After one month of practice, it became clear that none of them knew what the Hell they were doing. Only Aragog managed to finish a full song on the drums and Hagrid learned that he can use his beard to play the guitar. The electric accordion killed anyone who played it, so Goyle was very stupid for stealing it from Luna. He thought it was food. It was then swapped out for an electric saxophone. McGonagall did not have any musical talent whatsoever, but she did manage to up the fanservice with her foxy MILF, or rather GILF, looks.

Dumbledore, however, was the most metal singer of all time. He could screech like a banshee, change his pitch like a banshee, dress like a banshee, and managed to write their first song, "Like a Banshee". Dumbledore dressed for success, with a white leather, skintight one-piece, with a glitter codpiece. This, however, scared Ron. Ron also refused to do anything with Aragog as he is a major pussy.

"I don't want to be in the band! Aragog is scary and I've seen too much of Dumbledore's peeny!" shouted Ron, like an infant with a bad rash.

"Oh please," started Aragog, "I just want to hug you, spin a web around you, and suck out your bodily fluids. Is that too scary for you?"

"Yes!" screamed Ron.

"Ron," Luna said, "I've heard that without bodily fluids, people can live up to five years longer than people with bodily fluids."

"No, they can't!"

"Shut up, Ron," said McGonagall, adjusting her diamond-encrusted corset.

"Okay, everyone!" said Hagrid. "It's been one month and…and we don't know any songs."

"I made seven!" said Dumbledore.

"All of them are about making love to little boys. I doubt anyone wants to hear that," said McGonagall.

"Oh, what a coincidence," said Hermione, "our first gig is at a NAMBLA meeting."

"…Nihon Anime and Manga Boys-Love Admirers?" asked Luna, showing the world her fudoshi side.

"Close," said Hermione. "It's actually the North American Man/Boy Love Association. People, we're going to NEW YORK CITY!!!"

"NEW YORK!" echoed her breasts.

"No! I'm not going anywhere! This band is scaring me!" screamed Ron, like a bitch.

"Do it or I'll burn your 'ouse down!" shouted Hagrid.

"But it already burned down…"

"No! No excuses!"

Three days later, Hagrid and the Skoolgurlz landed in New York City. Around them, cowboys and Indians were fighting using falling stocks. Don't ask how that works. One of the cowboys, who looked suspiciously like J.D. from Scrubs, came up to the band.

"Hello, welcome to America. I'm the sheriff of America!" said the Jewish cowboy.

"…I WANNA GO HOME!!!!" shouted Ron, like a bitch.

"Shut up, Ron," said the Jewish cowboy, somehow knowing his name. "Anyway, you all heain' to the NAMBLA meatin'? I guess ya'll best hurry before it becomes overpopulated with the Yoai Fangirls who try to sneak in."

"Yaoi? They have that here, too? I thought it was only at Hogwarts," said Luna. "But, I'm never in them. Only the boys… and sometimes Hermione."

"And I'm always such a bitch!" said Hermione.

"And flat," added her breasts.

And so, the wizards, witches, and giant effing spiders rode on a giant train heading for the NYC NAMBLA meeting. Once they got off of the now half-devoured train, the band went into the meeting, seeing many, many, many old white men in their forties holding hands with small Asian boys.

"Wow, it's like an anime convention," said Luna, "Only the men aren't dressed as Sailor Moon."

As Hermione made many of the token women members of NAMBLA set up the stage, Dumbledore and Hagrid slipped into their leather. Ron was busy running away from a particularly large man, Luna was taking pictures, and McGonagall immediately recognized her brother in the masses of pedophiles.

The band went onstage and Dumbledore shouted into the microphone.

"HELLO, APPLESAUCE! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!"

"Yes!" screamed the men.

"No," said the little boys.

"Okay! This is a little song I call 'On My Head'," screamed Dumbledore.

Ron began to rock out of the bass, but the realized he was holding the fish, not the instrument. Luna shot out some beats on her electric saxophone, and McGonagall strummed on her guitar. Aragog played three drum sets at once. Hagrid's beard rocked out on his guitar, and he himself busted out some dance moves. Dumbledore then began to sing.

NAMBLA*beep**beep**beep**beep*BOY'S LOVE*beep**beep**beep**beep*ON MY HEAD*beep**beep**beep**beep*

*beep*ROCKING*beep**beep**beep**beep*LISA NEEDS BRACES*beep**beep**beep**beep*

*beep**beep**beep*METAL*beep**beep*MURMAIDER*beep**beep*ON MY HEAD*beep**beep*

*beep**beep*CHEWING GUM*beep**beep*SILVER*beep**beep*GLOWING*beep**beep**beep*

*beep**beep**beep**beep**beep*DENTAL PLAN*beep**beep*PUMPKIN*beep**beep*

*beep*BEYOND THE IMPOSSIBLE*beep**beep**beep*J.K. ROWLING*beep*PEDOS*beep**beep*I'MA LET YOU FINISH, BUT BEYONCE*beep**beep*

*beep**beep*YAOI FANGIRLS*beep**beep**beep**beep**beep*BILL NYE THE SCIENCE GUY*beep**beep*

*beep**beep**beep*PROTECT MY BALLS*beep**beep*APPLESAUCE*beep*LITTLE BOY'S*beep**beep**beep*MIKU HATSUNE

*beep**beep**beep**beep*LET'S FIGHTING LOVE*beep**beep**beep**beep**beep*

*beep**beep**beep**beep**beep**beep**beep**beep**beep*ON MY HEAD!!!

The music was so metal, that all of the little boys aged seven years and grew beards. The old men then ran away, un-aroused and screaming "Eww, gay!". The boys then rejoiced in freedom and also ran away.

"Woohoo, we rocked!" said Hagrid.

"Woohoo, I sang like a Banshee!" said Dumbledore.

"Woohoo, they paid upfront!" said Hermione. "This one's going straight into the implant fund."

"YAY!" said everyone.

"And I got souvenirs," said Luna as she dragged two boys with her. "They'll make better pets than my old Granglops."

"Now then, where to next?" asked Hermione.

"Let's metal out in California!" screamed Hagrid.

"No, Hungary. It's the gay porn capital of the world!" said Luna.

"I vote Hungary!" shouted Dumbledore.

"I wanna go home!" said Ron, bitching again.

"Well, Bloody Gothic Rose 666 is touring in California, so Hungary it is," said Hermione. "I heard that they have money out the ass, anyway."

"What's coming out the ass?" asked Dumbledore.

"I say, isn't the school in trouble without us?" asked McGonagall, suddenly noticing that she hadn't taught her class since she joined the band.

"No, Snape will handle it," said Dumbledore.

Meanwhile, Snape had all the children in Hogwarts above a lava pit. Each child was connected to a rope that Snape could easily cut.

"Now, each one of you must answer a question correctly to survive. If one student answers a question incorrectly, they will fall into the pit. Now then, you child! What is a fire crab native to?"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'M DEAF!" said the child.

"Wrong," said Snape. Snape then cut the child loose and the child burned. Badly.

"I knew I should have gone with them," said Harry through burning eyes.