Katniss declines my offer. "No, I ate at the Hob, but thank you."
"You're welcome." I say back.
Since we got back to the district, the few times that we actually spoke, it was like we were speaking to a doctor, or to a Peacekeeper, or to someone professional. You'd never be able to tell that we'd made it threw the Hunger Games together by the way we acted: cold. But she doesn't seem to mind, and I've gotten to the point where it really doesn't bother me anymore, either. But Haymitch doesn't like it. I can tell.
"Brr. You two have got a lot of warming up to do before showtime." That's right. Showtime. Katniss and I are going to have to act like everything is just fine, like we're "in love". The audience doesn't know things are different here in the district, and if it weren't for the Capitol being upset with Katniss for the berries, I probably wouldn't care if they knew the truth.
Katniss rolls her eyes at Haymitch and tells him to bathe. She doesn't even glance at me after that, she just swings out the window and drops to the ground. I go to the window and watch Katniss run across the grass to her house, where her mother and Prim now live. Gale doesn't show up a whole lot, so I don't know what is going on with them, and I don't want to know.
"She'll come around." I'm surprised to hear Haymitch speak to me in a serious tone. Normally it's either a drunken slur or a crude joke.
"What?"
"Katniss. She cares about you, I saw it in the games. The whole country believes you're both in love, and Katniss is a horrible liar."
"She doesn't love me."
"Maybe not, but there's more there than she is letting on."
"Why then? Why has she ignored me?"
"She feels forced. If you were forced by a death threat to love someone, it wouldn't be real love, would it?"
I don't say anything. I don't know if it's because Haymitch doesn't know what the hell he's talking about, or if it's because he is right and I don't want to believe it. I just kick an alcohol bottle out of my way when I walk out the door.
When I get home, I'm greeted by Portia and my prep team. My mother sits on one couch and Portia on another, and they've got tea in their hands. My mother has probably been charming Portia like she does with everyone else in town. She has to keep up appearances. "Oh, Peeta! So wonderful to see you once again! This tour will be so exciting, and I just can't wait to hear more about you and Katniss!" I wince.
"Something wrong?" She asks me. I want to say yes. I want to say "Well actually, yeah, just about everything is wrong. This tour is fake, Katniss and I are barely even acquaintances, in fact, she's been ignoring me. Six months ago I went through hell and wound up with an artificial limb, and now we have to look into the eyes of the families whose children we killed." I especially apprehensive about District 5.
In the Hunger Games, I'd killed two people. The girl from 8, and the girl from 5, Foxface. With the girl from 8 though, it was a mercy kill. I hadn't hurt her, I gave her peace. But with Foxface, I killed her. It may have been accidental, but still, they won't see it that way.
My mother saves the day and answers Portia. "No, nothing wrong at all, other than his eyebrows of course." Portia buys into it and acknowledges just how bushy they've gotten. "Oh my, yes. Go on upstairs and the rest of the team will prep you, and I'll be up shortly."
I didn't tell my mother that we weren't really speaking, but I'm sure she's picked it up somewhere, gossipy as she is. I trudge up the stairs, regretting the next hour that it will take to get me ready for the cameras. I am not looking forward to this.
While they pluck my eyebrows, clear polish my nails, try to cover up my scars, and trim my hair, my prep team can't stop talking about the Quarter Quell. "Remember last time?" Says one.
"Oh yes, the one that that drunk guy won?"
"Haymitch." I correct them.
"Yes, Haymitch. He beat out double the amount of tributes. I was just a little girl, but it was exciting to watch."
I can't help but think little girls shouldn't watch things like that. It's why everyone in the Capitol is so excited about the games. They don't really see children dying, on tv, it's different.
I, however, am the only one in the room not looking forward to the Quarter Quell. More tributes dying? That's no reason to celebrate. And it bothers me that no one has any idea what kind of a spin they are going to put on the games this year.
An hour or so later, Portia tells me that the camera crew is waiting outside for me. It's cold out, so Portia gives me a coat that resembles the shirt of the outfit I wore for the interview before the Games. "Okay, Peeta. You look stunning. Let's go make an impression!" She says, a little too happily.
