Best I Ever Had
Now I know I messed up bad
You were the best I ever had
I let you down in the worst way
It hurts me every single day
I'm dying to let you know
Six months had passed since she had walked out the door and out of his life. There hadn't been a day that had gone by that the events of that night replayed in his mind. Luckily he found himself in a situation where his days were long so he could keep himself busy. He dreaded the nights now more than ever before. When his world had calmed down and he was alone with his thoughts. Everything she had said that night had come true.
He felt more alone than he ever thought he was capable off. His three best friends were there for him but he couldn't tell them how badly he thought he had fucked up. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw her face and he missed her so bad. He hadn't realized until that night how much his heart was aching for her, how much he longed for her touch, how much he needed her near and now he had been stupid enough to mess it all up.
Kendall walked in the trailer where Logan was sitting. "What's on your mind?" he asked as he took a seat next to Logan.
"I fucked up?" he said shaking his head.
"Have you tried calling her?" Kendall offered.
"Yeah because she really is jumping for joy to hear from me," Logan said rolling his eyes.
"Just think about it, okay?" Kendall said as he placed his hand on Logan's shoulder.
"What am I suppose to say? You were right? I haven't stopped thinking about you since the day you walked away. I was an idiot for letting you walk away to begin with? And of all the things I miss about us is our friendship?" Logan rambled on as his voice filled with sadness.
"It could be a start," Kendall said sighing.
"I was a fool for walking away from something good," Logan went on.
"The last thing I want is for you to feel worse than you already do, but we all told you. I know you probably didn't mean for all of this to happen, the last thing you ever thought would happen is that you'd fall in love with her. If you really want her back, you'll have to proof to her that you've changed, that everything you guys shared wasn't a lie, that everything you downplayed meant more to you than you ever thought was possible," Kendall said as he threw Logan a weak smile.
"Kendall!" James said as the trailer door swung open.
"What's up?" Kendall asked.
"You're needed back on set," James said.
"You gonna be okay?" Kendall asked Logan as he nodded towards James, letting him know that he was on his way.
"Yeah, I will be," Logan said as he closed his eyes and rested his head against the couch.
"Did you tell him?" James asked Kendall as they were making their way to the set.
"No, I didn't," Kendall said shaking his head.
"Why didn't you?" James asked as he stopped in his tracks.
"I want to tell him so badly that she is coming to town but I promised her I wouldn't. If she wants him to know, she'll tell him," Kendall softly spoke.
"He is going to find out, you know," James said shaking his head.
"If you want him to know so badly, then you go and tell him. Look he broke her heart I have been hearing her cry over him for the last six months! She calls me because she doesn't have anyone else in her life!" Kendall said raising his voice.
"You are caught in the middle here Kendall but he is your best friend. I'm not saying that what he did was right, because it wasn't but he deserves to know. If you don't wanna tell him, then come up with a plan that they'll be in the same room. From the way it sounds they both have unresolved issues and they need to talk. Logan isn't a bad guy, he just messed up and I'm saying, if you were in his shoes, what would you want Logan to do?" James said as he walked off.
Back in the trailer Logan was pacing back and forth. There had been days like these before, days where he just wanted to pick up the phone, dial her number and hear the sound of her voice but he couldn't. He had promised her years ago he wasn't going to leave and that she could trust him.
The way he felt right now, he wished he could pack his bags, leave and head back to Los Angeles, see if he could find her. He had no idea where to start looking for her and he knew she wouldn't tell him where she was, not even if his life depended on it. He knew that he couldn't walk away from all of this but in this moment, it made sense. It didn't make him happy, it didn't bring him as much joy as it once did and it was pointless and it felt like it didn't matter. He knew he had to pull himself together.
Later that night, he went out for a walk. He didn't care much for the company of people. That's how he had felt since she had walked away. On his walk, rain started pouring from the skies and he hurried in the first place he could find. He took in his surroundings and he realized he was in a small bar. He walked to the bar, took a seat and ordered a beer.
