A/N: there have been requests for flashbacks of Natsuki and Nao taking care of the twins in their earlier days...This chapter wasn't meant for flashbacks, that's actually chapter three... That chapter will be a flashback heavy chapter...So, sorry to say, you'll have to wait until I've edited that one before it can get posted...the reason I did that is because this chapter is a heavy one with lots of deep themes, and in a few ways, it get's a little dark. Chapter three will be your reprieve from that...
At any rate, I hope you enjoy this chapter...
I don't own Mai HiME.
White Fence:
Chapter Two
(Natsuki POV)
The chapel was a decent place to hide out, and in all honesty, I was sad when we had to leave it behind. Onwards and upwards were two things, that I admit, scared me when I was a teen. It was easy to get lost in a half baked routine of hardly caring, and fighting the very world around you. There are particular expectations, that I find just can't be met when you're some idiot kid. Especially when you're trying to be such an important person for someone else. Money is one of the bigger issues that seems to come to the surface. Now, you see, being the type of person that I was, from the background of what little I could remember about my family, I knew that the government funding had me well taken care of.
When it cut me off, however, I realized just how important money really was. My diet, which at one point had been filled with fast food, and questionably acquired booze, took a nose dive into the extremely cheep. I'm not talking about the instant noodle packages kind of cheep either. No, that was a luxury I didn't have. I'm talking about cooked rice every night, with nothing of flavor on it...that's the type of cheep I'm talking about. It was all we could afford for the most part, unless Nao got pissed and went to go shoplift some real food. I'm ashamed to say, she and I did that more often than I want to admit.
We also stole the baby formula as well...sometimes we would take our pocket knives to the diaper isle and snag a few out of the bags...we did a lot of things like that/ Had to take care of them somehow.
Anyway, that couldn't last for very long, and since my grades in school had plummeted, I'd considered heavily dropping out...in fact, I did drop out for a few months, as I worked my way into a trade school. I work for a small, independent construction company, because that was the only type of training I could get at the time...being a laborer gave me crappy benefits and minimum wage. The hourly earnings meant pizza boxes were again at my fingertips, and so too, an honest living. Well, as honest as someone like me could get...Nao still stole booze...and broke the machines at the arcade for coins and free playing.
Now, I'm actually a foreman, having built enough experience to be able to look at what needs to be done, without much screwing around. It's a decent way to live, I don't have any complaints...
...
"Oh, come off it." Nao cackled as she sat sideways in her chair, making fun of Natsuki's current situation. She rocked back and forth, the squeaking of the rusted springs, grating on their ears. "When was the last time you got laid?"
"It depends on what you're talking about." Natsuki rolled her eyes as she went about collecting the pink slips of paper that littered her desk. "If you mean the drunken stupor type of laid, last time that happened, was when you and I decided we should down that fifth in under two hours." One of the moments she wasn't at all proud of, and that she had put behind her. Thankfully, she didn't actually remember any of that night, and only woke up with Nao next to her, naked. "If you mean one night stand, type of laid...I'd say, about four years ago, when Aki had that smoking hot track coach."
"I'm still surprised that didn't work out." Nao mumbled under her breath as she handed Natsuki the finished billing information. "You two had a perfect relationship. She would have done anything for you...she was eating out of the palm of your hand every time you so much as blinked at her. Why the hell did you let a total babe like that get away?"
"It was all superficial." Natsuki began, as she leaned back in her chair. "She seemed really interested, I guess." The day was going by at a snails pace. "There were just...there were things that told me it wouldn't last." There really wasn't anything else better to do unless the phone rang, so she gave up, and humored Nao's fascination. "The woman was only looking for a way to pass the lonely nights. In the end, she really wanted a man. Besides, Aki would have shat bricks if she found out." The retort was met with a low grumble.
"There's always an answer someplace." Nao hated it...she kept playing matchmaker, and it kept failing. "You're long overdue, get back in the saddle, would ya? You're still young, you've got time." Now that Natsuki had actually taken an interest in another woman, Nao would be hell bent to see that things pulled through for the better.
"I get what you're saying, and I understand it...but, Shizuru's different. I've got to be careful." Natsuki often wondered what it would be like, to just damn the consequences so easily. Still, she wasn't that type of person. "I don't want to hurt anyone in this."