I open my front door and take a deep breath. This is where the acting begins. This is where I have to pretend like we're still back in that cave, not strangers in District 12. But the cameras have never been a problem for me. I'm still not happy with Katniss at all, but I'm sure I'll know exactly what to do when Panem's eyes are on us.
She sees me, and takes a deep breath as well. Then she looks to the cameras, then smiles when she looks back at me. She starts running towards me, and then she is in my arms, and I'm swinging her around before I slip and fall on the ice, Katniss going down with me. On top of me, her hair falls down beside her face, and she kisses me then. The camera is on us, of course, which is why I knew exactly what to do. But her hair shields the kiss from the camera.
For a fraction of a second, she stops, and she looks different, like, carefree. It's a way I don't think I've ever seen her. And I can't tell why. Then the look of worry that the Capitol is causing returns, and she's on her feet helping me up as well. We walk with linked arms to the train, and it very much reminded me of the first day we ever stepped on a train, to go the Capitol. But this time, that's not where we're going.
Haymitch joins us in the dining car from the bar car, and no one looks up because we've all just gotten so used to it. It drives me crazy but I think Katniss finds his drunkenness amusing. I shouldn't care though, I shouldn't pay this much attention to her, I don't want to go back to how I was. The rest of the night is a blur, as I make an effort to look only occasionally at Effie, Haymitch, and our stylists, and I don't look at Katniss at all. Then when we're finished, I get up without excusing myself, and while I'm walking to my room, I hear her mumble something about bad manners. I don't care.
It makes me slightly happier when I remember the incredible showers on this train. Immediately after shutting my door I strip, and hop in, pressing "90 degrees" and "Oscillate".
As the water falls over my head like rain, I bow my head and shut my eyes, listening to it fall to the floor. I remember what Haymitch told me earlier this morning, about Katniss being "forced" to care for me. I guess I can see what he means. About it not being real love if it's forced. But she wasn't forced in the cave to show me affection. And I'm not talking about the kissing, because that was for sponsors, things we needed. I'm talking about the things she did that actually showed me she cared. She looked deep into my eyes, she communicated with me in the way friends do, and she smiled. I haven't seen that smile in a long time. Too long. I shake my head and try to force myself to think about anything else. So I think about Haymitch.
Haymitch wasn't always a drunk, he once won his games, and I have no idea how. He's a smart guy, but I'm curious as to what his strategy was. I keep trying to get him to tell me, but I don't ever want to ask directly. Whatever he went through, I'm sure that's what sparked his drinking problem, and I don't want him to have to relive it.
I stay in the shower until my fingers are pruny, then I dress in a very comfortable cotton robe left just for me. It's black and has blue and yellow flames on the sleeves. I go towards my window when the stars catch my eye. It's pitch black outside the window, but the heavens are bright tonight. The moon is full, and out here, away from the pollution of the districts, the stars are numerous and much brighter. But then I'm interrupted by a sudden jolt, we're stopping for fuel.
I'm still looking at the sky when we pull up to the fuel station. There is one single light, and it flickers on and off. When it goes off, I see two shadowy figures walking along the tracks, and it takes everything I have not to remember the day on the tracks six months ago.
When the light comes on, the figures are Haymitch and Katniss. She looks worried as she's talking to him, and he does the best he can to try and give her advice. It bothers me that they are telling secrets again. Am I not a part of this Capitol thing too? Do they think I can't handle it, whatever it is? After a minute or so, Haymitch stumbles back inside, but she stays there, looking down. Then she looks at my window. The windows are coated so you can't see in, but I can see out. She looks directly at my window, and I know whatever they were talking about, included me. If one of them doesn't let me in on what's going on, I'll just go and ask Katniss directly. I'm tired of them hiding things from me.
Today I wake up, not having slept very well last night. I couldn't sleep for hours, being too upset with Haymitch and Katniss and worrying about what they are hiding from me this time. Then I must have tossed and turned all night, because I was tangled up in my sheet when I woke up.
