Chapter two
While Artoo was being carried onto Jabba's sail barge, the fat slug was having a beer party and he forced a green slave girl to dance for his own amusent.
"Ho ho ho ho ho ho, this party good" Jabba said. The music stopped and the green slave girl stopped dancing and Jabba became pissed off.
"Put music back on, Jabba wanna see sexy slave girl dance" he boomed.A Droid with two heads who was in charge of the cd player turned the cd player on and Britney's spear's womanizer began blaring out through the area.
"Dance sexy slave girl dance for jabba" Jabba ordered. The slave girl refused and called Jabba a big fat bastard.
"You hurt jabba's feeling, bad slave girl" Jabba boomed. He pulled onto a lever that was built onto his lazy rock and the slave girl fell through the trap door. No one could see what was happening to her, but they knew she was being eaten alive by something because they heard her screaming, then silence, then a great big belch. Jabba then ordered Threepio to dance to womanizer for his own amusement.
"But I cannot dance" Threepio replied "I am not flexible, I am all metal." Jabba roared and went to murder Threepio when a short bounty hunter came walking in and was holding Chewbacca on a dog leash.
"Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" Chewbacca growled.
"I have captured this wookie" the bounty hunter said.
"Ohno, you captured chewbacca" Threeepio said who had survived Jabba's attempt to murder him.
"Raaaaaaaaaaaaar" Chewbacca said pitfully.
"Ah we have mighty chewbacca, big hairy wookie" Jabba responded.
"Do I get a reward for capturing this smelly hairy wookie?" the bounty hunting asked. Chewbacca became offended when the bounty hunter called him smelly.
"yes, I pay you one thousand for the capture of wookie" Jabba replied.
"I want thirty thousand, no lesser than that" The bounty hunter said "I want to spend it on beer kegs for my flat."
"Why should Jabba pay you thirty thousand?" Jabba asked. The bounty hunter sighed and pulled out a small round device.
"Because he's holding a thermal detonator" Threepio yelled amnd running to hide under one of the buffet tables.
"and if jabba don't pay you thirty thousand, you blow up jabba palace?" Jabba asked.
"Yes I do you fat ass" The bounty hunter replied. Jabba stopped and thought for a moment, if he didn't pay the bounty hunter thirty thousand, his beloved palace would blow up.
"Fine" he said "jabba pay you thirty thousand, now lock up the wookie and feed it scraps." The bounty hunter dragged a roaring chewbacca to the dungeons as Threepio came out from under the buffet table and looked around.
"Oh so this place is still here" he said "guess the bounty hunter didn't blow up the place after all." Jabba sneezed on Threepio and now he was covered in a big greeny bogey.
"Why must I suffer like this" the gold droid said pitfully as the vile green stuff dripped from him and onto the floor. That night, all the people in the palace got drunk and fell asleep surrounded by half eaten pizza's, empty bags of potatoe chips and empty beer cans. As they snored drunkenily, the bounty hunter who had bought Chewbacca had snuck back in, climbed over the drunken heap of Jabba's goons and walked over to Carbonite Han. The bounty hunter then switched on a button for the defrosting process.
"Hello and welcome to the defrosting of the person you are defrosting, in order to proceed please indicate the password in order to proceed" said a robotic voice.
"Shit" the bounty hunter growled before smashing all the buttons. Luckily, Han became free from the carbonite and landed face first on the floor.
"Ow, god damn it" he bounty hunter pulled him up from the floor and sat him up agaisnt the wall.
"Oh my god, I'm blind. I can't see a god damn thing" Han complained.
"Don't worry" the bounty hunter replied "it is a side affect from the freezing process but your eyesight will return in time."
"Where the hell am I, why do I smell beer and cold pizza?" Han asked.
"You are in Jabba's palace" The bounty hunter replied.
"Who are you?" Han asked. The bounty hunter removed it's mask and was revealed to be Princess Leia.
"The woman who loves you alot, the one who wants to make love to you and have your children" she replied.
"Oh my god, Leia you brave and very attractive woman, you've come to save me" Han replied in a cheerful tone. Leia started snogging his face off before helping him to his feet.
"Let's get out of here" leia said.
"About bloody time too, woah who smell's of bad B.O?" he asked.
"You do" Leia replied.
"Awwww crap" Han replied "well the sooner we get out of here, the sooner I can get some spary to get rid of this god awful smell." As the pair were about to leave, they heard a familiar laugh behind them.
"Ho ho ho ho ho."
"Is that santa claus?" Han asked.
"No, it be jabba" Jabba replied as he came from his hiding place.
"Oh shit" Han grumbled.
"You owe Jabba money" Jabba boomed.
"I know I do, I was going to pay you back but I got a little side tracked" Han said "just gimmi a break will you?"
"No, It be too late solo, you are now bantha poopoo" Jabba replied then turned to his green pig guards "take him to the dungeons." The green pigs grabbed hold of the blind Han and dragged him away. Jabba then focused his attention on Leia.
"Bring sexy woamn to jabba" he ordered his pig guards. They grabbed hold of Leia and bought her towards Jabba.
"Oh my god, you are grotesque" leia said as she came up close with jabba.
"And you are sexy" Jabba replied His tongue slithered out and leia looked discusted.
"Oh i cannot bear to watch" Threepio said as he gagged and turned around making a retching noise.
Han was thrown into the same cell where Chewie was being kept in.
"Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar" Chewie hollered and gave Han a big hug.
"Chewie is that you?" Han asked as he placed his arms out, feeling around for his furry companion.
"Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaar" Chewie growled in response.
"Oh thank god, I cannot see a bloody thing" Han replied. Chewie picked up Han and hugged him.
"I can't see a bloody thing Chewie" Han said. Chewie growled pitfully and kissed Han on the cheek.
"Did you just kiss me?" he asked Chewie whilst looking at a wall, thinking that Chewie was stood in front of him.
"raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar" chewie replied.
"You are very disgusting Chewie" Han said to the wall. Chewie slapped his forehead in annoyance as Han continued having a conversation with the wall, still thinking that Chewie was stood in front of him.
"raaaaaar" Chewie responded from behind Han.
"That's ok Chew-features, I understand" said Han then patting the wall "Oh my god Chewie, what have you done to yourself?" Chewie shook his head and back handed Han across the back of the head.
"Is there someone else in here?" he asked, looking around confused.
The next morning, some dude in a black cloak had snuck his way into Jabba's palace and was approached by two pig guards.
"Good day to you sir" said the first pig "My name is Bob and this is my twin brother Dave, what is your –ack." The first pig fell down dead before Luke turned to the other pig and forced choked him. He continued his way down the stair case and ran into Bibbit jones.
"You Luke Skywalker" bibbit jones said "You no be here." Luke gave Bibbit jones a weird look.
"Why are you talking like that?" he asked.
"Never you mind" Bibbt jones responded "you no be here."
"You will take me to jabba now" Luke said, waving his hand around in front of Bibbit jone's face.
"I take you to jabba now" Bibbit jones replied in a trance like voice.
"You are a great worshipper of the fat slug" Luke said.
"I am a great worshipper of the fat slug" Bibbit jones replied as they walked into the party room.
"and he will be more greatful if you give him a back massage" Luke continued as he approached jabba lying on his lazy the rock and with him was Leia chained up and wearing a gold bikini.
"And he will be more greatful if if I gave him a back massage" said Bibbit jones before whispering to Jabba who had woken up from his drunken sleep.
"Who be this deuch?" Jabba asked.
"It be Luke Skywalker" Bibbit jones replied.
"Who?" Jabba asked, confused.
"He was one in blue and white Robot message yesterday" bibbit jones replied.
"Ahhhhh yes, now Jabba remember" jabba replied "I thought I say no let him in."
"Shut up you fat jerk" Luke said calmly.
"Shut up you fat jerk" Bibbit Jones told Jabba who slapped him round his worm head with his flabby slug arm.
"You weak minded son of a bitch" Jabba raged "he be using old Jedi mind trick." Luke pulled the hood of his cloak down and bravely strode towards Jabba.
"You will bring Captain solo and chewbac-I mean the wookie to me or else you will suffer the consequences" he said to the fat slug like creature.
" Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. You think jedi mind tricks work on jabba" jabba chuckled "but they no work on jabba."
"Damn" Luke muttered "didn't see that coming." Jabba laughed again as Threepio tried telling Luke he was standing on a trap door.
"Ho ho ho, I pull lever thingy and you fall through trap door you stand on" Jabba chuckled then pulled the lever thingy so Luke fell through the trap door and onto the floor below.
"Ok, now what's going to happen?" Luke wondered. At that moment he heard a big ferocious growl from behind him.
"Chewbacca, is that you?" he wondered.
"Roaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar" came the noise again.
"It's not chewbacca, it's the rancor" Threepio screamed. Luke turned around and saw a really small rancor snarling and waving it's tiny arms around.
"What is this?" Luke asked, smiling and folding his arms "is this supposed to scare me. I bet an old grandmother could beat this." The rancor roared again and grew in height so now it was about ten feet tall.
"Now that's what I call a quick growth" Luke pointed out. The rancor growled and tried to grab the would-be-jedi but he picked up a bone and shoved it in the rancor's mouth so it wouldn't eat him.
"Damn" Luke said "he sure does have bad teeth and bad breath." He pulled out a packet of mint flavoured mentos and some tic-tacs.
"Hey big fella, I think you could do with these" he said. The rancor growled in fury and swiped the mentos and tic-tacs from his hand.
"Ok, now i'm getting out of here" Luke said then ran towards the exit as the furious rancor chased after him, beating it's chest furiously. Luke then picked up a rock, threw it at some weird device thing and a big thousand tonne weight fell on the rancor and squished it dead.
"Ahhhhh" Jabba roared "bring Jabba solo and wookie,, they all be punished for this outrage."
About one second later, Luke was being pushed forward by two pig guards. The same was being done to Han and Chewie.
"What's going on?" Han asked.
"Han is that you?" Luke asked.
"Luke is that you?" Han asked "I'm kind of blind. Where is Leia?"
"I'm here" leia replied.
"and she's wearing a gold bikini" Luke told Han.
"Raaaaaaarrrr" chewie hollered.
"Oh curse me for being blind" han moaned "I wish I could see it. I bet she looks really hot."
"May I have your attention please" Threepio announced "the great jabba said you will taken to the almighty sarlaac and fed to the almighty sarlaac."
"Crap dogs" Han muttered.
"And then you will slowly digest for a billion years" Threepio continued before Han, Luke and chewie were hauled out by the pig guards.
"I have a bad feeling about this" Luke told Han.
"Don't we all" Han replied "don't we all."