To say Levi's life was a mess is a bit of an understatement.
Not literally, god no, he likes keeping his apartment tidy and clean, it keeps his mind off other things and he could almost trick himself into believing it dulled away the memories of silent funerals accompanied by the smell of fire and iron, the all too familiar feeling of warm blood and dirt and the corpses, all those corpses-
Levi's life is, in any other meaning of the word, a mess.
His childhood had not been what it should be, from a young age he was haunted by memories of a distant dream, a distant life, and it made him even more introvert, even more detached from the world than he already was. He didn't see the point in becoming friends with the annoying, cheerful and easy going classmates, why should he when they were not them? The people from his dream world were enough for him. Even though he couldn't recall their faces or remember their names when he was awake, he knew they would be there when he closed his eyes.
It wasn't much consolation. But for the lonely child who felt out of place everywhere else, who grew up in the wrong world, it was enough.
By the time Levi was a teenager he knew it wasn't healthy, wasn't normal to be so obsessed over something so vague as dreams. But he couldn't help it either. After they became more and more frequent, the dreams started to feel just as real as the world he -now- lived in.
The faces became clearer, sometimes he could almost see them when he closed his eyes, the dreams became intenser, longer, and with each dream he discovered more of this terrifying yet captivating world.
As the faces became clearer, his real life started to blur a little.
He went on with his life as if on auto pilot, not really being there completely at times. He tried to focus on school, on cleaning, on anything really, but it was so, so dificult when the dreams were more vibrant, more exciting and ultimately made him feel more alive than his life here ever did.
Just a little before Levi's 18th birthday, he reached an all time low.
Every flash of neat combed blond hair, a brown ponytail or messy short brown hair made his heart race, only to feel disappointment wrench his gut when it wasn't them. The world around him started to blur more and more, memories burning in the back of his mind when he wasn't careful, making the line between dream and reality even vaguer. He started spacing out more often, losing chunks of time every now and then.
It got worse the week before his birthday. He started spacing out more and more, losing minutes, sometimes hours, before he came back to reality, panicking when he couldn't find Er- or Ha- or E-, only to realize that they weren't here, not in this world, not in this life. It left him confused and the disappointment lingered bitterly in the back of his mind as he tried to remind himself of the here and now.
The day before his birthday was the worst, eyes flew open, heart pumping almost painfully with adrenaline and confusion when he doesn't recognize his surroundings, doesn't see anyone familiar. It takes him long, too long, to realize he's alone in his apartment, that he's safe, that he wasn't actually there. He tightens his unsteady grip around the handles of two sharp knives, you're holding them wrong, a voice in the back of his mind tells him, and he curses under his breath before he throws them in the sink.
That night, Levi barely remembers stumbling into the bathroom, looking for something, looking for them, before he finally collapses from exhaustion and falls in restless sleep and dreams about Titans and finally, finally remembers everything about Erwin, Hanji, his old and new squad, the city surrounded by walls, flying through the sky and finally, Eren Yeager.
And finally, for the first time in the 18 years of his life, Levi feels a little less broken.
Levi feels like shit when he wakes up in his bathroom, muscles sore from the unnatural position he slept in and a shiver runs down his spine, reminding him he fell asleep on the fucking cold bathroom floor, great going there. His head hurts while he tries to process what exactly happened last night.
He slowly gets up, steps under a scalding hot shower and contemplates for a moment just staying there for the rest of the day. It's not like he has much else to do anyway, what a great fucking way to celebrate my birthday. After scrubbing himself clean, twice, he turns off the shower. He feels a little better though the feeling of warm blood still lingers on his hands no matter how many times he washes them.
While drying his hear he walks into his living room and hears his mobile going off, alerting him of a new message. With a sigh and a slight feeling of dread he opens the text.
"Good morning dear, your father and I wish you a happy birthday. You're turning 18 already, you're growing up so fast. Are you doing well, living on your own and everything? We hope you have a nice day and if you don't have other plans, you're always welcome to come home to celebrate with us. It's been a while since you've been home and we miss you. Though we understand if you already have plans, we can always meet another time. We wish you the best, with love, your father and mother.