"This could be a really good thing for you, don't knock it." The office was quiet, and without much to do, Nao contented herself with trying to balance a pencil on the tip of her nose. The fan that kept the room cool was busted, and the vending machine was out of anything decent to eat. Even the internet that normally kept her amused seemed dull today. "Natsuki..." Nao wasn't normally one to pry into the affairs of Natsuki's life, but for the first time, in a long time, Nao felt as if she had to step up and help out. "If Aki doesn't approve of this, you know I'll watch out for her."
"She's my daughter...that's my place, not yours." Natsuki clenched her fists at that, biting her lip. "I really like Shizuru, and I have a good feeling that if this were any other type of situation, we could really go places. The problem is, I feel like I'm playing with fire."
"Just go enjoy dinner." Nao finally sighed shaking her head. "You don't to fall in love with her, I'm not even asking you to tell her everything." Still, Nao could see it, hidden in the depths. "Just worry about yourself for a change, that's all I want you to do." She knew, Natsuki was already beyond the tentative steps of friendship. "If something goes from there, more power to you."
"Yeah..." The innocent kisses that the two of them had begun to share were far more foreboding that Natsuki would actually admit. "I'll enjoy myself, for tonight at least."
The drive home wasn't long, but it seemed to take longer than Natsuki was used to. She kept playing ideas in her mind, a depth that seemed to dance around without any solid ground. She knew she couldn't put it off...she didn't have the luxury to do it forever, and so she tried her damnedest to mentally prepare for the event that scared her the most. There were so many ways she could go about it, but each idea she had, she threw out of her mind, rejecting the very thought of saying the words. What could she say, after all? Anything would sound wrong, perverse, and ruined by the heart of the matter...Natsuki knew she would be squeezing the life out of the woman, merely by mentioning the truth.
Yet, Natsuki knew, it had to be done.
Natsuki parked her pickup truck in the garage, and went to change out of her uniform. It had been a slow day, for that she was thankful. She could reuse the same blue jumpsuit tomorrow so she just put it up on the hanger. She dressed casually, something she always insisted upon when she had a choice, grabbing a pair of jeans that didn't have a hole in them, and black shirt that was in decent condition. She left her hair well enough alone in the ponytail it had been in all day. With a shrug, and a slightly worried sigh, she finally decided it was time to walk next door.
Shizuru's garden was looking fancier by the day. It framed the house nicely, especially under the large picture window. Different colored stones lined the walkway to the front porch...and even that had fine attention to detail. Natsuki noticed the wooden door was left open, and the glass door that she stood in front of showcased Shizuru, frolicking around in the kitchen. A sight to behold, if it were any other day. With the wooden door open like this, Natsuki knew it was an invitation to just walk in, so she allowed herself to step foot into the small entryway and living area.
Natsuki didn't have the heart to gaze at the mantle, where photos of the past seemed to be evident in every part of Shizuru's life. It was the first time she'd stepped foot into this house since it had an owner, and Natsuki bit her lower lip as she forced herself not to say a word. The warm home seemed devoid of Shizuru's current life. All over, there were keepsakes of times not so long ago, including, if Natsuki wasn't mistaken, two sets of little feet, imprinted into molded clay, and they day that they were born.
Natsuki smiled at that knowledge, because it was something she never had conclusive evidence of. She had been forced to hazard a guess at how old they were, back when she had forged the family register. Now she knew, she wasn't all that far off. Still, it was this type of thing she had always wished she knew. She hadn't the time to let the tenderness of the knowledge sink in. All too quickly, she remembered why she was here.
Slender arms slid around her form, embracing her from behind. "I've missed you." It was a soft, gentle purr, and Natsuki gulped in reply. There was something bout Shizuru, the way she would always greet Natsuki with the intent of intimacy. The warm breath tickled the back of her neck. a teasing hint, that nearly begged for more.
"I missed you too." She turned to face the woman who was just a little taller than her, a soft smile playing on her lips as she cupped Shizuru's cheek, bringing her in for a slow, but meaningful kiss. It was with a blissful sigh that she parted her lips ever so slightly, to taste the sweetness that lingered there. She wanted to to deepen the kiss, and maneuver the woman over to the sofa nearby, but thought better of it. Still, her body screamed at her as the scent of perfume intoxicated her. Instead, she pulled away, relinquishing to the fact that it would be inviting trouble. "I was only gone for a few hours."
