Hi, I'd like to thank you all for your reviews of the previous chapter. I really appreciated them and I hope some of you keep reviewing. Thank you.
Now here goes the chapter…
Chapter 2: From Russia With Love
Last time on Total Drama World Tour…
The contestants had a wacky adventure in the old, majestic land of Japan. There they had to answer questions about the wondrous life of yours truly in a kooky Japanese game show where wrong answers would be punished with bizarre tortures…and being dumped into a trash compactor.
After being dressed in funny costumes for some fanservice, the contestants had to fight a giant monster before he destroyed Tokyo. It was Team Amazon's ability to use their "assets" that guaranteed them victory and it was Harold's annoying habits of correcting me that cost Team Victory their victory; with Harold eventually going home.
Now, who will crack under the pressure and who will be frozen by the fear when they take on a new challenge in today's episode of Total…Drama...World toooouuuuur!
The Jumbo Jet soared across the sky and inside the contestants either suffered or rejoiced. The ones who rejoiced were the members of Team Amazon, who were in the first class cabin. Heather slept peacefully, while snoring considerably loudly; Gwen and Courtney relaxed in their seats while each read a book and Sierra gave a disturbing foot massage to a sleeping Cody. However, as soon as he woke up he complained to the girl about her actions.
"Sierra, what are you doing?" Cody asked, flabbergasted while pulling his foot away from her.
"Everybody loves a foot massage." Sierra countered plainly,
"Yeah, normally but…I don't like having my feet touched." Cody lied.
Sierra took his foot again and began to massage it.
"Did you know there's a pressure point between tarsal bones that can temporarily paralyze the whole body?" She asked in heavy rhetoric.
Before he could even answer, Sierra slammed her finger into Cody's foot and his entire body went limp.
In the economy class, pretty much like in every previous instance, the contestants were having a bad time. Both teams were on separate benches and were trying to do something to pass the time until they arrived to the next place where they would be submitted to the tortuous and almost illegal tasks of Chris McClean.
"I really enjoyed Japan." Owen said. "That sushi was excellent."
"That wasn't sushi Owen." Noah said. "It was just raw fish heads."
"Nah, I'm pretty sure this is sushi." Izzy said while pulling out a bucket of fish heads.
"I tell you, it's rotten fish heads." Noah said.
"You sure?" Izzy asked. "Try them."
Without giving him a chance to answer, the crazy girl poured the contents of the bucket on top of the bookworm, who remained perfectly deadpan while the fish guts dripped all over his body and clothes. He sighed.
"I'll go shower." He proclaimed before heading for the shower area.
"Well I'm sure that whatever Chris has planned for us can't be that bad." Bridgette said.
Then the entire crew of the economy class, sans Izzy, gasped and exclaimed.
"No!" They yelled.
"What?" Bridgette asked.
"Girl, you're never supposed to say that!" LeShawna yelled. "Whenever somebody says that things get real bad!"
Bridgette looked freaked.
"Yeah, even I know that and I'm not the shiniest fool in the bed." Lindsay said.
"Lindsay, I think the expression is 'not the sharpest tool in the shed'." DJ said.
"No DJ, that doesn't make sense." Lindsay said. "Tools aren't alive."
"She's right." Tyler said, backing up Lindsay.
"Thanks for supporting me, Taylor." Lindsay said.
Tyler then appeared downtrodden.
(Bathroom confessional)
Tyler – I don't understand why Lindsay still can't remember my name! We dated throughout the whole first season and I hung out with her like a million times after TDA was over. I'll have to do something very impressive to get her to remember me. Maybe if I manage to stick my leg behind my leg, that's pretty impressive. /He grabs his leg and tries to bend it over the back of his head but he slips and his head lands in the toilet, getting stuck/.
The plane suddenly gave a leap and both Tyler and Noah fell back into the economy class, Tyler with his head drenched in toilet water and Noah drenched in detergent and soap water.
"Well, I suppose detergent is as good as any shower." Noah said.
The contestants then noticed the plan began to descend until they finally landed. They were all considerably pleased that this time their landing assistance was not operated by a giant mechanical monster. However as soon as they stepped out of the plan door, all of them found a lack of a descent ladder and plummeted to the snow below.
Most of them landed alone without hurting each other, just themselves; however one contestant landed in a rather compromising position. Whether it was luck or maybe to him a curse, Noah happened to crash land on top of Bridgette's chest.
"Noah!" Bridgette yelled while pulling Noah away from her breasts.
The bookworm stood up, dusted himself off and helped Bridgette to her feet.
"I'm very sorry about that." Noah said in a perfectly calm voice that seemed unnatural to any teenage guy who had just had deep contact with female anatomy. "I didn't mean to be inappropriate in any way. I have a deep respect for women and their privacy. Despite your good nature and kindness I have no interest in you. I'm aware that you have a boyfriend, whose status as your significant other I respect and I want to make it clear that I have to intention of getting in between you two."
Noah then proceeded to walk off while a stunned Bridgette looked at him.
"I don't know why but I suddenly find Noah more attractive." Bridgette said to Courtney.
Meanwhile, Owen looked at this amazed.
"Wow! Noah really knows how to charm the ladies!" Owen said to his girlfriend, Izzy. "He must be a real ladies' man back home."
