(Screen flickers on)
Howdy once again, everyone! My name is Kec, and welcome to another review! And this story is already getting a following, as shortly after I posted, I received a request to check out someone's story. Now, I happily said yes, naturally, and that's what we're going to cover today, but I just want to let everyone know that this isn't necessarily going to always be the case. So, for now, let's get on with the story!
Review
the demon awakes (Part 1)
By FXCF
yuy pekeman
And this is how it starts. Well, this bodes well for the rest of the story.
Mr. Hollywood: "That's cute. But it's WRONG!"
EIGHT YEARS AGO
Star Wars Narrator: "In a galaxy far, far away."
our story begins in a desolate city. the walls crumbled, glass shattered, corpses lining the street. mew looked down upon the war-zone.
(Kec's expression deadpans) Alright, here we go. It looks like we're in the middle of a war.
(Haunter suddenly appears behind Kec) "That's a no-brainer."
(Kec looks behind him, startled) Hey! What are you doing back here, Haunter?
"Because you're tasty."
What're you- (Kec gets cut off by Haunter latching onto his head) Well...I guess this is happening...
Anyway, I can also see that this story is going to be fairly rife with errors. Case in point: No capital letters at the start of the sentences, or at all, for that matter. Like, the run-on sentences from the last story could be excused, to a degree. But, there's literally no excuse for not capitalizing those first letters in the sentence. Everyone knows to do that!
three years the legendaries had fought, many died from their wounds.
Wait, I thought Legendary Pokémon were, like, deities and stuff. Plus, Pokémon don't usually die. They just faint. But, I suppose this is FanFiction-land, where blood, gore and death go hand to hand with your cute little Pocket Monsters.
mew was looking for dead pokemon to bury.
(Haunter unlatches from Kec's head)"You can bury me, senpai!"
(Kec looks back at the Ghost type) Senpai? Do you have some sort of crush on Mew?
(Haunter blushes) "Erm, no, I mean...uh..." (Haunter runs away)
...Well, I guess this rumor is going to neither be confirmed nor denied. (Kec chuckles) I wonder how Aqua and the rest will take to that?
the war of hyrus was taking lives left and right. the humans had grown greedy, and saw the legends as threats to their existence. and the humans were winning.
Wait, what? Okay, first off, why did humanity decide to go on the offensive now? The Legendary Pokémon weren't doing anything. (Really, they don't do much of anything anyway.) How does greed also mean being suddenly daunted by the Legends? Those are two completely different things
And how were they actually winning? Let's not forget that Groudon and Kyogre can shape continents and the oceans, Palkia and Dialga control the flippin' time-space continuum, and Xerneas and Yveltal control the literal forces of life and death! Not to mention the fact that Arceus was powerful enough to create these beasts in the first place, making him dominant over all of them.
Wait. What were we talking about again?
Arceus had fled earth and its galaxy.
Withered Freddy: "F*ck this sh*t, I'm out."
mewtwo was missing. and mew...was left to die.
By whom? Who left her to die? Arceus?
burning another one of her children, she heard a sound. a footstep. and another. and another. and another.
Sounds like when Missy was poking holes in a Dalek with a broach in that one episode of Doctor Who.
Missy: "I just put a hole in you. And another. And another. And another."
a teen rounded the corner, holding a black pokemon. from her position, mew saw that it was a pure black flareon, with white neck fluff.
(Kec groans, before slamming his head on the desk) Great, a "special colored" Pokémon. And, oh look, it's an Eeveelution. Hey, while you're at it, author, why don't you bring in a Lucario, or a Zoroark. Ooh, ooh, or maybe even a starter Pokémon! That has certainly never been done in pretty much every other Pokémon fanfic story ever!
(Kec sighs) At least the Charmeleon from Shattered was sort of original. But, I'd like to see something original, like a Kecleon, perhaps.
#PutMoreKecleonInFanfiction
the flareon wasn't breathing. the teen was in bad condition. his leg was badly wounded, and twisted in an unnatural way.
Then how did he get there then? Did he hop on one foot?
his right arm was gone, all that was left was the torn shoulder, leaking blood.
Wait. If this guy's been holding this Flareon while he was bleeding all over the place, wouldn't that make it black and white and red all over?!
(A tomato smacks Kec in the face) Okay, I deserved that.
his face was badly malformed, his left eye completely missing, revealing the socket. he had remnants of white hair, a few strands, but the rest was gone. he had a large gash across his torso, bleeding profusely.
Wow. Okay, I'm not one to like a detailed description of gore, but that's a really nice description of gore. Excluding the omission of capitalized letters, of course.
his eye was gold.
Was the color of his eye really that important? He's about to die in a few minutes anyway.
he could only take nine steps, before he fell, his flareon sliding away.
Yay, a makeshift game of curling!
...Does anyone even know what curling is?
...
...
For crying out loud! It's an Olympic sport, for Pete's sake! They use brooms in it and junk!
he laid there for a minute, before dragging himself to his pokemon. "u-u-ubra lanugo..."
Bless you!
he reached his pokemon, laying his hand on the corpse. "i...i'll see you soon...i...i just wish we made THEM suffer..."
So, the Shift key on the author's keyboard wasn't broken after all. That being said, you could've emboldened that word like this to get that same effect. Even if you're using some kind of Text Document, you can still do that in the on-site editor. Anyway, that is a bit of a touching moment there.
(Another tomato hits Kec's face, causing the Kecleon to turn around) What? I wasn't making any jokes!
(Haunter floats in the doorway, holding another tomato in his disembodied hand) "Oh, sorry. I thought you were making a pun on the human placing his hand on the Flareon."