"Long enough for me to miss you." Shizuru's words caught Natsuki off guard for a moment. "The roast isn't quite done yet, I regret to say."
"I can wait." Natsuki wanted to pretend she wasn't at all moved by the way Shizuru's fingers danced in circles along her back, but her eyes weren't good at deception. Her breath felt heavy, and her mind began to swim. "I'm not any good at this, you realize." Natsuki murmured when Shizuru began to play with the fabric of Natsuki's shirt, teasing the skin beneath it with her nails. "Dating and I, it never really goes hand in hand." Still even as she said it, she welcomed the advances that seemed so readily offered.
"I wouldn't know." Shizuru's words were soft. However, it was the way her deep pools of crimson glowed, that told of truth the most. "I don't date." It wasn't just lust in her eyes. Such a thing could easily deceive even the most dense of people. "I even hate the word." There was a real fear there, laying out in the open, the uncertainty was the dead giveaway. "I don't casually play around, either." This wasn't going to be a one night stand, nor a cheep fling. "Sometimes, I wish I could."
It wasn't exactly a confession of anything profound, however, the admittance had been there, buried under her words.
"We're both consenting women, what we do behind closed doors doesn't need a definition." That was always the key...closeted and hidden away from those who mattered most. "We don't need to call this dating." It most certainly could be called playing around, though. Natsuki wondered what kind of reaction she would get, if she were to fully give into those teasing hands, making advances of her own. "We don't even have to have dinner, if all you want is to be held." In all honesty, that front could be damned to hell.
Shizuru didn't need to offer such kindness, if all she wanted were a few moments of bliss.
"You make it so easy." Shizuru said then, feeling somewhat guilty. "I'm sure you've been down this road before. Doesn't it bother you?" That was the question that bothered her the most. Natsuki pulled her into another kiss, forgoing the barriers of restrictive cloth, as she slid her hand completely under the blouse Shizuru had on. She thought even for a moment, to pull it off completely, but pulled out of the kiss before that could happen.
"It doesn't bother me at all." Natsuki hoped she'd gotten her point across. "I wish it did, because I'm the one who should be guilty. I'm the one who wants something that has the potential to hurt everyone around me." She wanted this, whatever the feeling was that tumbled around in her belly. She craved the way it warmed her chest, and made her feel like something other than a victim of circumstance. She wanted those crimson eyes to look at her, and see someone else. Not a single mother, without any strong man to take care of her. She wasn't stupid, she'd heard the whispers that had been flung her way in the past...she'd endured how her children were always to blame, they were always the odd ones out...simply because they hadn't had a father.
"Guilt can be shared, you know." Her fingers found their way to the clasp of Natsuki's bra, and for a moment, Shizuru wanted to just stop what she was doing, and even thought about backing away. It felt so right, touching another in ways that were deliciously sinful, and yet, inherently innocent. "However, I would regret our intentions, if we were to feel such a thing."
"I wouldn't regret our time spend together." Natsuki said then, it was the defining moment, and she couldn't simply cast it away. "I haven't been as honest with you as I want to be." She knew, if she had any hope of making this feeling last, she would have to deal with the truth. "But, I'm afraid that once I say the things I want to say, that you'll reject everything...maybe, you'll even hate me."
"I doubt anything you have to say, could be so terrible." Shizuru felt Natsuki's strong back tense up, a fearful apprehension coiling tightly around her. "What could be so bad, Natsuki?"
What indeed? There was any number of things that could spill out of her mouth, but she refused to let it become an accusation. Instead, she pulled out her wallet, containing the only family photos she had of when the twins were babies. Her fingers shook as she gripped the leather. "The bottom picture, going up..." Natsuki tried hard to swallow the lump in the back of her throat, as Shizuru took hold of the black leather wallet, watching as the photos unfolded in a long line. "It was how they grew up." Natsuki could hardly force her voice to do anything but shake. "I tried to do the best I could for them, really I did." The fear was tangible now. "They've grown up so much, but they're still so young in a lot of ways." She prayed Shizuru wouldn't try to take them away, and she waited for the hammer to fall.
