I sighed and opened my eyes. Today was Kegan's and Lizzy's birthday. They'd been looking forward to this for weeks and were really excited. I almost couldn't get Kegan to sleep last night. We planned a small birthday party for them. Just our two families, my mom and Mr. Bitters and Katie and Dak. My sister was going to get married. Unbelievable, right?
And Logan would be here. He promised me and I reminded him every time I saw him and got the chance. It was impossible he could forget. Kegan made him promise too. About a week ago he asked me if he could call Logan to ask him to come home for his birthday. I'd been listening the whole time they talked. Logan promised Kegan.
Keira and Kegan were used to it by now that Logan wasn't here. They didn't think it was weird he was gone so much. It was sad if you thought about it, but I had this rather than two crying children that wanted their daddy. Less painful for me. Kegan did want Logan here on his birthday though. It would be too cruel if Logan actually went to work then, but luckily he wouldn't. He promised me and he promised Kegan. His son, his little boy.
But then I turned on my back and saw the empty space next to me. "Oh, no. Please, not now. You've got to be kidding me," I muttered and kicked the blankets off of me. 'He's just using the bathroom, Kendall. He promised,' I thought and quickly checked our connected bathroom. Empty. I flew out of the room. I had to catch Logan before he left. He couldn't do this. Not today.
I ran down the stairs, being quiet because I didn't want to wake Keira and Kegan. I released my breath I was holding when I found him in the kitchen, making coffee, already fully dressed. That should've alarmed me.
"Hey, Logie," I said happily and wrapped my arms around his waist from behind, nuzzling my face in his hair. I didn't get to do this often and cherished every chance I got to hold him.
"Hey. There's some coffee left if you want some," He said absentmindedly.
"Hmm. Maybe later," I whispered and kissed his cheek, tightening my hold on him.
"Kendall, not now. I've to go in a minute," He said irritated and shook me off.
I stood there frozen as he went to the fridge and started to make himself lunch. "You what?" I asked breathlessly.
"I have to go. To the hospital. It's really important, an accident or something. They called an hour ago."
"You don't even remember, do you?" I asked him incredulously.
"Remember what? Kendall, I don't have time for games, I've to go, so make it quick."
I stared at him. This was it. Logan left on Kegan's birthday. The birthday of his youngest child. The little boy that asked him to stay, that missed him and wanted him home on his birthday. He couldn't do this.
I took a deep breath. This was the moment Carlos told me about. The moment I should use to kick Logan out. Well, here we go. I wasn't going to let him get away with this.
"It's Kegan's birthday today," I said softly, looking at the ground. This was going to hurt.
"That's today?" He asked, his eyes widening. "But, I- I really have to go."
"You can't do this, Logan. Not now," I said desperately. He promised to be home more, he promised to be here all day. I couldn't tell Kegan he went to work on his birthday!
"I don't have a choice, Kendall. I can't stay away when it's this busy. There was a bus crash and-"
"I don't fucking care! It's Kegan's birthday! Remember, your son? The little boy you gave birth to three years ago? You can't go on his birthday, Logan. It's his birthday! You promised him and me to be here today!"
"So I'm supposed to let those people die?"
"That's not what I'm saying! Don't you guilt trip me. Please don't go, Logan, we miss you."
"Kendall, I can't just say no when I'm this close to my exams! If I don't go now, I'll never get that job."
"Fuck the job! It only means that you keep staying away from us!"
"So now you don't want me to pursue my dream anymore?"
"I was okay with that as long as I got to have you! Because you are my dream! Half a year, Logan! You've been working for 157 days straight!"
"I warned you! I told you I would get really busy around this time before I didn't even started med school!"
"I know and I understand, but I thought you would at least try to make free time every few weeks, but you don't. You don't even fucking try! You just go to work! You know what? If you love it so much, why don't you just stay there, because if you don't even want to take a day off for Kegan's birthday, I don't want you around my children anymore." I had no idea what happened, but suddenly I was angry. No sadness, no hope, no pain. I was just furious Logan would leave now. I wanted him out of my house. Now.
He looked at me with eyes wide in fear. So losing Keira and Kegan brought a reaction up? "They're my children too," He whispered.
"You don't even know them anymore. We're not here just to wait for you, until you finally make time for us or spend one hour with us while your half asleep. We're not an instant family you can stay at when it's a good time for you."
"You c-can't keep them away from me."
"You bet I can. Just go, Logan. If you don't want to be here, you shouldn't. Leave, if you'd rather work than celebrate Kegan's birthday." Where did this come from? Why was I suddenly so angry? How could I just tell him to go away without crying. I loved Logan! Then what the fuck was I doing now!
