He looked like hell. "So this is what three nights with no sleep looks like?" he muttered, with a sigh. Running his fingers through his hair he stared at the face in the mirror. Ever since he'd left her room he'd been able to do little but think about her.
In the brief moments of sleep he'd captured, he'd found himself dreaming. The dreams were jumbled. Sometimes there was a teenager, resentful and full of hate. Other times it was a baby, one he watched through a window being raised by another family, a happy couple with a picket fence and a dog named Spot. Sometimes he was in a courtroom signing papers, terminating his rights for being unfit…unfit to be a parent…unfit to be anything really. Usually at that point he'd take in a deep, sharp breath and jolt awake.
Leaving his room was something he hadn't done in days. On one hand he was afraid he would run into his mother. He might have to explain what was wrong with him—she could always tell when something insidious was going on. On the other hand, he might run into Dinah and he'd have to face her…he'd have to admit that he was even more ill equipped to raise a child than she knew. He'd have to disappoint her…that would just be one more person on an ever growing list and he didn't know if he could handle it.
The little green light on his cell phone flashed again. Another voice mail. No doubt Reva calling and wanting to meet for breakfast…or lunch…or dinner…or coffee. He sighed, picking up the phone. Soon she'd be calling the SPD and the last thing he needed was Frank Cooper on his doorstep.
Sighing the pressed the button, bringing the phone to his ear and listening to the message. His mouth went dry as he heard her voice.
"Jonathan…I…I wasn't sure if I should call you or not, but I'm on my way to the hospital and I just wanted you to know….I don't know for sure if….anyway…"
He could hear her shaky breath as she struggled to decide what her next words should be.
"Just forget it," she sighed.
He heard the beep which meant the message had ended, but he pressed the button again and again. What had she meant? Why hadn't she called again? He looked at the screen. Ten minutes ago. She'd called ten minutes ago. He could still get there.
A moment ago, he'd had no idea what to do about this child and now.. He knew how much Dinah wanted a child. She'd never terminate this pregnancy. If she was going to the hospital it was because...
He grabbed his coat and headed for the door.
He'd listened to the message over and over again on the drive over. Trying to catch some hidden message in her voice, trying to discern some meaning in her tone…He couldn't. The truth was—they didn't talk all that much. He didn't know her that well…at least not that way.
Slamming his hands into the swinging door, he pushed past a nurse as he ran into the crowded emergency waiting area. The desk was surrounded by people all experience varying degrees of emergency, but none of whom seemed to be as mentally tormented as he was.
"Excuse me," he said, trying not to make a complete ass of himself. "I need to know where Dinah Marler is."
The nurse behind the desk glared at him with a look that spoke volumes. "Wait your turn, sir."
"No. You don't understand. She's pregnant and she called me and she said she was on her way here and I don't know what happened or where she is or anything but I….." He looked around at the people in the room. These people didn't care…no one cared…He was nothing…not to them…not to Dinah. But to this baby, he could be somebody. He could be a father…he could make a difference.
The nurse continued typing on the keyboard in front of her.
"Dammit!" Jonathan reached down, snatching the keyboard off the desk and flinging it across the room. "I said, I need to know where Dinah Marler is!"
The nurse stared back at him, blinking slowly. The security guard approached quickly, reaching around back to grab his walkie talkie. The police could be here in seconds and the last thing Jonathan needed was to leave that kind of legacy for his child.
"Look." He held up his hands, surrendering, and stepping backwards. "I'm sorry." He glanced over to the guard and then back over the nurse. "I'm just…I just…I need to know where she is. Please…she's pregnant…it's my baby and I don't know if they're ok…Please." He felt helpless…like his entire world was being dangled in front of him just out of his reach.
The nurse looked up at him. "Bay 4".
"Thank you." He bolted towards the back, not stopping to look back at the guard for confirmation that entering was ok. No one would stop him.
She stared at him as he jerked the curtain open.
"Dinah." Jonathan stood in front of her, surprised to see her in a hospital gown, hooked up to an IV. "What happened?"
"You got my message," she said softly. "I wasn't sure if I should call or not. I didn't mean to worry you….I just thought you might want to know. You didn't have to come all the way up here."
He shook his head. "Wait…wait…you mean…you didn't come here to…" He hesitated. As he looked at her now it appeared obvious that this was no planned visit. Something had happened.
"No!" Her tone betrayed her level of disgust. "I'd never do that. Look, Jonathan—I'm not asking you to do anything here, but I'm not going to get rid of this baby just because it doesn't fit into your plans or because it isn't something that we." She stopped, clutching her stomach. Her face contorted in pain as she drew in a sharp breath.
"What? What is it?" He rushed to the side of the bed, taking her hand in his. "What's wrong?"
"The doctor says it's ok. They've got me hooked up to these monitors. Apparently it's just some cramping…something about the uterine walls." She looked up at Jonathan's face, amused slightly when he averted his eyes. "Too much information, sorry."
"No. It's fine. I just…I'm glad everything's ok." He looked at her again, squeezing her hand a little. "Really glad."
She didn't get him. As soon as she thought she had him all figured out, he'd go and pull something like this. She'd have decided that he was incapable of feeling anything and then he'd show her this side of himself—this side that made her wonder if maybe, just maybe, there was something else, something deeper, inside Jonathan Randall.
"You were worried? Really?"
Jonathan sighed, standing up and taking a few steps away from the bed. "Yeah, I mean…I know at first I didn't really react in the best way, but I didn't expect this you know."
He looked back at her. She was listening to him…really listening which was more than he could say for most of the people in his life. This was one of the reasons he'd always been attracted to her. She knew what it was like to be judged…to have people expect you to screw up and to do things wrong—sometimes for no other reason, than to live up to their expectations.
"I guess now that I've thought about some more…the idea has kind of grown on me."
She was silent for a moment. Jonathan Randall wanted this baby. He wanted to be a father. "Well then," she said softly, gesturing to the chair beside the bed. "Why don't you stick around for a bit. The doctor will be back in a little while. He's going to do an ultrasound."
Jonathan nodded. "You mean we can see it?" It was still a bit of an alien concept to him…the idea of a human being—one he helped create—growing inside of her.
"Yeah," she smiled. "We'll be able to see something…I mean at this point it won't be much, but we can see something..make sure everything's ok." She could tell he was uncomfortable. He had taken a big step today..maybe this was too much. She was pushing too hard. The last thing she wanted was to spook him and have him run off.
"You don't have to stay though. I mean, I'm fine. You can go. I'll get a print out and bring it to you later," she offered.
Did she not want him here? "No. No. I want to stay. I want to be here." He took a seat beside her, pulling the seat closer to the bed. "I know that I'm probably not the person you would have picked, but I'll be here." He paused. "For both of you."
She nodded. Jonathan Randall was a lot of things. He could be hateful, resentful, and cold, but today…he was everything she needed.