Something twists in his gut as he reads the message and almost out of reflex, he switches the phone off without replying. He clenches the mobile in his fist, guilt telling him he should answer them, that they don't deserve to be ignored like that. But even though he wants to, he doesn't know what to write, doesn't know what he could possibly tell them that wouldn't worry them even more. He barely understands what's going on himself and honestly, he'd rather not face his parents, last night too fresh in his mind.
He stares at the phone again, still conflicted, before shoving it in his pocket and quickly walks towards the door, grabbing his scarf and gloves and leaves his apartment, shutting the door with a little more force than necessary but it helps, if only a little.
Levi bites back a hiss at the low temperature outside, not too fond of winter in general but the cold wind does helps to clear his head a little. He doesn't really have a destination in mind when he left the house, and after aimlessly wandering around for a while, he eventually decides to head into town.
Trying to keep his mind occupied by concentrating on the people passing him doesn't really work but he has to do something to stop thinking about it. But all he notices are girls chatting away about trivial things, a few boys discussing the soccer match from last night and a few business men complaining about their work. If only everything was as simple for him.
"They're all so full of crap," he mumbles under his breath when he hears another girl talking too loud into her phone, complaining about what "that useless stuck up shit at work" had done. He glares at her as she passes and it seems to shut her up, if only for a moment. It doesn't make him feel better about himself but he can't help the irritation, the annoyance at her meaningless complaints. But despite being annoyed by all the seemingly carefree people around him, deep down Levi can't help thinking that he's the odd one out.
He passes a trio of teenagers chatting away happily, just a little younger than him he guesses, and can't help but think that maybe he's supposed to be more like that. That if maybe he had spent more time on becoming friends with the people in class, he would be more like those teenagers, whose biggest problem was if they would finish their essay that's due tomorrow.
Instead here he is, wondering what the hell those dreams, no, memories mean, where they come from and worry about his sanity through all of it.
Well, the distraction went great for a whopping 5 seconds, Levi thinks dryly, picking up his pace in annoyance before something slams into his chest, hard, knocking the air out of his lungs. Next thing he knows he sees the sky, wait what, and there's a sharp pain at the back of his head.
What the actual fuck, did someone just slam a goddamn do- "Oh god, I think I just hit someone, quick I have to-" A worried voice interrupted his thoughts, pissing him off even more if possible.
"Pay attention to your surroundings instead of slamming the door open, idiot," Levi interrupts the useless rambling of the other person, wondering if this day could possibly get worse. He groans as he feels his head pound a little as he tries to sit up, great. First the fucking shitstorm of memories, then the text from his parents -which he still has to answer, shit- and now this. Fan-fucking-tastic birthday so far, thank god they're only once a year.
Levi wondered if he would even live to see his next birthday if things kept going like this.
"Ah yes, you're right, of course, I'm so sorry, wait a moment I'm getting out-" the guy in the car sounded startled by his outburst but at least had the decency to apologize, Levi thought. It didn't change the fact that he was contemplating on murdering whoever slammed a fucking car door into him, though.
As he pushes himself further up on his elbows he curses under his breath about how this is the worst start of a birthday ever and he should've just stayed in the shower. The guy, what a slow piece of shit, finally steps out the car and hastily crouches next to him, saying something vague about fingers and injuries but his mind doesn't register any of it.
When Levi finally looks up to see the fucking idiot that was responsible for this, he's looking straight into the eyes of Erwin Smith.
Levi felt like his insides are being crushed together, he felt sick and nauseous and his head was burning from the inside out and "what the fuck, is that Erwin," is all he can think before there's a sharp pain in the back of his head, again. As Levi wonders what kind of sick joke from fate this was, he spits out a "fuck" before everything goes black.
"-rried! He -t -is -ead twi-e -n -he p-ment!"
