High School Sucks - 2
Lunch period was always something to look forward to for the students of South Park High, or any high school for that matter. The chance to socialize for an entire half-hour while being nearly uninhibited by parents or chaperones was a thing that nearly any young adult could relish. Even more appealing to the students was the seemingly absent presence of the yard duties, who usually prowled the campus half-heartedly to try and catch any students trying to ditch. The fact that were missing added a sense of boisterous adventure to the students, as they realized that no one was watching them. This didn't add up to any more antics than usual, however, as most students were still getting adjusted to the coming drudgery of school.
The students of South Park High were mainly confined to the large, concrete quad area, where the vast majority of students gathered. A small number of kids could also been seen gathering in the small patches of grass that lay near the different buildings. Still others elected to stay indoors during the lunch period, playing video games in the computer lab or fooling around in the drama theatre. Most, however, followed the process of ordering lunch, and finally sitting down on the plastic benches to talk with friends. During the entire period, however, the lunch lines stayed, and only seemed to grow longer, until...
RING!
"Shit!" Stan shouted, stomping his foot on the ground angrily. He tossed the five dollar bill he had been holding back into the pocket of his jacket and stormed away from the lunch line he had been standing in. A light drizzle had descended on the school, and as soon as the bell rang most of the students ran eagerly to get out of the impending rain and into the warmth of their fifth-period class.
"Goddamn it, this sucks!" Kyle hollered, who had been standing next to Stan. Mimicking his friend's actions, he hurried a bit to catch up with Stan, nearly tripping on the slippery stones as he did so. "Hold on a second, Stan!" Stan heard him and slowed down, allowing Kyle to catch up with him.
"This sucks. We didn't even get a chance to eat during the entire fucking lunch." Stan growled. His stomach let out a small growl, as if taking a cue from what his mouth had just uttered.
"Do you know what the hell happened back there?" Kyle asked, briefly catching a glimpse of a hot girl walking by before his attention was snapped back to Stan.
Stan cocked his head. "No, but what do you mean?"
Kyle pointed back to the lines they had exited hastily from. "When lunch started, they were serving lunch like normal. But all of a sudden they shut down the lines and didn't open them again until the very end." Kyle shrugged. "You know anything about it?"
Stan shook his head. "Nope, no fucking clue. But it doesn't matter. Lunch sucked ass, and we don't have any food to eat. You want to ditch and go to Shakey's or something?" He asked.
Kyle winced. "I don't know, dude...I kind of think we should at least go to all of the first day of school. They might hand out gay papers to sign and stuff, you know?"
Stan sighed. "Whatever. Let's just get to class. We'll ditch tomorrow though, alright? I'm already fucking tired of school."
"Sure thing, Stan." Kyle nodded and smiled. "In the meantime, what do we have now..." He thought for a moment. "Civics, right?"
"I think so." Stan pulled his schedule from his pocket and stared at it for several seconds, still walking and not realizing where we was going. Suddenly he walked straight into an obstacle in front of him and exhaled a burst of air in surprise.
"H-Hey, what's the big idea?" A high voice shouted in retaliation.
"Oh, shit! Sorry, dude!" Stan turned red and looked back up, looking to see what he had run into. It was a somewhat small boy who looked their age, and was leaner than Stan and Kyle. He had what appeared to be naturally spiky blond hair, and bland brown eyes. He was wearing a light blue pull-over jacket over a yellow T-shirt and blue jeans, along with black sneakers.
"Don't worry, Stan. You just ran into Butters." Kyle laughed. Butters eyebrows arched in frustration at him.
"N-Now that's not very nice, Kyle." He said.
Stan grinned sheepishly. "Alright, alright. I'm sorry, Butters, okay?" He stuffed his schedule away to prevent any further accidents from happening. He watched the look of anger on Butter's face dissipate into a silly grin.
"O-Oh, all right, Stan. I forgive you."
"Okay...Thanks." Kyle said slowly. "So how've you been, Butters? What'd you do over the summer?"
Butter shrugged. "N-Nothing, really. I went to that journalism camp I was telling you guys about. I-It was pretty nice, actually."
"Cool. You're really serious about journalism, huh?" Kyle asked.
"Y-yeah. S-So what class do you guys have next?" He asked curiously, walking next to them as they continued their journey to the social studies building.