(Kec stares at him blankly) Oh, really? I didn't even think of that. Thanks for catching that for me.
(Haunter looks confused) "Um, thanks?" (Haunter then floats out of view)
his eyes glazed for a moment, before he saw mew. "oh... hello lady mew...heh... talk about luck.."
"Oh, don't mind me," said Mew. "I was just watching your little moment with your dead Flareon that shouldn't exist before you bleed out and die yourself. Just...go back to what you were doing."
mew reached into his mind. "what is your name young one?"
Temmie: "hOi! i'm temmie!"
he looked at her, before saying "nixuliium umbra primogenitus-malum.."
(Kec stares at the name for a minute, before bursting out laughing) I'm sorry, what?! In what universe is that a name? (Kec guffaws for a few more minutes, head down on the desk and pounding it with his fist)
(Kec finishes his laughing fit, sighing) Yeah, even capitalizing a proper noun like that name there couldn't have helped make that name look and sound any less stupid. Why couldn't he have been given an easier name, like Bob.
Temmie Bob: "Hi. I'm Bob."
On a side note, I'm pretty sure the author even misspelled his own main character's name. The letter "i" has no reason to be doubled in a word under any circumstance, unlike something like the letter "u," which is located in words such as "vacuum." If that's really his canon name, then it seems to be even more stupid than I originally thought.
(Kec thinks about the name again, and starts chuckling before cutting himself off to continue reading)
mews eyes widened at his name, the same last name of the enemy.
(Kec begins chuckling again) So, the horrible names run in the family, I suppose.
"ya know.. i wish i could kill him. that mistake i called father.." he coughed up blood. "well, it was nice to meet you mew...goodbye..." his eyes glazed over.
(ASGORE begins to play)
Oh, wait a minute. That wasn't the beginning to an awesome boss battle. That was just Mr. Stupid Name kicking the bucket. Sorry, my bad.
mew looked to the sky, praying to her father."please, father. let this poor soul let his wish come true. he lived for a noble cause, please, father..."
How the heck do you know he lived for a noble cause? You only just met the guy before he died right in front of you.
Plus, wanting to commit patricide, regardless of whether or not it's justified, is not what I consider very noble.
she then gasped in pain, as a hyper beam hit her. the boy was followed.
Admiral Akbar: "IT'S A TRAP!"
"now would you look at this! the mother of the abominations!" the attackers trainer laughed, before giving her a evil grin.
When you use the word "a" in front of a word that begins with a vowel, you should change it to "an." Also, Mew, as well as most of the rest of the Legendary Pokémon, doesn't have a gender. So, calling it the "mother of the abominations" is sort of inaccurate. Also, it's rude.
"ya know, i think i'll have some fun~"
I don't think that's how you should use a tilde.
...Actually, how do you use a tilde anyway?
mews eyes widen at his statement, and then, with a tackle from the enemies pokemon, she fell to the darkness.
Spelling errors ahoy! From the wrong tense being used on the word "widen" to the lack of apostrophes to indicate possession that I failed to note earlier. But, more importantly, is this guy's Pokémon completely ignorant to what it's doing? It's literally attacking one of their gods, and especially Mew, since she technically created said Pokémon. Also, which Pokémon is it? You've got about 800 to choose from, so why keep it anonymous?
(Kec sighs) So, yeah, that's the end of Chapter 1. Unfortunately, there's 16 chapters after this, and since I don't want to rate them individually, I'm going to read three more chapters before I stop this time, and then section the rest of the story up later as I see fit. So, instead of 17 chapters dedicated to the demon awakens, I'll just have four chapters for this story, with an overall rating of the story happening at the very end. So, yeah, expect a bit of a lengthy read.
So, anyway, let's continue with Chapter 2.
m8.
OK, so I'm starting to think that this is an introductory author's note, so I might just start to ignore this part. I don't know, there's no space separating that from the story.
it ha been eight years since mew was captured,
Wait, why capture her instead of outright killing her like the humans did with every single other Legendary Pokémon? That's a bit of a plot oversight.
and with that, the humans won, enslaving all pokemon, not with balls and treats, but with collars and chains.
Well, if you look at it from a technical standpoint, Poké Balls are already pretty much prisons. Plus, if they can escape their balls like Psyduck or Wobbuffet, to name a few, then it would only need a simple modification to make the balls escape-proof once the Pokémon are in.
Also, again, why did humans win? What the heck put them over a bunch of legends to come out on top and enslave all of Pokémon-kind? There's even an animation from Dorkly about how Pokémon are more dangerous than guns, so what happened?
And don't say they used Pokémon. I refuse to believe that Pokémon would willingly do this kind of crud unless they were put under mind control or something.
mew was raped daily, giving birth to hybrids, anthropomorphic pokemon.
(Kec stares blankly at the sentence, going over it a few more times in his head, before screaming angrily.) AAAARGH! What the actual f***?! I don't like cursing, but, oh my Arceus, does this call for it, so bad! Why would anyone ever do that to a Pokémon?! That's essentially the same thing as trying to have sex with a dog. It's just wrong on so many levels!
(Haunter pokes his head into the room) "What's up?"
(Kec looks back at Haunter) Come over here and read this. This is just idiotic!
(Haunter floats over and reads the sentence Kec pointed out) "LE GASP! How could this happen to my poor Mew! Hang on, senpai, I'll rescue you!" (Haunter zooms out of the room)
(Kec stares off after Haunter) ...He does know that Mew's not actually being raped, right? This is just a story. A bad one, but it's still a story.
the collars disabled pokemons powers.
