Adam "Pork Chop Sandwiches" Kadmon
Disclaimer: I see the angry mobs of Asuka fans approaching… I don't own Eva. Or Band-aids. But I do own Pain Cakes. So hands off.
Previously on MazinEva!: Shinji returned home to Tokyo-3 after training with Kaji for as yet unspecified reasons, reunited with Misato and Asuka, and fought Zero, pilot of a deadly Harbinger. Also, I offended nearly every Asuka and Gendo fan. Well, I have an excuse for one of them.
Today was going to be a good day, Asuka thought.
She strode down the halls of Tokyo-3's super scientific junior high school, located conveniently between the fourth largest ice cream parlor in town, and the smoking crater that used to be the hospital. She was, despite the tremendous battle yesterday, and the fact that some pale hussy had touched Shinji's thighs, feeling good. It was a new day, a fresh chance for her, and more importantly, a fresh chance for the city. But mostly for her.
She waved and smiled as students passed her, even stopping to console those still feeling shaky after the attack. A pat on the shoulder there, a well-timed smile here, and all left in her wake soon felt better about their situations, and the fate of their home. It was a good thing. Until they realized who had just spoken to them.
After poking her head into the nurse's station to see if they needed any assistance with injured students and faculty, Asuka entered classroom 2-A, pleased to find the rest of her fellow teens waiting. They glanced up at her, the soul-withering panic apparent on their faces.
"Oh, good morning, Asuka," Hikari said, walking over to her.
"Hey, Hikari. What's up?"
Horaki Hikari. The class representative, known for good grades and a stern sense of right and wrong. She was, in many instances, the only thing that held the class together. Like a brown-haired adhesive of ethical fury.
"Not much," she said. "I'm still a little weirded out about the whole attack yesterday. I'm a bit shocked they didn't cancel classes." She thought a moment. "Actually, I'm more shocked the city hasn't been evacuated completely."
"Don't worry," Asuka said with a relaxed smile. "You must have heard about the heroic and good-looking pilot who beat that orange thing, right? I'm sure he'll take care of everything. Nothing to worry about."
"I wish I had your confidence." Hikari sighed, and gazed out over the class. "I also wish I could do something to reassure everyone else. They look so scared from the battle. Do you have any ideas?"
"As a matter of fact, I do."
Asuka casually glided to the chalkboard, waiting for the room's collective attention to be directed at her. A millisecond passed and she shrugged, sure they had more important things to do than listen to her. Another millisecond passed and Asuka decided they needed to learn some Goddamn respect.
Her nails gouged into the board, raking down at a slow, leisurely pace, leaving deep jagged claw marks. Asuka reached the bottom of the board, watching the entire class squirm and wail in agony. She reached up and did it again. As a wiry, nervous-looking fellow leapt out the window, she felt she had their undivided attention.
"Listen up, maggots," Asuka growled, adopting the tone of voice best suited for an English teacher disgusted by her students' inability to grasp the difference between to and too. "I could smell the fear and urine that's coating each one of you from a mile away. This whole city reeks of it. What I have to say to you is simple. Grow some freaking balls. You can piss and moan all you like, but you better do it in hiding from now on. Because today we're getting a new student."
"A new student?" Hikari asked, holding her palm to her left ear to stanch the flow of blood. "Do you… do you mean it's—"
"A new student," Asuka said again, "and I want all of you to be on your best behavior, understand? I won't tolerate any teasing, or name-calling…" She looked over the female population. "Or flirting. Hear me, you dirty, dirty bitches? Reika, I'm looking at you."
Mr. Nebukawa, the teacher who was only given a name in that "licensed" manga adaptation of Girlfriend of Steel 2 called (ugh) Angelic Days, entered the room and adjusted his thick spectacles which I think he might wear but I can't be totally sure and I truly do not feel like opening one of those volumes again to check as he found Asuka at the head of the class.
"Soryu-kun? What are you doing?"
"Oh, nothing, sensei!" she responded, her smile dripping with honey and sugar since she forgot to wipe her mouth after breakfast. "I was just saying how proud I am of everyone for being so strong following yesterday's horrific experience. Forgive me for being up here, sir."
"Oh… oh, that's okay, Soryu. Thank you for being so civic-minded and kind. We would all be wise to follow your example."
"Thank you, sensei!"
Asuka retired to her seat, and immediately opened a school-wide instant message bulletin.
This is YourGoddess#1 speaking. Open your waxy ears and porn-addled eyes. I'm just checking to make sure you all received the e-mail file I sent to you all last night. You sure as hell better treat Ikari Shinji like the God he is when he arrives. He'll be the gorgeous Adonis hanging around with me. So all you filthy, filthy whores better keep your mangy claws off him or I'll murder you. Yeah, you read right. I'll murder every last one of you. Don't think I won't. Remember that skank Kaede? Exactly.
Oh, and P.S. If I ever find out who drew that caricature of me in the third floor bathroom I will burn your entire family alive.
