She hasn't slept in about 3 days.
The vacation was perfect. Well perfect in the sense that it only really validated what's she been feeling for the last 4 months.
"Hey San…"
The brunette looks away from the sunset in front of her and notices Brittany leaning against the sliding doors leading to the balcony. It's their last night in Hawaii and it's been amazing and perfect and everything she's wanted since she realized she was in love with her best friend at 14 years old and for some reason, something still felt like it was missing. She doesn't wanna use the word wrong, per se, but it definitely doesn't feel completely right either.
"Hey Britts." She flashes the blonde a small smile and gestures for her to come closer. To her surprise, Brittany doesn't wrap her arms around her waist like she's used to but leans against the balcony herself, her arms folded across her chest.
Santana's eyes doesn't leave her girlfriend and when she realizes Brittany isn't going to say anything, her eyes gaze back onto the view in front of her and she lets out a small sigh.
"We should probably get ready for dinner, huh?" Santana mutters softly. She suddenly feels the other girl's eyes on her so she turns her head and Brittany has this sad smile that kind of breaks Santana's heart. "B, what's the matter?" she asks, her hand on her girl's arm.
"Something's missing." The taller girl says quietly.
Santana furrows her eyebrows, "What is it? What are you missing?"
Brittany shakes her head and takes Santana's hand, leading her to the bench by the door.
"Something's missing with you." She mutters softly, and when Santana's small frown doesn't leave her face, Brittany breathes in deeply and intertwines their fingers together.
"Brittany, what are you talking about?"
"You've been thinking about someone else." The blonde isn't looking at Santana anymore, but down at her lap instead.
Santana reacts quickly and moves closer towards Brittany, her arm wrapping around the other girl, "What? I told you, I broke it off with Dani. I haven't even thought about her at all during this entire trip!"
Brittany looks back up at her girlfriend and gives her another sad smile, "Not Dani, San. There's only one other person you've been texting during this trip."
"Berry?" Santana says confusingly, "Britt, I've just been checking in on her because of the play. That's nothing."
"San, even when you're not texting her, she somehow still comes up in all of our conversations." Brittany says with a small laugh, "And you check your phone every ten minutes whenever you're not texting her to see if she will be again." Santana pulls away softly, her eyes not leaving Brittany's and…seriously? Is that what she's been doing?
"Santana, it's okay." Brittany continues, taking Santana's hand in hers again, "I kind of already figured—
"No, Britt!" The brunette shakes her head, and she can hear this laugh coming from her own throat that's…what is that? Nervousness? "Brittany, I don't feel that way about Rachel! I mean, come on! Rachel Berry?"
"Look, you were living with her for like, what? Five months? And you got to know her, and I think that's where all that fighting and anger and stuff was coming from. It's the same thing you did with me and Artie…reflecting, or something, right?"
Santana flinches at the memory and shakes her head, "You mean, deflecting. And no, Brittany, that's not the same thing. She's not you."
Brittany gives her that smile that Santana fell in love with in the first place, but she does feel something different, but no, it can't be because of another girl, and certainly not because of Rachel Berry.
"Maybe that's why." Santana can't seem to find the logic in that reply, but she lets Brittany go on anyway, "We were best friends. You were my person and I was yours, and then I disappointed you so many times with Artie, and Sam, and then letting you go and it's only natural that you find another person. Rachel became yours. And I mean, really, I'm glad that it's Rachel…like yes, she talks a lot which sometimes makes me confused at what she's actually saying and she can be loud and super self-involved but I think that's what made you become the kick ass star that you've always wanted to be. She pushed you to be as big as you're supposed to be, Santana."
The brunette lets those words sink in for a second and she takes a deep breath and pulls the other girl into her embrace, "Brittany…"
"I love you, Santana. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone in this world," She whispers into Santana's hair before pulling away slowly, just enough to look at the brunette's face again, "I told you that before, remember? And I meant it…and I still do. So because of that, I have to let you go."
Santana honestly doesn't remember how she got to this point. Brittany was right, like she usually is in her own weird and amazing way. She just wishes it didn't turn out like this.
She hops out of the cab in front of the all too familiar beat up building and Santana takes a deep breath. She's almost thankful that there was a substantial reason for her being here and not just to declare to Rachel Berry that she may or may not be in love with her.
Sure, she's still technically the understudy. The only reason they let her take the last 4 weeks off is because it's only really been rehearsals for opening night and there was absolutely no way the real "star" (Yes, she means Rachel and she'll deny saying that if anyone were to ever find out) would never miss opening night anyway.
Until she gets a frantic voicemail message from Kurt claiming it's a 911 and she needs to get back to New York ASAP.
"Alright where is she?" Santana asks calmly as she walks through the loft door.
"In there." Kurt mutters, stress and panic still very evident in his voice as he gestures towards Rachel's curtain.