Er...why mention that now instead of when you were talking about the collars before. Why was it necessary to talk about interspecies rape first?
all hope was lost... until HE WOKE UP
(Kec covers his ears) I know that's important, but did you have to scream it? Or, maybe you accidentally hit the Caps Lock?
IN THE DESOLATE TOWN
Good for setting placement. Not so well in actual description. This is eight years after a war. So, which desolate town? There's bound to be a ton of them.
two skeletons laid in the middle of the town, a human skeleton and a flareon skeleton. without warning, a bolt of lightning struck both skeletons, covering them in black light.
Black lights? All right! Rave time! (Kec turns on a boombox playing Skrillex)
(A Shadow Ball blows up the boombox. Kec turns to see Haunter standing in the doorway)
Dude, again? That cost me 50 bucks! And why are you back so soon?
"It took me a minute before I realized that it was just a story. And, as for the first thing, if it wasn't me, it was gonna be someone else who did it."
(Kec looks disappointed) Party pooper.
a holy, yet demonic, voice rang from the heavens.
That's a contradiction.
"HUMANS! YOUR TIME IS NIGH, FOR A NEW CHAMPION WILL RISE! AND DESTROY YOU! NOW, AWAKEN !"
Okay, I don't see the need for that space right before the exclamation point, but whatever. Also, who is this guy addressing? It's a desolate town! That basically means abandoned, void of people available to listen to demonic monologues. It's like trying to do a stand-up routine with no audience. In the end, the joke is on you.
"Deep."
Thanks!
the voice shouted, as the two skeletons fused together,
(Kec appears anxious) No...
forming a mix between man, and beast.
(Kec appears terrified) No!
muscle started to fill the bones, and then organs, then flesh.
Er, muscle and flesh are pretty much the same thing. Also, NO!
his soul came forth, awakened from slumber.
(Kec slams his head on the desk repeatedly) NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
(Kec leans back in his chair, groaning) Ugh, not Pokéfusion. Anything but Pokéfusion. Please, Arceus, not Pokéfusion!
(Kec looks to the camera, disdain written plainly on his face) Okay, listen. I'm sorry about that outburst, but when things like this happens in a story, I can only groan in horror. It's not like Pokéfusion is an all out bad thing. Heck, it can be great if people do it right. But, most of the time when I read about this in fanfics, it's simply used as a way to make the main character "even more special than he should be."
Plus, even excluding this fact, I don't actually feel as if this kid even deserves an extra chance at life. Like I said before, he basically just rolled over and died, with no real goals in his life other than to kill his dad, which as I said before, is not at all a worthy cause. Granted, I don't know how he got in the place he did with the "special" Flareon, and depending on what had happened, my opinion could change. But for now, my current opinion stands.
(Kec grumbles softly) At least in Pokémon Resurrection, you have a good reason why the main character gets revived.
his flesh was pale, almost white. he was about 8'6.
8'6?! What was he, a giant?!
(Kec checks Pokémon heights on Bulbapedia quickly) Right, that's as tall as an average Beartic. Charizard is typically about 5'7, according to the Pokédex, which is pretty comparable to your average teenager. (Don't quote me on that.) Now, this? This is utter BS, but I think you all get my point. He should not be that tall!
(Then again, we got AZ, so that's something...)
somehow, cloths appeared on his body.
Wanda: "Look! It's Tarzan, Lord of the Apes!"
Cosmo: "No, it's Tarzan, Lord of the Drapes."
I'm saying this because you said "cloths" instead of "clothes." That silent 'e' can tricky, but it makes a world of difference.
a black jacket with a super fluffy collar, and cuffs. the fur was white. on the back of the jacket was a flareon's skull, white as snow.
Okay, I'll admit he put some effort in the description. (Which is probably the only thing he put effort in, honestly.) However, the phrasing of that section could've been written so much better. Here, let me write my own version of this section:
"He wore a black jacket with a white, fluffy collar and cuffs. On the back of the jacket was a picture of a Flareon's skull, which was white as snow."
Not perfect, but you get what I mean. It's very descriptive, but it's disjointed. You've got all the jigsaw pieces there. Now fit them together properly. Don't just smash them into each other and hope it works.
the teens body rose, as white hair sprouted from his bald head, forming a ponytail that reached his waist.
Starla: *giggles* "You're not bald. It's stubble."
his eyes opened, showing his left eye was just a gold slit, with a gold and red ring around it, floating in a sea of black.
Uhh...what is that supposed to look like? I got confused with the various shapes and colors involved. Sorry if I'm being incompetent or something.
the right eye was just a socket, skin missing from it.
Wait, why didn't that eye regenerate? That doesn't make any sense! What, did the demonic entity that brought this guy back to life think that he would look like more of a badass if they made sure he didn't have depth perception? Dude, that is just really dark.
his legs were hugged by skinny jeans, a dark purple color.
Hugged? Now this is sounding sexual for some reason. Sorry, but it's just a weird sounding word to me like this.
knee-high boots covered his feat, black in color, with a flareon styled paw sole.
Aw, how cute. He looks like a heavy metal reject, but his boots have paw patterns on the soles. That makes him almost adorable. Also, it's "feet," not "feat." Feat is a word, but it means an accomplishment, so unless there are boots covering his triumphs, which they may as well be doing at this point, this was a miss in the spelling department.
his right arm was pitch black, and clawed, like darkrai's arm, but with longer claws, and a spike protruding from the elbow.
...Okay, that was an oddly specific detail. Does that mean that the entity that revived Mr. What's-His-Face was Darkrai, who somehow avoided the purge from eight years ago? It's a possibility.
the spike protruded from the sleeve.
Army: "GET ON WITH IT!"
a flareon tail protruded from the tip of his tail bone, reaching three feet, super fluffy.