He came up to me and tried to hug me, but I didn't let him and stepped back. He tried again and I turned around. "Kendall, don't do this, please," He pleaded. Since when did I ignore Logan when he wanted a hug? Since when did I deny Logan anything?
Logan walked around me. "I can do what I want, you do the exact same thing. Logan let go!" I snapped when he fisted my shirt and held onto me almost desperately.
"You can't, Kendall, please don't make me choose." His one hand gripped my shirt tighter while the other moved to my chest.
"You know when the last time was you touched me? Yeah, that's right, I don't remember either. And you know what? I don't even miss it anymore. This feels normal, like a touch from James or Carlos. Who were actually here, while you weren't. It doesn't feel like you anymore. I'm not used to you anymore. I don't need you anymore to sleep. I managed to do everything alone with our kids and the house. I'm now really doubting if I do need you all together." All lies. I needed Logan. Him touching me like that felt amazing. I still can't sleep without him. Of course I could use help with cleaning the house. He had to help me with Keira and Kegan, because they were getting worse in their behavior than ever. They needed him too.
"No, Kendall. Don't go there, I need you, I want you. I love you, please don't leave me," He sobbed. And the crying started. It'd always worked. Just not now. I didn't believe it anymore. He was in tears every time we fought, and every time they were proved to be a lie.
"Just leave. I don't want you here. James, Carlos and I will make Kegan's birthday work without you."
He whimpered and came up to me again. His beautiful were filled with tears and he was about to fall forward again to hug me, but I stepped back, letting him stumble into the table. He didn't give up yet and walked up to me again, but I was done now and pushed him away from me.
I had never done that before. Not once did I use physical strength to push him away from me. I'd never tried to actually hurt him, not even now. Logan was staring at me with wide terrified eyes. He too wasn't used to this either. Never in a million years did he expect me to do something like this.
But I was done. I was fucking done with Logan. The pain I gave him with this, was nothing compared to what I've been feeling for four months. Four months of completely no Logan. That was hell for me. Logan knew how much I needed him, how much he meant to me, how much I love him. I hoped James and Carlos were right about this and Logan would really come back to me. I wouldn't survive if he didn't come back to us; to me.
"I'm fucking done, Logan! Get the hell out!" I yelled furiously.
He finally understood and backed up. He still had tears on his face, but they didn't do anything to me anymore. Logan sobbed, but I didn't budge and stared him down until he hung his head and left. Two minutes later I heard his car starting and driving away.
I sat down on a chair at the table, my face in my hands and sobbing silently. I chased Logan away. I really kicked him out. How could I do that? Now he thought I didn't want to be with him anymore. That wasn't true, I still needed him more then anything. I loved him so much and missed him so bad. I already wanted to grab my phone and beg Logan to come back to me. That it would all be okay and he would be forgiven if he just came back to me.
But no. I was going to hold on. Logan had to understand how it was to feel he was going to lose us. He was going to come back within a few days and he'd beg me if he could please stay with us. Just like James and Carlos said he would.
"Papa! Papa! It's my birthday!" Kegan sang while he climbed down the stairs.
I quickly wiped my eyes and ran a hand through my hair. "Happy birthday, buddy!" I said when he turned the corner to the kitchen. He ran over and I lifted him high into the air.
He laughed and stuck his arms out to me. "When are we going to open presents?" He asked eagerly when I brought him down again to set him in my lap.
"Hm. I don't know yet. Maybe I'll make you wait another year, than you'll have twice as much presents for your next birthday."
"No!" He exclaimed.
"Of course not, Kegie. We'll wait until Keira is out of bed too and then you can open your presents. I kissed his head and wrapped my arms a bit tighter around him, bracing myself for what would come next.
"Where's daddy, papa? In the shower?" I looked down and met with my baby boy's beautiful brown eyes staring at me hopeful.
Logan promised him to be here. He promised. "Daddy had to go, Kegan," I said softly. The hopeful eyes filled with tears and he leaned against me.
"But it's my birthday," He whimpered. "He said he would he here today." Tears flowed down his cheeks while he looked up at me, eyes still hopeful, maybe he thought I was making some kind or joke.
"It was really important, Kegie, but maybe you can call him now." He nodded and buried his face in my chest, sobbing quietly. I held him against me tightly while my own tears came up too. Logan promised. He broke his promise. Again. I've no idea why I was defending him. I dialed the Logan's cell phone number for Kegan and put it on speaker. I wanted to hear how Logan got himself out of this one.