"I doubt it." Izzy said, doubtful. "He barely reacted at all at both Bridgette's and Lindsay's bosoms."
The redhead suddenly produced a bubble pipe and a Sherlock Holmes hat, which she put on.
"Watson, the evidence points to my theory that Noah is in fact totally gay." Izzy said while making her pipe bubble.
"Noah? No." Owen said. "He's all about the ladies."
"Well, in my duty as this show's supreme rainbow happy woman I bow to find out whether Noah is the pillow or the cushion!" Izzy proclaimed and then leaped into the air.
(Bathroom confessional)
Owen – I know that Noah is in touch with his girly side and that he's really neat but I don't think he's gay. /He appears doubtful for a second/. Though he did kiss Cody in season one, but that doesn't mean anything. Just because a guy likes other guys doesn't mean he's gay.
Izzy – If I want to discover whether Subject N is indeed a homosexual or not I will have to find out all I can about gay people! /She reaches under the bathroom counter and pulls out a picture of Justin Bieber, which she begins to examine/.
The contestants shivered deeply and groaned due to the cold. Then Chris McClean emerged from the pilot's cabin wearing a bulgy wool coat and an ushanka.
"Hello contestants." Chris proclaimed. "Welcome to the former home of communism and the current home of Vladurday…Russia!"
"Can we get some coats here?" Bridgette asked.
Chris glared at her for speaking out of turn but then smiled again.
"Sure, I ordered some for you." The host said.
The contestants sighed with relief.
"Though they won't be here for quite a few weeks." Chris finished with a mischievous grin, clearly displaying that he enjoyed the contestants' frustration.
They were all freezing cold, though the one most disturbed was Bridgette, since she lived in an edge of Canada where they rarely got cold weather and was absolutely unprepared for such temperatures. Another contestant noticed this and decided to take advantage of it.
"I'll warm you up, Bridgette." Alejandro said, holding arms open wide.
Bridgette immediately ran to his arms to hug him without thinking. He wrapped his arms around her and Bridgette swooned.
(Bathroom confessional)
Bridgette – Alejandro is a really nice guy, you know, for helping keep me warm. He's really considerate. He's almost as nice as my dear Alejandro…I mean Geoff! My dear boyfriend Alejandro…Geoff! My dear boyfriend Geoff! Goddamnit Bridge…you gotta keep it cool. Just relax and think of Geoff's nice tan skin and long, brown hair…blonde hair! Damn it!
"Any other questions?"
"What's communism?" Tyler asked.
"A sociopolitical ideology which in theory is supposed to create a utopic, stateless and classless society where the means of production are commonly owned, articles of consumption are of free access and there is no private property." Courtney explained. "However in practice it has only led to a society where the state runs the so-called "commonly owned means of production" and attempts to distribute profit equally regardless of a person's part in achieving said profit, which leads to mass laziness and the necessity of force to intimidate workers in working harder which eventually leads to a practically slave-like lifestyle for citizens of the communist society."
The rest of the cast looked at her bewildered.
"OK." Chris said. "Let's get to the challenges."
Chris clapped his hands and Chef Hatchet emerged from the cabin with a treasure chest. He opened it and pulled out three pieces of paper, which he handed to each team.
"Now, each team has just been given a clue." Chris explained. "This clue will lead to a place in Moscow, where you will find another clue. This clue will then lead you to a second place where yet another clue is hidden. This third clue will tell you the final location you must go to. There, me and Chef will be waiting. Whichever team makes it to the final location first wins the first challenge. Any more questions?"
"Where in Russia are we exactly?" Gwen asked.
"Five miles outside of Moscow." Chris answered. "Now get going!"
"The game is underway." Damian said proudly while looking at the monitors.
The three producers were in the control room of their private jet, which was parked in a separate runway in Domodedovo International Airport. Damian was looking triumphantly at the monitors that displayed the images of the contestants running through Moscow, being filmed by small robotic camera-copters. Carter was playing solitaire and Alberti was spying out the window with binoculars.
"Manuel, can you toss me a coke?" Damian asked.
"Can't. Patrolling." The Argentine producer answered.
"Goddamn it, Manny! Communism ended here in 1991. There's no communists out to get you here." Damian yelled.
"I wouldn't be so cocky, Hellburn!" Alberti replied. "They want me ever since I blew up the apartment the ERP leadership was in back in '76."
"For the last time, Manny. There are no commies here!" Damian yelled.
At that point the airplane door burst open and a man ran in holding a small pistol.
"Die capitalist pig!" He yelled.
As soon as he stepped into the control room, all three producers drew their guns and shot him simultaneously, killing him.
"OK, one commie. He was probably the last one." Damian said. "Though let's just have our AK's ready just in case."
Alberti and Carter nodded.
"OK Team, what does our clue say?" Alejandro asked.
"It says 'To find the place where you'll next be led, find the place where the Red King lies dead'." Owen said.
Alejandro and Noah looked at each other knowingly.
"It's obvious where we have to go." They said.
"To Brett Favre's tomb?" Tyler asked.
"What? No." Noah said. "What led you to that conclusion?"
"Well, Favre was played for the Washington Redskins and he was the QB, which makes him the king of the team." Tyler explained.
"Favre never played for the Redskins." Alejandro said. "Nor is he dead."
Tyler gulped and looked embarrassed.
