101 WAYS TO RID THE WORLD OF A GREASY GIT
By Harry James Potter
For the record, to anyone reading this list I have to state that I am not a cold blooded killer and I have no plans to actually murder Professor Snape despite the fact that he deserves it. I do not wish to go to Azkaban, although come to think of it I could probably just escape now the dementors have left. Actually if anyone else has this list GET YOUR BLOODY HANDS OFF IT, unless of course you hate Snape as much as I do, which I seriously doubt is possible right now, unless of course your name is Ron or Hermione in which case feel free to add your own ideas to the list.
Death to the greasy git I say!
Hermione: I really don't think that you should do this at all, Harry. Think of all the trouble you could get into if anyone else ever gets their hands on the list and besides, I know Professor Snape is a little harder on you than he is on the rest of us but he's a teacher and deserves our respect.
Ron: Come on Mione, the git took fifty points off Gryffindor because Harry was breathing and then purposely dropped Harry's potion on the ground and failed him for the week.
Harry: Not to mention took more house points off Gryffindor because I apparently made a mess of his classroom.
Hermione: I don't know…….
Harry: Come on, Mione. This is purely therapeutic. What was it you said to Zacharais Smith when we were signing that parchment for the DA last year? It's not as if I'll be stupid enough to just leave it lying around. I would also like to know why we are writing messages to each other when we are the only ones in the common room.
Ron: Didn't you start that, Harry?
Harry: The message I wrote on at the start of the list was to anyone that might get their hands on the list, not just to you and Mione.
Hermione: We're writing this conversation down because of the awful trouble that we could get in if anyone overhears us and tells Professor McGonagall.
Ron: We could get in awful trouble if anyone gets their hands on this list as well.
Harry: Not helping Ron. You guys know I'm not going to leave the list lying around. Come on, please Mione. I have to do this but I can't do it without your help. Think of all the times he's called you an insufferable know-it-all. You know you want to help.
Hermione: I'm probably going to regret this later but all right. Who's going to start?
Transfigure my eyes brown and walk into class. The bastard would die of shock. (H.P.)
Hermione: No he wouldn't, he'd take more house points off Gryffindor for being an idiot. Your father didn't have a lightning bolt shaped scar on his head.
Harry: It's still a nice thought.
Introduce him to Grawp. (R.W.)
Hermione: That would be bad. Think of how devastated Hagrid would be if his brother got into trouble for killing someone.
Harry: Mione, if you're so determined to refute every idea that we come up with, why don't you contribute something yourself.
Hermione: Oh, get a life Harry. You do know we're only on number two, don't you? I haven't even had a go yet.
Ron: I can't believe that I get to be the one to say this for once but can you two please stop fighting and start acting you age? We're going to run out of parchment before we reach number ten the way you two are going.
Have Ron turn his homework in on time and perfect. He'd die of shock. (H.G.)
Ron: Oi! What are you saying about my potions ability?
Harry: That you suck?
Ron: So do you.
Hermione: Ronald, what was it you were saying about running out of parchment?
Ron: Fine then. Never call me Ronald again, by the way.
Make him drink a pepper-up potion or something of the sort that he didn't brew himself because according to him everyone else in the world but him are incompetent potion makers and everything they come up with would probably be fatal. (R.W.)
Harry: Bitter much, there my friend?
Ron: Shut up Harry.
Write a letter to Voldemort telling him that Snape's a spy. (H.P.)
Hermione: Harry! That's awful. What would Professor Dumbledore say?
Harry: I don't know and I don't care. It's not as if I'm ever planning on showing the headmaster this list anyway. Besides, even if I did he'd probably just give me a speech about how disappointed he is in me and that I can't expect to be treated like a normal person by the greasy git because my father was a jerk at school.
Hermione: Still, you won't actually do this, will you?
Harry: Read the disclaimer at the top, Hermione. This is purely therapeutic.
Ron: You know I'm really not sure that it is, mate. In fact, this is kind of disturbing. Your eyes are glazed over like you're really enjoying this.