"Natsuki, please..." Instead, she felt a thumb brush away a stray tear that had slipped from her clenched eyes. "I'm the one who wants to cry." Yet, Shizuru couldn't bring herself to do it. She felt empty, a pain twisted deeply in her heart, and she couldn't do anything about that now. The bottom photo was indeed the truest answer. There wasn't anyway to confuse the facts. Still, as her crimson eyes followed each picture up the line, she could see a glimpse into their lives. Living in the house nearby, gave even more truth to the care Natsuki had taken to keep them safe and warm. "I'm grateful." Shizuru's hands were numb, and the wallet fell to the floor, what few bills Natsuki had inside, spilling out.
"You're hurt." Natsuki shot back, worried more than anything. "And you have every right to be."
"No, I don't." The pain was strong, yes, but it wasn't Natsuki that was to blame. "I left them at the mercy of an old convent. I gave them up without any idea how they would be, or if they were even happy there. I couldn't even keep track of them, because the one day, when I went to go see if they were doing well, I found the chapel abandoned, with liquor bottles all over the floor." Shizuru released a breath she'd been holding for years, and relief flooded her eyes. "The white bassinet was there, but they weren't. The windows were boarded up..." A sob finally broke through. "You've no idea the things that ran rampant...awful, terrible fates ran through my head."
"Nao was probably smashed off her ass." Natsuki said quietly, more to herself than anything, before pulling Shizuru into her embrace. "They're alright." It was barely a whisper. "They've been with me the entire time. Nothing bad happened." Even if she was the one that said the words, she could hardly hear them herself. "We got by, did what we had to do...even in the hard times, they've been strong, Shizuru. They've been good kids, you couldn't have asked for better children."
…
(Natsuki POV)
Today is Saturday...I know that because the clouds in the sky tell me that the sun has been up for several hours, and the overcast is our only savior from the blinding light that would have been in our faces. I know for a fact we burned the roast, but we ended up eating it anyway, before having some wine, and then...dear gods...I just hope Shizuru doesn't regret it.
I'm not the most open person, and I don't always state my feelings clearly. In fact, that's my biggest downfall. If I love someone, I find it hard to say. Repressed memories have a lot to do with that, but, the truth is, I find it difficult to say exactly what I mean. With Shizuru, it's even more difficult. As much as I wanted to tell her how I felt about her, I couldn't make it work. I held her in my arms as years of poison fell from her eyes. She must have felt so damn guilty, knowing she left her babies with some strange teenager. I wanted to take the pain away, and I'll admit, I was lost in the moment.
I didn't think about the ramifications of what I was doing, not when I started kissing her. She was already so far gone, so upset by the real truth of that matter, and yet, it was like a weight had been lifted off of her. So many conflicting feelings mingled for both of us, and honestly, it would have been better if I had gone home. I wish I could say that I was a stronger person, a better person...but I wasn't. All I could think of to do, was kiss her...make her feel something else, anything else...but that kiss deepened, and the flood gates broke. I would have ended it there, if I had been a person with morals...but I damned them to hell, and I wonder honestly, if this is what they talk about in all those movies you see on television.
I remember clearly what I did...what we shared...but I don't know how I should feel about it.
It was a night of tear stained confessions that ebbed into lovemaking, and it wasn't on the bed, nor the sofa...it was on the floor, smack dab in the middle of the front room. We were kissing, standing there like lost souls, looking for a chance to let go of our sins, and then, something just snapped. I unfastened one button on her top, only one, and the invitation was like a firework, and she damned my soft caress to hell. Literally, Shizuru gave up any pretense of being worried or afraid, she just wanted the hurt to go away, I could tell...and she thought, for whatever reason, that I could be the one to do it.
Clothes were abandoned at a fast pace, but so too, were our inhibitions. What had been a slow and gentle kiss, turned greedy and sloppy, and we tried our damnedest not to lose our balance. It was outright stupid when she lowered herself onto the floor sharply, her knees contacting the wood abruptly. She didn't care how bruised she was going to be, as she claimed my slick arousal with her tongue. It was primal, and I couldn't get it out of my mind. I felt dirty with my jeans around my ankles, but it was all I could do to keep from crying out as I bit down on one of my knuckles. I didn't want to stop her, I didn't want to push her away.
