A/N: More out of season Christmas crack! I love twins/Haruhi, so :3
NOTE: All personalities are based off the anime, as I haven't caught up in the manga.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.
Summary: The twins discover mistletoe; Tamaki is horrified.
WARNING: Major stupidity. This is the Host Club we're talking about.
Word Count: 1, 501

02— equilateral triangles.

"Well, that went well," Hikaru said, draping himself over Haruhi as Mori closed the doors behind the last few girls. "I especially loved the part where my lord ran around like a chicken with his head cut off looking for you when you were sitting right next to him."

"You ran around too," Haruhi replied flatly. "Did you honestly think you were going to find me in the piano?"

Hikaru's cheeks turned pink. "No," he grumbled. "I was just playing along."

"He panicked," Kaoru explained, flanking Haruhi's other side. "Hikaru turns into my lord when he panics. It's great."

"Shut up."

"Now we can celebrate properly!" Hunny exclaimed, rocking back and forth on his heels, Bun-Bun pressed against his chest. "We have to give gifts first!"

Kaoru and Hikaru exchanged looks before staring down at Haruhi with identical smirks. Haruhi looked at them apprehensively; the glint in their eyes was making her uneasy. "Us first!" They declared. Kaoru rushed over to the vase near the doors and pulled something out.

"We found it in that box of decorations you brought," Hikaru mumbled, nose pressed against her hair now. "Thought it'd be useful."

When he turned away slightly to glance back at Kaoru, Tamaki pounced. Haruhi felt herself crushed between two chests as Tamaki tried to pry Hikaru's practiced and perfected made-of-steel grip off of her.

Kill me, Haruhi thought as Tamaki and Hikaru started playing 'Tug-O-Haruhi'. They went back and forth for a few seconds, Kaoru lurking cautiously in the background, shooting Haruhi apologetic glances. Just when she thought she might be ripped in two, Mori interfered, lifting her away from them easily and putting her on his shoulder.

Of course, without The United Nations of Haruhi keeping them apart, Tamaki and Hikaru choose to wager World War III right there in the middle of the music room. Instead of celebrating Christmas and love and friends and the gift of giving with each other.

Tamaki shoved Hikaru's head down while the redhead put the King's arm in a headlock.

Kaoru figured, yes, Hikaru was indeed going to Hell and, no, he would not be joining him.

Kyoya decided that if they broke anything, he'd just add it to Haruhi's debt; he was in a giving mood.

Haruhi wondered when they were going to start pulling out the nuclear 'she's mine!' bombs and 'I refuse to let you taint her!' land mines. Maybe even some 'Haruhiiiiiii' gas.

Hunny just wanted presents.

Mori's shoulder was beginning to go numb.

Tamaki started using his 'Mum, help me here!' Kung-Fu, but failed miserably because Kyoya had stopped paying attention to the scuffle long before it'd even started and had suddenly developed a rather severe case of selective hearing. Hikaru opted to pull Kaoru into the mess of flailing limbs and... Were those bite marks? Haruhi squinted as the slightly saner twin backed a safe distance away from the two teens, effectively halting his twin's 'Which one is Hikaru?' Quick Attack.

Yes, those were definitely bite marks. She couldn't help it; she snorted.

"This is getting ridiculous," Kaoru said, edging towards them. Mori decided Haruhi was safe with the younger Hitachiin and set her down on her feet, subtly rolling his shoulder. Haruhi observed the mass of teenage boys rolling on the floor.

"It got ridiculous back when I started giving them attack names."

"Tell me?"

"I'd rather not. By the way," she tilted her head to look up at him. He peered down at her innocently. "You mentioned something about giving me a gift?"

She regretted saying it almost the minute it'd come out of her mouth. Kaoru's expression turned devilish as he raised one arm, the other wrapping around her. "Yes, I think we did," he agreed, dangling the sprig of mistletoe above her. Haruhi muffled her whine with her sleeve. His grin widened. "Ha-ru-hi," he pleaded, "it's a tradition!"

"I wish it weren't," she griped. Sighing, she continued, "Well, are you going to give me my present or not?"

"Greeeeeedy," Kaoru sang, grinning, before he leaned down and—

Was blindsided by a whirl of blond and red. Apparently Tamaki and Hikaru had tag-teamed in order to prevent the only semi-normal one of the three of them from 'tainting' Haruhi. Kaoru rubbed his head and grunted in pain as he got to his feet. "Uhm," he winced, "ow."

