The Coitus Conundrum Act I J. Franklin
THE EROS EQUILIBRIUM
ACT I
(Scene: An adult toy store. Several mannequins are present and dressed in various lingerie outfits. The walls are decorated with videos, boxed gifts, and magazines. The purchasing counter is in the back of the room with a curtained doorway to the side. HOWARD, LEONARD, and SHELDON are in the foreground. LEONARD and SHELDON are clearly uncomfortable while HOWARD is examining a box.)
HOWARD: - and she inflates to a life-size doll complete with blond hair and blue eyes!
LEONARD: We are not buying an inflatable woman, Howard.
HOWARD: Come on! It'll be hilarious! (Pauses) She costs less than a stripper – (Picks up another box) comes in blond, brunette, or redhead, and best of all, you never have to go down to the clinic the next morning to get tested! (Turns box over) Oh, and it says here it's "Fifty Shades of Grey" compatible!
SHELDON: (Exasperated) This was clearly a mistake. Let's get out of here!
LEONARD: (Stops him) We can't do that. Penny gave us three options and you said this was the one with the least potential for embarrassment.
SHELDON: Only because we knew we wouldn't run into anyone from the university here. (Throws up hands) Fine. But I want us to vote on which item we buy. And it has to be unanimous!
LEONARD: Okay, fine. We'll do it your way.
SHELDON: That reminds me. Where is Koothrappali?
(Cut to: The curtained doorway in the back. The curtain opens and we see a very shaken RAJ exiting. His eyes are wide and he is shuffling slowly.)
RAJ: Okay, I don't really know what most of those things are in there, but as a man with dark skin let me just say I am feeling very humbled!
HOWARD: (Rushing over to him) Oh, come on. You're not really going to buy into that long-standing prejudicial myth about skin color and endowment, are you? (Pulls open curtains) MY GOD!
RAJ: See?
HOWARD: (Pulling curtains closed) I take it back. Bernadette can never go in there
RAJ: So, please. Can we just go now?
HOWARD: No! We all promised to do this for Sheldon's bachelor party. We have to find something that he'll like –
RAJ: Well, can anyone from the store help us?
HOWARD: We don't need anyone from the store to help us! Besides, I'd really rather not have anyone here get to know us, you know?
(A store clerk passes by with a tablet computer and notices HOWARD.)
CLERK: Oh, good evening, Mr. Rosenberg. Back again?
HOWARD: (Flustered) What? I'm – I'm not Mr. Rosenberg!
CLERK: Sure you are. But don't worry. We pride ourselves on the privacy of our customers. Will you be picking up the usual items for your landlady, Mrs. Wolowitz?
RAJ: (Turns to HOWARD, aghast) Dude! PLEASE tell me you don't buy things for your mother here…
HOWARD: No! This guy obviously has me mistaken for somebody else!
CLERK: (Checking tablet computer) No, I have it right here. You're due to pick up your landlady's monthly supply of Liquid Lightning Gel –
HOWARD: (Stopping him) Stop! Please! (Nods toward KOOTHRAPPALI and speaks quickly in hushed tone) I'm here with someone else, so can we just drop it for now? I'll pick it up later!
CLERK: Suit yourself, sir. We'll have it in the back next to your other monthly items! (Moves away)
RAJ: (Still mortified) Dude, your "other monthly items"?
HOWARD: Sssh! Okay, maybe Bernadette and I get a little freaky sometimes. Just keep it down, okay?
RAJ: Dude, that's fine, but still, buying things here for your mother?
HOWARD: (Hissing) Look, her hormone pills make her horny, alright? I'm trying to be a good son, and sometimes that means doing things that don't exactly make me feel comfortable!
RAJ: Couldn't you just order her things online?
HOWARD: I tried. She doesn't like waiting for them in the mail. Can we please just drop this now before this gets any more embarrassing?
(Another clerk passes by.)
CLERK 2: Hello again, Mr. Rosenberg!
(HOWARD nods uncomfortably and waves quickly.)
RAJ: I think it just got more embarrassing, dude.
HOWARD: Well, relax. At least things can't get any worse.
MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Off camera) HOWARD?! I NEED HELP! MY ZIPPER IS STUCK AGAIN!
HOWARD: (Facepalms)
RAJ: (Quietly whining) Dude, WHY DID YOU BRING HER?! She totally killed the buzz for the group!
HOWARD: Look, I don't want to talk about it, okay? Go help Leonard and Sheldon and I'll be right back after I help her out of the dressing room.
RAJ: Okay. (Moves off)
(Another clerk passes by.)
HOWARD: Excuse me?
CLERK 3: Yes, Mr. Rosenberg?
HOWARD: I'll take that blindfold now, thank you.
CLERK 3: Oh, yes. You and your landlady again. (Pauses) I don't blame you. Hang on, I'll get it and meet you by the usual dressing room.
HOWARD: Thank you.
(Cut to: SHELDON, LEONARD, and RAJ all looking at the various paraphernalia on the shelves.)
LEONARD: You know, I'm ashamed to admit this, but I really don't even know what half of these things are!
RAJ: You should see what's in the back. You don't even have to know to know it's enough to emasculate you!
SHELDON: (To LEONARD) Oh, come on. You can figure out how most of these things work. You're a physicist. Just apply your basic principles of force and resistance! (Giggles)
LEONARD: Yes, but why would any guy BUY any of these things? (Begins scanning shelf) I mean, they're all obviously devices for satisfying women sexually, but if you use them, you never get to do anything!
SHELDON: Correction! You never HAVE to do anything!
RAJ: Exactly. So what's the point?
LEONARD: I don't know. I guess we're supposed to be sensitive guys and think about their needs when we're in places like this.
