A/N: Thanks to some of the reviews I got I was able to get ideas ^^
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Envy decided, finally, after a long time, to turn himself into Roy Mustang. And then he dialed the number.
Envy's POV
As soon as the pipqueak picked up, I interrupted his greeting with, "Fullmetal, I need you to do me a favor." In an extremely laid back voice, that unmistakably sounded like Mustang's when he tried to get something out of someone without sounding too direct.
"Colonel?" Edward asked incredulously.
"I need you to do some gift shopping for me, there's a huge once-in-a-year sale this week that can't be missed." I continued.
"What am I, you're errand boy?" Ed replied bluntly. "And no thanks, I'm not going shopping for you."
"It's an order."
"This has nothing to do with the military!"
"I sighed. "The truth is, since the stores are going to be so crowded, I figured you could get around with no trouble, you're so small—"
"WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE CALLING—"
I held the phone away from his ear a good two feet beforehand. I knew I'd struck a nerve.
"—SMALL, HUH? I'M STILL GROWING YOU BASTARD!"
I grimaced. Was it really that insulting to be called small? Rolling my eyes, I said, "You need to accept that you're a little short for your age, Fullmetal."
"Are you trying to make fun of me, Colonel? Well, before you do, YOU NEED TO ACCEPT THAT YOU'RE A SOGGY MATCH WHEN YOU'RE COVERED IN WATER!"
I muted the call and laughed so hard, it took me a lot of effort looked up to see the others' faces. It was worth annoying the pipsqueak just to hear that. I then realized he had hung up on me, or should I say, the colonel.
But I wasn't finished just yet.
After I changed my appearance a second time, Pride said, frowning slightly as he closely observed, "Something looks different..."
"Yeah, is it just me, or are you shorter than the real Ed?" Greed asked.
"Whatever, short is short," I shrugged and redialed. "Makes no difference to me."
"What a thoughtful thing to say," Pride replied sarcastically, cocking his head in mock wonder. Oh, I almost forgot that he was a midget as well.
On the third ring, Ed answered. "I swear, if it's the Colonel again.." he was saying to someone. "..Hello?"
"Hello?" I imitated.
"Who is it?" a voice that sounded a lot like the pipsqueak's brother asked in the background.
"It's no one." Ed replied. "The call probably got forwarded."
Of course, I wasn't going to let him hang up that easily this time. "Meow," I said loudly, into the phone. Lust raised an eyebrow, and gave me a "wtf?" look. I shrugged.
"What was that?" Ed demanded. "Al, are you hiding another cat somewhere?"
"What? No! Don't look at me," Alphonse said defensively. "It's coming from the phone."
"That doesn't make sense, I'm pretty sure the call was hollow, it even echoed my voice."
"Meow," I repeated.
Ed yelled in surprise, "What the hell is that?"
"Surely something better than yourself?"
"Excuse me?"
"Excuse me?"
"Nii-san, it sounds like your voice." Alphonse said, with a hint of amusement.
"What? That's impossible!"
"What? That's impossible!"
"And you!" Ed shouted at me through the phone. "Who do you think you are? You're not funny, you know."
"Hmm, like you are." I said sarcastically. Maybe I could poke at him just a little more.
"Just who do you think you are?!"
"Edward Elric," I fought laughter. "Also known as the Fullmetal Alchemist."
"That's MY name, and MY title!"
"..No, smart-ass, it's mine."
Ed apparently lost it, and started shouting a tangle of incoherent curse words at me. Al said hastily, "Nii-san, just ignore it and hang up."
"..Yeah, hang up," I encouraged in a sing-song voice. It seemed he took his brother's word for it, because the screen went white and changed back to the contact's list.
I turned back into my cute form and grinned up at the other Homunculi. "Admit it, wasn't that a good impersonation?"
"Are you expecting applause or something? It was passable, but barely." Lust shrugged, to which I frowned. That bitch, even though she was the second oldest after Pride, she always thought she was better than all of us, well, not as much as Pride did, but enough to make me hate her to no end. You know how they say the younger siblings turn out to be spoiled? Well it doesn't apply to our situation. "It's my turn now." She held out a hand.
"Whoa, hold on, who said it was your turn?" Greed scowled.
"I said it. Now give me the phone, Envy.
"Yeah right, I'm going to give it to you. I'm not finished yet! Besides, Lust, you may look good, but I seriously doubt you have a sense of humor." I turned my back on them.