(Kec facepalms) Can't forget to mention that he is, in fact, a Pokéfusion by giving him a tail. Also, saying it's super fluffy is a bit redundant, as I'm sure most of the people reading this story knows what a Flareon's tail looks like. Heck, one of my best friends is a Flareon, and he never goes around shouting about how fluffy his tail is.
...Well, most of the time, anyway.
and after eight long years, his empty lungs inhaled the burnt air. a smile broke from his face, his teeth sharper than knives, and a laugh ripped itself from his mouth.
"IIIIMMMM BBAAAAACCKKK!"
Okay, that made him sound like he was possessed by a demon, but whatever.
"Um, don't you remember what the story's called, Kec?"
Huh? Oh, yeah. Let me check that. (Kec scrolls to the top not the page) Oh, it's called the demon awakes. Oh, that makes sense. So, the demon finally awoke, huh? That's great. And, also, points for that dramatic entry. It was at least decent, which is nice.
So, yeah, that was the end of Chapter 2. We're halfway through, now! Hopefully, these next ones will be a bit of a better quality than the first two, though. So, let's get to it!
three chapters in one day! holy-
Okay, if the chapters I read so far was only done in a single day, then I can understand why they kept up with the poor quality. So, I'm going to assume this one will be about as bad as the last two, but hopefully the chapters after this one will get better as time goes on. We can only hope...
nixiliium looked himself over, taking in his canine like face, sharp nails, well, more like claws, his neck floof, and tail.
Wait, wasn't the neck floof part of the jacket? I thought we established that. Is it actually a part of him? (Kec rolls his eyes) I don't see why he isn't just covered in black fur at this point. It really makes no sense.
But, good on the author for giving Mr. Stupid Name some confusion on his new appearance. Normal people don't take on a new form suddenly without being at least weirded out.
(Kec mumbles) Well, there are those people with transformation fetishes, but that's a discussion for another time.
even thought he has only been alive for three hours, he felt like he had the tail his whole life.
That's a...weirdly specific thing to feel. But, again, it's nice to see reality crashing into this fairly mad plot.
Though, what's with the timeskip? Three hours already? What, did he just yell into the empty air that he was back before standing around for a couple of hours like a dork?
(A tomato splats into the back of Kec's head) "No insults!"
(Kec chuckles, ignoring the tomato juice running down the back of his head) Haunter, I've been insulting this story since I started reading it. That ship has officially sailed.
"Well, excuse me. I just wanted to be involved." (Haunter stalks out of the room)
(Kec pouts, looking back) Well. Moody.
"all right, i'm fully alive and well, so i best be off"
Okay, seriously. Who the heck talks like that? That's way too formal for this situation, and unless he's a knight in shining armor from the Middle Ages, I think he should be talking a little more casually. (Especially since he just came back from the dead and all...)
"yes, we should" and there's that voice.
The lack of proper punctuation here is almost laughable.
all nixus could guess was that the voice was his dear flareon's soul. "well, let's go".
(Kec slams his head on the desk repeatedly) Okay, this may be a common mistake, but let me clarify how quotation marks (") work. First, they're actual sentences, so end them with a period. Second, all periods must be inside the quotation marks. And third, if the sentence continues after the quotation marks, end it with a comma, and not a period. Also, be sure to add things like "he said" or "Tara asked" towards the beginning or the end of these quotations so people know who's talking.
And how many of these rules does this author follow? Occasionally the first one, but never any of the others so far. So, yeah, this needs addressing.
nixus had walked for five hours, twenty minutes, and thirty seconds, before he got to the forest that neighbored the town.
Did he time it? Why was it exactly that time? Why not just an estimation, just to make things seem more, I don't know, authentic?!
without a second glance, he entered.
(Kec starts speaking in a cartoony voice) And remember kids! If you're resurrected after being straight up murdered after almost a decade, you should always walk along without a care in the world and not worry about anyone trying to kill you again. It's just logic!
"YAH-HOO!" nixus shouted as he launched himself from a tree, landing with a roll."now that was fun, eh umbra?"
So, I'm guessing that Umbra is the name of the "special" Flareon? Quick question. Why couldn't you have used an Umbreon for your purposes? You would miss out on the floof, but at least you wouldn't look like a scrub by using a "special" Pokémon. Unless there's a good reason for it to have black fur, this makes no sense.
Also, I just realized that Mr. Nixi-something got his name shortened to just Nixus. You're making him a little too much like N in the name department, but at least this is more tolerable than what it was before. (Kec thinks about the name again and snickers quietly)
"i think i'm going to be sick..ugh..." nixus laughed.
Wait. Was that Umbra saying that? Seriously, learn to use pronouns, and say who's talking when. I'll even take being explicitly told who's point of view we're in over having to guess who's speaking at this point.
he felt good for being a recently revived corpse.
Undead Skeleton Horse: "Wait, I'm dead? Why didn't you tell me I was dead?"
"hey nix, where is all the pokemon at? we should have encountered some caterpie by now."
Pretty sure he meant "at least some Caterpie by now," but hey. What do I know? For all I know, in this world, this forest is known as the Caterpie Woods, which is resident to nothing but Caterpie.
...Actually, that'd be an interesting place, to be honest. It'd be like that pond in the Resort Area in Sinnoh, which is only host to Magikarp. (Well, when you fish, anyway. When you just surf, you find Golduck.) You could even find Magikarp up to Lv. 100 there!
Um, what were we talking about again? I keep getting off track.
nixus looked around, realizing that the statement was true.
You heard it here first, folks! Reanimation = Poor Observational Skills!
"ya, your right umbra, where are they?