Asuka closed her computer's link, and gave her entire fake attention to the teacher. Her smile only brightened as the collective student population gulped in unison.
Today was going to be a good day.
MazinEva! Round 2!
The Truth About Soryu Asuka Langley
Or
The Unfortunate Fate Of Suzahara Toji
Shinji couldn't help but grin as he walked through the halls of his new school. Despite the nametag that Asuka insisted he wear, people were being nice to him. Really nice. And he didn't even have to perform any favors for them. He wondered if NERV had released his pilot status to the city.
No, he reasoned. Dr. Akagi had for some reason been quite adamant about the fact that his job be kept a secret. Something about higher tension and a better release when it was accidentally blabbed by some idiot. Shinji didn't pretend to understand the complexities of Mechology, and decided it was best to just go with what people told him. It was a skill he was well versed in, and he saw no reason to change things now.
"Uh… h-hello."
Shinji turned and found a normally attractive upper-classwoman, eyeing him and trying to smile. Her soft face was pale and sweaty, and her long black hair was frazzled and split. She seemed to be in a great deal of pain.
"Hello," he responded.
"Uh… as… as senior class president here at Tokyo-3 junior high, I j-just… want to welcome you…"
"Oh, how kind of you. Thanks. I'm Ikari Shi—"
"Good God! Don't touch me!" She ripped her hand away as Shinji tried to embrace it in a purely gracious gesture. "She'll kill me!!"
Still puzzling out the girl's bizarre behavior, he glanced past her and saw Asuka literally skipping down the hall towards him.
"Hey, Asuka!"
The senior girl went white as a sheet, then flung herself out a nearby window, not caring they were on the fourth floor and the glass shard garden was directly below.
What an odd place, Shinji thought.
"Shinji!" Asuka squealed, hopping next to him. "I'm so glad you made it! I was starting to get worried."
"Oh, sorry. Dr. Akagi kept me this morning, since I had to stay in NERV last night. Something about how my entrance at school needed to be as dramatic as possible." He shrugged, still clueless as to the great mysteries of Mechology. "Well, I'm here now. Though I still can't believe she set up my enrollment so fast. What class is it?"
"Fourth period just ended, so it's lunch." She blushed. "Do… do you want to eat me? Ah! I mean eat with me! With me!"
"Sure." It was his turn to color. "Except, well, with the battle yesterday, my grievous injuries and feeling death's cold hands molesting me, I didn't have time to make a lunch. I'm a little embarrassed."
"No problem!" She produced a bento. "You can… we can share! Well, only if you don't mind…"
"Of course not. But… um…" He pointed to the lunch box. "It's all decrepit and the top hasn't been cleaned in years."
"Don't you remember?" She held the bento up for him to inspect, caressing it. "You gave this to me when we were kids…"
The lunchbox was a small cardboard egg carton, painstakingly held together with faded scotch tape and poorly aimed staples. A tender gift of affection and care that only a stupid child with no sense of function or efficacy could make.
It had never been particularly adept at holding lunches, as it was about the size of an infant's shoebox, and after years of use it was threadbare and little more than a perforated shield for a handful of rice against a gentle breeze.
Shinji smiled, remembering. He looked at the bright blue crayon-colored bento, now dull, and recalled his childhood friend's fanatical adoration for anything he gave her, be it a mud cake or a crappy bento.
"Of course I remember," he said, chuckling. "I saved up twelve allowances to make it for your birthday present that year." He paused. "Odd, considering my parents were both top-ranking scientists with unlimited financial backing." He shrugged. "Oh well."
"I never forgot, Shinji," Asuka said, edging closer to him. Despite how the hall had cleared as she walked down it, sometimes by way of other students setting themselves on fire, she was feeling incredibly shy at the moment. "We could go up on the roof, or in a private classroom, just the two of us…"
She leaned closer to him, her mind no longer on eating lunch, but on something else entirely, when a shrill, annoying voice echoed towards her.
"Big Sis Asuka! Ow!"
Despite yet another interruption of her plan to show Shinji exactly how much he was missed, Asuka couldn't stay mad at the caller for long.
Wait, no. Of course she could.
"Kensuke!" she scolded, not permitting herself to inflict physical harm on a person in Shinji's presence, lest he discover she did in fact often inflict physical harm on many, many persons. "What on earth are you doing here? Why aren't you in elementary school?"
"But, Big Sis," the small, bespectacled boy whined, who had plastic guns strapped all over his body for some reason. "My school was destroyed in the attack yesterday. All the lower classes have been moved here."
"I know that," the girl grumbled. "I was hoping you didn't."
"Um, Asuka?" Shinji offered, swallowing the small aneurism he had developed. "You… you have a brother?"
She blushed.