"ID please?" an older woman asked.
He grabbed his wallet and showed her his drivers license. A few minutes later she came back and placed the beer in front of him. He clenched his fingers around his glass and took a sip.
Now I'm here to say I'm sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
A month had gone by and Logan's mood hadn't improved at all. In fact it had gotten worse as time went by.
Carlos walked in the room he and Logan shared. There was a do not disturb sign on the door and Logan lay sleeping in his bed.
"Logan! Wake up buddy! Let's go do something," Carlos offered.
"Go away, Carlos. I don't wanna go and DO something," Logan said as he pulled the covers over his head.
Flashes from the night before came back to him. He knew he had been in a bar downtown and enjoyed a couple of beers. He knew he spent some time in the bar but after that everything was pretty much a blur.
"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Logan grunted.
"Did you get drunk last night?" Carlos asked as he smelled alcohol on Logan's breath.
"So what if I did? Don't act as if you don't get drunk once in a while!" Logan snapped.
"I do but I don't drink to forget!" Carlos snapped back.
"What is it that you're saying Carlos? Say it!" Logan said raising his voice.
"I am just pointing out that you are drinking for the wrong reasons and before you know it you'll be an addict!" Carlos screamed.
"I have it under control! And it's not like I get drunk every night!" Logan yelled.
"No? When was the last time you actually had a good time when you were sober?" Carlos yelled.
"What the hell is going on?" Kendall yelled as he came rushing in the hotel room.
"Stay out of this Kendall!" Carlos yelled.
"Okay, this is getting out of hand. I'm getting James!" Kendall said as he walked out the room only to return ten minutes later with James in tow.
"What's going on?" James asked.
"It's Logan! He was drunk again last night!" Carlos screamed.
"You didn't leave your room last night! You didn't wanna come with us for drinks so you just drank here all by yourself? Sneaking around?" James yelled.
"James! Stay out of this! I went out for a walk last night and ended up in a bar, so what? I am FINE! So I drink, what's it to you? Does it decrease the quality of my performance? No it does not!" Logan shouted!
"You're just lying to yourself and you know it!" Carlos shouted.
Kendall remained silent watching his friends like this was killing him. This was ruining their friendship.
"STOP THIS!" Kendall finally shouted. "This has got to stop! Logan you have to stop drinking because it's not helping you. You're not getting her back by drinking. And Carlos shove him in a shower and have him downstairs in 15 minutes! Logan, you better be fucking sobered up when you get downstairs, better be in a less bitchy mood because I swear I will kill you if you fuck this up!"
The guys looked at him strangely. "James you're with me!" Kendall said as he left the hotel room before slamming the door shut.
"What are you going to do?" James asked.
"The one thing I promised her I wouldn't do. Bring him to her. He needs to deal with this, it's been seven months now. She needs to talk sense into him and he needs to talk to her."
"You know this might blow up in your face?" James asked.
"Very well aware but what its doing to us is not worth it!" Kendall stated.
Half an hour later, Carlos and Logan arrived in the lobby. Logan looked presentable and at least he looked sober.
"Where are we going?" he asked in a tone of voice that showed he didn't want to be there.
"How badly do you wanna see her?" Kendall asked.
"What are you talking about? And what kind of a question is that?" Logan asked getting annoyed.
"If you were able to see her now, do you know what you would say? Do?" Kendall asked.
"Yes! And I don't know what I'd do. What's with the 20 questions. If it's torture Logan day you can stop right now because I torture myself for the four of us!" he stated.
"Get in the car and don't make me regret this Logan!" Kendall said.
"I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what game you're playing!" Logan said now seriously agitated by his friends behavior.
"We're going to see her! Now get your ass in this car!" Kendall said stern and firm.
There had only been a handful of times he had seen Kendall like this. Logan knew Kendall was serious and he had enough.
Logan looked over at James and Carlos who were just standing there.
"You guys are not coming?" Logan asked.
"No, we don't want to be accomplishes in a murder," James said as he back away.
