(Updated: 27.02.2015)
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Chapter 1
It is 6 o'clock in the morning when I finish my routine of brushing my teeth and hair, finish preparing breakfast and getting myself ready for school. Nervousness has settled in my stomach the night before because today I would take my aptitude test. It would give me a hint which of the five factions I should choose. I hope with everything within me that I won't get Abnegation and I scoff at me for that. I never was cut out for Abnegation.
Abnegation, the faction of my birth, are the selfless. They believe in forgetting yourself, helping others and that that selflessness could have prevented the war that destroyed the world. Because my Faction is selfless we are responsible for the government because it is unlikely for us to let the power this function brings would get to our heads. Amity, the peaceful, think that being kind, respectful and caring for one another, living in swing with nature is the way out of a catastrophe. They live near and behind the fence, growing our food. Candor, the honest, never lie and thats the reason why they are responsible for the law. They tell the truth no matter what, even if it is considered rude or hurts someone. Dauntless are the brave, the soldiers protecting us, that believe in overcoming fear, and shouting for the weak. Lastly there is Erudite, the faction that believes in knowledge. Knowledge means understanding, understanding means overcoming differences and conflicts.
I hear heavy footsteps on the stairs, the creak indicating that father is halfway down. I straighten my back and dress and take the last bite of my bread.
"Good morning.", I greet respectfully, my voice soft, my head down. I take my own plate to the sink and place his breakfast in front of him.
"Morning, Beatrice. Are you nervous about today?" He seems to be in a good mood so I try to relax my shoulders a bit.
"No, father." I say honestly and grab my jacket from the back of my chair. As I put it on I see him nod. I know what is expected of me and though I made it my daily task to meet these expectations or surpass them I know exactly that I won't comply this time.
"I am on my way to school now. I will be back this afternoon." He grunts in reply and I close the door behind myself taking a silent deep breath. As I make my way to the busstop to wait for the vehicle that brings us into the center of the city I hear someone call my name shyly. I look back to the grey buildings to see a grey girl coming up to me, face a bit flushed from running I suppose.
"Good morning, Susan. How are you?", I say and look back down the road, trying to get the attention back to the girl that now stands next to me.
"Thank you, I am fine. And you?", she asks also trying to stay in role.
"Same." I say quietly and smile a bit. We stand in silence, the strap of our schoolbag clasped in our hands in front of us. I hear the loud noises that indicates the bus that will take us back to school. I let the younger children enter first and try to be respectful when I myself enter the bus. I prefer to stand so I am not annoyed when there aren't any seats left.
When we reach the school my legs hurt a bit because the road has never been fixed properly and the holes are still big enough to jolt the bus from one side to the other. I let the other kids out again before I step down and enter the school building that was my second home for the last ten years. I think I am going to miss the loud corridors, the other kids that are so different from us Abnegation, that show us what we could expect if we would transfer. I stand at a window before my classroom and watch the Dauntless dependents arrive via train, jumping from it, laughing. A boy playfully hugs a girl, two girls laugh hysterically and I smile my small smile happy for their freedom that maybe will be my freedom too.
The day passes quickly and not long before lunch we are called to a room where meetings like the one that will transpire in just a few minutes are held. I let the other people pass. People I more or less knew since I was 7. We all sit in our rows, our Faction colours orderly – Abnegation in the back because it is more important that the other kids get all the information they need then we do – our small act of selflessness – and Erudite in the front because every new knowledge is important, even the tiniest bit.
The person stepping up is one of my favorit teachers and though he is well liked by all of his students it takes a moment for all of us to calm down – especially the Dauntless dependents.
"Today your aptitute test takes place. And we as your teachers would like to say a few chosen words before you take it. You don't need to be afraid to take it. There is no way you could have prepared for it and there is no way anyone of you could fail. So just trust the person that admisters the test and keep calm. In hindside to organisation: the test for the Abnegation students will be performed from volunteers from other Factions so please go to either room 4 or 5 when you are being called. And last: Whatever the test says, don't forget you can always chose differently. Noone can order you to do anything: not your parents with their expectations, not the test." He throws us a look, a small smile on his face and I feel a weigh lift from my shoulders even if it was just a small one because I just got the permission to go against my father.
After our lunchbreak we wait in the cafeteria to hear our name being called for the aptitude test. I am not nervous because my Faction History teacher Mr. Raynolds said that the test isn't about knowing something but about something that we would find out maybe many years later when we are old enough because then we know who we are. And Mr. Meyers just underlined that statement with his speech before lunch. I would have liked to ask Mr. Raynolds a few questions because his explanation was more of a riddle then a real help but I didn't because curiosity is frownd upon coming from an Abnegation though not as much because we are still teens and haven't chosen our path yet.