"Oh! Oh, uh, no, not really. This is Aida Kensuke. My mom took him in after his parent's were killed… I don't know, a while ago… in some, unclear, undefined incident. Actually, I have the distinct feeling no one really knows, and he's only here as comic relief. You know, like those really annoying brats in robot anime series, the ones who idolize the main character, and routinely get into trouble. They say they have traumatic pasts, but they're really well adjusted and smart, and sometimes solve crucial puzzles and stuff. You know. The kind of kid that the creators focus on when they can't think of how to progress the main plot, or need a break from serious stuff, which I always found to be a real cop-out."
"… oh… okay." Shinji coughed. "Well, how old is Kensuke?"
"I don't know. Ten or something. Young enough not to be a romantic rival to the main character."
"Huh?"
"What?"
Kensuke jumped beside Shinji, his eyes lit with all the tender curiosity and stolen packets of sugar that fill young children.
"Are you the Ikari Shinji?"
"Wh-what do you mean?"
"The Ikari Shinji that Big Sis talks about all the time!" He smiled, and dropped his voice to a whisper. "The pilot of the big robot that saved all of us. You are him, aren't you? You are! I recognize your face from the pictures in Big Sis' bedroom. Though you're not usually wearing any—"
A punch so fast and so hard it actually hit Kensuke several paragraphs ago flew from Asuka's hand.
"Now, now, Ken-chan," she cooed. "We don't want everyone to know about Shinji, okay? Who knows what kind of things the idiots around here might do if they knew." Asuka was not unaware of the numerous fan sites that had literally popped up overnight, all either admiring the pilot of the MazinEva! or lusting after him, or pursuing him to supplement their insurance claims. Asuka wasn't going to chance any of them. "Besides, what if some low level meathead misinterpreted his piloting, and got angry? And what if he hit Shinji? And then Shinji felt bad, or responsible for something that was totally out of his control, but the meathead needed someone to blame for the current situation. And what if Shinji couldn't concentrate the next time a Harbinger attacked, which of course would be right after he was hit? What then Kensuke?"
The boy nodded, gazing up at Shinji. Though he had absolutely no comprehension of what his sister told him, he was determined to go along with it to avoid any more physical abuse. Which he was well acquainted with.
He really does look different with clothes, he thought.
"So," a brash voice bellowed across the hall. "This is the guy what piloted that purple thing, huh? The thing that smashed up the city?"
Asuka groaned. How did she know it.
"Suzahara," she said, hoping to calm him. She resisted the urge to shiver in soul-killing disgust when he looked at her.
"Not now, Soryu-san," Toji said, set in his plan to be manly. That Asuka, the most beautiful girl in Tokyo-3 was here too was icing on the cake. The cake of pain he would soon serve to the arrogant, reckless pilot standing before him. Yes, Toji was filled to the brim with pain cakes. He was a veritable baker. "So? Is it true, new kid? You the pilot?"
Shinji, always hoping for the best, never suspected anything bad would happen. Of course, hoping for the best and being prepared for the worst are two entirely different things. For Shinji. He believed Asuka's frantic head shaking was an unfortunate holdover from that tragic bout of epilepsy she had as a child.
"Well, since you asked so politely, yes, I am the pilot." He seems excited about something. Best not to upset him.
Toji shook with fury. His knuckles popped as his hands curled into fists.
"Then you're the son of a bitch that hurt my sister."
The next few events all happened simultaneously. Asuka, seeing Toji winding back his fist to punch Shinji, tried to grab his arm. Shinji, too stunned at hearing what his careless actions had rendered, simply watched the oncoming pain. Kensuke, seeing violence firsthand, shrieked with joy. Toji, obstructed by Asuka behind him, distracted by Kensuke, and still mighty pissed at Shinji, threw what would be, he'd later reflect, his worst punch ever.
"Ow," Shinji said, holding his ear. "My ear. You punched me in the ear."
Somehow, the rest of the school decided to appear at that moment, jamming the hall until several ugly, unpopular students died of suffocation. Those who could breathe and see the spectacle began to laugh. Not at Shinji as he believed, but at Toji's utter lack of testicular fortitude. And with so many witnesses, Asuka would be unable to immediately murder the brash boy.
"Um…" Toui swallowed. "Yeah. You… you remember that, you damn pilot. Or… or else I'll come after you and… I'll punch your other ear." He straightened his tracksuit and regarded Shinji. "Loser." He turned and fled. Wait. The halls were filled. Um… he magically teleported away.
And since Toji spilled the goods, everyone now knew Shinji was a pilot. Which is odd, since they should have figured it out because I can't see Asuka keeping her own status quiet for so long. Wait. I don't care. Back to the story.
Awash with the horrible knowledge that he had injured an innocent young girl, Shinji slumped down against the wall, vowing he'd never pilot again.
Then his cell phone rang and Misato told him a new Harbinger was attacking and that he'd have to pilot again.
Back in the MazinEva!, Shinji gripped the controls and looked out as his new enemy, a big gangly blackish-green creature with a bony face and bird's beak, started using its glowy extendable ulnas as weapons and bludgeoned several passing planes. The UN's super strict and American-approved censorship was in effect, so no one was actually onboard those aircraft and everyone assumed they parachuted to safety off camera. If that makes no sense to you, congratulations.