Harry: That was kind of the point Ronald.
Ron: Oi! The same goes for you as what I said to Mione. Never, ever call me that. Hang on, I've got a good one!
Harry could snog him. He'd die of shock and embarrassment. (R.W.)
Harry: Ewwwwwwwe! Then I'd die too. Why do you hate me?
Ron: You called me Ronald and going on that logic I have another idea.
Hermione could offer to have his babies. (R.W.)
Hermione: Honestly!
Lock him in a room with Filch. That would kill anyone. (H.G.)
Ron: I thought you said we were supposed to respect staff members.
Hermione: I said we had to respect teachers. Filch isn't a teacher.
Harry: He tried a bit too hard to scan Mione with his sensor this morning, Ron. She's kind of bitter at the moment.
Lock him in a room with one thousand rogue bludgers. (H.P.)
Hermione: Trust you to come up with a quidditch related death.
Harry: I can't help it, Mione. It's who I am.
Lock him in a room with Fred, George and one thousand rogue bludgers. (R.W.)
Hermione: While that would probably kill Snape faster you do realise that your brothers would die in the process as well.
Ron: That's kind of the point, Mione. Look at what they just sent me!
Harry: That's a really good look, mate.
Hermione: I can't see a difference.
Ron: I hate you Mione.
Send him a love letter signed Draco Malfoy. (H.P.)
Hermione: How would that kill Snape?
Harry: He likes Malfoy, just not in that way. Actually I'm pretty sure that Malfoy is his godson. He'd either die of shock or yell and scream about what he'd received, Lucius Malfoy would hear about it and come kill Snape for implying that his son was gay. Come to think of it we'd probably get rid of the ferret that way as well. His father or Snape would be sure to kill him.
Ron: Brilliant.
Somehow inject him with basilisk venom during a quidditch match. (H.P.)
Hermione: Why?
Harry: Trust me, getting infected with basilisk venom isn't a bed of roses. It hurts like a bitch actually and during a quidditch match Fawkes wouldn't be on hand to heal him.
Ron: Maximum exposure there, too. Most of the school could enjoy the demise of the greasy git.
Harry: Exactly.
Hermione: How would you inject him with the venom, though without killing yourselves or letting anyone else know that you were the one that had injected him?
Harry: That could be a problem.
Get Fred and George to inject him with basilisk venom during a quidditch match. (R.W.)
Hermione: Get over it already, Ronald. Your brothers turned you pink but that's no reason to want them dead or in Azkaban.
Ron: I thought I told you not to call me that name.
Ask Professor Dumbledore to finally give him the Defence against the Dark Arts job. He'd die of shock. (H.G.)
Harry: No! It'd ruin my favourite subject and he'd die happy.
Ron: I wonder if happy is an emotion the git's actually capable of. By the way, Mione I agree with Harry on this one. That is, quite possibly, the worst idea that you've ever come up with.
Hermione: Well one of you come up something better.
Ron: Fine, I will then.
Stab him through the heart with a wooden stake. (R.W.)
Harry: To take a leaf out of Mione's book, why?
Ron: Isn't that how vampires are killed?
Harry: In the muggle world, yes but I refuse to believe that Snape's a vampire. I know he looks like one and acts like one but if he was a vampire that would mean that he has a heart and that's just not possible.
Hermione: Honestly, Harry. I think what Ron's trying to imply in his odd little way is that Snape's evil enough to be a vampire.
Harry: Careful there, Mione. I'm not sure whether that's respectful.
Hermione: Shut up Harry.
Cut his hands and feet off and then banish him into the lake. (H.P.)
Hermione: What?
Harry: He couldn't swim without his arms and legs and even if he found a way he'd die from blood loss sooner or later.
Hermione: I see.
Invent a spell so that looks really could kill. (R.W.)
Harry: And you're going to do that, are you?
Hermione: Somehow I can't imagine Snape being the only person that dropped dead in that situation. Hogwarts would be a ghost town. At least come up with something that's a little bit more plausible.
