hollenbeck
fuck. you.
To: Shannon Moore
From: Matt Hardy
Subject: Kimo
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
To: Evan Bourne
From: Randy Orton
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
To: Ted Dibiase
From: Cody Rhodes
Subject: Maryse
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
To: Beth Phoenix
From: Natalya
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
To: Edge
From: Christian
Subject: Practical Joke on Anna Hollenbeck
Anna passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
To: Anna Hollenbeck and CM Punk
From: Kimo:
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
To: Jerry Lawler
From: Michael Cole
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
To: Matt Hardy
From: Edge
Subject: Jeff Hardy
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
To: Melina
From: Mickie James
Subject: Taker and Michelle's Wedding
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
To: John Cena
From: Randy Orton
Subject: Evan Bourne
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
To: Rob Van Dam
From: Mr. Anderson
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
To: Kimo
From: Anna Hollenbeck
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" again
To: Christian
From: Edge
Subject: Sex with Jeff Hardy
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
To: Twitter
From: Shannon Moore
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
To: Cooper Lawson
From: Jeff Hardy
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
To: Twitter
From: Randy Orton
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
To: Twitter
From: Jeff Hardy
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
To: The Undertaker
From: James Lawson
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
To: Twitter
From: Matt Hardy
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
To: Trish Stratus
From: Chris Jericho
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
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