The Curse
Chapter 1
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Kakashi had been tailing Iruka off and on for two days and had yet to see any sign of a girlfriend. The sensei went to bed in an empty futon and awoke alone. He went around his daily routine happily, without any trace of loneliness, but never getting closer than friend or teacher to anyone. The chuunin had poker night on Wednesdays with his little chuunin friends, but he never bragged to them about his romantic exploits and had no one to scold him when he came home, late and a little bit tipsy.
It was beginning to look distressingly like Gai was right and Kakashi was wrong. Kakashi couldn't let that happen! It would throw the aura of the whole village off (not to mention leave Gai with a very long 'I told you so' speech).
There was only one logical solution, of course. Well, Kakashi could actually think of three, but the other two involved some forbidden jutsu, a load of money in small, unmarked bills, and the help of this shady guy Kakashi had met in a dark alley in the slums of Suna. Kakashi didn't want to resort to those solutions, though, so Plan Number One it would be. The Copy Ninja would set Iruka up without someone, thus proving to Maito Gai that everyone in Konoha was part of some sickening sweet couple.
Not that Kakashi cared what Gai thought or anything, and certainly not because Kakashi was freakishly competitive and didn't want Gai to win one of their challenges (he certainly didn't know that the current score was a 522 tie, and one loss would put Gai in the lead). No, Kakashi was just a caring sort of shinobi that didn't want the chuunin sensei that he didn't know well to lead a life of loneliness and sorrow. That was his story, and he was sticking to it.
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Kakashi wasn't exactly a genius when it came to romance ("More of a lost cause than Orochimaru would be working at a daycare!" His friends would have remarked, if they had been listening rather than making sappy eyes at each other), but he figured matchmaking couldn't be too hard. According to his extensive research (Icha Icha volumes one through thirty-three, as well as the four special editions), all he needed to do was kidnap Iruka, put him in a room with a busty and beautiful heroine who would immediately fall head over heels after the chuunin gave her a intense look, and then the clothes would start flying. After a few scenes of sex, they would be firmly in love and go on to live happily ever after, and then Kakashi would be right!
Kakashi giggled over his master plan for a few moments before he started scouting around for an appropriate woman for Iruka. It wouldn't be hard; there were ninja and civilian throwing themselves at the brunet all through the day, although Iruka acted like he didn't even notice (which was a shame, Kakashi had to admit, because Iruka was damn sexy when he blushed).
With the help of his sharingan, the jounin located a dozen women that fit the Icha Icha heroine profile. The down side was, most of them already had boyfriends, and the last one had a questionable medical history. Kakashi decided none of those would work; while the Copy Nin might not feel any remorse about sleeping with someone in a relationship, he had a feeling the school teacher had a little more decency. Well, Iruka was just going to have to settle for someone a little less busty or a little less beautiful.
An hour later, Kakashi had rejected every woman in the village for one reason or another. Most had significant others already, or had psychotic families. Some were workaholics and were never in the village for more than a day at a time. Shizune had come close to passing Kakashi's standards for Iruka, but had been eliminated because of her close proximity to the Hokage. There was no way that sweet girl hadn't been corrupted by that old hag.
By dinner time, Kakashi was getting desperate. If he couldn't find a good match, a mediocre one would have to do. He resolved that the next woman he saw was going to get locked up with Iruka whether she liked it or not.
Anko walked around the corner and into his sight, happily munching on her usual dango. She waved at Kakashi from across the street. Kakashi groaned.
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Iruka was working diligently in the mission room. He stayed behind after everyone else left for dinner break, trying to get caught up on his filing. If he could finish up early, Iruka could go find Naruto and treat him to some ramen, a bank braking practice, but fun nonetheless.
Unfortunately, it was hard to file when someone switches the lights out. One minute Iruka was putting 'Gross Cost of Damage to Village' behind 'Gambling Debts, Tsunade' and the next he was sitting in darkness. The door was thrust open, something was tossed in with a thud, and then the door was slammed shut. Iruka heard the lock click shut with a sinking heart.
"Oof!" the thing that had been tossed into the room said.
"Huh?" Iruka responded ever so articulately.
"Oh, that bastard! I'm gonna kill him and feed his body to the snakes!" The thing hissed.
"Is…is that you, Anko-san?" Iruka asked. Oh, great. Just what he needed. He was locked in the room with a crazed, pissed off jounin.
"Oh, hey Iruka-kun! How have you been lately?" Anko asked pleasantly (Iruka remembered from their shared academy days that Anko could switch moods faster than Tsunade lost money). He watched as her shadowy form got up from the floor and began feeling around the door for a way out.
"I've been fine. What exactly are you doing here, Anko-san?" Anko removed some tools from her weapons kit; Iruka couldn't see in the darkness, but he could guess what they were: a lock picking set.