Asuka's mech, which he learned was named "Big Red," was still under heavy repairs, having its bust resized to the redhead's specifications. Just as well, Shinji thought. He didn't want her in any danger.
I've hurt enough people.
He was on his own again, just like Ritsuko said he should be. Again, he didn't question the wisdom of that reality, he just went with it. But the fact that he was armed with only a dinky little knife that vibrated gave him pause.
"Don't we have any real weapons?" he asked someone, anyone.
"Of course we do," the Doctor replied, "but this is how it has to be. As your battles become more frequent and dangerous, only then can we give you new weapons to combat your enemies. There's a strict episode to new weapon ratio that must be observed. I mean, what? You didn't think this would be easy, did you?"
"Of course not," Shinji said, sighing. He reviewed the extensive two-minute tutorial Ritsuko gave him before this section began on his only available weapon, hoping it would somehow grow into a sword once he deployed it. Or a bazooka. Or something of actual strategic worth. Yeah, hand-to-hand combat in a one-of-a-kind multi-billion dollar war machine made total sense.
It was at that moment, which was also the same moment Shinji realized the left hand of the MazinEva! was still missing, presumably lodged in that crater last chapter, that Sachiel, the new Harbinger, noticed him. He was, after all, rather hard not to notice. Oh, uh, and Sachi looked more or less like his anime counterpart. Nah, he looked exactly like it. And so will all the subsequent Harbingers. Yet again, I am able to avoid physical description.
So, the big bird thing did what came naturally to it. It raised its claw, aimed, and sent its offensive ulna through Unit-01's right eye. Or left. Whichever.
Well, that hurts a lot, Shinji thought.
"Arrghhhhhh!!" he said, trying hard not to sound too clichéd.
Struggling to keep his injured eye from popping out of its socket, Shinji willed the MazinEva! to counterattack, hoping he could plunge the knife into the Harbinger. Oh, and he didn't sense anyone piloting it. Yeah, this is now officially a giant monster type fic. Originally, I was going to have each Harbinger be piloted by a cute young girl like Rei, or the Rei clones, but I realized just this instant that that would be a ton of work. I'm writing this to unwind, and I want the least possible amount of hassles. Sorry. No harem.
But I digress.
Shinji reached up to his shoulder, trying to deploy the Progressive Knife that he somehow knew was cased there since I just decided he should know about it. But nothing happened.
"Um… why isn't this working?"
"Weren't you paying attention to anything I told you last night after you passed out from exhaustion?" Ritsuko cried. "You have to strike a dramatic pose and call out the name of the weapon you want to use."
"… I have to?"
"Yes! Now hurry! The enemy will only wait for so many dialogue exchanges before attacking again."
"Alright." Shinji hung his head, mortified at what he had to do to stay alive. Though embarrassment relating to survival was nothing new after living with Master Kaji, it never got easier. At least he could stay dressed this time. Shinji crouched slightly and in a weary voice said: "Progressive Knife, go."
"Damn it, boy! Put some feeling into it! Some passion! You're a mecha pilot. Now act like one."
"Sorry." He took a deep breath, trying to summon the appropriate amount of 'passion' to stay alive, then performed a dangerously long routine of jumps, flips, dramatic arm movements and terrible martial arts, culminating in the mech spelling out each letter of the attack by twisting its body like a contortionist.
"So flexible," Misato remarked, sounding a little tipsy.
"Alright!" Shinji shouted as his hair inexplicably began to wave dramatically from wind coming from God knows where. "My passion will slice through evil! MazinEva! Unit-01, Radiant Progressive Knife Cut!!"
"Yes!" Ritsuko yelled as the blade popped out, sounding practically orgasmic. "That's the way! Now you're sure to win!"
Sadly, she was completely unaware that Shinji had absolutely no clue how to wield a knife outside of a kitchen setting. As his blindly-flail-the-knife-into-the-enemy plan attested to. Sachiel easily sidestepped it and kicked the MazinEva! back, sending it hurtling through the air until it landed, predictably, right on top of Toji, killing him instantly. Wait. It landed beside him, scaring him to death. Wait. It just made him pee his track pants.
Taking stock, the pilot glanced down and saw the boy who had earlier punched his ear. One wrong move and the NERV janitors would be scraping chunky style Suzahara paste off his mech's hand.
"Oh, that's not good," Shinji said. Briefly, he wondered why that boy was even out there to begin with. Because I said so. What? Want a real explanation? Fine. He was… I don't know, had to take a piss and the toilets in the shelter were out of order. Or the others were still mocking him for the ear punch and he ran away in embarrassment. Yeah, let's go with that one.
Anyway. Shinji quickly reviewed his options. He could gently cup Toji and lift him to safety, then resume the battle. But somehow, even with his near absent knowledge of all things Mechological, he knew the only option was for him to allow the other boy into the plug. He felt Dr. Akagi would be proud.