He answered immediately. "Kendall? What's wrong?"
"Daddy! It's me!" Kegan said with his voice still choked.
"Hey, baby! Happy b-birthday!" He exclaimed fake-happy. "Did papa give you your present already?"
"No." Kegan shook his head. "I don't want the present anymore."
I raised my eyebrows and heard the same confusion in Logan's voice. "Why not, buddy?"
"I want you to be home instead of the presents," He whispered. "Daddy, come home for me?" He begged.
"I- I... I can't, Kegan. I'm so sorry." Kegan didn't answer, but instead climbed off my lap and ran away.
I shook my head and ended the call. I didn't have anything to say to Logan. Kegan was already up the stairs and went into his room. I ran after him and followed him into his room. He was in his bed under the blanket, crying badly. I closed the door behind me and sat on the edge of his bed. I stroked his back, but he didn't respond to my touch at all. I laid down next to him and pulled him with blanket and all against me.
He finally acknowledged me and curled into a ball, with his head on my arm. I wrapped the other one around him too and held him tightly. I said nothing. I didn't know what to say, nothing would make this better. I couldn't tell him it would be fine again, because I really didn't know if it was going to be fine. Logan wasn't here, he made everything feel okay. We needed him.
Kegan spent a good half hour crying over Logan, before I managed to calm him down with the promise he could wear one of Logan's shirt today. It would look like more of a dress on him, but I had to make this day one of the best of his short life, even without Logan. So I got him a shirt Logan had worn recently and would still smell like him a bit. Kegan was really sad about Logan not being here and still had tears rolling down his little face every few minutes. I helped him into the shirt and smiled a bit about how cute he looked now.
Keira wasn't all that bothered Logan skipped something important again. She was used to it by now, Kegan was too young to realize that Logan does love him, but has to do this. Then again, I didn't understand how Logan could do this to us either. Keira probably just didn't care anymore or she kept it to herself. That was what Logan would do anyway. It made sense she would act like him, since she practically was him.
"Hello! We brought the birthday girl, now we wanna see the birthday boy!" Yelled James from downstairs. Oh, yeah. It was Lizzy's birthday too. And we would celebrate here. How fast could you forget something like that?
"Lizzie is here with James and Carlos, Kegan. Are you ready to go down?" Kegan nodded and came up to me, sticking his arms out for me. I picked him up and rested his head on my chest. I carried him down the stairs, where James, Carlos and Lizzie started singing when we came into view. Kegan got shy and hid his face in the crook of my neck.
"It's Lizzy's birthday too, do you remember, Kegie? Go give her a hug," I said and put him on the ground. He was still sad and hung his head as he walked over to her. He looked so small in Logan's shirt that almost came to the ground. His hands weren't visible under the sleeves. Lizzy however was bouncing in excitement and met Kegan halfway. "It's our bithday! It's our bithday!"
Kegan tried to smile, but only got tears in his eyes again. He turned away from Lizzy and ran back to me. He tripped over Logan's shirt and fell flat on his nose. He started crying even more and I quickly picked him up. He sobbed, making his little body shake and tremble.
I turned away from James and Carlos and went into the living room. I sat down on the couch, but didn't let go of Kegan for one second. "Why is Kegan crying?" Lizzy asked worriedly.
"Kegan's daddy is not here, sweetie. He's really sad about that," Carlos whispered.
"Are you going away too?" She asked them, her voice trembling.
"No, we're not, Lizzle," James reassured her. "Let's go to the kitchen. Do you want something to drink?"
Their voices faded away while I held my devastated baby boy. I guess seeing Lizzy with both of her parents was painful for him. After that phone call to Logan I knew exactly what he wanted most. I was really afraid to find out what would happen when he figured out Logan wasn't coming back for a while.
"Papa?" Keira asked when she came down stairs.
"In here, honey."
A few seconds later I saw Keira coming into the living room. She turned the corner and frowned when she saw Kegan crying. She climbed on the couch next to me and wrapped her arms around Kegan too. He looked up surprised, but when he saw it was just his sister he continued crying.
I took one arm from Kegan to wrap it around Keira and pulled her closer. She leaned into my side and rubbed Kegan's back. I was so proud of her for this. "Sweet girl," I whispered in her ear. "Thank you."
She smiled at me and snuggled a little closer. "I made a drawing for you, Kegan," Keira told her crying brother.
He sniffled and looked at her, tears still streaming down his face. "Do you want to see it?"