(Bathroom confessional)
Tyler – OK, so I might have some holes in my sports knowledge but I am still a great sports player. I kick butt in both team and single sports, especially tennis. I am wicked with the…the…the…How do you call those weird frying pan-looking thingies you use to hit the ball with in tennis?
"Read the clue, Gwen." Courtney said.
Gwen opened up the paper scroll and began to read it out loud.
"'If victory is what you want to achieve, find the secret home of the secret police'." Gwen said.
"What does that mean?" Cody asked.
"The Lubyanka, KGB Headquarters." Courtney and Gwen said in unison.
The two girls looked at each other with an impressed look.
"Well, you know your Russian culture, Gwen. I'm impressed." Courtney said.
"Thanks Courtney." Gwen replied.
"Enough with the friendship crap." Heather said. "Let's go!"
"Yeah, What are we waiting for?" Sierra exclaimed. "Let's go, Cody!"
The blogger girl grabbed Cody, hoisted him over her shoulder and then ran, followed suit by Heather, Gwen and Courtney.
(Bathroom confessional)
Courtney – I'm surprised Gwen knew that. I never took her as the smart type. Maybe I underestimated her.
Gwen – I'm surprised Courtney actually complimented me. She hasn't really been good to me since the whole Duncan thing last season. Maybe I was too quick to call her a bit/bleep/. I mean, if I had been her I would have been a little jealous too. After all Duncan doesn't seem all that loyal, despite his sweetness and awesome hot looks and.../Her eyes burst wide open upon realizing what she just said/ OK, erase that! I did not say that! I did not! It was a mistake!
"Man, I really wish Harold was here." LeShawna said, while looking at the clue. "My sweet stringbean knew all kindsa things 'bout weird eastern cultures."
"'To find the heart of the Bolshoi, theatrics you must employ'." DJ re-read the clue out loud.
"I have no idea about what it means." Bridgette said.
"It makes my head go owie." Lindsay proclaimed.
Team CIRRRRH walked into the Lenin Mausoleum, the place they had deduced the clue was leading them to, which was almost entirely empty.
"This place is usually crawling with people." Alejandro said. "Chris must have cleared this place for the challenge."
"Where's the clue?" Owen asked.
"There!" Tyler yelled.
The no-good-jock pointed towards the center of the mausoleum, where Lenin's body rested in a glass case. Inside the case and on Lenin's hand was another scroll, identical to the one Chris had given them.
"Awesome!" Tyler exclaimed. "Now let's just go get it."
Noah grabbed Tyler by the sweatsuit collar.
"I wouldn't do that if I was you." Noah said.
"Why not?"
"Because Lenin's body is heavily guarded." Noah answered.
"How guarded?" Owen asked.
"The last guy who accidentally made a smudge on the glass case by breathing on it got shot in the throat and had to be hospitalized for three months." Noah replied.
"Are you sure there's guards now?" Tyler asked.
Alejandro proceeded to point upwards. Tyler looked and managed to spot four snipers on guard balconies, aiming their rifles at the casket, ready to fire if somebody touched it.
"We need a plan on how to get that clue." Alejandro said.
Everybody on the team began to think, sans Izzy, who approached Noah.
"Hey Noah, can I ask you a couple of questions?" Izzy asked.
"Not now, Izzy, I'm trying to figure out how to win this." Noah said.
"It'll only take a sec."
"No."
"Pretty please…"
"No."
"Pleeeeeeaaaaaseeeee?"
"After we get the clue." Noah replied.
"OK."
After uttering that simple word, Izzy pounced into the air towards one of the snipers. She wrapped her legs around his neck and defying all laws of physics she used the sheer strength of her legs to fling the guard backwards against another guard, knocking them both out.
The other two guards attempted to shoot her but she leaped into the air and, once again, violated the laws of physics by running upside-down on the roof until the jumped behind the third of the snipers. She then butterfly kicked him in the back of the head, throwing him off his guard balcony.
She then leaped into the air, dodging many shots from the final sniper until she finally landed behind him. She bent over backwards and grabbed the guard by his head, after which she proceeded to hoist him up and slam him against the wall she was facing before shoving him backwards off the balcony.
The redhead leaped off the balcony and landed on top of Lenin's glass casket. She pulled it open and extracted the clue note scroll, which she tossed to Alejandro.
"Now Noah. Do you like showtunes?" Izzy asked.
"Yes…" Noah replied, hesitant.
"Do you know what brand these sandals are?" She asked.
"No…"
"Do you like the color pink?"
"Yes…"
"Finally, the work of Justin Timberlake?"
"No…"
"Huh…Interesting." Izzy proclaimed.
"Come on, let's get going!" Tyler yelled.
Team CIRRRRH turned around and ran out of the mausoleum, all of them minus Izzy.
(Bathroom confessional)
Izzy – Izzy's search to identify whether Noah bats for another team has been fruitless so far. The subject in question displays clearly gay tendencies in liking showtunes and the color pink yet he behaves very heterosexually in not knowing clothes brands and Justin Timberlake, which are like the gayest things ever!
After her brief musing Izzy decided to follow her team, however when she looked at Lenin's corpse she got a devious idea.
Team Amazon walked in through the front door of the Lubyanka and looked around.
"Where could Chris have hidden that clue?" Heather asked herself while tapping her chin.