When Toji heard Shinji's call to climb in, he wasn't thinking about the fact that he had been jeered out of the shelter by his classmates. He wasn't thinking about how much he hated Ikari Shinji. He was reminding himself how much he loved living. So he climbed in.
Oh, right. The LCL.
He'll drown! Shinji thought in horror as the hatch closed. He ripped the oxygen mask off his face without a second thought. He gave it to Toji, despite the tough boy's reluctance to put it on. However, the aspect of dying soon outweighed his well-known fears of anything even remotely viewed as possibly homosexual. But as he placed the mask on and took his first breath, those phobias came rushing back when he realized what Shinji was wearing.
"Dude. That is like the gayest thing I've ever seen."
Oh, right. He was now wearing the plug suit for some reason. Which is, honestly, kind of gay. Or, gay to homophobes.
Shinji wasn't thinking about his sexual orientation. Or Toji's girlish screams of terror as he plunged back into battle. Or Misato's rather manly screams. He was attempting to push his emotions outward again at the Harbinger, even though I already said he did. What he received this time, because I just thought of it, was a cold, dead voice. Not like Zero's, this really was cold and dead.
Wait! The Harbingers aren't monsters. They're robots. Until I change it again.
A computer. My enemy is a piece of equipment, this time.
Shinji attributed his ability to speak with a machine to all the time he spent labeling and organizing his Master's extensive downloaded pornography cache. Amazing, really, how many PC hard drives were filled to the brim. The additional fact it was all hardcore deviance only served to confuse him. What was so arousing about incest, or incest with animals?
But anyway. The Harbinger spoke in a dull, listless tone, evoking no emotion or feeling. It had stopped moving, regarding Shinji in an almost taunting demeanor. Almost. Remember, it doesn't have emotions. Not real ones like you and me.
"Where is Zero?" Sachiel asked.
"Zero? What do you want from her?"
Um, how he spoke while drowning is a mystery, even to me. Eva is full of mysteries.
"The password to Zeruel's operating systems. My Masters forgot it and are not pleased."
"Zeruel? What's that?"
"The Harbinger of Ass-kicking. I myself am the Harbinger of Monstrous Adorableness. But if we had Zeruel with us, you would surely perish. He kicks a mean ass. Oh, that and I was ordered to kill Zero, the Harbinger of Abnormal Obsessions, after she gives me the code, as she has undoubtedly become tainted by her failure and exposure to the human world."
"But isn't she your ally?"
"Foolish mortal! We Harbingers are mysterious, slightly sacrilegious entities bent on an undefined goal! We won't have something like logic or common sense slow us down! The bitch must die!"
So now they have emotions. WTF?
Shinji's sense of… well not heroism, but something akin to that kicked in, and he gripped the controls in a dark fury. He had hurt two girls in a single day, all because he was so damn inept at piloting this machine. Well, no more. No one else would be injured because of his stupidity. And no one would be killed.
"You will never reach her," the pilot of the MazinEva! swore. "I won't let you hurt anyone else. The only way to Zero is over my corpse."
Armed with his confused declarations, Shinji drew back the prog knife and readied himself for combat to the death. It should also be mentioned that Toji had achieved a near vegetative state at this point, filled with assurances that he would soon be leaving the world of the living.
"Uh, Shinji-kun?" Misato ventured. "I'll forget about you letting a civilian into the plug and your vow to protect our enemy, but, uh… you only have ten seconds of active power left."
Oh, right. The umbilical cable got severed at some point.
Looking back at the conclusion of the battle, everyone in NERV would agree that it was an amazing feat. That it was a thrill to watch. Hell, it was still a thrill talking about it months later. No one could exactly figure out how Unit-01 had managed what it did, but the video recorders never missed a millisecond, and the footage was widely reviewed and distributed. It was astonishing, the viewers would say, that with merely ten seconds of active power remaining the MazinEva! had done what it did. Despite their affiliation, many men who watched the tapes would wince, and grin sadly, and direct a good-natured rib at Sachiel, the poor devil. It was also commonplace for many women who viewed the battle to swoon, or discover a newfound, but steadily growing appreciation for the shy pilot. Yes, the end of the fight was truly, truly miraculous. A testament to the strength and courage of humanity. Something that one would remember clearly for the rest of their lives. Indeed, it somehow made everything else they had ever experienced seem paltry and insignificant. That was how great it was.
Truly, truly great.
Shinji passed through the final security checkpoint on his way to the holding cells after the battle, deep within the… depths of NERV. He wasn't worried in the least that the detention block had looser security than the cafeteria, satisfied with the reasoning that this was a civilian owned and operated organization, and wasn't used to detaining prisoners.
But there was a prisoner. A young girl he had injured. He sighed morosely, still upset over the Doctor's diagnosis. Actually, NERV could only afford one doctor, Dr. Akagi. And although her degree wasn't in medicine, her conclusion on Zero's wounds had cut Shinji to the core.
"She's, um, hurt, I think."
