Chapter Summary:
Life couldn't be more beautiful after Joe had confessed to you that he was in love with you from the first time he saw you. Being with him felt like perfection and you didn't think that something could change that. But life has its way of turning the most beautiful dream into a nightmare. You felt that something was bothering him, something that would push your relationship to the edge.
Notes:
Warnings: angst
Pairing: Joe Anoa'i x Reader
Note: This is Part 2 of the Monrose SongFic Series.
Originally published here: post/175184880221/shame-songfic-roman-reigns-x-reader
Monrose - Shame
The song used for this SongFic was Shame by Monrose. Since I'm not allowed to post the lyrics here, please look them up accordingly. :-)
It had been several months since Joe had come to your apartment, confessing his feelings for you and making you promise him that you wouldn't marry your boyfriend - and you had stuck to that. Of course it was not easy at first since he was a really nice guy, but continuing to date him while your heart belonged to your best friend would have been absolutely mean. You didn't tell him the real reason, somehow you couldn't so you just stuck with part of the truth, telling him that you were sorry but you had fallen for someone else without mentioning who it was. For Joe on the other hand it wasn't as easy. Not only because he was married but also because he knew that being honest would destroy his family hence why he kept your relationship a secret in the beginning. When he finally brought up the courage to tell them, he felt absolutely terrible, not only because of having to admit to his wife that he had fallen for you but also having to explain to his daughter why he would not return home every time he would be back after a set of shows. Of course this overshadowed your relationship somehow but besides that, the times you two spent together not only as best friends but also as a couple were simple amazing.
It was one of those rare days when he returned after a couple of shows that you decided to spend most of the time together by heading to the city in order to hop from store to store just to end up at a restaurant in the evening. You enjoyed those rare days with him, just strolling through the city, your hand in his, peeking into all of the different shop windows, knowing that those times were limited and therefore making the best of it. "I could really get used to that.", Joe smiled at you, before he placed a soft kiss on your forehead that made you snuggle closer into his embrace. "Me too, those moments are really way too rare.", you said quietly. The day went by faster than you could have imagined and so did the dinner that you were having in the city.
Since Joe had moved out of his former home, leaving it to his family, the both of you had agreed that he would stay in your apartment whenever he was home. Not that this meant that you had moved in together of course, as this would have been too fast for your own liking, but it seemed to be the best option you had, given that the two of you would spend most of the time together nonetheless, apart from those times of course, where he would make sure to spend some much needed time with his daughter. Just like he had done the day before. You were not sure but you had the impression that something concerned him although he tried to hide it. You had tried to figure out what it might be but whenever you asked him, he would tell you that he was alright.
Your day had been beautiful, like it always was, when you spent the majority of your time with him. You were lying in bed, your naked bodies pressed against each other while he was abstractedly drawing little circles on you shoulder. This moment could have been so perfect if you hadn't known that something bothered him. You just knew him too well so you could tell it right away. Especially since it just wasn't like him to not take care of you after already having had mind blowing sex. You studied his face, concern written all over yours before you wanted to know: "What is it babe?" You could tell that he immediately snapped out of his thoughts, turning his attention to you as he asked: "What do you mean baby girl?"
You lifted yourself up a little bit so you were eye to eye with him, resting your head on your hand as you studied his face. You took your time before you said: "You know exactly what I mean Joe. I can see that something burdens you. It hadn't been there when this whole thing between us started but now… well I guess the page had turned. Something bothers you and I would like to know what it is. You know that you can trust me, don't you?" You could see all of the different emotions running over his face as he tried to gather his thoughts. You had a feeling that whatever was concerning him was nothing you would like to hear, hence why you tried to prepare yourself for the worst. As he remained silent you tried your luck again: "Come on babe, talk to me." He locked eyes with yours, a sad expression on his face as he answered: "You know that I spent the day with Jojo yesterday?" You nodded, of course you knew. It pained you a little bit that you were not part of it, given that in former times you would often tag along as you loved his daughter like your own. But ever since you two had started dating you avoided it. It was hard for her to somehow adjust to the situation and you knew that you would only make it harder if you'd seen her, knowing full well that you were partly to blame in her family not being the same anymore as it had been before.