Only Temmies should be allowed to say "ya" instead of "yeah." Also, wrong "your." That one shows possession. You need to put in "you're," which is an abbreviation of "you are." Common mistake.
i mean, nothing serious could of happened in eight-MOTHER OF ARCEUS!"
Huh. I didn't know Arceus had eight mothers.
(A tomato hits Kec in the face, which barely phases him as he wipes it off)
On a more serious note, please tell me that Nixus was not aware of how much time passed between his death and his revival. That makes no sense unless he was in some kind of limbo or something, which probably won't be explained at this point. (Or at any point, most likely.)
nixus's lamenting came to a halt a he was thrown by a blast of fire, somehow not burning his jacket.
Well, he's probably hurt, with a bunch of bruises and maybe even some broken bones, but at least his rad jacket is okay. That's what we're all concerned about.
ASDF Movie Guy: "I was being sarcastic!"
he got up slowly, hearing skittering foot and paw steps. all around him were pokemon of all types.
In a forest supposedly abandoned by any and all life, just like that? That's a bit bizarre.
brushing dirt off his shoulders, nixus gazed around for his attacker. his eyes settled on a mother arcanine, and six pups.
Again, where did it come from? And, if there were more Pokémon around, why don't you mention them? I personally think the greater whole is much more important than a single part.
"musta got too close"
WHO SAID THAT?! IT DOESN'T SAY WHO SAID THAT! ARGH!
the mother powered up another ember. nixus tensed his legs, noticing the branches above him,
Ooh, really? Branches? In a forest? I never would've guessed that was even possible!
ASDF Movie Guy: "I was being sarcastic!"
as she fired her attack, he launched up too inhuman heights, landing on his feet in a crouched position.
Okay, I have to admit that, overall, despite my complaints, this is a pretty okay action scene. I've seen better, especially with the capital letters that are supposed to be there and the wrong "to," but this is okay. Maybe if this didn't have all of these glaring errors, I might actually be pulled in a bit. But, it does, so I'm not.
his tail unfurled from his waist, making it look like a floofy belt.
Okay, do you even know what the word "unfurled" means? Basically, it means exactly the opposite of what you just described. Literally. Look it up in a dictionary.
Also, quit using the word "floofy." That's kind of a joke word people use when describing something soft like that. Just talk like a normal person and say "fluffy." It's not that hard.
"now, i ain't gonna say that was uncalled for. that would be a stupid choice of words on my part." nixus lamented, scratching his head.
...Amongst other stupid word choices you've made.
"arceus, these jeans are digging in bad."
I've never much cared for skinny jeans myself. Then again, it's typically pretty weird to see a Kecleon in skinny jeans.
(Haunter pops in) "I tried on skinny jeans once."
(Kec turns back to him) Yeah? How'd it go?
(Haunter suddenly looks depressed) "Terrible. It was only at that point that I realized I didn't have legs."
...Sorry, but...you didn't notice before?
(Haunter appears on the verge of crying) "Why can't I be a Gengar, like my older brother?" (Haunter flees from the room)
(Kec stares after him, dumbfounded) ...Okay, I might have another talk with him after this is over.
[stay away from my pups, monster!] nixus gasped in surprise, one at the fact that he was right, and two, did he just understand poke-speech?!
You know, I don't get why people feel the need to differentiate speech from Pokémon when the main character can understand them perfectly. Can't they just talk normally? (Or, at the very least, put normal parentheses around the quotation marks when they talk. That's a fine substitute.)
he was so shocked, that he fell from his branch. "CRAP!" he hit the ground. HARD.
Bill Cipher: "Ha ha! Pain is hilarious!"
Or, at least, his pain is. Sorry if I'm being insensitive, but this is the most realistic this character has been since he first emerged from the fires of He- I mean, The Reverse World! It's just really hard to feel empathy for this guy.
"gah, my skull..." rubbing his head, his bangs moved, revealing his eye socket, causing a collective gasp.
What? Oh, yeah, there were other Pokémon, too. Sorry, I completely forgot since they weren't expanded on at all!
(Kec sighed, before turning to the camera) Look, this is a message to FXCF, the author of this story. You can do really good descriptions when you put your mind to it, but because you keep neglecting to describe things that really matter, such as the Pokémon surrounding Nixus at the moment. So, it only feels like I'm reading half of a story, rather than getting the whole picture. The other half is just missing, gone who knows where. All I'm saying is you should try to think about what everyone else is going to be reading, and try to describe to them what you see in your inner eye. Even if it seems superfluous, every scrap of detail can help. (Or hurt, if you do it too much. Keep a watch for describing too much as well, as that just slogs the whole story down.)
"what the?!""what is he?""why does he look fluffy?"
Peter Griffin: "OH, MY GOD! WHO THE HELL CARES?!"
Sorry, but I really feel that way in regards to the "fluffiness" of the protagonist. I get it. He's based on Flareon, which is a really fluffy Pokemon. As I said, one of my best friends is a Flareon! But, do I go around spouting how fluffy he is everywhere I go?
...Well, yes. But, eventually, it becomes an extremely moot point. Moot to the point when nobody gives a hoot about how fluffy you are. So, unless his fluffiness provides something to the plot, then it's best just to stop talking about it.
(Heck, the main character of my story, Pokémon Resurrection, is a Keldeo. But, I don't keep going on about how everyone thinks he's a brony now. Same principle.)
nixus blinked a few times. what are they.. oh. "eh, sorry for getting close to yah pups, mea femina."