"Girls, look!" Cody proclaimed and pointed at a Russian federal agent holding a briefcase with the Total Drama logo stamped on it.
Team Amazon approached the man.
"Hello sir, could you please give us that case?" Courtney asked.
"No."
"No? What do you mean by 'no'?"
"If you want the briefcase you have to say the password." The man replied.
"Fine…Communist?" Courtney asked.
"No."
"Motherland?" Courtney asked.
"No."
"KGB?" Gwen asked.
"No."
"Russia?" Heather asked.
"No."
"Death to capitalism?" Cody asked.
"No."
"Long live communism?" Sierra asked.
"No."
The producers opened fire on the guerrilla attacker as soon as he entered the room. After he was shot, the man collapsed on top of the pile of corpses in front of him.
"OK, so there were twelve communists left here." Damian said. "I doubt there can be any more than that."
"Die imperialist fools!" A communist guerrilla soldier screamed as he stepped into the room before being in the face by Manuel.
"Thirteen commies…That has to be it." Damian said.
"Lenin rules?" Cody asked.
"No."
"That's it!" Heather yelled.
The black-haired girl prepared to pounce on the federal agent but was stopped by his teammates.
"Let's just kick his ass and get the case!" Heather yelled.
"We can't, we have to figure out the password." Sierra said.
"You did it! Have the case." The agent said, giving it to Gwen.
"Why?"
"You figured out the password." The agent said.
"The password was 'password?" Courtney asked enraged. "But we said the word 'password' before!"
"No, the password was not 'password'; it was 'the password." The agent explained. "The password was 'the password'."
Courtney immediately launched a karate chop forward and struck the federal agent with the 'Lin Slice', stunning him.
Team Amazon looked at this stunned.
"I recommend we get out of here before more agents show up." Courtney said.
"Yeah."
Team CIRRRRH ran across the streets of Moscow, having figured out that their next clue was at the statue of the Monument to Alexander II due to the clue that read "The next clue to victory is in the hands of most monumental tsar in history".
Team Victory ran across the streets of Moscow to try and find one of the other teams and try to follow them to the final meeting point since they had no idea what their clue meant.
Both teams happened to run into each other while roaming the streets and by run into each other, we mean it literally. Noah bumped into DJ, Owen into LeShawna, Tyler into Lindsay and Alejandro into Bridgette. Izzy, who was now wearing a large backpack, did not hit anybody.
"I'm sorry, señorita." Alejandro said, smiling and helping Bridgette up.
"No worries." The blonde surfer answered while blushing.
"We don't have time for your adulterous intentions." Noah said to the Spaniard and the surfer. "We have to go."
"Hey!" Someone screamed.
The teenagers turned to look to the direction the scream came from and saw a dozen armed police officers.
"Those are the kids that stole Lenin's body!" One of the guards yelled.
"No we didn't." Tyler said.
Then an arm slipped out of Izzy's backpack, much to the astonishment and annoyance of her fellow teammates.
"What?" Izzy said. "I made him into a funny puppet."
Izzy reached into her bag and pulled out Lenin's corpse, which now had a marionette frame and strings attached to it.
"See?"
She lowered it and began to perform with it, making it dance.
"Hello my baby; hello my darling; hello my night time gal." Izzy sang while making the Lenin corpse puppet dance.
"Kill them!" One of the officers screamed.
The Russian police officers raised their Tec-9 submachine guns and opened fire. The teenagers ran away from the cops, avoiding getting shot by mere centimeters as well as leaving behind Lenin's corpse/puppet.
"I HATE THIS PLACE! Noah screamed.
Two contestants in particular ran off together by accident and they stopped to catch their breaths when they figured they were far away enough.
"That was close." Bridgette said.
"Yes. Are you alright, Bridgette?" Alejandro asked, feigning concern.
"Yeah, luckily." She said.
"It would have been very sad if you had gotten hurt. A girl as lovely and kind as you is probably the last person in the world who deserved to die in the hands of angry Russians." The Spaniard said.
"Oh…" Bridgette whimpered while blushing.
Alejandro closed his eyes, puckered up and leaned into her and Bridgette, caught in the heat of the moment did so as well. However, when she was close to his lips Alejandro moved and let her fall forwards. Unwittingly, Bridgette wound up kissing a statue of Gorbachev and her tongue got stuck to the former Russian Premier's statue's bald head.
Having secured his trap, Alejandro wordlessly left the scene.
"Oh crap." Bridgette muttered, her words slurred because of her frozen tongue.
Team Amazon retrieved their clue from the hand of a statue of Yuri Andropov and read it out loud.
"'Your victory is almost secure, go to the holiest place on Red Square to make it sure'." Sierra read out loud.
"St. Basil's Cathedral!" Courtney and Gwen exclaimed in unison.
The two girls high-fived each other.
"Alright besties, let's go!" Heather ordered Gwen and Courtney.
"Hey! Those are the girls who attacked me!" The federal agent yelled.
The girls and Cody turned to see the federal agent whom Courtney had assaulted accompanied by five armed guards.
"Kill them!" They yelled.
The guards raised their guns and opened fire while the girls ran helter skelter to try and escape. The team dispersed with each member heading to a different direction. As Courtney ran off, she happened to stumble upon another contestant in a rather complicated situation of her own.
"Bridgette?" Courtney asked.
"Hey Court." Bridgette said in a slurred voice.