"Civics with Mrs. Cooper. What about you?" Kyle asked.
"W-Well, gee whiz, that's what I got too!" Butters exclaimed happily. "All of my friends are in that class too! H-Hoo boy!"
Stan and Kyle smacked their faces simultaneously. "Man, you're in that class, too?" Stan groaned. "It seems like everyone I know is in this freaking class."
Butters cocked his head. "R-Really? Like, who else is in it?"
"Well, we're here now, so I guess you'll see for yourself." Kyle said. He opened the door to their classroom and the three walked in. The room was a pleasant one, with maps of the United States and the world adorning the walls. Three rows of five desks had been arranged, and students who were already in the class were sitting and talking anxiously. No teacher was in the class, so the three just took random seats. Kyle managed to grab a seat in the treasured back row, and held another for Stan to sit in. Butters, who was unsuccessful in finding one himself, sat in front of Stan instead.
"Yes! Back seats!" Kyle exclaimed happily, propping his feet up in the empty seat in front of him.
"Kick ass, man." Stan laughed as well as he relaxed.
"Hey, you guys, AH! What's, what's up?" A voice to Kyle's left piped up. The three turned to see a very thin boy of average height who was seemingly unable to keep still. He had incredibly messy blond hair, and his green eyes seemed to dart back and forth, surveying their surroundings. The boy was wearing a dull gray jacket that had been incorrectly buttoned up, revealing patches of the black T-shirt he was wearing underneath. He also wore dark blue jeans and light sneakers. A massive jug of coffee lay on his desk, which he was sipping periodically from.
"Oh, hey, Tweek. What's up?" Stan asked, unzipping his backpack and pulling out a pencil to waste time.
"AH! Too much pressure! Oh wait, I mean, nothing much, AH! I'm already fir this school year to be over, AH!" Tweek cried, quickly taking another gulp of coffee.
Stan looked at Kyle, who shrugged. "Cool. Didn't you get a job over the summer or something?"
Tweek nodded, which was barely noticeable amid his shaking. "Yeah, I'm a clerk at Harbucks now."
"W-Wow." Butters chirped. "Is it nice working there? I-I don't think I could handle being in there with all that coffee and all those people..."
"Too much pressure, AH!" Tweek noticed the three boys staring at him and shook his head. "No, forget I said that. It's pretty cool working there, because my dad is the boss. Plus, I get free coffee there, and I get paid a lot, so it's cool."
Stan sighed. "Yeah, we figured that."
The door to the building opened again and Kenny walked in with his hood over his head. His eyes weren't as red as they had been at the beginning of the day, and he also to be walking in better balance. He saw Stan wave to him and darted to grab the seat next to him, which had become empty. Pushing the backpack ahead to the front of the row, he slammed his behind into the chair and laughed.
"Sick, I got a seat in the last row!" He pumped his hands into the air triumphantly, propping his feet up.
"Hey, Kenny." Stan, Kyle, Butters and Tweek chimed in.
"S'up, guys?" Kenny asked nonchalantly, pulling his hood down. "Hey, do I still look high? I haven't smoked since this morning, so it should be clearing up." He said, rolling up a wad of used paper and tossing it into a nearby garbage can.
Stan leaned over and inspected him briefly. "Yeah, you look good, Kenny. Don't worry, man. You've only got two more classes to go."
"Sweet. You guys doing anything after school? I don't have to work on Tuesdays, so I can go chill with you guys." Kenny asked.
Stan shrugged. "Kyle's coming over, and we might watch Braveheart or something. You want to come?"
"Sure." Kenny said. "The more the merrier with movies like that. And then we can play your ZBox, right?"
Stan nodded. "Yeah, I got a new game for it last week. You run around and you kill stuff! How cool is that?"
"H-Hey, could I come over, too?" Butters asked. "I've never seen that Braveheart movie, and everyone says it's good, so...."
"What!?" Four surprised boys asked. "You've never seen Braveheart? Wow, you're probably the first kid I've talked to in years who hasn't." Kenny said, surprised.
"AH! What a loser!" Tweek added before drinking some more from his coffee jug and setting it down.
"Stan!" The boys saw Wendy approaching them. She reached the back row, but hesitated to sit down. "Kenny, would you mind moving so I can sit next to my man?"