"No need to be so formal, Iruka-kun. We're old friends." Anko told him, working at the lock. "And I would like to know why I'm here too. We'll just have to ask Kakashi-kun, won't we?"
Kakashi? What did Kakashi have to do with this?
Anko jiggled the doorknob, twisted the lock pick once more, and the door swung open. The kunoichi latched onto Iruka's wrist and dragged him through the door frame.
"Come on, Iruka-kun. You can finish the paperwork later. We've got a copy nin to find!"
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Kakashi sat on a stool in a bar, wondering how long one customarily waited before checking to see if one's matchmaking had been fruitful. It seemed wrong to spy, but he was curious to see what was going on.
'One more chapter,' he decided, 'then I'll go check'. He buried his nose into his book (which entertained and shielded his face as he sipped his sake, a true indicator of Jiraiya's ultimate genius).
"KAKASHI!" A voice screeched. Okay then, Kakashi wouldn't need to check- Anko was here. Had they finished up so quickly?
"Kakashi, what the hell were you trying to pull back there, huh?" Anko yelled, bursting into the bar with Iruka in tow. That was a good sign, how she grasped his wrist so protectively (although, Iruka was wincing, so that might have been a death grip to make sure he didn't escape), but she didn't seem happy enough to have just gotten laid…
"I guess the Icha Icha approach didn't work, then?" He asked sheepishly, closing his one eye and scratching the back of his head with one gloved hand.
Anko's eyes widened as she figured out what Kakashi had been trying to do. "Oh my god, you pervert! That would be so, so wrong!" She gestured wildly, dragging Iruka left and right. The poor chuunin looked confused and miserable. Anko finally realized that she was still attached to the sensei and turned him loose.
"Wait here, Iruka-kun." She ordered, grabbing Kakashi in his place. "I've got to have a talk with Kakashi-kun here." Kakashi was bodily dragged from the bar and to the alleyway behind it. Anko scared away the drunk that was puking there with a single glare.
"Tell me what's going on." Anko commanded. Kakashi bravely stood his ground. He was a jounin, trained to withstand all kinds of torture without betraying his secrets. He would never tell his plan to the enemy!
"If you don't start talking, I'm going to have to seduce you for the information!" Anko threatened. She pressed her body against Kakashi's and dragged her tongue up his masked cheek.
"I'll talk!" Kakashi yelped, shoving her away. Anything, anything to keep that crazed snake-woman out of his three-foot bubble.
He told her about his conversation with Gai, his plan to set Iruka up, and his execution of Plan Icha Icha (now deemed a failure). Anko stared hard at him.
"Listen up, Kakashi. There's a reason Iruka doesn't have a girlfriend. He's had a bad history and he doesn't want to be with anyone now. Just give up before you hurt somebody." She said.
"What happened to him?" Kakashi asked, mildly concerned for the chuunin and completely curious.
"It's not my place to tell you Iruka's personal matters. If you really want to know, you'll have to find out from him." Anko said, finally releasing him. "See ya later!" She shouted, disappearing with a jutsu, just to be flashy.
'A bad past, huh?' That would just have to be overcome, then. Kakashi would set Iruka up with someone no matter what!
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Iruka sat around the bar for a few minutes, waiting for Anko to come back or Kakashi to pop up and explain things. While he was sitting there, five different people offered to buy him drinks, which he declined. People in Konoha were always so friendly!
After he'd been waiting for twenty minutes, Iruka left the bar. He swung by the mission room to pick up his papers and went home to grade.
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After his conversation with Anko, Kakashi noticed something new about the sensei he had been monitoring. Iruka never checked anyone out. He didn't masturbate. He didn't respond to any of the sexual innuendo that the rest of the mission room staff directed at him. He didn't even look at the covers of adult magazines when he passed them. It was like the man didn't have a sex drive at all!
'The key to the mystery of Iruka's missing sex drive must lie in his past. What could have happened that would cause him to repress himself so completely?' Kakashi asked himself.
It was time for more research. The first thing to do would be to find out when Iruka's last relationship had ended. Kakashi hopped roofs and trees to Genma and Raido's house. Genma the gossip-whore knew everything there was to know as far as secrets in the village went, and if he didn't know, he'd certainly find out. The fact that the two jounin would probably do lovey-dovey couple stuff in front of him didn't bother him anymore. Kakashi was on a mission, and he wouldn't rest until it was complete!
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That's all for today, folks! Thank you for reviewing the last chapter and for the congratulations for graduation (if that makes sense?). I wasn't sure that anyone read my author notes, but I guess you do.
Next chapter: Kakashi starts interrogating Iruka's past flames and turns up…THE CURSE!