He nodded and Keira climbed off the couch. "Keke, can you bring some tissues too?" I asked her before she disappeared upstairs. Kegan shifted in my lap and put his head back on my chest. He wasn't crying anymore, but he did look a lot happier. I hoped I could distract him with his present later. I got him a bike. Keira got one for her last birthday and was really happy with it. Kegan was jealous and had been asking me and Logan for his own bike ever since.
Keira came back with her drawing and a handful of tissues. She gave them to me and hit the drawing behind her back. I wiped Kegan's nose and the tears from his cheeks. I kissed the top of his head and then waved Keira closer. Kegan sat up and leaned forward, a bit more eager than he showed before.
Keira took a step closer and gave Kegan the paper she'd been holding. He instantly started smiling. It was a funny picture, one of her and Kegan pulling weird faces. I remembered I saw them pulling doing faces a few nights ago when they were brushing their teeth together in the bathroom. I'd been a little irritated with it at the time, because they were supposed to clean their teeth, but weren't exactly doing that. They knew I didn't like it when they started doing those things around bedtime. But now I was glad they didn't let me stop them. It brought back the smile on Kegan's face.
"Do you like it?" Keira asked with a hopeful smile on her face.
Kegan nodded. "I want to put it above my bed! Can you do that, papa?"
"Sure, baby. Are you ready to eat cake now? It's Lizzy's birthday too, we can't make her wait too long."
Kegan nodded and slit off my leg. Keira took his hand and together they went to the kitchen, I followed them closely. James and Carlos already got drinks for everyone and were waiting impatiently around a big, white box. The box with the cake. Two chairs were decorated with balloons and garlands. "Look at that, Kegan. You've your own chair today next to Lizzy!" I said and pointed to it.
Kegan turned around, back to me and wrapped his little arms around my leg. "I want to sit with you, papa," He whispered and grabbed my hand.
I nodded. "I'll sit with you, Kegie. Don't worry."
We sat down at the table. I took the decorated chair and Kegan sat in my lap. Keira sat next to us and James, while Carlos was sitting next to Lizzy. "Who's excited to see the cake?" James asked and took hold of the box.
"Me!" Lizzy called. "I wanna see the cake!"
Kegan leaned forward too, interested in his birthday cake. I hoped he liked it. James and I went to a bakery together, trying to find a cake Lizzy and Kegan would both like. Eventually we picked one with Phineas and Ferb made of marzipan*. They watched it a lot.
James opened the box and turned it towards Kegan and Lizzy. Both of them started smiling. "I wanna eat his nose!" Lizzy said, pointing to the little red haired boy with a triangle shaped head.
"So you like it?" I asked them.
Lizzy almost screamed "Yes!" While Kegan only nodded his head and leaned back against me. James sliced the cake, giving Lizzy the piece she wanted with the nose.
"What do you want, Kegie? That piece with the green hair?" I ruffled his hair, making him squeak. "Or that one with the funny eyes?" I crossed my eyes. Kegan giggled, I was glad he was smiling.
"The part with the eyes," Kegan told me. James put it on a plate and shoved it towards him.
Once we all got a piece we ate it, James, Carlos and I finishing the leftovers of the kids.
"What time do your mom and Katie get here?" Carlos asked, when I got up to put the dishes away.
"At two I think," I answered. Now that the children weren't around me anymore it was really hard not to think about Logan. I just had to keep up my walls until tonight, when everyone was in their beds and I could break down.
Logan definitely wouldn't come back anytime soon. I would sleep in bed alone tonight. And tomorrow night. And the night after. I was sure I would be alone for at least three days. Even if Logan and I were barely even friends at the moment, I still loved him more than anything in the world. I cared and worried about him.
There were nights I felt like a total creeper for watching him as he slept. I wasn't supposed to feel like that when I was watching my own husband. I spent whole nights looking at Logan, wondering where we'd gone wrong. I didn't dare to touch him, I was too scared he would wake up and push me away. That would hurt.
"So we still have more than four hours to go?" Carlos asked.
James nodded. "Yeah. Kendall, we need to talk. What happened with-"
"Please, don't?" I asked softly, not looking at him. Instead I focused on the dishes that suddenly needed to be cleaned again.
"You have to talk about this. Remember last time when we didn't tell you everything? It didn't work out well."
"I'll talk to you guys. Just not today, okay? If I focus on Kegan and Lizzy and Keira I might make it until tonight. Then I'm going to break down and tomorrow I'll tell you what happened." I said it all like I was talking about someone else. I felt completely numb. I just wanted get through this day so I could lock myself in my room and cry myself to sleep.