God knows she needed the acceptance...I gave it to her willingly...I even begged for her not to tease me when I was so close to going over the edge. I remember that clearly...the look in her eyes as I let my fingers tangle into her soft tresses. I've never been so submissive in my life, but for her, I wanted to take her pain away. Her kisses kept arousing me further, even after I was spent, breathless, and laying on the floor. It was when she leaned in to kiss me, and I could taste myself on her glistening lips, that it finally hit me...what we were doing. The pain in my hand, and the visible mark is solid evidence of that much...but it all blurs over.
It gets hazy right after she grabs my hand, and I feel her womanhood for the first time...I let myself just let go of everything...I know that, because that's the way I am in bed. I don't think clearly, or in this case, I don't think at all...I let myself follow in the order of whatever my bedfellow wants...and I know that's what I did this time. I just hope she doesn't hate me for it. I don't think I could deal with it, if she hated me...I didn't tell her everything to hurt her.
I did it because...
God damn it...I'm weak...
I can give all the excuses in the world, but I still hurt her...
Yet, even so, I did it because I love her...
Because I want her to be happy.
I want to be happy, too.
That isn't a crime...what we did, it wasn't wrong, or breaking any laws...we were just letting go of a lot of stress...I know that...but, I also wonder where this puts us. Who can I be to her? More importantly, what will she let herself become to others? I just wish I knew...that I had all of the answers...but I don't, and that's what I'm afraid of.
…
Her entire body was sore, as she sleepily reached across the length of the wide area rug to grab her jeans that were crumpled haphazardly into a ball. There were no messages for her, and with a sigh of relief, she gently shook Shizuru awake. It was already ten in the morning, and the window showed everything in truest form. "Shizuru, you need to get up." Natsuki mumbled, as she grabbed her lacy panties that had been jumbled in with the rest of their clothes.
"I'm quite content to lay here for a few minuets more, if it's all the same to you." Natsuki wished that was the case, Shizuru's voice had that type of calming tone to it. "We could be lazy all day, that would be nice." An escape, that's what Shizuru wanted most right now, and found that solace here, in Natsuki's arms.
"It would be, if we weren't on display." Natsuki prayed that no one had walked by, but she knew that was unlikely. "Kane and Aki have a really bad tendency to cut across people's lawns. This is the last thing they need to see." Natsuki had other things to check on anyway, and she regretted that fact that her day wouldn't simply go away because she wanted it to. "I have to go back to my house for a few, get some things sorted out. I wish it could wait, but it can't." She frowned when she realized her bra had been stretched just the slightest bit, but didn't comment on it, instead throwing on the rest of her clothes. "If you come with me, I can do the errands and fix us some breakfast."
Shizuru stayed quiet, but nodded her head. "I would like that." Honestly, she really didn't want to be away from this new warmth in her life. Her entire world had been promptly turned upside down, and Natsuki was the only tie that bound her to the pathway of hope.
The travel, though only a moment, seemed like an eternity thundering in Shizuru's ears. At first, she felt uneasy, walking through the front door of Natsuki's home. There were no photos of family and friends...the house was actually quite plain, lacking perhaps, the grace of decorum. There were a pair of nearly destroyed sneakers at the door, and at that Shizuru again had to stop and take a breath, centering her world yet again. "Tell me about them..." It was more of a hopeful question than anything.
Natsuki looked up from the desk that was in the corner of the room. "If you want..." Among the decals that had been slapped haphazardly all over the computer, and the desk, that looked like it had seen more than it's fair share of nail polish, Natsuki managed to find the paperwork she was looking for, and began to start up the copy machine. "I'd rather not though." Natsuki bit her lip as she handed Shizuru the paperwork that she was going to be sending out. They were transcripts for the choice high schools in the area. "I think it would be best, if you got to know them yourself, and not through my eyes."
Some of the high schools were several hours away, meaning Kane would have to live on campus. Shizuru's eyes followed each page, and for the first time, she was able to see a tangible growth in one of her children. All of Kane's grades were excellent, at least, when he put in the effort. "Some of these schools are going to reject him..." Many of the ones on the list were privatized. "They're snobbish to a fault."
Natsuki didn't even flinch at that. "These were the schools he picked himself." She knew that was the truth as well. At best, Kane would likely get into one of the nearby public high schools. "I'm not going to deny him, simply because you and I both know that...if the schools don't want him, that's their choice. I'm still going to support his honest effort, regardless." Still, there was that slim hope, and with two pages of different places on his list, she couldn't say he was being overly picky about them either. "There's a good chance he would qualify for one of the reserved lists, and that's what I'm hoping for."