"What?! You had two turns!" Lust said furiously. "I want to go next!"
"No I'm going to go next!" Greed argued.
"You can go after me! I am going next!"
"I want to go!" Gluttony interrupted. We blinked at him in surprised.
"Gluttony?" Lust asked, also taken aback.
"Yeah what's with the sudden interest in something you can't eat?"
"What?" he asked nervously. "I never get to do anything by myself... even when I go outside, one of you... one of you has to look after me."
"..But who are you going to call?"
"Probably the pizza place. Or some 24/7 fast food restaurant that serves humans." I joked. Seriously though, who was he going to call? "Anyways, none of you are going to get this, because I have it right here, and I'm not giving it to any of you—"
I realized before I finished my sentence that the cell phone was no longer in my hands. "Ha! It was MY phone to begin with, so I get to go next!" yelled Greed, waving the cell phone at me.
"Uh, no, last time I checked, it belongs to the prince whose body you're currently inhabiting." Lust pointed out.
"Same thing!" he scowled.
"Well I came up with the idea to make prank calls!" Lust held out her hand and her nails extended into shiny blades. If she was going to get serious and use her Ultimate Spear...
"Give me that! It was in MY hands!" I ran towards Greed in an attempt to snatch the phone away, when—
Sometimes you can see things happen in slow motion. And according to how I saw it, THIS WAS ONE OF THOSE TIMES. The cell phone flew into the air and fell to the ground as a sharp, black, razor-like thing flew past me in a blur and knocked it out of Greed's hands. All of us turned around to see Pride sitting on the couch, his arms crossed, with his snake-like shadows covered with multiple purplish-red eyes and sharp, bared teeth that appeared to be grinning.
"You're making a fuss," he said, looking annoyed.
It was all so fast, unlike a minute ago when I saw things happen slowly, that none of us registered what was happening until it did happen. What I could understand was that we had tried to make a grab at the fallen phone at the same time, and the table with snacks was knocked over. All the food slid off the table...
...land landed on Pride.
As a result, his clothes were soaked, the carpet around him was stained and the remaining food littered the floor. Cake and soda dripped from his face and hair, and the popcorn, along with everything else that was in the dip stuck to the sugar and cheese that had caked his clothes. Shock and confusion written all over his face. Most of all, he looked like a freaking laughingstock.
...If you chose to ignore the disturbing pools of black covered with eyes around him.
For a few awkward seconds, no one said anything.
I couldn't contain my laughter anymore. "AHAHA, HAHAHAHA...you look ridiculous, Pride! HAHAHA...hahaha.. hehe.." And he really did, half of his face was covered in cream and he looked like an idiot.
Just as the words left my mouth, Pride's expression turned from shock into rage. The eyes in his shadows flashed angrily. My laughter died down and I stopped smiling, backing away slowly.
Maybe you would underestimate Pride the first time you saw him. He looks like a kid, well he has looked like a kid all his life, really, but he's around 400 years old. He can be a nightmare when he really wants to. And the best thing to do when he gets mad is stay away from him.
So, the next thing we did was run.
"I AM GOING TO KILL ALL OF YOU!" he screeched, releasing all of the terrifying shadows that were covered with the eyes and teeth. Seriously, even if his shadows weren't intimidating enough, his voice is enough to send chills down anyone's back. And unfortunately, there were no light switches to shut off the lights. We all screamed and took cover, except for Sloth, who was still sleeping, oblivious to anything that had just happened.
Gluttony accidentally tripped over the fallen table and Pride's shadows sliced through it a second after he had scrambled up and ran after us, as he usually does, on all fours. They lashed out on the chairs, curtains, and the decor on the walls.
"Calm down, Pride; at this rate you're gonna tear down the building!" Lust shrieked.
Just then, the door opened and Wrath was standing in front of it. Everyone, including Pride, froze.
"I knew the the six of you could make a hell lot of noise, but it sounds like you've released a bunch of circus animals." he was saying, shaking his head with his eyes closed. "Do try to keep it down—" when he opened his eyes, he immediately stopped talking.
Another few seconds of silence passed, and our dear youngest brother turned calmly closed the door.
Pride's shadows retreated as he walked towards the door that Wrath had just closed, seething with anger. "You five are going to clean up this mess. I am going to go change." He slammed the door shut behind him.