Ron: Why don't you?
Push him off the astronomy tower. (H.G.)
Ron: That's soooo boring, Mione.
Harry: Why do you always have to go for the obvious answers?
Lock him in a room with Fluffy but with no harp. (H.P.)
Hermione: That's barbaric!
Harry: It'd be poetic. Let Fluffy finish the job he didn't do back in first year.
Lock him in his dungeons and leave him to rot. He'd starve to death or die of dehydration sooner or later. (R.W.)
Hermione: Charming, Ron. Really, really charming.
Ron: I think Bill said something about a Hufflepuff student dying like that when he was in sixth or seventh year. I think Snape had started teaching by then. I wonder if the greasy git locked the kid down there?
Hermione: Ron!
Crush puking pastilles into his breakfast. (H.P.)
Ron: That's just disgusting.
Harry: It'd be effective, though. There wouldn't be any need to tell him about the antidote so he'd keep throwing up and sooner or later he'd throw his internal organs up.
Hermione: Lovely, Harry. Really.
Snap his wand and set a pack of dementors on him.
Harry: What are you, Umbridge?
Ron: That's just mean, Harry. And besides, Mione you know that wouldn't work. Snape doesn't have a soul for them to suck out.
Open a Hogwarts Kindergarten and tell Snape he has to run it. (H.P.)
Hermione: That'd mean loads of little kids would die, not Snape.
Harry: He might consider suicide, though.
Crush Gillyweed into his breakfast. (H.P.)
Hermione: You like the idea of poisoning his food, don't you Harry?
Ron: What good would that do?
Harry: Use your brain, Ron. He'd develop gills in the middle of the great hall and by the time he got himself to either the lake or his bathroom he'd probably have suffocated.
Ron: That's not actually a bad idea.
Harry: Thanks.
Drop Trelawney's crystal ball collection on his head; Death for the suckiest teacher at Hogwarts by the suckiest subject at Hogwarts. (H.P.)
Ron: Cool.
Somehow force him to break into McGonagall's office and steal the quidditch cup. (H.P.)
Hermione: What good would that do?
Harry: She likes having the cup in her office so would murder whoever took it, especially if we also made him say that he took it because he was going to receive it at the next final anyway. You know McGonagall and Snape are just as much into the Gryffindor-Slytherin rivalry as we are.
Hermione: That's true, I guess. So what next?
Harry: Well I note I'm the only one to have come up with any ideas in the last little while. Why don't you two put something now.
Neville: Can I have a go?
Ron: Bloody hell Neville. Where did you come from?
Harry: I'm guessing he came from the dormitory or through the portrait hole. One of the two. Unless of course he levitated himself through the window.
Ron: Harry?
Harry: What?
Ron: Shut up.
Neville: So can I have a go? It says on the front page that if you hate Snape as much as you do, Harry, anyone can have a go.
Harry: Sure, let's see what you've got.
Bash him over the head with a cauldron until his head falls off. (N.L.)
Actually cut his head off. (N.L.)
Have Peeves bash him over the head with suits of armour until his head falls off. (N.L.)
Bash him over the head with Peeves until his head falls off. (N.L.)
Hermione: Ummm, Neville are you okay?
Harry: Of course he isn't, Mione. What did the greasy git do this time, Nev?
Neville: Professor Sprout's sick so he took over Herbology today. We were repotting Mandrakes again and the git actually accused me of trying to kill him. Is it my problem that his head's too freaking greasy for a pair of earmuffs to stay on? Without his head he wouldn't have that problem.
Harry: Without his head he wouldn't be able to talk to take house points off me, either.
Hermione: Cutting his head off would be messy, though.
Kill him with a mandrake. (R.W.)
Hermione: Why would you write that, Ron?
Ron: It just seemed right after what Neville said.
Neville: Thanks Ron."
Steal Umbridge's blood quill and make him write 'I am a Greasy Git' until he dies of blood loss. (H.P.)