Before you could ask what he meant, Joe already added, still drawing little circles over your shoulder: "I have never seen her as sad as she was yesterday. I mean when we explained to her that I would not be living with them anymore, she cried of course. But yesterday… She was so depressed, so sad. I never wanted to see my daughter like that. And knowing that it is my own fault, crushed my heart. I just… I can't see her like that." You only knew too well what he was talking about. Of course he wasn't able to keep your relationship a secret for too long, not because you two wouldn't have been discreet but because it would have not been fair, neither towards his wife nor his daughter. And although you had not been there when he had talked to Galina, you at least knew how it went as Joe had told you about it in detail. Galina obviously was kind of shocked at first but after a rather long conversation, she had to admit that her own feelings for him had decreased as well although she still loved him. Joe wasn't sure but he assumed that she might have fallen for someone else as well as he had the impression that she hadn't taken it quite as hard as he had feared. Jojo however was a different case.
When Joe and Galina had told her, her little world shattered. She was absolutely devastated when they let her know that her dad would not be living with them any longer, that he would move out in order to live elsewhere, that he and mummy would go their separate ways but she would always be the number one and would come first. But somehow she made the impression that she caught herself, nodding bravely, knowing that her father would always love her, although he wouldn't return home every single time he had time off. You could absolutely understand that her world must have shattered and you felt so terrible knowing that you were the reason behind all of this. In that moment you hated yourself for loving Joe but you couldn't just deny your feelings for him and you knew quite well that he couldn't deny his own for you either. And right now you could see how much it pained him to cause this pain to her, the one that he promised to keep safe and happy throughout all times since she was born.
You studied his face, knowing quite well what was about to come and there was no denying that it already hurt you and it would probably hurt even more after he had said it out loud. You sat up on the bed, covering your naked body with your blanket as you wanted to know, your voice calmer than you would have expected: "And now you want to tell me that you're going back to your family, which I can totally understand. That all of this - us - was one huge mistake and I can't really disagree." You crossed your arms in front of your chest, your whole gesture showing more rejection than you intended to. Joe lifted himself up, his face showing nothing but pain and sadness as he mumbled: "Us could never be a mistake. I love you Y/N, from the bottom of my heart. I don't want to give any of this up but… I just can't watch my little girl suffer like that." You nodded your head, trying to hide your devastation as you answered: "I understand it. I really do. I just wished you had thought about that before. Before this relationship between us started. Before we crossed that line not being able to go back now. I just wished that you had considered all of this before we gave in to our feelings because it would have saved us so much pain now."
"Baby girl, I…", he started, wanting to reach out for you, but you moved out of his reach, whispering: "Don't. Just don't make it harder than it already is." You could see how much this pained him and you couldn't really believe your ears as he said: "Maybe we could go back to where we were before, you know? I'm not talking about the whole just being best friends thing. But to the point where we kept our relationship a secret.", he said, already regretting it as soon as he had gotten it off his chest. You wanted to know in disbelief: "Are you really just suggesting that you move back in with your family, acting as if nothing had happened while you keep me as your affair, consciously cheating on your wife? You better not be serious for your own good." You could see that he was ashamed of himself but he nevertheless replied: "I'm just trying to figure out a way to not hurt my daughter and nevertheless be together with the one person I love, the one person, that has my heart." You shook your head as you got out of the bed, saying: "Certainly not like that Joe. Not in this lifetime and not in another one. You just can't be serious."
He got out of the bed as well, moving over to you, trying to pull you to his chest but you moved out of the way. You were way too hurt to discuss anything right now. You just wanted to be by yourself, wanted him to be gone. No matter how much you loved him but right now, you just felt as if he had played with your feelings, knowing damn well how much this would pain you. And in that moment you didn't care that it was not easy for him at all either. "Baby I'm…", he started but you just brought your hand up, interrupting him right away as you said: "Don't say a word now Joe. I think it is the best for both of us if you just grab your stuff and leave. Go back to your family, try to fix what had been broken in the meantime and concentrate on them and your job." With that you grabbed his clothes from the floor and pressed them against his chest, him taking them out of pure reflex. "What exactly does that mean?", he wanted to know, not trusting his ears before he added: "That you don't want to see me anymore? That you toss me out of your life? That you just let all of those years we were best friends drop and that you just deny that you love me just like I love you?"
"Don't make it sound as if it was my fault. You know damn well that this is not easy for me, not one bit. But given the circumstances it is the best. I have no idea how I should go on other than just ending it all here. We certainly can't go back to the best friends only scenario and I sure as hell won't be your secret affair, no matter how much I love you. No… the best way to handle it is to just go our separate ways. You live your life, I live mine and eventually all of this will hurt less the more time passes."Joe slightly shook his head, staring down at you, mumbling: "You can't be serious."
