Tales too Hot for Fetch
Branndr was annoyed. He had battled a lifetime against the enemies of the north. Gnolls, goblins, giants ...they all fell to his axe. He was promised a grand afterlife in Rawk's Great Hall. Drink, the company of heroes, war stories and food. So far he only received three out of the four.
The ale and spirits were especially good. The ancient warriors that have been here for untold centuries had told him that the beverages had improved the last hundred years or so. Something about free booze from the Avatar of Velmon or something.
The company was excellent, Branndr could not ask for a better group of heroes to sit with. At his table , was the Mammoth Champion Madgar ( apparently his soul was swallowed but wasn't devoured since Hildraxel decapitated the demonlord in time) , some crazed dwarf named Torsten, a guy who looked like Frank but whose name was Hank, another guy who looked like Frank, whose name was also Frank, but was not the Frank he knew, a pretty warrior wench named Brandy, and a veteran of many wars named Bartog. A finer bunch of heroes he could not ask for.
The tales were great as well. He wasn't sure if they were tall tales or actual war stories but it didn't matter. He heard a few of them at least a dozen times, but each telling stirred his warrior spirit. The fight against Yeenoghu, the bubba demon underneath Mammoth keep, battles against fantastic monsters and overwhelming odds. All these were good.
The food however was lacking. Their server was an ex Valkyrie from Odin's hall and her lack of experience was clearly visible.
"Food WENCH! I ordered a hot skillet untold ages ago! BRING ME MY MEAL! ", yelled Branndr to the chuckles of his companions.
Gertrude the Valkyrie hated this job. She was meant to fight giants and demons, not getting her ass slapped and pinched while serving dead drunks. "I'm coming...I'm coming...be careful Sir...this skillet is very HOT. Take care when handling it."
Branndr roared in laughter "HAH! Do you know who I am? I am Branndr of the Boar! I fought a frost giant solo because he was eying my sandwich. I once was lost in the tundra for a week, when they eventually me I had already eaten a polar bear, and skinned it for a bib. I laugh at fear, once I tempted fate by stealing rations from the Warmaster's own children! No hot skillet is a match for... YEOOOWWWWWWWW!"
Branndr had predictably burnt his hand from the flaming hot skillet. Torsten tried to aid the northman and threw his drink on the wound. It flared, and Branndr's mighty beard caught on fire. The great warrior thrashed on the table then ran in a panic out of the great hall.
"Wow...that skillet must have been pretty hot! ", quipped Hank to Frank.
Tyris regarded her foes with disdain. Imix , the elemental prince of fire, had a long standing feud with the bard, but for awhile she thought it was over. The last few years there was no assassins, monsters or random fiery catastrophes . However , the four monstrous assassins in front of her right now, told her that things had changed. A giant salamander, a huge flaming man, a large red dragon, and an efreet noble. The fire lord most likely heard she had abandoned both her path and blade , and thought her easy prey.
The large efreet laughed at the human in front of him. "I don't know why Lord Imix told us to capture you, but I can't wait to drag you chained and begging before our master."
Tyris let her eyes drift, she sensed they were being observed. She would normally kill these four quickly, but she sensed she had to make an example of them as a warning to her old foe. She casually unbuckled her rapier but did not draw it. Then she threw her parrying dagger straight up into the air. She then swiftly pulled some pins out of her pony tail and it slumped a few feet longer.
"No hands, no help. ", she declared softly as she crossed her hands behind her back.
The salamander noble hissed at her cocky attitude and lunged at the bard with her spear. Tyris nimbly hopped onto the weapon, and shook her head and her pony tail towards the now plummeting dagger. The salamander was confused momentarily at his opponent balanced herself impossibly on his spear. Her hair somehow snagged the dagger and she spun the blade now attached to her pony tail towards him. It slashed deeply into his chest, as she then skipped off his spear. The salamander roared a challenge then pounced on her with his flaming coils. He wrapped his powerful serpentine frame around her body and squeezed.
Suddenly he realized she wasn't there and noticed 2 knees bracing both sides of his head. Tyris jerked her hips suddenly , using his shoulders as a brace, and the salamander fell to the ground with his neck and head twisted in a grotesque angle.
The fiery man rushed the bard, but she skipped calmly away. The fire elemental moved like a spreading oil fire, but failed to corner her . She knew that despite its appearance, it had no discernible anatomy, so engaged it a complex pattern where she weaved away from its blows and slowly hacked away at it with her blade armed pony tail.
The dragon breathed at the sparring duo, but the bard calmly spun rapidly away from the flame , avoiding all damage. Just as fast , she spun back into the melee, not giving the fire elemental a chance to recover.
The efreet was enraged. He raised his hands and the sky and ground turned red with flames. He shifted the entire battle ground into the elemental plane of fire. He might have to retrieve her charred corpse and wish her back to life later.
Tyris looked around at her new surroundings, and felt the sudden blast of heat . She gave the elemental a final slash with her pony tail, and spun with her foot and kicked the dying creature . A glint of metal glittered from her boot.
The dragon roared and pounced on her , but she deftly flipped forwards past it. She landed her blade boot onto its tail, and viciously tore the tip of it off.
"Sorry guys, I'll be right back.", she said meekly.
The efreet boomed, "Run! You can not escape! I've brought you to the elemental plane of fire..there is ...hey where did she go?"
Fetch , Frank , Ymir , and Trip were focused on their intense card game. They weren't serious gamblers but they enjoyed the challenge and the competition.
