PART 2
One lick to rule them all, one look to find them...
one kiss to bring them all and in the candlelight bind them...
in the light of bedrooms where fools get laid.
This is the secret diary of Raina.
Read it and you'll have a wooden pin in your ass.
December 26
Finally!
At dawn, stood before the almighty Grandpa Elrond's cottage. Was banging at the door for half an hour, and finally some gay in curlers appeared. After a short name-calling, he turned out to be Elrohir. He said that Gandalf is on his way to Mordor, escorting a guy named Frollo! What a jerk!
December 27
Arwen mercifully gave me one of her dresses. It looks like my grandmother's. In the meantime, I also learned that Gandy took Arnie with him, along with a band of dwarves and some leggings ... I'm sure he's got dementia.
December 31
Run away. New Year's Eve with those Rivendell assholes is one big gay parade swimming in cheap alcohol. Going to find the old fag. He owes me money!
January 2, year 3019
Bravely making my way through bushes. What a place! I miss Gandy's ruin.
January 8
Feels like that gurgling crap returned and is following me.
January 10
Cold. Freakin cold. Fucking Caradhas, what was I thinking?!
January 12
I swear I heard Gandy's voice! Before I managed to know which direction it's coming from, a damn avalanche had swept me. Beautifully.
January 14
When I finally got out of the bloody snow, it turned out that I landed on the other side of Moria. Lost track of Gandalf. Shit.
January 16
SUCCESS! Sensed Arnie's new cologne! Found the whole circus having a party near some disgusting rock. Everyone was moaning and whining. It turned out that Gandy tripped and fell into the abyss. What a pity. Sayonara, money!
January 17
Following Arnie and the company. Redneck from Gondor is coming onto me. Frollo and his entourage are kinda suspicious. Dwarf pretends I do not exist. Blonde chick looks at me strangely. Bunch of morons.
January 18
Were walking through the forest when suddenly a bunch of creepy Elves jumped out from the bushes and attacked the Dwarf. Blondie jumped out to help him, but I was quicker. Kicked the Dwarf and he fell before the arrow had stuck into his fat ass. Weirdos turned out to be Lothlorien Elves. Excellent! I wonder if Aunt Galadriel remembers me!
January 20
Galadriel had no idea who I am! The humiliation! I shall take revenge... Do not underestimate the power of the Dark Side!
January 23
There is absolutely nothing to do here! Redneck from Gondor perpetually drunk. Arnie has persuaded me to play poker for money.
January 26
Have run out of cash. Now playing for socks.
January 30
Have run out of socks. Not even a damn sock in the entire Lorien. Now playing for bets.
February 2
Arnie loses. He began to cheat. From now on, Blondie is the referee.
February 3
Have run out of ideas. Today was the highest bid. If I win, Arnie screws a guy. If he wins, I sleep with a girl.
February 4
Blondie cheating even more than Arnie. I lost one fucking hand.
February 5
In revenge, my goal is to do Blondie. The game is on!
February 7
Damn. Can't do it when I'm sober. Where do they keep the Elvish hooch?
February 9
Will rape her in the bathroom. Perfect place. She won't enter the bath with a bow, will she?
The hunt starts now.
February 10
The first approach fucked up by the Dwarf. Was shaving his pubic hair the entire evening. I puked eight times.
February 11
Last chance. Arnie and Gondorian Yeti mutter something about leaving.
Drunk like hell. Do not even know my own name.
February 13
Blondie stripped and raped. I have a hangover and do not remember a damn thing, but Arnie got the proof in the form of pink panties. I rock.
February 14
Blondie woke up in Aunt Galadriel's fountain. Galadriel pissed. I have the impression that we'll be leaving really soon.
Someone left some withered flower and a green M&Ms in my room. Happy Valentine's Day.
I suspect Frollo.
February 16
Auntie kicked us out. Gave each of us a sandwich and some crap from an old shed. Frollo got a shiny bottle!
February 17
Blondie staring at me strangely. I also suspect that she harasses Arnie sexually.
February 19
Woke up at dawn. Just to see Blondie practicing Yoga near the River. Naked.
Went back to sleep.
February 20
Analyzing the events of yesterday, I discovered an amazing fact.
Blondie is a guy.
February 21
Still in shock.
February 22
In a boat with the Dwarf. Puked 4 times.
February 23
Gays of Mordor attack. Hit them hard. They fled.
February 25
Argonath. Arnie excited. He sexually assaulted squirrels, which we had for lunch.
February 26
Hideous punks from Mordor attacking again. Stole two Halflings. Gondorian Yeti wanted to show off his courage by saving them. Ugly guys made a shish kebab out of him.
Frollo decided that since half of his entourage is missing, he wants to go somewhere else. His slave followed him. Finally some peace! But they could take Blondie with them ...
To be continued... Maybe next week.