"How are we supposed to clean this up without anything?" I demanded. "And it's not 'five' it's four because SLOTH IS F*CKING SLEEPING!"
"Don't waste your breath trying to wake him up, the only ones he actually listens to are Father and Pride." Greed muttered.
"So, how are we going to even clean this up? I'm not touching the food." I kicked a can across the room.
"Can I eat it? All of it?" asked Gluttony all of a sudden.
"Are you mentally ill, or something, of course n— wait, on second thought, you can eat all of it~" I grinned.
Pride's POV
"Those..those.." I couldn't even find the right words to describe my hate towards them right now. I looked like a clown, and every mirror I passed I couldn't bear to keep my eyes on longer than a second. "I'm going to show them..."
I threw open the door to the store room that led outside and came face to face with none other than... Edward Elric.
I jumped back in surprise. Surely I was seeing things. Yes, that was it. I guess stupidity truly is contagious, because I believe that I caught it from my siblings.
"Selim— I mean, Pride?" he asked, mirroring my shock. "Whoa, what happened to your face? Did you crash into a food cart or something?"
So I wasn't seeing things. "You," I narrowed my eyes suspiciously, ignoring his rather direct and rude question. "What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here."
"Neither are you," he frowned. First of all, his attire was strange. He was wearing a military uniform, which looked odd and out of place on him, and had in his hands a pair of ignition gloves that I was sure belonged to Colonel Mustang. Which was even more suspicious.
"I have my reasons," I crossed my arms. "So why are you here? Weren't you the one who received the two prank calls Envy sent a while ago?"
"Envy was the one who sent both of them? Ugh that dumbass! That short joke wasn't funny, you know— I grew five freaking inches since the first chapter, damn it! Yeah...so why are you covered in food?"
I gritted my teeth and decided to answer him first. "I have a bunch of idiots for siblings, see, who fight over everything. Even Sloth complains about the most easiest tasks he has to perform when he's awake, WHICH IS ALMOST NEVER. I was trying to calm them down like the responsible and sensible older brother I am but no, they refuse to listen and their useless fighting resulted in knocking a table of food down. So I'm the one who gets covered in all of it, therefore, came here to change my clothes and clean my hair. Unfortunately for me, I cannot leave even after I change. My siblings have to spend a night here because Wrath has to work late, and also because they have nothing better to do, and in order for them to do so, my presence was requested.
"Now I told you why I'm here, and also where you received that prank call from. It's time for you to explain."
"I guess I don't have a choice.." Edward frowned again. "Well I thought it was Colonel Mustang who called and it really pissed me off. So I decided to sneak in wearing this uniform, because I'm not supposed to be here at the Central command center. I waited until Al went to his room, because he had a date with May earlier and he already had dinner, and then left the house so I could steal the colonel's emergency ignition gloves, but it turns out he's not here, so..."
I gave him a blank look. "That is the most lame plan to get revenge I have heard of."
Suddenly, we heard footsteps outside. "Hide!" I whispered harshly. We ducked under the desk and kept quiet until the footsteps died down. When we were completely sure it was safe, we crawled out from beneath.
"We have to get out of here. I'm not supposed to be here, and you are not either. If anyone finds me..."
"Afraid of us humans, are you?" Edward jeered.
"It's not that!" I hissed. "If I get found my 'mother' is going to give me a two hour long lecture because I'm supposed to be in bed, which, mind you, requires a painful amount of endurance! And it's all Wrath's and the rest of their fault I'm here in the first place!"
"Hmm, I see. So, I guess I'll leave," he shrugged and was about to leave the room, when I suddenly thought of something.
"Wait, Edward. I have an idea. Come with me after I clean up; I know exactly how to get my siblings back for this.
"He turned to look back at me. "Huh? When did I ever agree to become friends with you, Selim?"
"I am not saying this'll make us friends, or that we are on friendly terms as of the time being— but you don't really like them, do you? And, you'll be able to get back at Envy, right?" I watched him carefully, waiting for a response.
"True, I don't like them," he began. "Well, except for Greed, we're somewhat close.. Okay, then, I'll help you."
"Good," I said, walking over to the cabinet to retrieve the spare clothing belonging to me. "So, here's what I am going to do."
A/N: Short jokes concerning Ed never get old.
And, yes, they are going to continue prank calling, if you're wondering. You're more than welcome to suggest for future chapters XD
What do you think Pride and Ed going to do?
Until next chapter!