(Kec slams his head on the desk.) It's come to the point that every time Nixus even opens his mouth, it's just a huge cringe-fest. Is he actually trying to flirt with the mother Arcanine? Who even talks like that? Not a normal person, I can tell you that much!
she growled. "but i got a question, why did you lash out with the intent to kill? i mean, a growl would of worked." nixus asked, rubbing his neck.
(Kec stares blankly at the page, before slowly turning his head to the camera)
Has this guy not even seen a Pokémon mother in the wild? News flash, but whether in the real world or in fantasy land, parents with newly born children will literally lash out at anything that they perceive as a threat to their young. That's why you stay away from animals during that stage, because they will try to kill you if you get too close.
(Haunter pops his head into the room) "Nice safety message for the kids."
(Kec shrugs) Of course! I'm all about safety!
(Haunter appears to hide his amusement) "This coming from the guy who spent a day in the hospital for sliding down the stairs on a cookie sheet."
...Get out of here...
the arcanine growled softly, before turning her head in confusion. "you, did not mean harm?" nixus nodded. "i did not know their was a den here, actually." the mother relaxed, slightly.
Um, need I remind everyone that it was still humans who pretty much enslaved everyone and killed off the Legendaries, despite how impossible that is? I don't know about anyone else, but if I was one of those Pokémon, I'd probably try to kill Nixus before he hurt anyone, just because of how bad those rotten humans became.
Also, what are the other Pokémon doing? Are they just standing around like dummies until something happens? Why am I expecting something rational to come out of this story anymore?
before anyone knew what hit them, a shout went out from behind the pokemon. "there she is! the stupid mutt that bit me! shoot her, and the freaks near her!"
(Kec frowns) Right. Of course they have guns. Why not have guns? It's not like people own creatures that breathe fire and blast electricity out of their cheeks. What ever happened to peace and harmony between all beings? We all don't have to go on mass killing sprees just because of something that we probably did.
Rodney King: "Why can't we all just get along?"
before she could move, a bullet fired towards her, and before nixus knew what he was doing, he took a bullet to the heart.
Grug: "And, DIE!" *splats red handprint on webpage*
(Kec chuckles, before sighing) I wish, but as according to the fact that there are still fourteen chapters left, I don't see this being a possibility in the near future. Anyway, let's just get this final chapter done and over with.
oh booooooiiii
Why is he sounding like Buhdeuce from Breadwinners? And why is that the first thing to come to my mind? (Kec shudders)
nixus looked down at the puncture point, eye widened.
Well, most people say "gunshot wound," or something of the like, but whatever floats your boat.
not in fear, or surprise, but in rage.
Or pain? Any pain? I mean, I've never been shot before, but I think that'd be a bit, oh I don't know, electrifyingly painful!? Just saying.
they dare try to shoot a mother?! they will pay...
Again, this is your protagonist? I mean, I've seen "edgy" characters before. (Who can forget the Shadow the Hedgehog game?) But this just feels forced somehow. I don't think he deserved to be brought back to life, even if he did have a huge patricidal agenda that would help everyone in the long run.
There's also the fact that he's completely unrealistic. I mean, if I was just shot, my first instinct would be to shout, "Ah! Oh, Arceus! I've been shot! Someone call the ambulance! I'm bleeding to death!" And etcetera. Basically, one's normal reaction is to worry about their own injuries, not to seek revenge on an admittedly evil act.
a fat teenager ran over the hill, next to the shooter.
Susan and Mary Test: "Phat, with a 'ph,' not an 'f.' There's a difference you knnow."
both wore blue khakis, a blue shirt [that did NOT fit] and a red cap.
Yep. The professionalism is just oozing from this story. You can tell because he's using square brackets, which are really only used in coding and junk. Also, do both of them have shirts that don't fit? Has the human race fallen into obesity because they won against the Pokemon? You're not making this very clear, dude.
nixus stood there, swaying lightly on his feet. the gunner looked at him with confusion. "hey kid, what are you-HOLY!" before the hunter could finish, nixus ripped the bullet from his heart.
(Kec stares at that line, mouth hanging open) Wha- What kind of line was that? He shot a bullet at Nixus, not an arrow or a spear! That isn't something you just rip out of you. You'd have to dig your fingers into your chest, most likely with excrusiating pain, before finding the bullet and pulling it out! Not to mention the fact that the bullet was literally fired into his heart. I don't know if demons have different physical limits or not (probably so...), but that description was all kinds of off!
no blood flowed. not a drop."wh-what the hell?!" nixus looked up. his eye staring into their souls. "well, talk about an introduction. huh?"
Well, they dun goofed! Also, typically I rag on stories for using commas too much, but this story actually needs more commas. Case in point, this entire section. Let's rewrite this to include proper commas. (I'll add proper sentence structuring and capitalization because that still bugs me.)
No blood flowed, not a drop. "Wh-What the hell?!" he stammered. (- Again, something that still bothers me.) Nixus looked up at them, his eyes staring into their souls. "Well," he said, "talk about an introduction, huh?"
And once again, that wasn't even me trying. Like I said, some proper grammar can go a long way in the writing business.
a sour grin bled through his skin, showing his fangs.
...What? Seriously, what was that supposed to mean? Did you mean his mouth? That was just a weird sentence.
the teenager backed up. "wh-wat the hell are you?" "oh, you know, i'm just human"
Er, was that supposed to be ironic? Because that's obviously a lie right there.
the hunter looked around before speaking. "ok kid, listen, if you just let us kill that dangerous mutt, then we will forget ever seeing you. ok?"
Hm. Sounds legit. (Not really.) Let's see what Nixus has to say to that.
nixus dropped his grin. "and why in hell would i do that?" the arcanine backed up with her pups, fearing for their mother's safety.