I felt a pair of hands turning me around and pulling me into a hug. Not a second later a second body came up next to me and wrapped his arms around me too. I'd no idea who was who, because I had my eyes closed. But I did know neither of them was my little Logie. The one person I wanted in my life so badly.
I let them hug me for a while, because it did feel nice to have two people that did care enough about me to sooth me when I was hurting. Unlike Logan. "He'll come back, Kendall. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but this week or maybe the one after that. He won't leave you ever again after that and you can go back to what you always had," Carlos muttered, always being optimistic.
I pulled away and looked at the ground, avoiding their eyes again. "Thanks, guys," I whispered. "Can you give me a minute? I'll be back..." I didn't give them the time to answer and turned around, walking away from them. After that little scene I could no longer keep my tears back. I just had to be alone for a bit, just to calm myself down again. And I knew just the place.
Instead of fleeing to my bedroom like I used to do when I was upset, I went outside into my garden. I was really proud of it. And I should be. Complete days I'd spent here to make it exactly like I wanted to have it. Flowers and plants everywhere, planted in neat rows and in the right color pattern. Red roses went over in pink orchids and yellow daffodils. I'd over forty different kinds of plants here and was truly happy with how it worked out. I was a lot less happy when I thought of the inspiration for this project that turned out so beautifully.
I'd managed to keep one part of it to myself though. There was a big hedge in the garden that separated my garden from the play field I created in the back. At some point when I was cutting the hedge, I noticed I had created a little 'room' in it. It took a while before I found the opening, but when I did, I discovered an open space in between the hedge and the fence that separated our back yard from James' and Carlos'.
That same day I found a destination for it and started to work on it. It took me a week to finish it, but I was happy with the outcome. I made the small space a little larger and planted dahlias in it, Logan's favorite flower. I put pictures in waterproof frames and placed them on the fence, where they created a large wall of pictures. On the ground were two pillows. One of them has never been seated on before.
It was Logan's. But I wasn't going to show him this until I was ready for it. Until I'd forgiven him.
This is where I went now. Never did anyone find this place. I hid the opening well. It was the only other place next to the shower where I allowed myself to cry.
I quickly climbed in it and already felt better. This place meant so much to me. I sat on my pillow and pulled my legs up to my chest, staring at the empty pillow in front of me. I closed my eyes, not liking the symbolic of it at all.
I imagined to be somewhere else, far back in time. I remembered all the times Logan kissed me before he left to work. I remembered the times he sometimes woke me up in the middle of the night to cry, because he dreamed about another baby we had together. I remembered when he would come home from work, ate with us and then took a shower, because he had no homework to do. Once the kids would lie in their beds he came down in his pajamas and cuddle with me on the couch.
Or the times he would just come to me after dinner to tell me he loved it when I cooked meals and kiss me softly. Sometimes he was done earlier than expected at the hospital. He would come home then and help me with the laundry or cleaning or cooking, whatever I was doing. We would joke and laugh and talk and it was so amazing.
Or even smaller things. Like the hand he put on my back sometimes when he past me to go somewhere. Or the coffee he used to make for me before he left to work. In the beginning when he had to work over he always apologized with something sweet. He would come home with flowers or cupcakes for all of us.
All those things mattered so much to me. It was stuff Logan did without me having asked him for it. It still felt like he wanted to be here, instead of something he needed to do. And as long as Logan showed he would rather be with us than at work, it was okay. I didn't mind when he had to work over or did a colleague favor. Because in the end, Logan would come home to me. Always.
I opened my eyes and looked at the empty pillow. Once the big empty spot in my heart was filled, that pillow would be filled too.
I wiped my tears away and got up. It'd spent enough time in here for today. I had to make sure it was a great day for Kegan and Lizzy. Maybe if we gave them their presents now, I could distract myself for the rest of the morning by teaching Kegan how to ride a bike. That would probably entertain him and Lizzy for the rest of the day too.
When I told James and Carlos of the bike I got for Kegan, they changed their plans and got Lizzy a bike too. Now they could ride them together, like they always did everything together. Like Logan and I used to do everything together too...
I climbed out of my secret place and walked back to my house. Because now, it was more my house than ever.
*I don't know how it works exactly in other countries with birthday cakes, but my mom always went to a bakery and got me a cake with cartoon figures on it or other stuff I liked at the moment. Always made of marzipan. Yum!
Oh man! I already wrote two chapters that didn't end with Kendall and Logan falling asleep! Well. That happened. Hope you liked it! No, of course you don't like it. Kendall kicked Logan out, no Kogan lover likes that... Just tell me what you think of it :)