Wounds Fade but Scars Don't
Chapter 2
Pain, Lies, Fear, Denial
Warning: Mentions of self harm, negative thoughts, and eating disorders…you've been warned
Disclaimer: I don't own Shadowhunters, I only own this particular story that your hopefully enjoying
You woke up the next morning to the stinging of your hip. You accepted it knowing it meant you wouldn't forget all die why you did what you did. It would remind you to not screw up again. 'Mother would be so proud.' You thought bitterly rolling your eyes.
You crawled out of bed preparing for the day and the new hunt that would come with it. Honestly you loved your life. You couldn't imagine doing anything else, it wouldn't compare. Your only issue with your life was you. You couldn't let yourself down by not working hard enough. It would serve no purpose in this world. Clary had hardly been here but a few months and she was already catching up to you. Who had been in the institute since birth! You didn't mind Clary, heck you were friends, but that nugget of information rubbed your skin raw.
You walked into the main area of the facility before detouring to the training room. Opting out of breakfast since no one would be there to watch you eat. You began practicing with the knives. Training was like heaven for you. It was just you, some music, and your opponent (who happened to be a mannequin in this case). It was about the only alone time you got in a place like this. You loved your friends and all but sometimes you craved this time where talking wasn't required. You were so deep in your thoughts you didn't notice Alec walk up behind you. It wasn't until you started to feel dizzy did he make his presence known. You had barely leaned down on one knee before he was at your side. "Hey are you okay!" You looked up at him panting. You smiled lightly nodding your head trying to get rid of the concern that was etched onto his face.
"I'm fine Alec, just need a drink is all." Alec watched you skeptically for a second before continuing the conversation.
"Probably some food too. You've probably built up an appetite, come on lets go to Junes (it's a restaurant that you and Alec have gone to for years together). You smiled nodding your head while desperately trying not to show how nervous the thought of eating made you.
"Yeah sounds great, I'll just get a shower and meet you in the center." Alec nodded smiling brightly, while also effectively making your heart melt. It was nice to know you could still bring a smile to Alec's face. You ran off to get a shower…and empty your stomach for your lunch.
After you could only feel acid in your throat you brushed your teeth and put a piece of gum in your mouth effectively hiding the stench and making you feel slightly less hungry. You met Alec by the entrance and were on your merry way. The two of you laughed and talked the whole way to the restaurant. It had been so long since it had just been the two of you. It felt so nice to have something be constant in your constantly changing world.
"Okay so anything new going on in life?" Alec asked after a moment causing you to roll your eyes dramatically.
"Oh my gosh tons so glad you ask!" You spoke sarcastically causing Alec to have to hide his laugh (which he failed of course, he was never able to not laugh when around you). "I trained today…yesterday…and guess what! The day before that too!" You kept up the charade, it would be too fun to do otherwise.
"Wow. Seems like you've been incredibly busy" Alec said playing along as he always did with you.
"I know right! I'm gonna have to take a vacation or something!" The two of you broke out laughing. "Man I've missed this." You spoke after finally getting your breath back. Alec nodded looking up at you with those sincere eyes.
"Yeah me too. Sorry, I guess with Magnus and all we haven't spent much time together." You shook your head not wanting to hear it.
"Alec I adore Magnus and I am so happy for the two of you! You have every right to want to spend time with him! I'm not upset or anything, trust me." He looked relieved as he took a bite of his burger. This caused you to look down at your own burger. You knew that the bread itself was a curse, but taking it off would only cause Alec to be suspicious. You looked up once more noticing Alec watching your curiously.
"Something wrong with your burger? If it's not cooked enough you could take it back and get a new one." Alec knew your distaste for anything that wasn't cooked all the way. You shook your head smiling before taking a large bite.
"It's delicious!" While you mostly said it to get Alec's concern away from your food you also truly meant it. It had been months since you had let yourself near a burger and it. Was. Amazing! You savored every bite. By the time you were full you realized you had cleared your plate. You stared horrified, not able to believe you had cleared the plate. Of fries and all! You were pulled out of your thoughts as Alec spoke.
"Man you must have been starving! I haven't seen you eat that fast since my eleventh birthday party when the spinach dip was running low!" He said chuckling. While the story itself made you laugh you couldn't help but play his words over in your head.
You must have been starving
You must have been starving
You must have been starving
You must have been starving because you're a pig
You must have been starving because you love food too much
You must have been starving because you don't care about yourself enough to say stop.
You laughed along not wanting Alec to notice the change in your demeanor. Alec was smart and you knew it wouldn't take a lot for him to connect the dots. The two of you left the restaurant heading back to the institution. You were so immersed in talking to Alec you didn't realize until it was too late that there was someone in front of you. "Oh so sorry about that!" You said laughing as you stepped back. "Oh hey Magnus!" You said smiling as Magnus was quickly becoming one of your favorite people.
"Hello Y/N, Alexander. What were you two up to?" He gave that sweet smile while also just really seeming interested in what the two of you did.
"Oh we just went to June's. That little burger joint down the street. We've been doing it for years. At this point it's a tradition." Alec said as he nudged you. You were hardly able to focus as the burger weighed down your stomach making you feel as though you would be sick at any moment. You frowned at the movement being forced back into the conversation. Alec was looking at you weirdly and Magnus was doing the same…
"You know I'm actually really tired after all of that training and everything. I think I'm going to go take a nap." You said trying to sound as normal as possible. Alec seemed to understand and nodded waving and seeing he would see you late. Magnus patted your shoulder saying rest up. This mission would surely be exhausting, and if Magnus were honest he was a little concerned about you.