"Do they both wish to excel in academics that much?" Shizuru hoped that was the case, but Natsuki's frown spoke otherwise.
"Aki will likely drop out after this year, if she's smart enough to keep out of trouble." Natsuki wanted there to be something good to say about it, but she came up short. Aki wasn't a problem child by nature, and as a teen, even if she had an attitude, she wasn't a bad kid. Still, academically, Aki was nearly the bottom of the barrel. The environment didn't suit her, just as it hadn't suited Natsuki. "Aki's a fighter, through and through...but, school isn't any place for her. It would be best if she took a trade school of some nature...although, most of the good ones require a high school diploma. The other option is that she becomes an apprentice like I did, personally I think that would be the best option. Aki thrives with people she knows she can trust."
"So, these were the errands that you had to get done?" There was a pang of sadness Shizuru couldn't keep out of her voice, but Natsuki only nodded at her...typing away an email before sending it away, and shutting down the computer completely.
"That, and cooking things to freeze, I've got four late nights this week, and if they don't have something microwaveable, I'm afraid they'll set fire to the kitchen." That was only part of it, but Natsuki smiled anyway. "I've also gotta do the laundry, and repair the water heater, or we'll freeze on Monday morning. Cold showers suck."
"Yet, you seem so happy. Honestly, I'm surprised you aren't tired out yet." Shizuru tried to remember a time when she had someone else to worry about, but she fell sort. Her entire life and been void of that importance...perhaps that was why she'd gotten herself into such a problematic situation as a teen. "I've never had to worry about anyone else, so, I can't say that I understand."
"I was lonely." Natsuki said suddenly, as she led them into the kitchen so that she could begin breakfast. "My past isn't something I talk about, but I was on my own when I was still very young." She didn't know why she felt the need to open up so deeply, but, she wanted her life to be heard by someone...and if she was going to speak to anyone about it, Shizuru seemed the perfect candidate.
"Sometimes, I don't even know how I got by...the only thing I can say, was that I had luck on my side, and a lot of aid from the government before I was cut off." Natsuki reached up, and pulled down one of the few pictures she had, and gave it to Shizuru before she began to crack the eggs on the skillet. "The carrot top is named Mai...she's married and has one daughter. The one flipping off the camera is Nao...she helped me the most when I really needed it...she's like family to them, because she was always there for them when they were little."
"They look so happy there..." The picture had been taken in the chapel. "How old were they, when you took this?" Shizuru wanted to know the age of the twins, who were both sticking their tongues out at the camera...it was without a doubt Natsuki had taken it, since she wasn't in the group.
"Well, you and I are nearly two months apart on our dates." Natsuki wondered if it was wise to continue that line of thought, but Shizuru's expectant gaze encouraged her. "I had to guess how old they were, there wasn't any note or anything...so we just assumed-" Natsuki cut herself off with a slight cough, and cleared her throat. "Anyway...in that picture, they were three...it was our last day in the chapel, before we moved to the first of eight different apartments...we settled here a few years back, but up until then, we had to move a lot."
Shizuru let her fingers tap the glass softly before sighing. "It all sounds so surreal." As she watched Natsuki cook breakfast, she couldn't help but take notice of the messy kitchen, well lived in, surely...but not nearly as spic and span as one would hope. "I wish I knew what to make of all of this." She still felt the guilt wash over her, and each time it did, the wave grew stronger. "You did what I was unable to do. It's amazing, really it is...but I can't help but feel as if this is some way to torture me..as if I haven't done that to myself enough over the years...whatever entity is out there must be laughing."
"I used to think along those lines too, back when I was still a kid." Natsuki sighed as she took the eggs off of the skillet, freshly cooked, and passed the plate across the counter. "I felt like I didn't have a meaning...that I was worthless...I honestly didn't have anything. I was just an orphan, no one wanted to deal with me, foster parents didn't understand...finally, at fifteen they gave up on me, let me go. I had friends, but they wouldn't have been enough...they could go on without me...but the twins..."
Natsuki smiled then, though tears laced her eyes. "They were orphans too...I was afraid no one would want them either...just like no one wanted me. It might have been foolish, but I found so much hope in them. They depended on me, and I needed to be needed...I needed to have a reason to keep on going, and they gave me that."