"I am absolutely serious. And I'm asking you now to get dressed, grab your stuff and then leave my apartment.", you whispered, trying so hard to hold back the tears, you desperately wanted to cry. "I… don't do this to me.", he stated quietly, his voice heavy with emotions as he lifted your chin with you not moving out of the way this time. "I love you, more than I can say. Don't do this to me. Please baby girl don't ask me to walk out of your life.", he mumbled and within just a few seconds he was leaning down, kissing your lips softly. Against your will you returned his kiss for mere seconds before you slightly pushed him away, your hands pressing against his bare chest. "Don't make it even harder now. If you really love me just do what I have told you. Grab your stuff and walk out of my life.", you whispered, wishing that he would just go as you could feel that you were not able to hide your tears any longer.
He stood there for what seemed like an eternity, staring at you in utter shock and disbelief, before he finally slipped into his clothes, unsure what to do next. You followed his example, putting on some clothes as well before you headed for some of his belongings, throwing them in his suitcase and then looking at him, waiting that he would do the rest of the work. You could see that he was debating his next move but one look at you told him that you were not just messing around. With a heavy heart he grabbed his stuff and packed his belongings in just a few minutes although it felt like seconds on the one hand and a whole eternity on the other quite alike. You watched him as he was getting ready to leave your life and although you wanted him to stay with all your heart, you knew that this would not only destroy him but you quite alike.
As he was done, he stared at you and you could see his eyes glistening with uncried tears. You gulped hard before you took a step towards him, wrapping your hands around his neck and kissing him, knowing that this would be the last time your lips ever touched his again. He pulled you closer, deepening the kiss and you could tell that his devastation took over. Before you could spiral down however, you freed yourself from his embrace, saying: "You should probably just go now before it gets even harder for the both of us. I love you, I really do. And this right here kills me. But not seeing each other again probably will be the best for the both of us to somehow cope with it. And you still have a beautiful family that needs you." Joe rested his forehead on yours as he mumbled: "And I need you more than I could say. I can't live without you. Leaving you now, leaving you forever basically would be the same like tossing my heart in the next best trash can. I love you more than my own life and not seeing you won't change that or make it easier for that matter."
You felt how close you were to tearing up so you just shook your head, stepping away from him, grabbing his suitcase and dragging it to the door, Joe following you on your heels. He knew that he should fight, he knew that he should just convince you that this certainly was not the solution. But he couldn't. He was too much in shock as to how anything had evolved to somehow act rationally. Once you were at the door, you opened it, waiting for him to walk out, not only of your apartment but also of your life. "Y/N please…", he started but you just shook your head and with all the will you could bring up, you said: "No Joe, don't… Just go. Try to treasure what we had and then focus on the important things in your life." You could tell that he didn't want to and this time as he was leaning down to you, you moved out of his way again. He didn't even care about holding back his tears any longer as he grabbed his suitcase, mumbling: "I will always love you and I won't ever be happy without you by my side. Making me leave your life won't make me forget you." With that he walked out of the door without looking back while you were closing it after him.
Once he was gone you sled down the door, leaning against it, letting all of your tears fall down. You felt terribly, you had just made the man you loved leave, the most important person in your life, your best friend, your lover, your soulmate. And yet you knew that you didn't have another choice. He could have never been happy by your side while his heart was aching for his daughter. And you certainly didn't want to destroy a family, didn't want to take a father away from his child. You would make it, somehow you had to, no matter how hard it was going to be. But not seeing him anymore, not hearing from him anymore, maybe it would help with somehow dealing with it. You had no idea how long you had been sitting there, crying your eyes out over what you had lost, but it didn't take too long until you felt completely empty and numb. Somehow you would have to make it, somehow you would have to walk through your life with your head held high. And you couldn't help but be bitter due to the irony this whole dilemma brought with itself. At first you thought you would loose your best friend for unknown reasons as he had avoided you. Now you lost not only your best friend but your lover as well because neither of you considered how big the impact of your relationship would be.
The next days and weeks were as if you lived them through cotton batting. Joe tried to call you, he messaged you, he even appeared in front of your door, but you didn't react. First you at least read his messages but then you just deleted them without checking what he wrote. In order to avoid that he could reach you again, you got a new number. On top of that you were already trying to find a new place to live. It would hurt you to leave everything behind. But you felt like starting anew would help you to forget the man that you loved with all your heart. After all, some things are simply not meant to be and sometimes you just couldn't go back in time, no matter how much you loved to. But you would carry on with your life, just like he would carry on with his.