Steal Umbridge's blood quill and make him write 'Gryffindor Rules' until he dies of blood loss. (R.W.)
Steal Umbridge's blood quill and make him write 'I suck at teaching' until he dies of blood loss. (N.L.)
Hermione: That's all well and good coming up with things for him to write but how, exactly, are you planning on stealing the blood quill?
Harry: Mione, I've told you a million times that we're not actually going to do anything that this is just for fun.
Ron: And stop being so practical, Mione. Where are your ideas?
Shoot him with a pistol. (H.G.)
Neville: What's a pistol?
Harry: A muggle weapon used to kill.
Ron: I thought muggle technology didn't work at Hogwarts.
Hermione: Electric muggle items don't work at Hogwarts. Pistol's use gun powder not electricity but if you're going to get all hung up on using muggle items in the magical world how about this?
Shoot him with Hagrid's cross bow. (H.G.)
Harry: But only if Hagrid wasn't going to get the blame.
Hermione: Exactly.
Lock him in a room with Lupin on full moon. (R.W.)
Harry: No! You know how scared Remus is that he'll kill someone or contaminate them with lycanthropy. He'd be gutted, even if it was the greasy git. As much as I hate Snape I couldn't do that to Remus.
Ron: I suppose you're right. It wouldn't do to isolate the only trustworthy werewolf in the world.
Lock him in a room with any werewolf but Lupin on full moon. (R.W.)
Harry: Ron!
Get him so drunk one night that in the morning he can't remember what he did then force Trelawney to tell him that she's pregnant. He'd either die of shock or kill himself. (H.G.)
Harry: I really didn't need those images in my head, Mione.
Hermione: You shouldn't be imagining things like that. It's disgusting.
Transfigure him into some roast meat and feed him to the Slytherin's for dinner. (N.L.)
Ron: That's disgusting but interesting.
Declare that when I leave school I'm going to be a potions maker. That ought to do the bastard in. (N.L.)
Ron: You really don't like the git, do you?
Neville: No, not in the slightest.
Tell him that I'm possessed by the spirit of my dead godfather. (H.P.)
Hermione: That wouldn't kill him. He'd take away every house point Gryffindor has and get you detentions every night until you graduate.
Harry: Harsh, by probably true.
Have so many people use the legimincy curse on him at the same time that his head explodes. (H.P.)
Hermione: Weren't you the one that accused Ron of being bitter?
Harry: Shut up Mione.
Use Arvada Kedarva on him. (R.W.)
Hermione: Ron!
Ron: What? I just thought that I'd put it out there. It's the most obvious option of them all and we haven't out it on the list yet.
Harry: But this is supposed to be fun and that's just boring.
Neville: I've got to agree with Harry on that one. By the way Ron, why are you pink?
Ron: Arrrrrgh!
Feed him a love potion and set him on Fred and/or George. (R.W.)
Hermione: Ron!
Harry: Your brothers turned you pink. Get over it. You wouldn't wish a fate like that on Fred and George, would you?
Ron: I so would.
Transfigure one of Fred and George's fireworks into some food and let him eat it. Then we could just sit back and watch the git explode. (N.L.)
Hermione: Again with the mess factor.
Neville: Sorry.
Transfigure him into Voldemort and let someone else kill him. (H.P.)
Harry: Ha! I saw you smile at that one, Mione. You are enjoying this. See, I told you this would be therapeutic for everyone involved.
Hermione: Except maybe Snape. I wonder whether his ears are burning right now.
Neville: Why would his ears be burning?
Ron: That's not actually a bad idea.
Set him on fire. (R.W.)
Hermione: You stole my idea!
Ron: I just got in first. Suck it up, Mione.
Stun him and then stick him head first into a full cauldron. He always says that potion class is going to be the death of him. I bet you anything he didn't think it literally would be. (N.L.)
Hermione: There are too many witnesses in class. You'd have to get him when he's alone.
Steal one of Hagrid's blast-ended skrewts and stick it in his bed. (H.G.)