I remember a night when I met my brother again. It was a short visit because we both knew "Factions before Blood" wasn't just a nice slogan for our constitution but something we had to live by. He was concerned for me and I for him. Everything changed after our mother's death and the future was grey.
"How are you doing?", he asked in his now deep voice, his eyes full of worry as he folded me in his arms. Though Abnegation we both needed the contact that just we could give each other. I breath in his scent, feel the safety that only he could give me and relax. My eyes burn because I just miss him being there with me. I miss his presence in the morning when he would help me whenever it was my turn to make breakfast even though he didn't have to. He would help me with homework in the afternoon and protect me in school, always keeping an eye on me. And he helped me to stay in my role as a daughter of Abnegation, forgetting myself, putting others first. Without him I was selfish.
"Good so far. How are you doing?", I ask him, breathing his scent again that was still the same but different. He was considered a man now, responsible for himself and maybe one day for his family.
"Everything is good. I am held busy with my role in the Faction, I have friends that are looking for my attention. But I worried a lot about you. I know I should have come sooner but I couldn't.." I interrupt him with a hand on his arm. I feel his muscle ripple underneath my palm and I am happy that he can put his natural muscular and strong build to good use. His hair is a bit longer now and his face more defined. And I feel a deep happiness to hear him talk about his social life.
"There is nothing to be sorry about." I say taking his big hand into mine and pulling him down with me to sit beneath the grass around us, the moon and the stars. Even though it is in the middle of the night and the lights of the city long switched off to reserve the energy I don't want anyone to see us and he doesn't as well.
"Beatrice..." I know he felt guilty for leaving me behind but seriously there was nothing he could do because he was four years older and staying in Abnegation was out of the question – for him and for me. I told him to follow the aptitude test, to think of himself when he had to chose his role in our society and promised him more then once that I would follow him if the test said I could or I would find the courage to do so anyways.
"No, I mean it. This isn't the Abnegation upbringing talking that is me, ok?" He smiled and nodded and we looked around us and smelled the grey night. I always felt safe in his company, I always felt at home and though I didn't want to destroy our peaceful and quite reunion I looked at him and asked:
"Do you think that we will be together again? My aptitude test is two years away but maybe..." I stopped myself and took a deep breath. I know I was hoping for something I couldn't control. He watched me for a while and I thought he wouldn't answer and that would have been ok because it was selfish of me to expect him to have an answer.
"I think we will." I looked at him, eyes wide and smiled. Maybe, I thought.
"Beatrice? We have to go.", a quiet voice next to me said a bit urgent. My cheeks warmed a bit and I apologized before following Susan to the 5 rooms in which the test would take place. I enter cautiously and glanced around the room just to look back at my shoes. Mirrors nearly everywhere. To forget yourself you don't look at your reflection because it would be self-indulgent. The only time we are allowed to is every three months. I find this sometimes hard, sometimes not so much. I know that when we grow older especially from kids to young adults we change a lot and everytime it is my turn to look I get eager and very curious. But every time I just find the same plain girl, same grey-blue eyes, though my hair is longer and I cut it to a reasonable length.
"Abnegation and mirrors", says a black-dressed woman slightly amused. I just shrug my shoulders not knowing if she wants an explanation or just wanted to say something as it often is the case with members from any other Faction then Abnegation.
"My name is Tori. Take a seat, Beatrice." I nod and fumble with the sleeves of my jacket, nervous now even just a bit and let my body sink onto the metal chair. The cool metal helps me calm down a bit and I try to relax my shoulders that hurt from tensing them too long too hard. I take a deep breath and study Tori for a moment. She is everything what I expect a full Dauntless member to be and I am envious for a moment as I see the bold neckline of her shirt exposing tattoos on her collarbone. I envy that she is strong and independet and free to do so. Not because I want to show of my cleavage or something like that but because she feels sure in her body and noone lectures her about the right way to dress and behave. It is suffocating sometimes.
Tori turns to me and begins to press little buttonlike sensors to my head. I don't say anything and wait for her to finish. When she turns back to the monitor my eyes are caught by a tattoo of a huge bird on her neck though I cannot explicitly say what kind of bird it is.
"What does your tattoo represent?" I ask boldly because the details of her body art fascinates me. She turns back to me, one eyebrow raised, an amused but not unfriendly glint in her dark eyes.
"Quiet curious for an Abnegation, aren't you?", she says and I think for a moment that she won't answer me.
"It represents my fear of darkness. It is actually an old symbol for the sun. I thought if I carry the sun with me everywhere I won't be afraid anymore and I overcame this fear with time. Now it reminds me of the strength I possess because I lost that fear." I nod and look back on my hands hidden in the grey arms of my dress.
"Drink this." She says handing me a blue liquid. I see that she doesn't want me to ask anymore questions so I just do as she says.
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