The car ride started off in silence; both men sulking. "where the heck are we going?" Logan asked as he took in the scenery.
"I told you, we're going to see her," Kendall said calmly.
"We can't drive to L.A." Logan stated the obvious.
"That's not where we're going," Kendall said.
"Kendall fuck stop being so mysterious! Where the hell is she?" he asked.
"She's in town," Kendall stated, his eyes still focused on the road.
"When? How? What?" Logan blurted out.
"She got here three days ago. She's in town because of this convention at work," Kendall replied.
"How do you even know this?" Logan asked.
"I've been in touch with her since you guys, ..." Kendall said his voice trailing off.
"And when were you going to tell me this?" Logan asked now getting upset with his friend.
"I wasn't but then you started going down this road of self destruction and I cant let you do that. Be mad at me all you want Logan. I just had both of your best interests at heart," Kendall said as he turned left.
"Whatever Kendall!" Logan said as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"Get yourself together cuz we'll be there in five!" Kendall said shooting a glare at Logan.
Logan's breathing became heavier, his heart beat started rising and his palms were getting sweaty.
"I can't do this, Kendall," he said shaking his head.
"You can and you will!" Kendall said giving him a weak smile.
"What if she hates me?" Logan asked.
"She might, but you won't know until you've tried," Kendall spoke softly.
Kendall finally stopped the car and parked it. He unbuckled his seat belt and turned to Logan. "Look, I know I'm not your favorite person right now and I should've told you I was in touch with her but it would've hurt you more and I didn't want to do that. She needed someone Logan, someone who she could talk to in confidence. She doesn't have a lot of friends to her name and she doesn't know who she could trust. She kept the two of you a secret from everyone in her close environment Logan. She needed someone to vent to and I was there for her but I am your friend too. I know how hurt you both have been and you have to fix this Logan, or at least try to. Whatever happens I'll be here and I'll be there for her if she'll ever talk to me after this," Kendall sighed.
"She doesn't need to know you told me," Logan said.
"Yeah, start it off with lies and secrets. I'll deal with it, she knows that eventually I would've told her, it's not your battle to fight, it's mine," Kendall said. "Just fix this okay? Cuz I want old Logan back. The new one I don't like him so much," he added.
Logan took a deep breath.
"She's in room 1205, good luck and whatever you do, don't mess up!" Kendall said as he patted his friend on the shoulder.
"Thanks for the pep talk captain!" Logan said rolling his eyes.
"No problem bud! Go show her your charm!" Kendall stated.
Logan ran his hand through his hair and made his way to the hotel entrance. He walked in straight to the elevators. Nerves washed over him as he was impatiently for the elevator to arrive. This was it, the moment he had been waiting for, for months had now unexpectedly arrived. He had no idea what he would say and words didn't seem to come when otherwise they came so fairly easy.
He finally made it to the floor her hotel room was on. He was able to locate her hotel room and he stood in front of it, contemplating to knock. He wanted to see her, needed to see her, needed to be close to her but he knew she wouldn't want him there.
He took a deep breath, made a fist, ready to knock on the door only to walk away again. He paced back and forth and luckily the hallway was deserted otherwise people might think he was up to something.
As he finally gathered the courage to knock on the door, the door swung open and he found himself face to face with her. Her brown hair dangled in curls around her face. The smile on her face changed as she saw him.
"Logan...," she whispered before slamming the door shut.
"Here me out! Just listen to me! Give me a chance to tell you that I'm sorry!" he yelled as he rested his head against the door.
So many things I would take back
You were the best I ever had
I don't blame you for hating me
I didn't mean to make you leave
She slowly opened the door. "You have five minutes," she said as she crossed her arms.
"I haven't stopped thinking about what I've done and what an idiot I was. I'm sorry, Kayleigh, so sorry. Everything you've said that night, everything came true. I understand if you hate me and if I could take it all back I would. I didn't know how much you meant to me until I saw you walk out the door, I didn't get it until then, that I didn't want you to leave at all and I knew that I made the biggest mistake of my life. You were the best I ever had Kayleigh, what we shared, it was real so real. I was stupid and scared. I played it all down and I miss you more than I ever though was capable. I miss us, our friendship so much," he said shrugging.