Ron: Brilliant!
Ginny: What's brilliant?
Ron: Nothing. Go away Ginny.
Ginny: No. I want to know what's going on.
Harry: Here, read the disclaimer first then tell us if you've got any ideas.
Ginny: As much as I hate to agree with my moron brother this really is brilliant.
Neville: So have you got any ideas?
Ginny: As if you even have to ask.
Set a Hungarian Horntail on him. (G.W.)
Harry: Cool! Why didn't I think of that?
Ron: Cause you're an idiot?
Harry: Shut up, Ron or I'll ask your sister to set a Horntail on you.
Ginny: Or I could just stick mum on him. Actually that's another idea.
Set mum on him when she's angry. (G.W.)
Hermione: Ginny!
Ginny: What?
Hermione: That's an awful thing to say.
Ginny: Oh come on, Mione. You know that mum's like a dragon when she's mad, which come to think of it is most of the time.
Stun him and leave him outside for a few days. (H.P.)
Ron: What good would that do?
Harry: He'd drown or die of hypothermia eventually. I don't think Scotland's grasped the concept of nice whether yet.
Neville: Good point.
Have the lake monster strangle him. (R.W.)
Hermione: The lake monster doesn't speak English or any language that I know of. How are you going to convince it to strangle Snape? More to the point how are you going to convince it to get out of the lake to strangle Snape or Snape to get into the lake to be strangled?
Ron: Shut up or come up with some ideas of your own.
Drown him in one of Fred and George's swamps. (G.W.)
Hermione: The swamps are too recognisable. People would work out who had done it in a second.
Ginny: Does she always do this?
Ron: All the time.
Hermione: Shut up Ronald.
Ron: Oi!
Stab him in the ear with a brooch pin. (H.G.)
Neville: Why?
Hermione: Stab him in the ear and the pin goes through to his brain so he dies instantly. If there's any blood it's internally so it's nice and tidy.
Ron: But then people might not even know he's been murdered.
Hermione: That was kind of the point, Ronald.
Ron: Shut up, Mione.
Harry: Shut up both of you.
Push him into a volcano. (H.P.)
Ginny: And there's a volcano nearby, is there?
Neville: Not you too.
De-age him to toddler size. I bet he was a horrible kid. Someone'll be sure to kill him. (N.L.)
Hermione: No one would kill an innocent child.
Harry: If they knew it was Snape they might.
Have moaning Myrtle cry on him so hard that he drowns. (R.W.)
Ginny: Does she actually produce tears or just moan?
Harry: I don't know but it's a nice thought.
Let him sample Aunt Petunia's cooking. Actually that's a fate worse than death. (H.P.)
Hermione: Come on, she can't be that bad, can she?
Harry: Ever wonder why I do as much as possible of the cooking when you guys haven't sent me any food recently?
Hermione: Oh.
Feed him to Aragog. (R.W.)
Hermione: Ron, that's barbaric.
Ron: Mione, I'm pretty sure you've already said that several times about Harry's and my ideas.
Ginny: And Hagrid would be upset.
Force him to walk into the Whomping Willow. (R.W.)
Hermione: Mess!
Lock him in the Chamber of Secrets. (H.G.)
Harry: But what if Voldemort comes to try and save him? I'm not the only one that can open the chamber, you know?
Lock him in a room with Sir Cadagon's portrait. He'd kill himself just so he didn't have to listen to the lunatic rant. (N.L.)
Ron: Not bad but I still don't think that any way where the git kills himself is creative enough.
Give him a love potion and then set him on a centaur. The Umbridge would have him killed for loving a half-breed. (H.G.)
Neville: That creates some disturbing images in my mind, Mione. Really, really disturbing.
Push him off the astronomy tower. (R.W.)
Hermione: Ron! I already used that one ages ago and you said it was a terrible idea.
Ron: Well I've changed my mind. I've decided it's nice, simple and possibly poetic.