Stan groaned. "Please..."
Kenny shook his head. "No fucking way. I earned this back seat, and I ain't trading it to you. Sorry, Wendy."
Wendy clasped her hands together and began to plead. "Please, Kenny? Please?"
"Don't do it, Kenny." Kyle called. Kenny replied by pulling his hood over his head and setting his face down on the desk. "Nope."
"Damn it!" Wendy shouted. "You're a bastard, Kenny! I cannot believe that you won't move and let me be next to my Stan!"
Kenny shrugged. "Whatever."
Wendy sat down in the seat in front of Kenny, and leaned over her side to Stan. "Don't worry, Stan. We're still together. I won't let Kenny here ruin the fun that we're going to have in here."
Tweek and Butters laughed and slapped hands with each other. "T-This is gonna be good." Butters said eagerly . Tweek nodded in agreement. "Yeah, just for the love connection we got going on here, AH!"
RING!
The students who hadn't sat down took a seat hastily and waited for their teacher to come in. A minute or two passed, and before long the mood had lightened, with the students started to talk to the person next to them.
Suddenly, the announce speakers blared to life and a female voice could be heard over the intercom. The voice soundly slightly worried about something, but it was still still projected calmly.
"Good morning, boys and girls of South Park High School. This, as you may have guessed, is not your Principal Johnson."
The students looked to each other in confusion. "Who the hell is that?" Kyle asked, trying to decipher the voice.
"During fourth period, over 90% of the teachers, administration and staff members working at this school have gone on strike. This is why the lunch lines were closed off; The staff left very suddenly to begin the strike. It is also why there may not be a teacher in your classroom."
"Well, that explains it." Stan shrugged.
Kenny looked at his friends. "Dude, that voice sounds totally familiar. I know I've heard it somewhere."
"Y-Yeah, me too." Butters agreed.
"Therefore, until the strike is resolved, the school will be getting teachers from the elementary and middle schools to fill in for those on strike. That includes myself, your new principal, Mrs. Victoria."
"Oh my god!" The students shouted in unison. "Holy shit! Principal Victoria is taking over here!"
"AH! I can't take this!" Tweek cried.
"Goddamn it, I hate that bitch!" Cartman, who was seated in front of Butters, began banging his head on his desk, causing the entire room to shake slightly.
"In place of the normal counselors, we have assigned new counselors for all of our students. Students with last names A-M will have Mr. Mackey..."
Another groan elapsed from the class. "They brought Mackey back, too?" Stan shook his head in disbelief.
"This totally sucks ass!" Kyle shouted.
"...and students with last names N-Z will have Mrs. Mackey-Choksondik."
Another groan erupted from the students, this time much larger. "AH! I hate that bitch!" Tweek shouted. "I can always see her nipples! Too much pressure!" He reached for his coffee jug again to take another drink.
"I will close these announcements by guaranteeing that every single class will have a teacher by the end of the period. If there is not a teacher after fifteen minutes, you may leave the class and exit the campus for the remainder of the period."
"Sweet!" The students shouted at the intercom as they began celebrating.
"So until tomorrow, students, this is your Principal Victoria. Oh my, this has been such an exciting day!"
The students relaxed again. "Well, we just gotta wait fifteen minutes, and then we're free to leave." Kenny restated. "I don't know about you guys, but if I leave, I ain't coming back."
"Oh, come now, Kenny, you simply must the school day." A whined voice from Kenny's right said. It belonged to a medium-built boy of average height who was fiddling with a pen in his hand. He had long, blond hair that he had gelled to flow down the back of his head, and he had dark blue eyes. He was wearing a red jacket coupled with a black bow tie, and also wore brown dress pants along knee-high purple socks.
Kenny sighed. "Goddamn it, if I knew you were next to me, Pip, I wouldn't have sat here."
"We can still trade, you know." Wendy said hopefully.
"No way, bitch." Kenny smiled and shook his head forcefully.
Wendy growled and turned around again. "Bastard," She muttered to herself. Kenny heard it and smiled, but said nothing.
"Anyway, Kenneth, don't you ever feel the need to succeed in school and do your best?" Pip asked.
"Shut up, Pip!" Stan called.