Wait, was that sentence talking about the Arcanine, or the baby Growlithes? 'Their' is the wrong word to use.
(Kec slams his head onto the table) Why am I bothering to ask anymore...?
"because that mutt is dangerous, she attacked this kid!" nixus gave a bored look. "last i checked, the law stated that pokemon that attack and harm a person will be caught and for any reason for attacking the human, like rabies, the shadowing, or if they got close to their nest or den." nixus gave a roll of his head to her den. "like this one." 'idiot.'
(Kec, for once, smiled at the statement) Alright, so everything I said before is supposed to be applicable here. According to the laws of this world before humanity went loco, the offending Pokémon is supposed to be caught, checked out at a Pokémon Center, then released if nothing is wrong, not get shot on the spot. Assumably, mind you, it would probably just be left alone if it had pups like this mother Arcanine here.
So, good on you author for actually making that clear on what's supposed to happen, at least in Nixus' mind. Also, the nod to Gale of Darkness is always welcome!
the hunter looked confused. "but, the states that any violent pokemon should and will be put down? what, have you been dead for the past eight years?"
Forgot the word "law," and that first statement from the hunter wasn't a question, so no question mark should be used. (If you wanna know, a period is definitely the best one to put there.)
nixus smiled cruel smile. "yep"
(Kec frowned) Okay, besides the minor (in comparison) nitpick of the missing "a," I have to question Nixus' reaction right there. Unless he was, as I said before, in some kind of limbo while he was dead so he was aware of the passage of time, his first reaction should be confusion.
If you were removed suddenly out of your own time (by death), and suddenly find yourself in a much distant future where lots of things have changed, should you act all casual and not care that anything changed? Personally, I would wanna know what the heck was going on. But, not Nixus. To be honest, I have absolutely no idea what's going on in his mind, which in retrospect, might be what the author wanted. Either that, or his entire character is simply a mess.
Either way...
they looked at him, before the hunter rose his rifle. "MOVE!"the man fired, and missed nixus's head, but hit the mother in the leg, causing her to whine and growl in pain. her pups looked scared.
What the heck was that?! You don't tell someone to move and shoot them anyway. In the head, no less. That's just utterly idiotic. A true waste of a word if I ever heard one.
(Kec sighs) On the plus side, I suppose, it was a pretty accurate shot if he managed to hit her in the leg. So...nice shooting, Tex.
nixus quickly went to her side, looking at the wound. the shell went through her leg, and into her other paw.
And while he's checking on that, the hunter could easily have reloaded by now and took another shot at either of them. Seriously, aren't there like a whole bunch of other Pokémon around? Why aren't they doing anything? They are literally a bunch of superpowered animals, and much more powerful than a single gun.
nixus heard a feral growl, and it came through his lips. his eye sharpened, as a gutteral roar left his lips,
(Kec starts rubbing his temples) I've been trying to not bring this up, but growls come from the throat, not the lips. Just...stop saying that. Please?
pulled back, revealing his four inch bladed fangs.
Four inches? Are you kidding me? The average human mouth is only barely four inches at it's widest point! Are you saying his teeth supposed to be looking like a Raikou's right now? Let me just say, he'll definitely be a dentist's worst nightmare.
black fire surround his body, no, black aura flowed from him. the hunter and teen backed up at the roar, exposing that he was not human. BUT BEAST.
I guess Nixus' odd blackened arm and tail didn't do it for them? They literally had to get him to go into beast mode in order for them to get the hint. Idiots.
"YOU DONE MESSED UP NOW!" a feral voice roared from his lips. all sarcasm, kindness, and love left his voice, giving him the voice of hell incarnate.
Er, was it even there before? I mean, while he was talking to the hunter and stupid kid? Eh, whatever.
his legs bended, and he launched forward, claws at the ready. he got to the teen first, and ripped his heart out, and ate it in front of the dying boy.
What, no resistance? I mean, I suppose it makes sense, considering he's a superhuman entity, but nothing from the teen before he got dead? That a little unfair to him as a character. (Though, based on this story, his entire day has been nothing but unfair.)
On a separate note, is anyone else having flashbacks of Indiana Jones and the Lost Temple from that scene?
Mola Ram: "Kali maa shakti de!" *rips out heart*
his face was covered in blood, soon licked off by his abnormally long tongue.
(Kec shivers) You know, there's something weird and off-putting about people with super long tongues.
(Haunter pops up behind Kec) "Well, you have a super long tongue. What does that make you?"
(Kec glares at Haunter) Hey! I was born with this.
"So was he, in a way."
...Touché.
and with a howl, he launched at the hunter, who was trying to reload. nixus grabbed the man by the neck, and bit into his neck, ripping it out.
Of course! He's a vampire/werewolf type of creature! No wonder he's so odd.
"Actually, he's a demon. It's, like, in the title."
Quit ruining my fun!
(Haunter frowns) Fine then. Touchy.
but he wasn't done. soon he was ripping the man apart, consuming his insides, and flesh. his whole face was covered with blood. soon, his rage went down. but by the time this had ended, the man was missing most of his insides.
Whoa, geez! Intense gore alert! I mean, I've seen some pretty bad gore, but dang, being eaten alive is not a very nice prospect. Though, if I'm honest, these characters seem like they're just fodder for Nixus to kill, simply to show how ferocious he can be under bad circumstances. I wish I could see more people using their characters as actual characters, rather than just a means to an end.
nixus licked the blood off his face, savoring the feral flavors that his rage had given him.
Yeah, I can sympathize with Nixus here. I was in such a situation just last week!
"You mean when you were at that all-you-can-eat buffet?"
(Kec sighs dreamily) Yeah, all those feral flavors just filling my mouth all at once. It was heaven.