Today is a travel day, so I can do whatever I like. Effie requests only that I join the rest of them for meals, and when she woke me up by knocking at my door, she told me it was lunch time. I sit at the table with everyone else, and I can tell Katniss has been up all morning and didn't sleep well last night either. There are bags under her eyes, and she's just moving food from one side of the plate to the other with her fork, not looking up.
I wait for one of them to tell me something, but it doesn't happen, as I thought. I focus on the conversation between Effie and the stylists to keep my mind from wandering. Katniss doesn't say a word until the train breaks down. We're told it will take an hour to fix, and Effie immediately begins trying to move things around on her schedule, complaining about there not being enough hours in a day, when Katniss yells, "No one cares Effie!".
Everyone at the table drops what they're doing and looks at her, including myself. I scowl at her. If she would talk to me about whatever this is, maybe she wouldn't lash out at Effie when Effie is just being… Effie. "Well, no one does!" That's true, but to say it is unnecessary, and mean.
Katniss doesn't hesitate to leave. She slams the door open and hops outside. Everyone looks at me when she leaves, except Haymitch. He is looking at his plate, like he doesn't want to be involved, but the rest of them still think we're "in love". And if I don't go after her, what does that say to them? "I'll get her." I say, excusing myself as I walk out the door.
She's already pretty far ahead of me, but I'm taller, so I take more and longer strides and I'm right on her feet in no time. When she hears footsteps, she turns around. "I'm not in the mood for a lecture." Well, you need one. I have to play nice though. If I act like a jerk, she won't ever tell me anything. "I'll try to keep it brief." She plops down on the grass and starts pulling blades up. "I thought you were Haymitch" she says. Yeah, right. Like Haymitch could even walk this far without falling over.
"No. He's still working on that muffin." I take a seat beside her and mess with my artificial leg. I have to draw her in to tell me, so I say "Bad day, huh?"
"It's nothing." I look into the distance now. Of course that's what she says. I'm tired of this. I take a deep breath then realize maybe she doesn't trust me because of the way I acted on the train when we came home. I shut her out. It was to protect myself from being hurt anymore, but maybe that's why she feels like she's in this alone. I decide to tell her that I am sorry. "Look, Katniss. I've been wanting to talk to you about the way I acted on the train. The last train. I knew you had something with Gale. I was jealous of him before I even officially met you. And it wasn't fair to hold you to anything that happened in the Games. I'm sorry."
As I say the words, they actually make sense. Maybe I was more upset with myself for making something into more than it actually was. I did know that she and Gale were close, and I was extremely jealous that it wasn't me. I was the one who admitted to the country that I loved her, and that actually put a responsibility on her shoulders to get us sponsors.
Suddenly I feel like a jerk for the way I've been acting. I watch her expression, but it's blank. I can't ever read her. I tell myself that I have to act different. I'll start acting like the old Peeta, but I'll have to be sure I stay distant enough so that I don't fall for her again. "I'm sorry too." This takes me by surprise. What is she sorry for?
"There's nothing for you to be sorry about. You were just keeping us alive. But I don't want to go on like this, ignoring each other in real life then falling into the snow every time there's a camera around." I tell her that I admitted to her that I was sorry so that maybe, we could be friends. She says only, "Okay." And I'm wondering what she is thinking when she says it.
"So what's wrong?" I try again. She keeps pulling at the grass, then, she notices some weeds and begins to pull at them. The silence is uncomfortable, so instead I ask a simple question. "Isn't it strange that I know you'd risk your life for mine but I don't know what you're favorite color is?"
"Green."
"Orange." She smiles. "Like Effie's hair?" She is trying not to laugh at her comment, but I wish she would just go ahead. "A bit more muted, like sunset." I think for a moment that Riley would laugh at me to no end about that. Katniss mentions that she hasn't seen my paintings. "Well, I have a whole train car full," I tell her, and hold out my hand. "Come on."