As he passed the final screen door, Shinji saw someone else in the detention block, walking towards him. Well, running, if you wanted to get pretentious about it. Screaming, too. Shinji stepped to the side as his father tore past him, invoking his creator's name, Moloch. His hands appeared to be smoking as well.
He shrugged, and found cell 402, which took a rather long time to locate.
"Why would anyone build four hundred and two cells on a single level?" Shinji leaned against the wall, panting. He straightened as his eyes fell on the girl staring back at him, behind thick steel bars. "Z-zero…"
"You," the girl replied simply, lying on a narrow cot with a dirty sheet up to her neck.
"Oh, forgive me. My name is Ikari Shinji." Any further apologies died on his tongue. "Um… did… did you just see my father? Tall guy, Abe Lincoln beard, stupid glasses?"
Zero nodded slightly towards the floor. Shinji saw a broken coffee pot.
"That man attempted to give me an unknown liquid. I threw it at his hands."
"It… I think it was just coffee," he said, bending down to sniff the brown puddle. "Did you really have to throw it at him?"
"Affirmative. I did not want, as he put it, 'something hot and creamy inside me.'" Zero tilted her head at his look of crippling nausea. "What? That was what he said."
Resisting the urge to shiver and vomit convulsively, Shinji stood back up. He prayed for some horrible, horrible misunderstanding.
"S-so, Zero. Um, how are you feeling?"
"Like I am dying."
The girl peeled back her bed sheet, revealing she was totally naked save for a few dozen Band-aid brand bandages that unsuccessfully attempted to cover her extensive injuries.
"Good lord!" Shinji rushed to the bars, not even registering all the pale skin on display before him. "Didn't they get you a doctor? One that knows about treating injury?"
"The fake blonde woman made that claim." She coughed, and looked at the crimson that fell from her lips. "I do not believe her."
Shinji looked wildly at the control panel, hoping he could somehow decipher it.
Open / Close
"Damn my technological illiteracy!" He pounded on the panel, tripping the release switch. The bars pulled down into the floor, allowing him access into the cell. It was a small rectangle, only a dirty bed and broken sink/toilet inside, as well as several dozen motion sensitive cameras directly linked to every male employee's terminal, taking full advantage of NERV's lenient stance on pedophilia. Shinji hurried to Zero. "Are you okay?"
"I am injured." She readied herself. "And you are a fool."
She sprang at him, bringing her good hand up to crush his windpipe. Shinji deftly caught it, and twirled her around.
"You shouldn't be moving so much! Please sit down."
His unwitting dip into his dance training saved his life (Kaji's Physical Life Lessons of Lessons how to live a Physically Fulfilling Life #23: sweep a woman off her feet on the dance floor and right into the bedroom). Zero quickly became dizzy and flopped back on her bed. She held in her groan of discomfort.
I cannot believe I was injured so gravely, she thought. I am… I am at his mercy.
Despite the layers of sticky bandages, Shinji easily saw how serious her wounds were. Not willing to leave her like this for the time needed to retrieve proper supplies, he took off his shirt.
This is bad, Zero thought. In my state I cannot stop him. Soon he will be on top of me, his rough hands tearing at my tender flesh, his hot, wet breath pummeling my downy-soft hair and porcelain skin. He will not wait for the agreement of my body, however quick it may rise to meet him. He will take what he desires. His tongue, normally strong and yet supple, will be frighteningly hard as it runs up my throat to my mouth, stabbing between my lips, staking his claim, silently declaring that I am his. His hands, slick with my perspiration, slide down to my quivering knees, prying them apart. I, unwilling to allow him complete access over myself, must defy him, if only for a salvaged sense of self, which is slowly, but surely, being eroded by the commanding, expert ministrations that he places upon my sweltering skin. Soon, but not soon enough he will be at my center, poised to claim me fully, perhaps waiting a moment as I try to contain the strangled plea to continue that is upon my lips. He smiles, confident, powerful, but behind his eyes of the deepest blue I can clearly see a hunger, not only of my flesh, but of my… soul. His desire is not comprised purely of his loins. It is of his heart. He desires me, to be of one mind, one body, one soul. And in that moment, in that secret, sacred moment, I am his. He and I are One.
But I digress.
"And… there. Done," Shinji said, wiping away a bead of sweat. "I managed to tear up my clothes to make some bandages. They'll have to do until I run to the store and get some actual gauze and wrap. I'll also get some medicine so you'll heal properly. I'm not really a doctor, or anything, but my Master felt it imperative I receive teachings to maintain the body, since he was often intoxicated and prone to hurting himself. Master was a skillful teacher."
Zero blinked quickly, coming out of something.
"What?"
"Don't worry. I'll take care of everything." He smiled. "I won't let anyone hurt you, Zero."
She took in her new coverings, his shirt made into comfortable bindings on her arm and head, his pants transformed into a cute pair of summer shorts and a tube top.
"You are good with your hands," she admitted. "However, you are now nude from the waist down."