"She hasn't come out since like yesterday afternoon, we don't even know how's she's going to the bathroom…anyway she's supposed to be at the theatre in like an hour." Tina says, running her hand through her hair.
Most of the ol' glee crew is here...the ones who could make it anyway. She should be saying her hellos more warmly but there are more important and pressing issues to deal with.
Like their so called star getting cold feet on her opening night. The other discussion can wait.
Santana shrugs her coat off and straightens her dress down. "Give me four minutes."
Rachel can hear her friends muttering to themselves just a few feet from her space and she closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths, trying to come up with something-anything- to get out of performing tonight.
She hears a shuffle from her curtain and peeks from under her covers to see Santana, arms folded across her chest and obviously waiting for her acknowledgement.
"Opening night is yours, San." She says lowly, "I'm not going."
She hears the other girl let out a frustrated breath.
"Well, it's nice to see you too, Berry. My trip was great by the way, thanks for asking." Santana mutters mockingly, taking a seat at the edge of Rachel's bed.
The shorter girl pushes her covers a bit so she can look at her friend and she can't help but scowl at Santana's tone. Doesn't she understand how serious this is?! She's not performing, and she needs her understudy to do her job.
Rachel sits up begrudgingly, "Isn't that why you came back? Kurt called you."
That's not the only reason, Santana thinks, "Kurt called me because I'm the closer. I'm not going on tonight, Rachel." She says softly with a sigh. Focus on the matter at hand, Santana. "Not unless you really piss me off and I break something of yours from dragging your tiny ass out of this loft. Then I'll do my understudy duties."
Rachel drops down on her bed again. "Have you read the comments? They're all terrible and— wait, what are you doing?" She notices Santana pull out her phone and begin scrolling through, "No, no I don't wanna hear them again, I can't—
"'She's an ancient, uptight princess; she's a freak…" Santana begins to read, "Her hands are frightening, more than amusing, and her movements are wildly bizarre."
Rachel gapes at Santana's tactics and she can feel her stomach tightening, "Santana, those are awful." She mutters, tears starting to stain her voice, "That's your idea of a pep talk?"
Santana lets out a laugh but the smaller girl notices that it's warm and not mocking which is…what? This is a cruel joke isn't it?
"You know I don't do pep talks, Berry." The taller girl says, flipping her hair off her shoulder, "And anyway, yes, those comments were awful…they were also written in 1964…about Barbra Streisand when she played Fanny."
Rachel sits up again and chews at her bottom lip, "I see what you did there." She says softly, looking up at Santana through those long eyelashes, "But, I don't wanna let anyone down, and according to like 100 Broadway blogs, I'm too rookies for this; the odds are so against me—
Santana rolls her eyes, "And since when has that ever stopped you, Rachel?" she says with a frustrated sigh, and before she even realized it, her hand is on top of her friend's and she notices that they weren't at all manly after all, "Look, the odds have been stacked against you for like ever, okay? Through glee club; during all of our performances and shows; coming to New York. Rachel, these things don't just happen to people, but you made it all happen anyway." Santana pauses, waiting for a reaction and she's a little surprised at the diva's actually letting her talk, so she keeps going anyway, "You don't even have to believe me, or yourself, all you have to do is get on that stage and open your mouth. You can't actually do this badly, okay? You just don't have it in you."
Santana finally notices a small smile tugging at the other girl's lips and she's trying to contain the figurative butterflies going fucking crazy in her stomach right now.
"You and I only have two speeds; awesome or not at all." She mutters softly and she feels Rachel give her hand a small squeeze, "So who cares what all the other peasants think?"
The shorter girl reaches her arms towards Santana and pulls her into a tight embrace, "Thank you…" She says softly and Santana sits taken aback for a second but then smiles against Rachel's hair and hugs the other girl back, breathing in her scent and has Rachel always smelled this good?
Rachel pulls away gently, snapping Santana back and she pretends to clear her throat, flashing Rachel a small smile.
"How was your trip anyway?" Rachel asks softly, noticing Santana's sudden discomfort, "Is Brittany here too?"
Santana shakes her head and Rachel can see the sadness in her eyes, "Just me. She had to take care of some things back at MIT."
"Do you wanna talk about it?" The smaller girl asks carefully.
Santana shakes her head looking down at her lap for a tiny moment and then back at Rachel, "Later. It's your opening night." She mutters out, forcing a smile and finally pulling herself up from the bed. "We need to haul ass and get you ready."
Santana holds out her hand and Rachel looks up at her with those big brown eyes and she quietly thanks Brittany for making her realize what's been eating at her for the last four months.
Rachel takes the other girls hand, lacing their fingers together.
"Thank you, Santana." She mutters softly, and all Santana can do is smile at the girl in front of her and starts thinking of what to say when she finally gets the balls to tell Rachel Berry how she feels.