Sometimes it was the smallest things that set her off. Today it hadn't been a small thing…it had been seeing Joey again. One look at his face and it all came back, though it had never gone very far away. All the pain, all the loss, all the shattered dreams, they'd all been buried just underneath the surface, just deep enough for her to be able to survive. Today, they all came bubbling back up.

She heard the door open and wiped her eyes quickly.

"Hey," Kevin said softly.

"Hi," Kelly replied. "Sorry I never made it over today. I just…I didn't have it in me today."

"It's ok." He studied her expression. She was pale, clearly exhausted, and sad….sadder than he'd seen her in some time. "You saw Joey," he assumed correctly.

She nodded. "Yeah. I went to Clint's grave to bring some flowers and he was there."

"The two of you talked?" he asked.

"If you want to call it that," Kelly scoffed. "We don't really talk anymore. We exist. We survive every conversation."

Kevin looked down at the box. "Why did you bring that?" he asked gently.

She felt the tears building and blinked allowing them to fall from her eyes. "I was thinking since there was nothing to bury..maybe I could bury this…just something simple…something to show that she meant something to me."

Kevin wrapped his arm around her. "I wish I knew something to say," he whispered.

"There's nothing to say. I wasn't strong enough to protect her," she said sadly. "We weren't strong enough to survive losing her."

"Joey didn't know what to do to help you. He was hurting so much himself. You left and came to London…maybe…if you'd stayed."

"What, Kevin? What you think it would have been different? What would have changed?" She'd wondered that a million times herself.

"Well, for one thing. He'd know the truth, wouldn't he? He'd be here for you now….You'd have him here instead of me…..wouldn't that be better?"

"You've been wonderful," Kelly softly responded, reaching out and touching his hand. "I'd never have gotten through this without you."

"I wasn't fishing for compliments, Kelly. I just…I think if Joey knew the truth, he'd be here and love…love can heal things that medicine can't even touch." He worried about her-Worried that her frame of mind wasn't helping her condition in the slightest.

"He's got enough on his plate right now. He doesn't need this. Besides, I'm not his problem anymore." Some days she had to repeat that over and over again, as if it were her personal mantra. Some days, telling him, knowing that he'd be right there to wrap his arms around her seemed like an answer to a prayer.

"You two are in each other's heads," Kevin countered. "He's going to figure out something's wrong. You won't be able to keep this from him. You might have been able to pull it off from across the ocean, but not from across the dinner table. He's going to have questions….how are you going to answer them?"

Kelly sighed. "I don't know," she said honestly. "But, you'll be around. You can help me. You always do."

Kevin quietly walked into the room, surprised to see Kelly still awake. "You should be asleep," he said, walking over towards the edge of the bed.

"I know," she sighed. "Just thinking."

"I think it's enough thinking for one night," he softly replied, pulling the covers over her and leaning in to kiss her forehead.

She giggled a little. "That's slick," she smiled. "Much more subtle than brushing the imaginary bangs off my forehead."

Kevin sighed. "Sorry. I just…I worry about you."

Kelly nodded. "I know and I appreciate it…really I do. I just…I don't want you to spend so much time worrying about me that you forget to take care of yourself and your family."

"You are my family, remember?" Kevin smiled at her as he saw her yawn. "Why don't you let me take that?"

Kelly nodded, reaching up and carefully removing the wig from her head. "Will you.." She smiled as she took the scarf from his hand. She didn't even have to ask anymore. "Thanks," she whispered, sliding the scarf over her head and leaning back against the soft pillows.

Kevin watched as her breathing slowed, knowing she was finally asleep. He stood, placing the wig on top of the dresser, his fingers running through the surprisingly realistic locks. He'd promised her to honor her wishes, to keep her secret, to make this trip about Clint, but everything in him felt obligated to tell Joey the truth.

Glancing back over at her, he sighed and stepped back into the room. Sitting down on the side of the bed, he took off his shoes and removed his shirt. Some nights he dreamed that Kelly didn't make it. He would see himself making the phone call….he would hear the words he'd use to tell his brother that the woman he'd loved all his life was gone. Every time he'd wake up in a cold sweat, his heart pounding, his hands shaking. He'd get up, race down the hall, and stare into her room, always relieved to see the subtle rise and fall of her chest. The scariest part of the dream wasn't what he saw…it was what he didn't. He always woke up before Joey realized that he knew..that he'd always known. What would Joey do if he found out he knew and didn't tell him?

She tossed and turned a familiar routine for her. The dreams plagued her sleep…especially recently. Her therapist told her it was the anniversary. The fact that it would soon be a year.

"Can I get you anything?" Joey asked, feeling completely and totally helpless. She'd barely said three words since leaving the hospital. He had no idea how to reach her or what to do to let her know that he was hurting too.

Kelly stared straight ahead. She didn't respond. She was so angry. She didn't want to be. It wasn't Joey's fault…it wasn't anyone's fault, but she had to blame someone…something. It couldn't be just fate.

"Kel," he said, again, the hesitancy in his voice more obvious the second time. He was worried. She talked—all the time. That was their thing. They could talk about anything.

"Can you bring her back?" she snapped. Her eyes burned with tears. As she saw his face, the pain present in his eyes, she immediately regretted her words. Joey had lost something too…and although he wasn't saying so, she could tell he was seconds away from falling apart.

"No," he whispered. "No. I can't. I wish to God I could. I'd give my life to bring her back." He turned, moving towards the door.

"Joey," she called.

"Call me if you need anything," he said.

She'd felt the tears begin their trail down her cheeks as the door shut with a thud.

The only sound in the room was the rustling of sheets. Joey was having another restless night…one more in a line of many. The dreams had been occurring with more frequency lately. The stress, he'd reasoned.