Courtney looked at her friend, confused as to why her tongue was stuck to the bald head of a statue of Mikhail Gorbachev. The picture was even more disturbing because her tongue happened to be adhered to the patch of Gorbachev's head where his infamous red spot birthmark was located.
"Bridge, did you try to french a statue of Gorbachev?" Courtney asked.
"No!"
"You know that the birthmark on the statue is fake, right?" Courtney asked.
"Court please, you 'ave tho 'elp me." Bridgette pleaded. "Please go 'ind thome varm vater to get me off thith thing."
Courtney looked at her friend and began to contemplate her possibilities.
(Bathroom confessional)
Courtney – When I saw Bridgette stuck to the statue I really had a problem making up my mind. I could either help my very best friend and delay myself, possibly costing me victory or leave her behind to rot, increasing my chances of winning. In the past I probably wouldn't have helped Bridgette, but after befriending her and dating Duncan they kind of made me grow a conscience and a sense of loyalty to my friends. Damn them!
"OK Bridgette, don't worry. I'll go look for some water. I'll be back in a minute." Courtney said.
"Cool, don't thake thoo long please." Bridgette pleaded through slurred words. "Tis 'thatue fweaks me out!"
All members of Team Amazon, sans Courtney; all members of Team CIRRRH and all members of Team Victory, sans Bridgette, stormed into St. Basil's Cathedral, fleeing from the armed Russian Police Officers.
"You made it!" Chris exclaimed.
"Yeah." They all replied, hyperventilating..
"We all made it." DJ said.
"I won't even ask why you guys are so edgy since I'll probably find out later from the recordings, but I have to point out that you didn't all make it." Chris said.
"What?" Heather asked.
"Who's missing?" LeShawna asked.
"Bridgette and Courtney aren't here." Chris said. "If they don't get here soon, Team I'm The Most Awesomely Hot Person In The Universe will win."
"Damn!"
(Bathroom confessional)
Heather – That dumb idiot! She's always yakking about victory and now she doesn't show up! I am going to kill her!
Minutes later, Courtney burst in through the door.
"Where the hell were you?" Heather yelled. "You cost us first place!"
"Yeah Courtney." Gwen said. "Where were you?"
"I'm sorry." Courtney said. "I was helping Bridgette. Her tongue got stuck to a statue of Gorbachev and I was trying to help her get free by getting her some warm water."
"Did you?" Cody asked.
"Well I didn't find any water, but I did help her get free." Courtney said.
"How?"
The question was answered pretty swiftly when Bridgette entered the cathedral holding the severed head of the Gorbachev statue, which was still stuck to her tongue.
"Hwey gwuys." Bridgette said in a slurred voice.
"How did you chop off the statue's head?" Cody asked in a scared voice.
"I have pretty strong thighs." Courtney explained. "These legs could cut through titanium."
"That explains why Duncan was limping last week." Gwen muttered.
"Can vwun of you gwuys phelp me?" Bridgette asked.
"I'll handle this." Chris said.
The host pulled out a thermos from inside his coat and twisted off the cap. He then splashed the contents of the thermos on Bridgette's face, which turned out to be searing hot coffee. Bridgette screamed loudly in pain as the coffee irritated her face, yet managed to accomplish its purpose since the statue head detached from her tongue.
"Ow!" Bridgette yelled. "That hurt!"
"Duh…" Chris replied and walked away.
"How did you get stuck to that in the first place?" Gwen asked.
Bridgette turned to Alejandro, who was looking away and acting innocently.
"It was thanks to Alejandro!" Bridgette accused. "He tricked me. I got stuck because he leaned in to kiss me and then dodged when I was going to kiss him back!"
"Bridgette, aren't you datin' Geoff?" DJ asked, rhetorically.
At that point Bridgette's face went blank.
"Well yes…but Alejandro was really charming and well…being away from Geoff kinda let me on a weak spot but…anyway yes, I got tempted and fell for his charm but he tricked me and now I know he's no good!" Bridgette yelled.
Alejandro coughed and then played innocent, putting on his most hurt fake look possible.
"Bridgette, you misunderstand. I did mean to kiss you, but I saw one of the Russian officers nearby and had to run." Alejandro said. "I didn't mean to leave you behind but I had no choice. Please believe me."
"Really?" Bridgette asked, listening closely but skeptically.
"I do. I'm sorry."
"Baby girl you gotta believe him." LeShawna said. "Look at his face. He meant no harm."
Alejandro put on his most charming smile.
"Fine." Bridgette said.
Alejandro's smiled turned a little devious.
(Bathroom confessional)
Bridgette – I'll give Alejandro the benefit of the doubt, but I still don't fully trust him.
"Alright contestants." Chris said. "Let's start part two of the challenge."
"What is part two?" Tyler asked.
"You guys will be ice sculpting!" Chris announced. "But not just any kind of ice sculptures…it'll be sculptures of famous commie figures."
"Why do you keep associating Russia with communism?" Noah asked. "Ever since the fall of the Soviet Union Russia has been one of the most staunchly capitalist countries of the world and it ahs progressed significantly thanks to it. Sure Vladimir Putin's authoritarian way of government and control of industry is descendant from a socialist form of government but the country's attitude and political model is entirely capitalist these days. Not only that it…"
Chris threw a chunk of ice at Noah, knocking him down.