Tyris appeared suddenly behind Fetch, catching all but the cleric by surprise. He was use to her sudden appearances and disappearances. His curiosity was piqued when he noticed her hair seemed longer , with a strange flash of metal at the tip of her pony tail.
"Fetch, sorry to disturb you, but I need a glass of water really bad right now. ", said the bard meekly.
Frank was about to yell at her to say they were busy, but a kick from Ymir silenced him. Fetch sighed and intoned a simple prayer to create water into a tin cup for her.
Frank whispered to Ymir, "FETCH ! WATER ! ", and they both chuckled at their friend's most unfortunate name.
The bard kissed Fetch lightly on the forehead, then curiously grabbed the cup by her teeth and sipped it a little , before stepping back into the shadows and disappearing.
"What was that about? ", asked Frank as the game resumed.
Fetch shrugged "Beats me, can't be important though."
The efreet boomed, "Run! You can not escape! I've brought you to the elemental plane of fire..there is ...hey where did she go?". He paused and looked for a few seconds and then noticed she had returned ,"Oh there you are! I told you there would be no escape!"
The bard had returned with a tin cup in her teeth. She bent down and set the cup down , before spinning her head in a wide arc. Her pony tail sliced the dragon painfully as it closed in on her. Tyris snapped her head suddenly , yanking her pony tail, abd the dagger on the tip was released. It flew and imbedded into the Efreet's chest. She then thrusted her hip and yanked it back quickly, her unbuckled rapier flew out of its scabbard. Incredibly , she balanced her self with one foot, as she caught the blade and balanced it on her other foot. The dragon stared in awe, the fear of losing to this human finally crossed his mind. She tossed the blade up a little with her balancing foot then did a back flip. Halfway through her flip she timed both her feet to kick the descending blade and it flew into the dragon's chest. It pierced deep into his chest, but the creature's thick hide prevented it from being a mortal blow.
The efreet fell to his knees, the dagger in his chest wasn't a mortal wound either , but he knew he would require healing soon. He tried grasping the dagger but he was shocked as he was face to face with the golden skinned bard with intense yellow eyes. "Imix, I know you're watching. Send more ruffians after me, and I might get mad.", she declared.
With that said, she brought both feet up and propelled herself off the dagger in the efreet's chest. The flaming genie fell dieing as she launched her self at the still stunned dragon. She flew towards it and drove her knee into the blade, and pushed it through its chest as well.
She finally voluntarily released her arms and pulled the blade from the dead dragon . She walked towards the almost dead efreet and knelt next to him. All around them the fires of the elemental plane raged, but seemed to have no effect on her. "You win...I had some help you see. " With a smile , she pointed at her tin cup , and drank the cool refreshing water her husband had made her.
"...boy ...Its really hot in here isn't it?"
Ymir moaned softly as sweat covered her skin.
Her normally perfect light brown hair, was a mess, and a sweat soaked bang draped across her face.
"Are you OK?", gently asked Clovis, concern on his face.
"I'm fine. " , she panted in a strained voice.
Clovis was not convinced,"We can stop, do this another time. You look like your in pain."
"Look, we've been planning this for sometime now. This is not my first time, I want to do this with you, I don't trust the others. I won't let a little discomfort get in our way.", gasped Ymir.
Clovis shrugged, " Ok we'll take it really slow."
The artificer rolled out a map, "Ok by my calculations we are below the caldera of the volcano. Should be a few more chambers before we encounter those devils we are after . Hopefully we can retrieve a heart of fire to complete our forge."
Ymir nodded wishing she had remembered to bring fire protection. The volcano was really hot.
Tyris and Brita giggled at Frank. The knight made a mental note that 4 bottles of wine was their break point. Tyris was in her typical dark leather armor, it was form fitting and showed off her excellent physique. Brita was in light a blue sorcerer robe. She seldom wore it , but Frank thought it showed off her curves and ample cleavage well.
"Are you two girls sure you want it?", teased Frank.
Brita looked at the knight hungrily," Oh yes , we want it. We heard all these tales of the famous crab sausage and we want to taste it ourselves."
Frank put his finger on his chin and pretended he was in deep thought," I dunno I'm not sure you 2 can handle it ... and what would Fetch think? I would have thought he would get mad if he finds out you 2 came to me first."
Tyris giggled," We don't know if we can handle it , thats the fun part, ... and Fetch is a meat and potatoes kind of guy, he would never try it. We want someone who can handle something wild ...someone more worldly..."
Frank smiled, " Ok...let me get this clear...us 3 ...no regrets if you can't handle it. "
Brita came close to Frank. He could smell the alcohol as she purred, " Let's just do it...ever since I heard about it , I want to try it. "
That was enough for Frank. He raised his hand and cried across the room , "Waitress! Waitress! We're ready to order. 1 extra large lemming pie. With crab sausage and extra hot sauce!"
The combination of the wine, the crab sausage, and the hot sauce was too much for Frank. He laid in the booth sleeping. Brita teleported the knight back to his own inn before the hostess returned.
Brita fumed, alcohol was still disrupting her normally pure thoughts , "I thought we were going to have 3 way sex. I thought that's what we were talking about. I didn't think he was going to order a stupid meat pie. Oh its probably for the best , I don't want to tempt you to cheat on your husband I guess."
Tyris smiled slyly at her friend," I don't think its cheating if its with another girl, and its definitely not cheating if you can't remember."
Brita nuzzled Tyris and then shouted, " Waitress! Waitress! Another bottle of wine please! It's really hot in here!"