"This really is a sordid mess, isn't it?" Shizuru hadn't the heart to say all that had gone wrong...how much she's screwed up, further nailing herself away on the cross of guilt.
"Don't think of it like that..." Natsuki said as she came around to hold Shizuru in her arms. "I made peace with myself a long time ago, my life wasn't going to be perfect. I had to give up a lot of things, but I know I always gained more than I lost. Luck was on my side Shizuru, because I did find you...it took longer than I expected, and yeah, it's a fluke at best but..." She shook her head, it was an outright godsend. "I don't want you to apologize." Natsuki finally said. "I don't know why you left them there, but you did...but, you're here now, Shizuru. They deserve to know who you are...they have a right to have you in their lives...and you have a right to love them just as much as I do."
"Would they feel the same way?" The question was dry, but filled with an uneasy subtly.
"It's hard to say, really." Natsuki swallowed at that.
"Natsuki, I mean it..." Shizuru needed time to think, time to put everything into place. She couldn't act rashly on a whim. "I've already done enough damage, I don't want to get involved in their happiness if they're only going to get hurt."
Natsuki stiffened at that, and forced herself to be rational, even if she too, felt the pull of cowardice. "They're going to get hurt, Shizuru." Natsuki couldn't keep the protective shield in place forever. "They'll get hurt anyway. Life just hurts...they know that. There are times I can't protect them." She pulled her midnight hair away from her face, and tried to calm herself, Shizuru's intense stare doing nothing to calm the tension. "This isn't the same thing as kissing a scrape, I know that...but they aren't the babies you knew either. They're old enough to start asking real questions...ones I don't have the answers for. Aki, pressed me about her dad, and I had to tell her she didn't have one." Natsuki had to suppress a curse, wishing Shizuru would understand.
"That isn't so far from the truth." A dark chuckle slipped from between thin lips. "Their father was an older man, but he stayed out of the picture. He was supposed to be my betrothed." Shizuru licked her lips, her family history was a delicate matter. "It wasn't consensual, although, he claimed that it was." She embraced Natsuki tighter, seeking the warmth...the protection she found, sighing into the rumpled black shirt. "I was disowned from my family when they found out I was pregnant. I lived with some distant relatives until I gave birth, but then, I was on my own. I tried to make ends meet, but I realized how hard the real world actually was. My father gave me a choice. He would accept me back, allow me to to retake my place among the family...but only if I gave them up. It was either that, or live out on the streets...I knew if I kept them, they wouldn't stand a chance."
"If I had opened that damned door sooner." Natsuki all but growled. "Shizuru, dear god, I'm so sorry."
"Don't blame yourself." It was just a relief to know everything had turned out okay. "My family is out of my life now...I walked away after I turned eighteen and collected a percentage of the fortune. It was enough to put myself through school, and working in nutritional anthropology pays more than I ever thought I could make." Not a day went by, however, that she didn't think about the children she'd left behind. Praying beyond all hope, they they'd been given the chance they needed. "I'm alright now...but, I'm afraid to hurt them. It was bad enough I had to leave them once...I don't want to walk back in, if it means they'll suffer."
"Being a family isn't always easy." Natsuki began, she could see the fear...she felt it run through her veins just as deeply. "Sometimes, it's really hard. They'll have to learn to accept things, because that is apart of what being a family means. I want you to be apart of their lives, I know that's what's best for them. It's what I want for myself too. I want you to be in our lives. It isn't going to be easy, it'll probably be the hardest thing any of us have ever had to face...but it'll make them stronger...Aki will grow as a person because of it. They need this, Shizuru...and so do you and I."
Natsuki refused to let things end before it could even begin. Selfishly, she wanted to hold Shizuru in her arms forever. If that made her a bad person, she would accept the pain that it brought. The burdens all seemed to lift away, when she let herself melt into a heated kiss. Breakfast went forgotten, but Natsuki wasn't hungry anyway. The warmth of Shizuru's body was chasing away the autumn cold, and that was all that mattered. This love was new, and quite the quandary, but questions wouldn't come to her as she swept them both away...the chores left well enough alone, as she took Shizuru to her bed.
There no one would look, no one would judge...and for a few hours at least, they could lock out the world, and begin to let love wash away the old scars.