"Anybody object to that?" Chris asked.
Everybody shook their heads.
"Good." Chris said, smiling. "Now, Team CIRRRRH, since you made it here first you will get the easiest sculpture…Nikita Khrushchev."
Chris pulled out a picture of the former Russian premier and handed it to Alejandro.
"He was bald and few distinctive physical features." Chris said.
He then turned to Team Amazon.
"Team Amazon, since you made it second you guys get the second toughest…Joseph Stalin." Chris announced.
Chris gave Heather a picture of the infamous dictator.
"He's tough because of his weird hair crop and swanky mustache." Chris said.
Finally he turned to Team Victory.
"Now, since Bridgette came in last you guys get the hardest one." Chris explained.
The whole team turned to look angrily at Bridgette, who replied with an apologetic look and a shameful blush.
Chris reached into his pocket and then extracted a picture, which he gave to LeShawna. The picture turned out to be one of Karl Marx.
"You get Karl Marx, the father of modern socialism and a tough guy to sculpt due to his weird hair, mustache and huge beard." Chris explained. "Now let's all go outside and start making ourselves some ice sculptures!"
The cast followed Chris outside, though while walking a particular girl approached a certain guy.
"I know you played innocent just there." Heather said. "But I am not as gullible as all the jerks around here. I know you purposely tried to leave Bridgette behind to turn her team against her, you conniving jerk."
"Why Heather, I do not know what you mean." Alejandro acted. "And if I did, you'd have no proof of that and nobody would believe you due to your bad reputation."
The Spaniard strutted forward, leaving behind an annoyed girl.
(Bathroom confessional)
Heather – That hot guy is getting on my nerves! /Yells/.
"Alright teams, to get the sculpting underway here's a little boost." Chris said.
Then the infamous bell chime rang and the contestants groaned.
"Siiiiiing!" Chris announced in an appropriate sing-song voice.
Music which sounded like a mixture of Russian polka, pop and cabaret vaudeville piano began to sound in an odd yet clear rhythm that the contestants somehow managed to easily get used to despite its oddness.
Noah started the song while he began to pick the ice.
"This crazy country
Is giving me the creeps and I want to flee
I want to get out but I can't
No matter how much I rant."
Heather proceeded, ranting at her team while they began to give their block of ice shape.
"Come on you jerks
We won't achieve anything if you don't work
You better pick up your pace
If you want to win first place."
The melody changed slightly as Gwen began to sing.
"You know you could be of use
You don't get to stand around and be a muse
So you better get up and start to work
Put yourself to some use and do it now, now, now now now!"
As a chunk of ice fell off the Team CIRRRRH block and hit Noah in the head the bookworm sang again in the song's chorus.
"That's enough; I've had it with this country!
These Russians have really crossed the line
Yes that's enough; I've had it with this country!
It's so cold the temperature could freeze time
Quite so I've had enough; I am done with this country!"
Alejandro continued carving the giant block of ice while he sang, returning to the original melody.
"Keep carving
We're so close, almost to the win
Just keep your arms strong
And it won't be very long."
While carving her own team's block, Bridgette looked at Alejandro with doubtful eyes as she sang her part of the song.
"I don't trust him
He seems OK but chances aren't slim
That he's really a rat
And I won't fall for that."
LeShawna turned to Bridgette and sang to her.
"Bridge girl, he's not so bad
It was just an accident, don't be so mad
Give him a little bit of time
And then you'll find out that he is really nice, nice, nice nice nice!"
Izzy slammed an ice-pick into the block but it bounced back and struck the roof of the cathedral, causing a lot of snow to roll down and land on Noah, who repeated the very frustrated chorus.
"That's enough; I've had it with this country!
These Russians have really crossed the line
Yes that's enough; I've had it with this country!
It's so cold the temperature could freeze time
Quite so I've had enough; I am done with this country!"
Izzy leaped from her team's ice block to the cathedral roof, slipping and causing a whole lotta snow to fall on the rest of the cast, who the joined Noah into repeating the chorus.
"That's enough; we've had it with this country!
This weather here is absolutely insane!
Yes that's enough; we've had it with this country!
Why we hate it we really can't explain
Quite so we've had enough; we are done with this country!"
Another communist went down, gunned down by the producers.
"Fifty-four communists!" Damian proclaimed. "I will stop talking now."
In a little while, the contestants finished with their ice sculptures, which were the covered in sheets while Chris prepared to inspect them.
At the Team CIRRRRH area, Izzy looked at Noah intently.
(Bathroom confessional)
Izzy – Recollecting information for a deduction hasn't worked, so super secret agent Izzy will have to discover whether the target is fruitier than a Piña Colada by applying some practical methods.
Izzy approached Noah from behind and whispered in his ear.
"Hey Noah."
Noah jumped, scared and turned to look at Izzy. He disguised his fear and spoke in his usual monotone.
"What do you want?"
"Do you wanna kiss me?" She asked.
"What? No."
"Why not?"
"You're my best friends' girlfriend." Noah replied in a condescending tone, pointing out that his motive was obvious.
"OK then."
(Bathroom confessional)
Izzy – The target used sneaky yet reasonable excuses to avoid lip-to-lip investigation so super mega ultra agent Izzy had to use more "sneaky" tactics.