God why is someone talking so freaking loud? Calm down, Levi curses in is head, wondering what the hell is going on. Last thing he remembers is getting slammed down by a car door and next thing he knows his head is hurting like crazy and now someone is shouting and arguing. And oh yeah, it's his birthday. Great.
"Wh- -f he -as -ious head -damage or -ther -ries?!"
He tries to understand what's being said, though he could clearly hear the guy -who was he?- is upset over something, he can't seem to fully understand the meaning of the spoken words. He tries to focus again on the voice and lets out a soft grunt, god his head really hurt but the pain seems to help to get rid of the fuzzy feeling in his mind that tries to pull him down somehow. While taking a deep breath the words were starting to make more sense, finally.
"-ear that? Is he waking up?... Quick, get me some painkillers and ice, I will bring him some water and see how he's doing."
Water. Yes. That was... good, Levi supposed. With his mind clearing up he finally notices he's lying on the back seat of a car, probably the same car that slammed me down, he thinks bitterly, but feels a relieved after seeing it was pretty clean. Not up to his standards but it would do, for now.
As he's thinking about how the car could be improved he feels something nagging at the back of his head, like he's forgetting something important, something major that he shouldn't fo- "I'm glad to hear you're awake, how are you feeling? Would you like some water or perhaps some ice or painkillers?," the man interrupted his thoughts, again, and that guy seriously needed to stop doing that, Levi thinks.
"I'm fine, just give me some water" he answers as he pushes himself up, wincing a little as his headache gets worse. He presses the palm of his hand to his forehead in hopes of relieving the pain, "I'll get something to eat later," he adds as afterthought, distracted by the headache and hoarseness of his voice. As he scratches his throat he notices how dry it feels and reaches out to take the water bottle -still sealed- that's handed to him. Just as he is about to grab it, he finally looks at the man in the front seat, hand freezing mid-air. Oh. Ohh.
Shit. Fuck, of course, Erwin- how could I have forgotten, shit.
"Are you okay? Here, you should drink this and take a few deep breaths," Erwin looks at him worryingly while nudging the water bottle closer. Levi grabs the bottle out of reflex but it takes him a moment before he realizes what he's supposed to do with it. Ah, yes, water, in a bottle, drinking.
He concentrates on opening the cap, refusing to look at Erwin, takes a few sips while wondering what the hell is going on here, how, and more importantly, why doesn't Erwin recognize him?
"You're a little pale, are you sure you don't need painkillers or anything?" though Levi isn't looking at him, he feels Erwin staring not so subtly at him while he stubbornly keeps drinking. He needs a a few more seconds to calm down, to process what's happening here. After a few seconds he slowly lowers the almost empty bottle and screws the cap back on, before he finally looks up and meets Erwin's worried gaze.
"I'm fine, really, I've always been a pale beauty so nothing new there," he states dryly as he looks Erwin straight in the eyes. Erwin just stares back at him, seemingly baffled at his comment and there's a silence between them for a few seconds before Erwin's laugh fills the tense air. Levi merely arches his eyebrow at his unexpected response, Erwin never used to- before remembering that this is not him, not the same Erwin. He scoffs at himself for forgetting.
Erwin abruptly stops laughing, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you by laughing," he quickly apologizes upon noticing his scoff. "It's just that I didn't expect it and-" "It's fine," Levi interrupts him, serves him right for once, "I'm not angry at you for laughing, for laughing I mean, since I could've done without a door hitting me out of the blue."
"That's good to hear, though I truly am sorry for what happened," as Erwin apologizes again but he sounds a bit absentminded and Levi notices the other staring intently at him, as if trying to figure something out, "-I'm sorry, I know this must sound strange but, have we by any chance met before?"
A/N: I don't really know if I like how the chapter turned out, I've been having a lot of trouble with this story but things should pick up from here on and I'm having some ideas for the next chapter so hopefully that'll go smoother. Please let me know if there are any mistakes :)