Esposito couldn't help but feel out of place.
His colleagues, friends, and family had all been inside when the bomb had detonated.
So many people had died, there were so many funerals in the weeks following that day, so many cops in their dress blues, so many flowers carpeting the street outside the precinct.
So many of those who had survived had suffered life altering injuries, lost limbs, career ending physical and psychological injuries.
But he hadn't been there.
He had escaped with his life and his body intact, suffering from only second-hand trauma from the event.
He watched solemnly from his place opposite the main entrance, as the street filled with familiar faces, many whom were his brothers in arms. The thin blue line was out in force, it always was when it came to remembering their own.
He hated that yet more names of his police family had been added to the Fallen and he couldn't have done anything to stop it. Hated more that he was the only member of his former homicide squad team that still worked in what had been a second home for them all, was the only one who got to see the life affirming process of the precinct being restored to its former state.
Esposito jumped from his car, leaving the engine running and the driver's side door open, running full pelt at the building's entrance, only to be caught under the arms by two detectives before he could even step foot on the first step. He'd been chasing a lead, had heard the radio call of an explosion at the precinct. He'd thrown on his blues and twos and raced back to the 12th as quickly as traffic would allow, desperate to get back and find out what was going on.
"My team are in there!" He shouted, pleaded, begging and he knew it, but in that moment, he didn't care. He couldn't care when his family were in the eye of the storm.
"There are a lot of people in there, you still can't go in until the fire department check it, you know that." The detective to his left told him, though his voice wobbled. None of the people watching could be unaffected. The entire homicide floor had just exploded in front of their very eyes, smoke and debris pouring from the shattered windows of Homicide and the floor below. They were all shaken up, but they all knew better than to charge in there. They were friends, and family, but they had to be cops first, had to supress that protective instinct in them in favour of self-preservation. Who knows what they could be running into.
"I need to get to my team!" Esposito struggled against his captors before slumping, knowing they wouldn't let him go, and knowing that was best. He gently pulled his arms free and stood shoulder to shoulder with his fellow witnesses, only able to watch as the devastation continued.
Behind them, Esposito heard slow, dragged footsteps coming to join them, the noise somehow reaching him through the utter chaos. He turned to find his ashen faced partner coming to his side. Ryan looked up at the building, eyes wide and mouth open, tears already starting to bead in his eyes.
He swallowed hard. "Jenny's in there." He whispered, his entire body trembling, before he fell to his knees.
Esposito spotted his old boss in the crowd and took a deep, fortifying breath before making his way over to her.
"Hey, Kate." He murmured, making her jump as she turned to him. He gave her a soft smile, glad that she at least hadn't changed.
"Javi, hi. Sorry, I didn't see you." She smiled at him weakly before drawing him in for a quick hug, rubbing his back gently. "How are you doing?"
"I'm okay, how've you been, it's been a while." Espo murmured back. They hadn't seen each other in nearly two years, not since she had come to meet his daughter when the baby was very first home, and it had been months since they last spoke.
The bomb, and its immediate aftermath, had torn apart more than just the building they had called home.
"I'm good, thanks." Kate smiled softly. "How's Holly? The last time we spoke you guys were having issues...?" She probed gently, her heart sinking when he shrugged with a lopsided half smile. She hoped this wasn't happening again for him.
"She's great, we're not though." He shrugged. "She's asked for a divorce."
Kate sighed softly. "Oh Javi, I'm sorry." She murmured, gripping his shoulder gently. She'd been there when he and Lanie had divorced and she'd taken their three-month-old son Levi across the country, about eighteen months after the bomb. They'd only been married a year, clinging to each other in the aftermath and then falling pregnant unexpectedly.
She'd seen both sides of that divorce and knew that everything surrounding the bomb had changed the ex-soldier beyond anything any of them recognised.
He saw his son in the holidays, but he and Lanie barely spoke now.
"Yeah, it kinda sucks, but I don't blame her. Things haven't been right for a while and Lyra deserves better than to see her parents fight all the time."
Kate sighed softly. "You guys worked out how you'll handle childcare?" She asked gently, knowing how much losing out on his son growing up had affected him. She wasn't sure he would cope if Holly took their two-year-old from him.
"We're going to try me seeing her on the weekends and see how it goes." Espo smiled softly. "Whatever is best for Lyra y'know?"
Espo stood beside his partner, watching the smoke billowing from the homicide floor, hoping beyond hope that his team were helping each other get out of there. He knew Kate was resourceful, and Castle thought outside the box, and Jenny was kind, they would all help each other, provided they were all in the position to do so.
By god he hoped he wouldn't have to attend their funerals in the near future.
He wanted them to be safe, to get out of there with minor injuries at most. Hell, he'd settle for major injuries at this point, so long as they made it out of there alive and made it to medical attention in time.
He'd seen enough death in his time, both with the army before and now the force, but he knew that finding any of his family dead in that building, would break him beyond repair.
"I'm sorry, Javi." Kate murmured softly.
Espo shook his head, shrugging sadly. "I'm gonna try therapy. Think talking about it might help, maybe."
Kate smiled at him softly, grateful he had finally come to that by himself.
They had all had mandatory psyche evaluations after the bomb, even though it had been unnecessary for both she and Castle, their captain having insisted they participate anyway, but she knew her ex colleague hadn't rated it very highly.
"I can't say I think it would be a bad thing." She shrugged. "Talking about him will help you." She murmured, careful of the touchy subject.
Espo flinched but nodded all the same. He knew she was right, no matter how hard that would be for him.
He hadn't spoken about any of it since it had all happened, and he knew it was part of what was tearing him apart.
Ryan wouldn't stop praying.
He begged God to save his wife and child, begged to see his partner and Castle again, begged for everyone to make it out alive.
He begged, silently, on his knees with his hands clasped in his lap, for what seemed like days.
He didn't watch as the firefighters went into the building, didn't watch as the first few people were evacuated, didn't watch as ambulances arrived and started taking people away. He didn't watch as they started to pull people from the rubble.
He only prayed.
He didn't stop until a firefighter gently placed his hand on his shoulder, hours later, and gripped softly.
Ryan startled, looking up hopefully until he noticed his kind, solemn eyes.
Espo had provided a picture of their three, knowing it was a long shot but asking them to keep an eye out for them. Asking that if they found their bodies, or even thought they had, they would tell them first. No one had been out to speak to them yet.
"No." Ryan murmured, unable to add voice to the thought.
"We found the body of a woman, she looked to be blonde and she was about six months pregnant." The firefighter told him carefully.
Ryan felt the bottom fall out of his stomach.
"Can you describe what your wife was wearing please?" The firefighter continued.
Ryan swallowed, gathering strength, holding onto the tiny bead of hope that it wasn't her. "She's wearing white, flared, cotton trousers, light purple sneakers and a baby blue maternity top with a lace pattern around the neck." He recited, having watched her get ready while he'd been in bed that morning. She'd woken up, needing the bathroom, about half an hour before he needed to be up, and had decided to just get ready for the day. She was supposed to be looking at cribs today, telling him about what she'd found over their lunch date.
Ryan saw it fall across the other man's face.
"I'm sorry." The firefighter apologised sincerely. "We would need you to identify her officially, but it looks like it was her."
Ryan couldn't speak, couldn't move, and suddenly, in that single moment, he lost all faith in a higher power and any will to carry on.