"I wanna hate you Logan. I really really do. But tell me, how do I know you're being honest and real with me this time around? How do I know that I can trust you? I lost all faith in you, Logan. I trusted you with my heart and you threw it away like it never meant anything to you. I don't know if I can even be your friend right now," she said as a tear formed in her left eye.
You and I were living like a love song
I feel so bad, I feel so bad that you're gone
Now I know you're the only one that I want
I want you back, I want you
"Kayleigh, I know that I messed it all up and I let you down so badly. I get that now but you can't unremember all that we've been through, you said it yourself seven months ago, "it was real" and it was. I was just too stupid to see and to realize that without you I am nothing. We were sharing something special and I didn't want to see it, I don't know. All I know is that you're the best thing I ever had and you have to believe me, Kayleigh. Everything I valued important it doesn't matter anymore, it lost all sense and meaning the moment you walked out the door and I know that its my fault," He said as his voice started to break.
"It hasn't been easy for me Logan. You have any idea how hard it was walking away from you that night? Everything inside of me told me to hold onto you, to change your mind somehow some way to make you see what you were doing was wrong but I had to go. Because in that moment, in that moment, you broke my heart, even then, I still loved you and when I walked away I still loved you and now I..." she said as she stopped mid sentence to swallow hard.
Now I'm here to say I'm sorry
And ask for a second chance
Cause when it all comes down to the end
I could sure use a friend
Now I'm here to say I'm sorry
And ask for a second chance
All I want to do is make it up to you
Cause when it all comes down to the end
You were the best I ever had
"I am not here, Kayleigh, to tell you we should get back together I am just here to let you know that you were right, that I am a complete and utter mess without you and that I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you," he softly spoke.
"I don't find any comfort in knowing you're hurting as bad as I am. And I do miss our friendship too Logan, I just don't know, I just don't know if I am ready to let you back in my life," she said shaking her head.
We fell in love for a reason
Now you're leaving
And I just want you back
So many things we believed in
Now you're leaving and words won't bring you back
I'll never let go of the heart I broke
"I understand Kay, I do. I still don't think I deserve you in my life but know that if you're ever ready to let me back in, I'll be waiting. All I know is that you are the only truth I know, you're the road back home and as long as it takes, i'll wait for you because I know, that you're worth the wait. I'll proof to you, if you let me, that I can make all our dreams come true," he softly whispered as he looked her deep into the eyes.
"I have to think about all of this, Logan. I don't know if I can ever do what you're asking me to. I need time and I have to go now," she softly said before passing by him and walking away.
Logan felt defeated and fought tears that were coming.
"Logan," he heard her call out he looked up and she threw him a weak smile, "I'm sure that Kendall told you where I was and Kendall told me how you've been doing but you need to get your life back together Logan. Even if I do decide to let you back in, you have to get your shit together because I can't be there for you the way you want me to. I will no longer be the one to heal your scars and kiss your booboos. You have to heal yourself, do some heavy soul searching and in time we'll see where we are. Don't give up hope, Logan, maybe it isn't our time yet, maybe somewhere down the line, it is," she softly spoke before turning on her heel and walking away.
For some unexplainable reason this talk even though it hadn't gone as it had hoped had made him feel better. He slowly made his way back to the car where he had left Kendall. Once outside the hotel he turned around, glanced at the hotel one last time, sighed, closed his eyes and got in the car.
"How did it go?" Kendall asked.
"Not as I expected it, I didn't know what to expect but for now she made sense, everything she said, she made sense. She always did make sense. For now, this is enough," he said smiling weakly.
"Does that mean we get Logan back?" Kendall asked as he turned on the engine.
"Yeah, it just means that. He was just on a vacation, he's back, I promise," he said as he smiled at his friend.