Hermione: I've changed my mind as well. It would never work. What would the potions teacher ever be doing up on the astronomy tower?
Bludgeon him to death with a beater's bat. (G.W.)
Hermione: Do I really have to keep repeating myself? Mess, Ginny!
Harry: What is it with you and cleanliness today?
Ginny: Yeah, I've been inside your dorm, Mione and it's really not all that tidy.
Hermione: Shut up all of you.
Steal one of the merpeople's tridents and stab him with it. (H.P.)
Hermione: You just said that to annoy me, didn't you?
Harry: Is it working?
Hermione: Shut up, Harry.
Have Hermione answer a question incorrectly in class. The shock or the joy would kill him. (R.W.)
Hermione: It would also lower my grade-average.
Borrow Hagrid's herd of hippogriffs and have them trample him. (R.W.)
Hermione: We can't do that. It got Hagrid in enough trouble and upset him enough when just one hippogriff injured someone. Imagine what would happen if all of them were blamed for killing someone.
Ron: True
Trap him in the cave Sirius lived in and leave him to rot. It would be poetic. (H.P.)
Hermione: And as long as we never went to the cave again there'd be no mess for us to clean up.
Neville: Did you just agree with an idea, Mione?
Ginny: The apocalypse has occurred.
Hermione: Shut up
Literally take a wrecking ball to him. (H.P.)
Ginny: What's a wrecking ball?
Hermione: A huge, metal ball that muggles use to knock down buildings.
Ron: Awesome.
Literally take a wrecking ball to him. (R.W.)
Harry: Oi!
Ron: What? It's a good idea. It seemed worth mentioning twice.
Hermione: So you're stealing Harry's ideas now as well as mine. Are you going to take Neville and Ginny's as well?
Ron: If they're worth it.
Transfigure him into a bone and feed him to Fang. (H.G.)
Ron: So it's okay for Fang to eat Snape but not Malfoy and his goons?
Hermione: Fang's a dog!
Harry: It bears a disturbing resemblance to Crouch junior as well, to be honest.
Hermione: Oh yeah!
Bury him alive with the gold for Hagrid's Nifflers. (N.L.)
Ginny: Work's for me, although I guess there's a chance that he could be dug back up if the Nifflers are let loose too soon.
Neville: Well we'll just have to make sure he really is dead, won't we?
Harry: You two do know that we're not actually going to do this, right?
Ginny: Spoil my fun, why don't you?
Turn him to stone and smash him. (G.W.)
Ron: See, she's nuts! This is what I was saying at breakfast.
Ginny: Do the words bat bogey hex mean anything to you dear brother?
Push him down the stairs. (H.P.)
Neville: He only ever spends time in the Great Hall or the Dungeons, though and the stairs down to the dungeons aren't very steep.
Harry: True.
Transfigure his morning pumpkin juice into acid so when he drinks it his insides will be burnt out. (N.L.)
Hermione: Back to the whole barbaric thing!
Drop an entire stack of textbooks on him. (R.W.)
Ginny: What?
Ron: Well if you get enough people's books he'll be crushed by them.
Ginny: That's just stupid.
Ron: Shut up it is not!
Ginny: Is too.
Harry: Shut up the both of you.
Feed him such a large dose of sleeping draught that he never wakes up. (N.L.)
Hermione: But where would you get the large amount of potion from? Or would you just get some badly made sleeping draught because then you wouldn't need as much to kill him.
Harry: Again, Mione. This is just for fun. It's purely hypothetical.
Just find a knife and ram in through his ribs. (R.W.)
Hermione: Ron!
Ron: Well I realised we've had some stabbing ideas but not actually with a knife. This just seemed the simplest plan possible.
Run him over with the Knight Bus (H.P.)
Harry: And then, Mione it wouldn't be our fault he was dead so even if it was messy we wouldn't have to clean it up.
Hermione: It's still pretty awful, though.
Transfigure him into a broom and ask Hagrid if he wants to play a game of quidditch. (G.W.)