RAJ: Oh, give it a rest already, Mr. "I'm-the-King-of-Foreplay"! (LEONARD beams)
SHELDON: (Eyes widening, he grabs a box and examines it) Wait a minute…
LEONARD: (Looking at the box in his hands) Sheldon, I know I just said you should worry about her needs, but that doesn't mean you should buy something with the words "multiple speed settings" during what's supposed to be YOUR bachelor party!
RAJ: Especially one of those. (Pauses) Trust me, the ones in the back are much more impressive –
SHELDON: (Cutting him off) Hold on a moment. (Examines box more closely) It says this one comes in five different speeds and strength settings.
LEONARD: Most of them do. (RAJ and SHELDON look at him) Uh, I mean, that's what Penny tells me.
RAJ: Come on, let's go check out the DVD section –
SHELDON: (Cutting him off again) No, wait a moment. (Thinks) I think I may finally have found a way to have coitus with Amy without exchanging any bodily fluids…
LEONARD: Really? How?
RAJ: More to the point, WHY?
SHELDON: Outsourcing! (He holds up box) Think about it. If robots can replace manufacturing and assembly lines, and if computers can calculate Quasar gravitational fields, who's to say they can't also replace Man in the bedroom?
LEONARD: (Closing his eyes and shaking his head) Sheldon…
SHELDON: No, I'm serious! This gives Amy the satisfaction and release that she's looking for, I no longer have to be hounded to engage in intimate activity that I find disgusting and unappealing –
RAJ: That's only because you haven't even TRIED it yet!
SHELDON: I know! (Nods and smiles) And the best part now is I WON'T EVEN HAVE TO!
LEONARD: Sheldon, this is a bad idea…
RAJ: He's right –
SHELDON: Nonsense!
(A black female salesclerk passes by)
SHELDON: Excuse me, miss? (Grabs another box off the shelf) May I ask which of these two devices you would prefer to use in the privacy of your own home?
CLERK 4: Excuse me?!
SHELDON: I'm trying to make a purchase for my fiancé –
CLERK 4: (Relieved) Oh. And you want to buy her something that will make your wedding night fun memorable, is that it?
SHELDON: Oh, no. I want something that will make it unnecessary!
CLERK 4: (Pausing) Excuse me again?
LEONARD: Sheldon –
SHELDON: (Ignoring him) Yes, I want to outsource my wedding night sexual congress. Now, be a dear and tell me which of these two items you would prefer. (Holds both boxes up) Or should I conclude based on your apparent pigment level that you would prefer one of the larger devices my friend keeps bringing up that he saw in the back room?
CLERK 4: (Offended) EXCUSE ME?!
SHELDON: (Nodding toward the rear of the store) You know. Back there? (Nods to RAJ) I understand the word "super colossal" applies quite readily!
CLERK 4: (Shaking her head) Uh, I'm sorry. I just work here during the weekends. You'll need to talk to one of the regulars!
SHELDON: You mean you don't work here full time?
CLERK 4: Oh, no. I work at Cal-Tech as a technical supervisor. (All groan. The clerk pats SHELDON'S shoulder) But hey, good luck! (Moves off)
RAJ: Great. She works at the university where WE work…
LEONARD: Relax! She's not anyone in the physics department, so we probably don't have anything to worry about.
SHELDON: Leonard's right. (Raises himself up) And besides! We're normal, healthy men! We are simply coming to a store like this to explore our natural biological impulses! There's absolutely nothing for us to be embarrassed about!
(HOWARD stumbles over into view – still blindfolded - and crashes into the nearest shelf display, sending items everywhere. The other patrons stare.)
HOWARD: (To everyone in the store) SORRY! I just lost my balance! I'm trying to find my friends so they can help me into one of the dressing rooms!
LEONARD: (Grabbing him and hissing) Howard!
HOWARD: Oh, sorry! NEVER MIND, EVERYBODY! LEONARD'S GOT ME!
(The clerk returns)
CLERK 4: Excuse me, sir? Are you okay?
LEONARD: He's fine.
HOWARD: (Still blindfolded) Yes, I'm fine. Now, can any of you please show me to the dressing room where my mother is?
CLERK 4: EXCUSE ME?!
LEONARD: Never mind. We were just leaving!
SHELDON: No! We can't leave yet! I still need to make my purchase of this sexual device! (Pauses) It's my bachelor party, after all!
CLERK 4: Okay, hold on a moment! All of you! (Looks at SHELDON) Let me get this straight. You're here for YOUR bachelor party – (Turns to LEONARD) YOU'RE helping him pick something out for his fiancé instead of doing something normal like getting a movie for you all to watch – (Turns to HOWARD) YOU'RE trying to find your MOTHER here while being BLINDFOLDED – (Turns to RAJ) and – and you? What are YOU doing here in all of this?
RAJ: (Smiles weakly. Nods.)
SHELDON: He doesn't say much. He's very shy.
CLERK 4: Yeah, we get that from a lot of guys after they visit the back room. Come on, let's get you boys checked out. (Pauses) Mr. Rosenberg? The store manager wants to see you, by the way.
LEONARD: (Quizzically) Mr. Rosenberg?
HOWARD: (Giving up) Yes! Yes, it's my alias! Okay? Are you happy now? This is where Bernie and I come to get our newlywed freak on!
RAJ: (Pausing and excited) Wait, BERNADETTE comes here with you?!
HOWARD: (Pulling off blindfold) No! Are you kidding!
SHELDON: Actually, that makes sense. (Hefts his box) Despite what we might otherwise think, most women prefer not to set foot in establishments such as these since they obviously cater more to the male fantasy ideal than the female.
MRS. WOLOWITZ: (Off camera) HOWARD?! I THINK I GOT MY ZIPPER UNSTUCK!
HOWARD: (Facepalming) I may never have another erection again as long as I live…
(Cut to: Commercial break)