Shinji honestly had no idea where his underwear had gotten to. After he returned from the battle he went to change out of the plug suit as it was rather soiled following Toji completely abandoning all control over his bladder and bowels during the fight. But when Shinji arrived at the changing room his boxers were nowhere to be found. He tried asking Asuka about it, since she was right outside when he got there, but she cited some pressing personal concern and ran home.
Shinji planned on hitting the mall, but then he remembered about Zero. He couldn't just leave her, not knowing how she was doing.
And now he found himself nearly naked in her cell, selfishly regretting his decision to fashion sleeves for her from his pants. If he hadn't, he could have used them for cover. He blushed harder from his selfishness. And then it hit him. He was wearing only an undershirt alone in a small room with a pretty girl.
While he knew what Master Kaji would do, and what he told Shinji to do, he didn't think his teacher's training should be put to effect right now, especially since the girl before him was critically injured.
"The current medical profession is a sick joke," Kaji often instructed him as they walked through the hospital's hot female ward. "I know the best way to make a woman feel better."
"But aren't they injured and sick?" a six-year-old Shinji asked. "I don't know if your strenuous 'feel good' exercises are appropriate."
"It's appropriate for me. I'm horny." He straightened his stolen doctor's outfit. "Wait here; I'll be busy for a few hours. Paging Dr. Kaji."
When he returned to his present situation, Zero was still on her bed, watching him, as if awaiting some action from him. In utter desperation, Shinji collected the Band-aids he had carefully peeled from her and tried to mold them into a pair of boxers. After a few minutes, all he had managed to make was a glorified codpiece. He reluctantly stood with a deep blush, knowing it would have to do.
"So," he said, trying hard to defuse the whole 'I just flashed a wounded girl' thing. "Who named you Zero? It seems awfully sad."
"My Master," she said.
"I see," Shinji answered with a grave nod. "My Master was always trying to call me Shinayaka Shina or Shinkasen. Or Meal Ticket." He shrugged. "I never tried to correct him, not after the first few years, but I know how important a name can be."
"A name is inconsequential. Who I am is defined by who I am, not what I am called."
"But still. Zero is such a sad name." He brightened. "Hey! I know! Would you mind if I called you Rei from now on? It isn't much of a change, but, well, I'd feel better." He blushed again at his continued selfishness. "Sorry. Actually, I think it might make you feel better, too. So, what do you say?"
"Call me whatever you wish. It will not stop me from killing you when my strength returns."
"Great!" Shinji exclaimed, only hearing what he wanted to hear. "Rei it is!" He made his way out of the prison cell, remembering it was, well, a prison cell. "Listen, Rei, if… I'll be back soon, so…" He broke off, unable to order her to remain where she was. She was under no obligation to stay. She was captured, after all.
Rei gently shook her head.
"I will wait here until you return." If you are fool enough to tend my wounds then I will not argue.
"Right!" Shinji beamed at her, then scampered down the long corridor.
As his firm behind left her sight, Zero, no, Rei lay back on her bed, suddenly very aware of her breathing. The clothes… the bandages… they retained his scent. A pleasant, mellow musk, like a velvety hand caressing her senses and tickling down her throat, lying warmly in her lower stomach. The thought that she was in essence indirectly touching him flickered through her mind.
He will return soon, she reflected. Soon he will return, and tend my wounds in proper dressings. But inevitably his eyes will linger upon my exposed flesh, which is trembling under his gaze, but not from the chill of the cell. Misunderstanding, he will attempt to warm me, but the cover I was issued is inadequate. Shyly, gently, he will realize what the warmest part of his body is, and how it could be so much warmer…
--Partial scene change!--
"Shinji-kun…" Misato tilted her head to the side. "Why… why are you naked covered only in Band-aids and an undershirt?" The fact that he was coming out of the prisoner block was very, very far back in her mind at the moment. As well as the fact she had all but stalked him here after unceremoniously chucking Toji out of NERV with the promise to castrate him with a plastic spoon if he talked about anything regarding the Eva.
"Um… no reason." Shinji swallowed. "I, uh, I have to go now."
"Wait!" Misato cringed, now needing to think of a real reason to keep him here. But the sight of him in nothing but Band-aids was unearthing some truly teenage and sweaty—"So, hey. Uh, is your arm okay? I mean, it did get cut off yesterday, right? And your eye, too."
"Oh, well, yeah, but it's not so bad." He smiled, and glanced down at his hand. Suddenly he found it in a cast. And he was wearing an eye patch. "What the hell?"
"Huh?"
"What?"
Then the Harbinger alarm sounded, signifying the need to end this crappy joke.