"Until you saw the bill."
Well, who the heck charges ten bucks for a flippin' drink! I thought soft drinks were refillable!
"You really gotta read the fine print, dude. Your stomach might've been full, but your wallet left empty."
(Kec sobs hysterically)
soon, his sanity returned, as he heard a groan of pain from the mother arcanine. he stood up, blood dripping from his claws. he licked them off, before turning to the small family of arcanine and growlithe, looking at him in fear.
(Kec continues sobbing, before Haunter gets him to return to the story)
For once, I think I sympathize with the characters here. I've been poking fun at him a lot, but if I saw this guy in real life, honestly, I'd start running for the hills. Especially with his affinity for the taste of blood. What the heck is up with that? There are a lot tastier things than blood, like ice cream, pizza...
"Kecleon heads."
(Kec turns back to Haunter) What was that?
"Er, nothing." (Haunter looks around the room, nervous) "Um, I think I left the oven on. See ya." (Haunter flees from the room, leaving Kec confused)
Alrighty then, let's continue.
soon he walked over with a small pouch in his hand.
Where the heck did he get that?
kneeling down, he opened the pouch, reeling berries that could heal her.
It's "revealing," but whatever.
pulling a small bowl out of his pocket,
Again, how long has that been there? There's literally no explanation as to when that had been there.
he crushed a few berries, that he knew could stop the pain. this was gonna take a while
So he can murder people and eat them alive, and he's a medic? What kind of Gary Stu character are you trying to make here. Literally, he's this perfect character who can do anything he flippin' wants with barely any drawbacks. And this forced darkness is really driving me up the wall. I suppose the title of this story is true. The demon truly has awoken, and he's a literal monster who shouldn't have been brought back, in my opinion. Unless something comes along to remind him he's supposed to be a human, some kind of danger to his life, I don't see Nixi-Stupid Name being a very likeable character.
(Kec sighs sadly) So, that was Chapters 1-4 of the demon awakes. I'll reserve my final rating of this story for when I'm finished with the rest of the remaining 13 chapters, but, overall, as far as I've read, this isn't a great story. At all. The concept of capitalization is apparently unheard of to this author, and that's among many of the spelling and grammar errors that fill this story. Now, this might be saved if the story was good, great even, but it's at best only somewhat decent. A very Gary Stu-ish type character that's extremely unlikable. Unnecessary explanations of gore while the rest of the story is essentially left blank. Oh, and let's not forget that interspecies rape that's going on with Mew. Seriously, what the f*** was with that?! If you wanted to bring hybrids into this story, you could've used DNA splicing or some other Jurassic Park crud like that. Not having horny humans rape a probably bound Mew. (Though, now that I think about it, that kind of hits several fetishes right on the head, butI really don't want to talk about that.)
Still, though, I made a promise that I would see this story to its end, and that's what I'm gonna do. So, next time on this story, I will be reviewing Chapters 5-8 of the demon awakes, so watch out for that. Also, if you have a suggestion for a story for me to read after this one is done, than please tell me via PM (preferred) or through the reviews, along with an actual review, if you don't mind. Seriously, give me any feedback on what I'm doing wrong or what I'm doing right. Seriously, I'd love to know. And if you don't wanna wait for me to take forever on this, I'd highly suggest you go and read The Angry Bug Show by DragonNiro. It's basically this exact story, but, you know, a lot better.
Oh, and don't worry. I'm gonna take a little break from this story so I can work on some of my other stories, so watch out for those to be updated relatively soon! I'm especially gonna work on either Pokémon Resurrection or Five Nights of Truth or Dare at Freddy's, my two most popular stories, so watch out for those.
Oh, and finally, I'm gonna do a review of something else at this story's end. I'm going to review...the reviews from my last chapter!
Faust: "You thought you could make this comment without me noticing. DIDN'T YOU?!"
Ahem. Regardless, here's my response to your reviews.
St. Elmo's Fire: "Non-story entries are banned on this site. This should go on a blog or forum thread."
Well, thank you for that. Yes, I fully understand that my formatting might be a bit...against the rules. That's why, starting from my next chapter, this story will be formatted more like an actual story, instead of a blog, which this kinda technically is. So, yeah, watch out for that!
Johnathen (Guest Reviewer): This is interesting also can you review ashes of the past
(Kec facepalms) And this is exactly what I was just talking about. Listen, man, what the heck are you talking about? There are probably a ton of stories with a title like that, and you didn't even give me the name of an author. What, am I supposed to read your mind to know what you want me to review? No, I will not read your suggestion. Not unless you clarify as to which exact story you want me to read. And that goes for everybody else as well. I'll say it again, I will only take a look at a story if, and only if, I have the full title and author told to me, preferably through PM. And that's a big if, so you'd better make a good case for it. Otherwise, talk to the hand! (Kec holds his hand up to the screen)
"I thought that was a paw."
I don't know! I've been confused ever since I first got onto the FanFiction scene as to whether I have hands or paws.
"Well, no need to be touchy about it."
(Kec sighs) Anyway, that's all I have to say. Thank you all for reading! Please remember to give me a big review to tell me how well or not well I'm doing, and be sure to stay tuned until next time for the next chapter! See ya!
Notable Mentions:
Two Stupid Dogs
Star Wars
IcyNirvana
Five Nights at Freddy's
Piemations
Doctor Who
Undertale
Dorkly
Fairly Odd Parents
Regular Show
Monty Python
Star vs. The Forces of Evil
ASDF Movies
Gravity Falls
Family Guy
The Croods
Breadwinners
Shadow the Hedgehog
Johnny Test
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
JelloApocalypse