Tamaki struck a victory pose. "That's what you get for trying to defile my Daughter, you horrible cretin! You shall never lay a hand on Haruhi for as long as we breathe! Isn't that right, my faithful minion?" Turning to his left, he looked expectantly at Hikaru.

Who was on the other side of the room. With Haruhi. And the mistletoe.

Tamaki stared in abject horror as Hikaru angled his head down towards the doe-eyed teen, lips parting slightly.

Kaoru blinked. "Damn it; I'm going to have to do his homework for a week."

The sound of the twin's voice snapped Tamaki out of his stupor. "No!"

Dashing forward, he neatly tackled Hikaru and continued World War III: Act Two, Scene One.

Haruhi slid down the wall and massaged her temples. Kaoru crouched down next to her and rubbed her neck soothingly. "Want to try again? Hunny's getting antsy, but he refuses to let us continue with gift giving until me and Hikaru are finished."

Haruhi blew out a breath and nodded. Mori wisely chose that moment to step in front of them. "Quick," he said simply, staring at two boys wrestling.

"Mhm," Kaoru hummed, tilting Haruhi's chin up with his finger. "Hope Hikaru doesn't kill me too badly."

Haruhi didn't say anything, just sat and waited for him to kiss her. Leaning forward much like Hikaru had before, he let one hand grip the back of her head while the other rested on her shoulder, and slanted his mouth over hers. Haruhi's eyelids fluttered shut as he pressed his lips against hers almost insistently and leaned forward. Just as she began to press back, however, he pulled away.

Licking his lower lip, he winked at her. "I think I'm going to hang onto this," Kaoru said, dangling the plant in front of her eyes. "You know. For future use."

"You can do that after I've given her my present," Hikaru snapped from behind him, suspended in mid-air by the arm Mori had wrapped around his torso. "Goddamn it, now I have to play bottom next time we host."

Haruhi stared. "Is this how you two decide your roles? With bets?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Kaoru confessed.

"But don't worry," Hikaru continued, as Mori lowered him to the ground, Tamaki still in his grip. "You're the only one we ever bet on."

"Wonderful."

"My turn," Hikaru said, not even bothering to warn Haruhi before he swooped down and kissed her.

"No!" Tamaki shrieked, limbs flailing helplessly. "My fair maiden! My sweet goddess! She's been tainted not once, but twice, by these two scoundrels! Her purity shall not last against their philandering ways!"

Hikaru pulled away from Haruhi and fixed Tamaki with an annoyed look. "Are you done?"

Tamaki shrieked some more; Mori finally put him down and let him and Hikaru have it out. Kaoru helped Haruhi to her feet and walked with her over to Hunny, who was crouched near the Christmas tree, eyeing all the presents desperately.

"Hunny-san," Haruhi said, "you can open your gifts now. Hikaru and Kaoru have already given me mine."

"Really?" The shorter blond turned hopeful, watery eyes on her. "No more tackling?"

"Nope," Kaoru said, rubbing the back of his head absently. "Thank God."

"Yes!"

"You know," Kyoya piped up, eyes never moving from his laptop, "you should probably keep that mistletoe away from Tamaki."

"Yeah, I know," Kaoru waved him off, patting down his pockets. "It's right—"

"—Over there," Kyoya finished, pointing towards where the duo had just been. "In Tamaki's hands."

Haruhi stared at the ceiling. I must be dead.

"Haruhiiiiiii!" Tamaki yelled, racing towards her. "Daddy also has a present for you!"

I'm in Hell.

"What a coincidence!" Kaoru said pleasantly as Hikaru moved beside him. "So do we!"

Haruhi had to admit, the head punch they gave Tamaki rivalled one of her own, but she'd never tell them that out loud. While Tamaki simpered on the couch next to Kyoya, who mumbled something like 'idiot' under his breath and kept typing, the twins looked at her from over their shoulders and smirked.

But maybe, she thought as Hunny ripped through presents that were and were not his, Tamaki cried, Kyoya ignored, Mori smiled and the twins wrapped themselves around her in a mass of tangled limbs, maybe it's not so bad.

"So now that we've kissed you," Hikaru mused, Kaoru's lips brushing her neck, "does that mean you'll finally share a bed with us?"

Haruhi punched them both in the head.

Never mind.