"Why don't you, cocksucker?" Pip retorted. Kenny laughed so hard that he nearly fell out from his chair.
"Man, it's good to know that we at least sort of got you talking like a normal kid. Maybe by the end year you might actually become a cool kid."
Pip began squirming in his seat. "Yes, well...I try not to swear too much, but sometimes it cannot be helped."
"Y-Yeah, especially when you're kicking ass in dodgeball." Butters said.
Pip blushed, letting a stupid grin escape his face. "Well, being team captain does allow for me to inspire the other players to try their very best and all, and I always want my team to do well, so I sometimes..."
"Shut up, Pip!" Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Tweek, Butters, Cartman and Wendy all shouted together.
Pip sighed. "Why the fuck do I even try..." He muttered to himself.
At that moment the door opened. In stepped a middle-aged man, much older than any of the students. In his right hand he carried a mess of papers and binders, for his left hand was covered with a puppet of some sort in a purple shirt and red-and-white hat. The man was completely bald, had a pair of glasses on, and wore a green button-up shirt and pants. As he made his way to the teacher's desk, every student's jaw dropped.
"Oh, crap..."
"Holy fuck..."
"I don't believe this..."
The man made his way up to the center of the class and adjusted his glasses, looking at all the students. He finally cleared his throat. "Welcome, children." He said calmly. "Seeing that your normal civics teacher, Mrs. Cooper, is gone and on strike will all the other stupid teachers, I shall be the replacement teacher. My name is Herbert Garrison, and this here," He pointed to the puppet, "Is Mr. Hat."
"Oh, god, no!" Cartman almost began weeping in despair. Clyde, who was sitting to his seat, tried to calm him down.
"Oh, yes, Eric." Mr. Garrison grinned evilly. "You've gotten even fatter since I last saw you all those years ago."
"That's right, Mr. Garrison," Mr. Garrison threw his voice to his left and bent his fingers, making it appear so that Mr. Hat was talking. "I bet that tubby fatass weighs over 350 pounds now."
"Ay! I'll kick your gay ass all over the fucking town, homo!" Cartman shouted at the top of his lungs. "You are not going to be our teacher, okay? So just get yourself the hell out of hya!"
Mr. Garrison ignored the fat boy's comments. "In fact, I recognize most of you from when you were at South Park Elementary. You all probably know that I'm one of the most popular authors of romance novels in the world now, with my books The Valley of Penises, Hot Rods, and Ten Guys Having an Orgy."
"Yeah, too bad you can't write anything besides dudes having sex with each other." Kenny called out amid laughter.
Mr. Garrison glared at Kenny and continued. "But don't think that my stressful writing schedule will interfere with the education of your young, fragile minds." He grinned. "Well, let's get to taking roll then, shall we? I know you're all looking forward to learning all about how our government works and that gay crap."
The kids groaned in unison.
"Let's see..." Mr. Garrison took his roll sheet. "Kyle Broflovski?"
"Here." Kyle raised his hand.
Mr. Garrison snorted. "Boy, the town's sure gone to hell ever since your mom was elected mayor."
"Hey! That's not cool, Mr. Garrison!" Kyle shouted.
But Mr. Garrison was already off thinking to himself. "Yeah, who could have ever thought of someone doing a worse job than Mayor McDaniels? But she's a senator for Colorado now, God knows how, though. The Japanese Mafia must have helped her out somehow, so all we have is that damn Sheila Broflovski."
"Yeah, what a bitch." Mr. Hat added.
Kyle's face was a burning red now, and he leaped from his seat and pointed at Mr. Garrison. "Shut the hell up, gaywad!" Kyle screamed.
"What? Oh, yes. Sorry about that, Kyle. Anyway, we all know that the dumbass senor Eric is here..."
Everyone laughed except for Cartman, who flipped Mr. Garrison off while he had his back turned.
"...So let's move on to Clyde Goodman?"
"Here." Clyde replied, sounding half-dead.
"Good, Clyde. Now that you're here, maybe our football team will win some games. Oh wait, we lose even when you are here." He smiled.
Everyone laughed again except for Cartman and Clyde, whose faces grew even redder at the comments.
"And is Stanley Marsh here?"
"Yes." Stan sounded off.