"Just tell me what to do!" he screamed. "Tell me what you want me to do and I'll do. Tell me what to say and I'll say it. Damn it…Kelly I don't know what you want anymore?!" Joey stood in front of her, hating the cycle they seemed stuck in. He watched the tears stream down her cheeks and he knew there were plenty more coming.

"Don't you get it, Joey? Don't you see? I don't know either. I don't know what I want. That's why I have to go. That's why this is for the best."

"How is this best? You're leaving. We have a chance here, Kel. Please…don't do this. Don't go." He grabbed her hand in his, bringing it close to his chest. "Aren't we worth it? Can't we just try?"

"We did try, Joey. Too much has happened. There's too many memories….too much pain…too much loss." She felt the lump rising in her throat as she spoke. Losing their daughter had been more than either of them could bear. She turned, walking towards the door, pulling her suitcase behind her.

"We weren't ready. Neither of us were, but now…we can start over. We can make this work." Joey's eyes pleaded with her.

She shook her head sadly. "You're right. We weren't ready…the baby was such a surprise and we jumped into something that we weren't ready for. Maybe that's why this happened…maybe that's the reason…"

"You don't believe that," he said, his voice shaking with emotion. "Our baby didn't die to keep us apart."

Kelly hung her head. "Maybe not," she whispered, "But she's not here to give us a reason to stay together either."

Her words weighed heavily on his heart.

She reached up, touching his face lightly. "You take care of yourself," she softly responded. Her mouth opened, as if she considered saying more. Instead she sighed, grabbed her bag and headed out the door.

His eyes flew open with a start. Looking around, he half expected to see her standing there, but the room was dark and empty….just like it was every night. He leaned back, taking a deep breath and thinking about the dream…the same one he'd had over and over again. Every time he wondered what he could have done to change the way it ended. If he'd called out to her one more time, would she have changed her mind? If he'd told her he loved her, would she have stayed? He didn't know…He just knew she left…she left and took his heart with her.

Death was its own strange form of a family reunion, Joey thought as he looked around the table. It had been nearly a year since his entire family had been together in one room, and now, sadly there was one less of them.

He'd been watching Kelly all evening. Kevin had been watching her too. Something was going on between the two of them. He wanted to ask her, but honestly he was afraid of the answer. Kelly and Kevin had history, but Kevin had insisted when he talked to him a few months ago that they were simply raising Zane together…nothing more.

Joey sighed, it wouldn't be the first time his brother had lied to him.

"You ok?" Kevin asked, stepping closer to Kelly, as she stepped outside on the patio and took in a deep breath.

Kelly nodded, feeling anything but ok at the moment. Sometimes the nausea was so overwhelming that she could hardly stand it. Tonight was one of those times. "Do you think anyone noticed?" she asked, worried that her secret would be revealed.

Kevin shook his head. "No…and even if they did, they'd think you were just upset. It's understandable. No one would think anything of it. Look Kel,"

"Please Kevin." She turned around and looked at him, her green eyes shimmering with tears. "I can't deal with this right now. I just can't."

He let out a heavy sigh. "Are you sure you can't tell him? I really think he could help you. I honestly believe that. Didn't you see the way he was looking at you tonight?"

"Yes. Yes I did. And I know exactly what he'd do….he'd find out about the cancer and he'd run to the rescue and make it his mission to save me. We'd go right back to the way it was…and it would be wonderful for a while."

"Why is that bad?" Kevin was confused. It sounded good to him…Joey would get Kelly back and Kelly would get the comfort and support of the man she'd always love.

"Because it wouldn't be about us….it isn't ever about us. Before, we jumped into a relationship because I found out I was pregnant." She looked up at Kevin.

"Come on, Kelly. That's not the only reason. It's not like he was some one night stand."

"No. I didn't mean it like that. I just meant….we weren't ready for a commitment. We were just getting to know each other again…just getting comfortable being a part of each other's lives again and then we just jumped in again….for the wrong reasons." She stopped, glancing inside and seeing Joey as he walked into the living room and settled onto the couch.

"If I told him now it wouldn't be any different. He'd be here with me. He'd never leave…not with this going on…even if he wanted to…even if he didn't want to be with me. I don't want him out of guilt or obligation. I don't want him to feel like he needs to take care of me."

"What if he wants to take care of you, Kel? What if that's what he needs right now? What if he needs to take care of you just as much as you need him?"

She paused for a moment, considering, then spoke. "I've made my decision, Kevin. It's not your choice to make. It's mine."

Kevin shook his head. "Fine. I'll back off." He studied her face which was now beginning to show a touch of color. "You think you can come back inside now."

She nodded. "I think so."

He stepped aside, letting her walk in ahead of him. She took two steps before they were stopped.

Joey stood in front of them. "I've watched the two of you all evening….with the whispers and the touches….the least you could do is be honest with me."

Kevin and Kelly exchanged confused glances.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Joey," Kelly said, softly. "I'm just trying to help Kevin get through this…just like everyone else."

"Come on, Kelly. I might be a lot of things, but I'm stupid. I've seen this movie before….I know how it ends. This time, I'd like to change a few things. This time I'd like to be the one to call you two out. So how long….how long has it been you two?"

Kevin shook his head. "Joe, you've got it all wrong. We're not together."

"Great," Joey snapped. "That's just great. I just love being lied to." He turned quickly and stormed from the room.

Looking at Kelly, he narrowed his eyes. "I know I gave you my word," he said softly, "but I don't know how much longer I can do this." Kevin walked away shaking his head.

Kelly slowly made her way to the couch, sitting down gently. She reached up, pulling the cover from the back of the couch and wrapping it around her shoulders. The cool wind must be making its way into the room from the patio, she thought. Leaning back, she closed her eyes. She'd just rest for a moment.