The crazy girl grabbed a small icy stalactite and stuck it to her tongue. She then poked Noah in the back and then when he turned around she grabbed his tongue and stuck it to the other end of the stalactite.
"If you want to get free you'll have to kiss me so we can melt the stalactite with our saliva." Izzy said.
"Are you crazy?"
"Duh." Izzy replied. "Now pucker up."
The crazy girl grabbed Noah by the cheeks and then kissed him, making sure that the stalactite was in between their mouths. She made sure to use tongue to both melt the stalactite and entice Noah, however she didn't receive any reply from the kid, who didn't kiss back in the least bit.
When the stalactite was molten, he pulled away and slowly backed away from her while the redhead thought.
(Bathroom confessional)
Noah – That girl terrifies me.
Izzy – The target resisted to the smoochy-smoch test so no proper results could be achieved. Yet mega ultra hyper super-dooper goody-goody secret agent Izzy came up with a plan that would undoubtedly determine whether Noah liked to drive his car through caves or if he was a tunnel expecting the train to come in.
Chris approached the ice sculptures and prepared to judge them. First he made it to Team Victory's. He reached for the black sheet that covered the statue and upon pulling it off revealed a sloppy, half-made statue of the head of Karl Marx.
"Yeah there's a few problems with this statue." Chris said.
"Like what?" LeShawna asked.
"It sucks."
Immediately after Chris said that, the statue collapsed.
"Correction…it sucked." He added before moving on to Team Amazon.
Heather grabbed the black sheet and proudly pulled it down, revealing a very well carved full-body statue of Stalin, with very well depicted facial details.
"And my brother said that sculpting classes were useless." Gwen stated proudly.
"Pretty good." Chris declared before moving on to Team CIRRRRH.
"Prepare yourself." Alejandro proclaimed before pulling off the sheet.
When the sheet slid off, it revealed a giant, three meter high statue of Chris himself. The statue itself had a smaller statue resting on its palm.
"Wow! This is absolutely incredible!" Chris exclaimed. "You guys win!"
"What?" Every contestant outside Team CIRRRRH protested.
"They didn't even make a statue of Nikita Krunch…Nikita Kursch…Of that Russian guy!" Heather yelled.
"I do believe we did." Alejandro said. "Look."
Alejandro then pointed at the smaller statue resting on Chris' statue's hand. Upon closer inspection they all saw it was a small but decent-looking statue of the former Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev.
"That's enough for me!" Chris proclaimed. "Team I'm Ultra Uber Super Mega Hot wins! You guys get to be in first class today!"
Chris then turned to Team Victory.
"Team Victory, since your statue irrevocably sucked, you guys are on the chopping block tonight…for the third time in a row!" Chris announced, cheerfully. "Man do you guys suck! Now let's all get going to…"
Suddenly fifteen Russian police officers holding Heckler & Koch MP5 submachine guns surrounded the entire cast.
"Those are them!" One of the officers yelled. "Those are the children who stole Lenin's body, attacked that federal agent and decapitated that statue of Gorbachev."
"Plus that one is a drug dealer!" One of them exclaimed while pointing at DJ.
"On what grounds do y'all make that accusation!" DJ exclaimed angrily.
"On the grounds of the color of your skin, blackie." One of the officers replied before knocking out DJ with the butt of his gun.
"Let's take them in!" One of the guards exclaimed.
The guards raised their weapons and began to escort the contestants away from the scene and towards the Kremlin.
"Hey Damian, some Russian officials just took Chris and the contestants into custody." Alberti said while looking at the monitors.
"Really?" Hellburn asked after shooting another guerrilla soldier in the face.
Carter nodded.
"Crap, that's it. Let's get out of this goddamn place! Let them fend for themselves!" Damian yelled as he ran to the cockpit.
Carter followed him and sat at the co-pilot seat while they began to take-off. Manuel stood at the door of the plane and managed to see that a blockade had been formed at the end of the runway with ladder-cars.
"If those mutherf/bleep/ers didn't get me in the Missionary jungle back in '74, they sure as hell aren't getting me now!" He yelled.
Manuel ran back into the jet and reached under a seat, extracting a rocket launcher. He went back to the jet's door and after briefly taking aim he fired the rocket, which hit the blockade and blew it to pieces, along with the men near it.
As the plane began to lift off the ground, Manny began to shoot at several people who had been approaching their jet when they took off with his AK. When they had gained enough height he closed the door and retreated back into the plane.
"We showed those dirty, rotten communists, didn't we?" He yelled.
"Manny, I think those last people you were just shooting at were just airport workers." Damian told him.
"Whatever."
The Russian officers pushed the entire cast into a large study, which had several bookcases in it and at the end a large desk with a wheeled chair behind it. There were two armed guards standing on either side of the desk.
"Here are those teenagers who were committing all those crimes, Mr. Prime Minister." One of the guards said in a thick Russian accent.
The chair was spun round and sitting on it was Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.
"Thank you, Sergei." Putin said in a thick Russian accent. "I'll handle them."
The officers left, leaving the contestants and Chris with Putin and his guards.
"Mr. McClean, when your bosses requested permission to film in my city we allowed it because we were promised it would not disrupt daily life of citizens of Moscow and it would not break laws. Yet those officers told me your children have assaulted a federal agent, desecrated a national monument and stolen a very important corpse." Putin said. "You may not like Lenin, but we do for some reason. Seriously I do not comprehend why we still keep that body since we are no longer communists, but we do so we do not like it when people steal it."