Ron: We'd have to make sure that Hagrid never found out what his broom really was, though. He'd get too emotional and never be able to keep it a secret if he found out he'd killed someone even if it was the greasy git.
Harry: Yeah.
Transfigure him into a bludger and use him in a quidditch game. (H.P.)
Hermione: Enough with the quidditch related deaths!
Harry: But they're fun!
Transfigure him into a quaffle for a quidditch game. (R.W.)
Ginny: Ron, stop trying to wind Mione up."
Ron: I am not.
Ginny: yes you are.
Hermione: You are and it's working. Shut up.
Neville: I'm surrounded by children.
Decorate his quarters with pictures of all of us and use a permanent sticking charm. He'd go mad and die or kill himself eventually. (H.G.)
Harry: Not bad, Mione. I'm impressed.
Charm him to only be able to say 'Cornelius Fudge is a dickhead.' (H.P.)
Hermione Granger: He'd probably get an Order of Merlin, not a death sentence with what Scrimengor's been saying about Fudge lately.
Harry: Umbridge still works for the ministry, doesn't she?
Force him to go an entire lesson without taking any house points from Gryffindor. (R.W.)
Harry: Yeah right. He'd have to be dead already before that ever happened.
Strangle him with devil's snare. (N.L.)
Ginny: We'd have to snap his wand first or else he'd be able to use it to make fire and escape.
Put skeele-grow in his morning pumpkin juice. (H.P.)
Hermione: Why?
Harry: I don't really know what would happen if he took some of that without having anything broken but it doesn't seem like a good thing. Hopefully it would kill him.
Use him as a human shield next time someone aims an AK curse at me. (H.P.)
Ron: 'Cause we all know that's never going to happen.
Hermione: Shut up Ron.
Seal him in a car and then put the car in a car compressor. (H.P.)
Ron: What's a car compressor?
Hermione: It's a machine that crushes cars when they're too old to be used anymore. And Harry, as long as there's no evidence that's a good idea.
Harry: Cool, thanks.
Push him through the veil in the Department of Mysteries. (H.P.)
Hermione: Harry…….
Harry: I'm not being bitter, Mione. I'm just saying that we all know it's effective at killing people.
Hermione: True. If you're okay, then.
Harry: I am, really.
Cut his leg off. (G.W.)
Ron: Why?
Ginny: He wouldn't be able to go and get medical help and he'd die of blood loss sooner or later.
Ron: Oh
Send him a birthday card from Voldemort. He'd either think something really bad was happening and kill himself or die of shock. It wouldn't even matter if we got his birthday right or not. (N.L.)
Tell the house elves that he wants to give them clothes. (R.W.)
Hermione: Ron, do you want a slap in the face?
Ron: No.
Hermione: Then change your attitude to house elves, please.
Ron: Yes Mione.
Tell the house elves that he wants to take over all the chores in the castle.
Hermione: Ron!
Ron: Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
Tell Dumbledore he said lemon drops are disgusting. (H.P.)
Harry: Oh come on, Mione. The headmaster's obsessed enough with them to kill over them.
Tell him he can never brew a potion again. (H.G.)
Ron: What did I say about suicide ideas?
Hermione: Don't try and be sarcastic Ronald. It doesn't suit you.
Ron: Don't call me that.
Ginny: Don't start, either of you.
Lock him in a room with Bellatrix Lestrange. She hates everyone that could potentially be higher up in Voldemort's favour than she is. (G.W.)
Neville: Actually she hates everyone.
Hermione could brew a potion incorrectly and we could do it perfectly. (N.L.)
Harry: You know what? I've just realised that this whole list is a bad idea.
Neville: Why? You started it.
Harry: But the greasy git's such a bastard he'd probably be waiting to make us miserable in the afterlife when we eventually die.
Ron: You're right, mate. Do you want to go get a quidditch game in before dinner?
Hermione: You've both got assignments to do, you know.
Ron: Yeah but it's potions and lets face it, when do I ever get that in on time?