Shamshel attacked very much as Sachiel did, and since I totally messed with the whole order of things, let's skip the need for another battle sequence and just say Shinji beat old "miracle whip" too. Get it? It's a joke. You see, since in the original series, they're called Angels, thereby denoting holy affectation, by using "miracle" I'm drawing your attention back to the source material by making you think of religion, but at the same time it's a topical reference, in this case, a sandwich condiment, so it's funny. It has two meanings, which are radically different. I mean, you don't think of religion and sandwich toppings as being similar, do you? And the "whip" is a homonym, which are always hilarious. See? I could go back and do it again, if you like. No? You don't think it was very funny to begin with? What kind of an ungrateful bastard are you? Here I am, busting my balls for your entertainment, which I'm doing free of charge let me remind you, and you criticize my efforts? What, isn't this parody good enough for you? So sorry I'm not talented like Zentrodie, or Otaku D-Man, or my secret crush MidnightCereal. So fucking sorry. What? Want me to go back to drama? Or darkfics? Want me to churn out another lame-ending Shinji/Misato story, or another fic where I have an emotionally shattered Third Children fingering Asuka on his tiny bed? Well? Or how about my other darkfic "Reeducation," which makes Witness look like a Goddamn Mickey Mouse cartoon. Or my really dark fic, the one that makes even me disgusted just thinking about it. Wait. I already posted that one. Whatever. Pfft. Just forget it. You make me sick.
Toji looked up at the darkening afternoon sky as he walked home, replaying the day's events in his head. He never expected feeling any kind of empathy for the pilot of the MazinEva! Mostly because he didn't know what empathy meant. He'd have to consult a dictionary or something, but the idea of voluntary research made him mildly nauseous.
But the pain he had witnessed, the suffering… it weighed heavily on his mind. Maybe… maybe he was wrong to attack the kid. After all, it was because of him that anyone even survived. He should've been flaunting his heroism and courage, but instead he was shy and self-sacrificing.
"He was probably ordered not to talk about it like I was," Toji growled, trying hard to hang onto his hate and the reassurance that his genitalia were still intact. "It's his fault my sister's hurt. Poor little…" He trailed off, having forgotten his sister's name. He shook his head. "It's his fault. I'll never forgive him. In fact, tomorrow in school, I'll punch him again. That's what I'll do!"
"But how will you punch him when both your arms are broken?"
Toji stopped and turned around, feeling a chill from the dark voice. He blinked when he saw who it belonged to.
"S-soryu-san? Um… what are you doing here? Don't… don't you live on like, the other side of town?" In fact, he knew quite well where she lived. His crotch often acted as a magnet to her unmatched beauty.
"I'm here to repay a debt." Asuka's knuckles cracked of their own volition. "A very large one. One that must be paid… in full."
"Wh-what do you mean? Are you still peeved about Ikari? C-come on, I didn't hit him that hard. A-and he beat that thing, right? No harm done." He gulped. "Right? Soryu-san?"
"You're half right. He did beat it, but that's because he's an amazing man. But there was harm done." Her eyes narrowed. "That bruise on his cheek will last for days, not to mention the swelling. Such a defacement cannot go… unpunished."
Toji had heard rumors of Asuka's merciless temper, but due in part to his astonishing lack of common sense, part to his adoration of her body, he had disregarded all of them. Even the videotaped beating she handed down to the entire wrestling team, and the time she tore the school apart looking for the fool that called her Soryu Asuka "Gangly."
He glanced at her face. She was smiling. That was a good sign.
"There must be… compensation."
Asuka smiled, but it held nothing good. It was no happy smile. She approached a now visibly worried Toji, her head tilting slightly to the side. Her grin had widened obscenely to display fanged teeth, her eyes were concave and hollow save for a glint of feral bloodlust. She took another step towards him and the world was stricken of all warmth.
Toji would, in retrospect, find it ironic. He was going to be able to spend a lot more time in the hospital with his sister.
Not that he knew what ironic meant.
Round 2! Over!
Or
Thank God It's Done!
Author notes: hope that explained Asuka's criminal behavior last time. To be perfectly clear, she loves Shinji just like she would normally love Kaji, except to the nth degree. Her "amazing quick-change" is in effect. Basically, I'm just having some fun with her. But I do like the idea that she rules the school with an iron fist.
Kensuke as Asuka's brother. Sorry about that, but every good mecha pilot needs some annoying little brat to idolize him and get into trouble. Kensuke was the obvious choice. I made him younger and Asuka's bro because I fucking felt like it.
Toji crushing on Asuka. Put those pitchforks down, folks. To be fair, even Anno considered the possibility. Ever see the deleted scene from EoE? The one that used the live action footage from the very opening? Check around on youtube for it. It's interesting. Also, I felt like punishing Toji a little. Asuka perpetually rejecting him has me smiling.
And I apologize for Rei's behavior in the cell. That little monologue got away from me.
Next time: the JSSDF mount their long overdue attack and deploy the mass produced series. Can Rei come to terms with her increasingly erotic daydreams? Can Asuka deal with the fact that there are so many ways to spell her surname? Can Misato learn to live in a world without Yebisu? Can Gendo's hands be reattached? Can Shinji cope with his mounting list of STDs and still keep the female population of Tokyo-3 happy? Find out in Round Whatever! Or, I Shoot Myself In The Head And The Blood Splatter Stains My Favorite Chair.