"Mr. Putin, you don't have to worry about these children." Chris said, very nervous. "We were going to leave before your officers arrested us."
"I am afraid I cannot let you leave right now." Putin said.
"What are you gonna do?" DJ asked, fearful.
"You will face maximum punishment in Russian law that can be given to foreigners..." Putin proclaimed. "…You will have to fight one hundred rabid bears in unicycles."
"Wait, will we have to be fighting bears riding unicycles or will we have to ride unicycles while we fight the bears?" Owen asked.
"That doesn't matter." Courtney proclaimed. "That punishment is absurd, there is no way it's in your national law."
"Oh yes?" Putin said sardonically before tossing Courtney a book.
Courtney looked at the cover which read "Russian Laws & Statutes".
"Page 164, paragraph three." Putin stated.
Courtney opened the book up to that point and read.
"He's right. It's there." Courtney said. "Which makes me say that this country is very absurd."
"Hey, Lenin himself wrote that and he was an intellectual." Putin proclaimed. "Sure he was kind of crazy but he was still a genius."
The Russian Prime Minister turned to his guards.
"Guards, take them to the bear cage." Putin ordered.
The guards began to approach the contestants but before they could reach them the door to the office was opened and Chef Hatchet stormed in.
"Yo Chris, what's takin' you so damn long?" He yelled.
Chef saw the scenario that was going on and happened to spot Vladimir Putin.
"Oh my God…Vladdy-boy!" Chef exclaimed.
"Vot der'mo…" Putin swore.
"You know this guy?" Chris asked.
"Sure, I met him in '78 during a secret military operation in which the CIA and the KGB worked together to screw the Chinese government." Chef explained. "…And I think I just said too much. Though yeah, I know Vladdy."
Chef Hatchet approached Putin and stood next to him.
"We gotta catch up, man." Chef said. "Tell me, do you still sleep with that stuffed polar bear of yours, Vovy."
"Chef, shut up." Vladimir growled
"Oh man, are you angry?" Chef asked. "Don't tell me somebody stole your sandwich again 'cause I don't think I could endure another one of your sandwich tantrums."
"OK Chef, here is a deal…if you stop talking about embarrassing details of my past I will let you, your friend the narcissistic host and those rotten children leave without charges." Putin proposed.
"Fine." Chef said. "I'll call you some time."
Chef walked towards the door.
"Let's go, I'm getting' sick of this damn cold weather!" Chef yelled. "It's fu/bleep/ing freezin' up in here!"
The cast made it to the Total Drama Jumbo Jet by nightfall.
"Well everybody, we were originally going to have an elimination ceremony for Team Victory, but now I'm tired and I'm sleepy so we'll just have the elimination some other time." Chris said.
"What?" Heather complained. "Just because some dumb Russian held us back they don't get busted down for losing?"
"Pretty much." Chris said, while walking into his room.
"Damn!" Heather yelled while storming to the economy section.
(Bathroom confessional)
Alejandro – ¡Mi/bleep/a! With Bridgette still in the game I have somebody else to worry about. Luckily I tricked her into thinking I'm not bad, but she still is suspicious of me. /He ponders for a second/ I will have to turn on my charm and good-looks even higher…if it's possible to do so.
Late at night, all the cast was asleep. In the first class section Noah was lying asleep comfortably on one of the luxury seats when he was awoken by a pebble hitting him on the forehead. Upon waking up he looked down at his lap and saw a small piece of paper that read: "Come to the shower area".
His natural curiosity led him to get up and head over to the shower area. There he found the person who had left him the note.
"Hey Noah!" Izzy exclaimed.
The crazy redhead was standing in the middle of the shower area, wearing bathrobe.
"What do you want, Izzy?" Noah asked.
"I just wanted to show you something." She said.
"What?"
"This…"
The redhead undid her robe and let it fall, displaying her naked figure to Noah. The bookworm's eyes grew as big as saucers and as a little blood ran down his nose he fell backward and passed out.
"Well, he's definitely straight." Izzy said.
She looked at the unconscious Noah and smiled deviously.
"Well, since he's straight and unconscious I might as well have some fun!" She exclaimed.
Izzy picked up Noah and carried him away while nuzzling his unconscious head against her breasts.
(Bathroom confessional)
Izzy - /Wearing her bathrobe/ Man, that Noah sure is straight. Unconscious he's the best lay I've ever had. I wonder how he is awake. I certainly loved it and I'm sure he really loved it.
Noah – /Scared/ I woke up at three in the morning in the cargo hold area in my underwear and covered in sweat, scratches and bruises. I really don't know what happened but I think I was mauled by some kind of wild animal. It was horrible.
The camera zoomed out of the confessional to reveal it was filmed viewed from a monitor in Chris McClean's bedroom. The host was lying in bed in his pajamas.
"Maybe not a wild animal, but certainly something wild. A wild psychopathic redhead." Chris said. "Tune in next week to find out who else hooks-up, who else gets back-stabbed and who else goes crazy on Total…Drama…World Toooouuuuur!
Thanks for reading.
I ask you once again to review since my aim is to try and get at least five reviews per chapter on this story.
Gracias Totales,
Mr. Panama Red.