Macula Tamen Venia
flawed and forgiven
This one's for the lonely
The ones that seek and find
Only to be let down
Time after time
Marvel hates being alone.
He blames it on being the only child in the family- his younger brother died when Marvel was five years old, and his older brother disappeared when he was eight. His mother is a woman who has an awful, awful high-pitched laugh and his father- well, his father is just never around to see his son grow up.
So Marvel learns to fend for himself (because who is really going to take care of him anyway?) and at eleven he walks up to the training school and enrolls himself in training. His parents either don't know, or they just don't care.
In the moments when he's alone, he still wishes he could protect his brothers. Or someone. Anyone. It feels like a vacuum in his house when he comes home from school and training, because his mother is laughing at nothing and his father is simply never there. Sometimes, it just feels like he's a dummy in the house. Useless. Like there is no one and nothing to live for.
Marvel hates to be alone, so there are nights when he just doesn't come home and trains all night at the training facility.
His first achievement comes at thirteen when he outsmarts the trainer in a game of hand-to-hand combat. At thirteen, Marvel is a scrawny teenager, all bones and arms that look like they would snap if he fell. He remembers that day, holds on to it- he remembers the boys and girls watching from the sidelines, smirking viciously as they watch him go up against the fiercest trainer in the center "for sport".
He remembers getting pummeled within an inch of his life, dodging but never dodging quite fast enough. And then he remembers with some satisfaction how he used the training mat to his advantage- while the trainer was baring down on him, he yanked the mat from under his opponent, dodged the predictable leap towards him, scissor kicked and ended up pinning his trainer under his knees.
And he remembers the deafening silence that follows this upset.
That day, Marvel learns that he may not be quite as athletically talented as the other boys. Even years later, when he's filled out and has girls knocking on his door every time he ventures out, he knows that the other boys are looking to best him in hand-to-hand combat. So he takes a different tactic. He begins to specialize in long-distance attacks. His right arm becomes notoriously strong as he begins to throw lethal, iron-tipped spears at targets, hitting them at least ninety percent of the time. He begins to grow in confidence as he begins to see the flaws in his opponent's attack strategies. He becomes a thinker, a ruthless, shrewd tribute who thinks as well as he fights-
-and still he hates to be alone.
So when his name is called for the 74th Hunger Games, Marvel has never felt so solitary in his entire life. He says nothing when his family and friends come in to say goodbye- there is nothing to say, because his mother laughs her breathy giggles and his father talks to him about the weather in the Capitol.
(He wonders sometimes if they actually do care, but then shakes the thought away. Thinking about his family makes him feel more alone than ever.)
Marvel hates being alone. It is part of the reason why he is not slow to accept the Career offer when Cato approaches him with that supremely arrogant smile. Marvel is okay with not being the leader. He doesn't like to be in the spotlight, anyway. He is content to let Cato lead them- not that he's always content with the way Cato seems eager to kill everyone- because he knows that he is smarter than all of them combined.
Of all the tributes in the Career alliance, Marvel likes Glimmer best. Cato is ruthless, and even Marvel flinches when Cato talks about what he will do to that Everdeen girl. Clove is dangerous and Marvel suspects that she is about as smart as he is- a dangerous ally, and an even more dangerous spy. The girl from District 4 is flaky and unbalanced, especially after her partner is killed in the bloodbath. And Peeta Mellark- Marvel just doesn't trust him, because he knows Peeta has something up his sleeve. Glimmer is something like himself, Marvel thinks, because she seems just as broken. Just as willing to escape the nightmares she must suffer in District 1.
He accepts the fact that they must either kill each other or be killed, so he hardens his heart and dives into the persona of a ruthless killer.
But then Marvel finds out that maybe he isn't quite as ruthless as he thinks he is. When he is crouched over Glimmer's corpse, yelling furiously at Cato for not realizing that Glimmer was not with them, he suddenly realizes that Glimmer is another person in a line of people he has lost. His mother, his father, his brothers, and now his district partner. Marvel is now more alone than ever.
That is why he breaks away from the alliance when the food stores get blown up. After Cato takes it out on the District 3 boy, Marvel decides he's had enough. He hates being alone, but he is smart enough to know that his time with the Careers is up. So he leaves when Clove and Cato are out hunting.
He sets out traps for defense, fingers deft from years of practice and training. And it doesn't take more than two hours before he hears a yelp and sees a small tribute in the net. The District 11 tribute, Rue.
It should have been a quick kill. Marvel steels himself, repeats I am ruthless over and over and over again. The spear trembles in his hand as Rue continues to scream at the top of her lungs, begging and pleading for him to spare her. Marvel closes his eyes, weighing his options as Rue whimpers in a terrified voice.
He can almost imagine the audience back home, leaning forward in anticipation of the kill.
He can also see a family in District 11, closing their eyes in acceptance of Rue's death.
And then he hears it- a terrified voice screaming Rue's name over and over. Katniss Everdeen is coming, and Marvel's brain works overtime. He is smart enough to know that Katniss will kill him in a heartbeat. The logical thing to do is to kill her ally, then kill her as she comes. And just like that, Marvel is back in the saddle like a Career is trained to do.
(He pushes the thought of Rue's family out of his mind. What does he know of family? He's been alone his whole life.)
And yet, although his plan is laid out, although he is smart and shrewd and cunning, Marvel times it wrong. His spear flies from his hand just as Katniss rounds the corner, and like when he was thirteen, Marvel is not fast enough. Her arrow flies towards him, and then Marvel is down, choking and gasping as the blood drains from his neck.
The irony, he bitterly reflects, that he is dying alone with no one to hold him as he dies.
But before Marvel dies alone in a clearing with no loved ones around him, he thinks he sees a flash of golden hair and green eyes looking at him. And as his eyes begin to close, he thinks he sees two small boys with her. Glimmer looks at him, her eyes green with life.
You're not alone, she seems to say.
No, Marvel thinks, maybe he's not alone. Maybe this isn't so bad.
And so Marvel, the tribute from District 1, breathes his last as the cannon sounds.
"comes and goes (in waves)", greg laswell