Mr. Garrison nodded. "Stanley, you oughta be proud. Your dad is one of the only teachers who didn't go on the strike."
Stan smiled. "Kick ass," He whispered to Kyle. "I still have an easy A there."
"Too bad he's also one of the worst teachers this school has ever had. The only rocks he knows about are the ones between his legs."
Mr. Hat piped up. "Yeah, and those rocks ain't nothing to be proud of anyway."
Everyone laughed except for Stan. "Hey!" Hr shouted angrily. "At least he isn't a homo!"
"Whatever." Mr. Garrison shrugged. "Kenny McCormick?"
"Yeah." Kenny said coolly.
"All right...How's life going without your parents around?"
Kenny shrugged. "It's okay. I have a lot of free time to do whatever I want, and that's cool."
Mr. Garrison nodded. "Yeah, I can imagine. Too bad all you and your brother Kevin want to do is get drunk and high all day."
Everyone laughed, including Kenny. "Hey, it's true." He added when he saw Stan and Kyle staring at him.
"How about Bebe Norris?"
"Here." A tall girl raised her hand while giving a broad smile. She was seated to Wendy's right and had long, curly blond hair that flowed all over her head. She had green eyes, and was looking a bit uncomfortable in her bright green-and-white cheerleader's outfit. She dropped the pompoms on the ground so she could adjust the tight top she was wearing and proceeded to tie up her hair.
"Wow, Bebe, you look even more slutty than normal in that cheerleader's outfit."
Everyone laughed except for Wendy and Bebe, who glared at her teacher angrily.
"Is Phillip Pirrip here?"
"Yes, Mr. Garrison. Remember, I am commonly referred to as Pip!" Pip raised his hand with gusto.
Mr. Garrison nodded. "Right, the gay little Frenchie."
"Good lord, I hate French people." Mr. Hat said. "All they do is hang around and eat yogurt and wear those faggy berets and fuck each other up the ass."
Everyone laughed except for Pip. "I am British, you gay piece of crap! I am not French, so will you kindly shut the fuck up with that French nonsense?" He cried. Mr. Garrison was clearly surprised at Pip's outburst and glanced at his roll sheet in silence.
Kenny leaned over to Pip. "Is that one of those 'necessary times' when you have to swear, Pip?" He grinned.
Pip smiled in response. "Without question."
"Alright, children, settle down." Mr. Garrison sounded out, reverting again to his monotone voice. "Craig Silverton?"
"Here." A tall boy seated in front of Tweek raised his hand. He was of slightly heavy build, and had short black hair that was nearly covered by the dark blue cap that he wore, and the flaps on the hat hung over his ears and occasionally swayed near his brown eyes. He also wore a dark blue winter jacket with a blue sweatshirt underneath, and had blue jeans and boots as well.
"Did you ever get over that nasty little habit of flipping people off, Craig?" Mr. Garrison asked. Craig responded by flipping him off. Mr. Garrison nodded. "Yeah, they say stupid people are never able to shake bad habits."
Everyone laughed except for Craig, who arched his eyebrows. "You guys can all go fuck yourselves." He snarled, flipping everyone off in a flurry.
"Jim Swanson?"
"H-Here, sir." Butters raised his hands. "But remember, everyone calls me Butters."
"Right, right. Your penis is extremely slippery, so everyone calls you Butters."
Everyone laughed except for Butters. "N-Now, Mr. Garrison, I don't think that that's very nice, to go and insult my penis like that. How would you like it if I did that?"
Mr. Garrison shrugged. "I'd probably get off on it."
Uncomfortable silence ensued, and after a minute or two Mr. Garrison took his roll sheet again. "Wendy Testaburger?"
"Here." Wendy raised her hand somewhat reluctantly, expecting another insult from her teacher.
"Good, Wendy. Are you as much of a bitch as I remember?"
"Yup! She's almost as much of a bitch as Kyle's mom " Cartman shouted out. Everyone laughed except for Wendy and Kyle.
"I thought so. Tweek Tweek?"
"AH! Umm...Here!" Tweek raised his hand.
"Ah, I see you're still a pathetic little coffee-addict, Tweek. Isn't he pathetic, Mr. Hat?" He turned to the puppet, who nodded.
Everyone laughed except for Tweek. "AH! I can't take this pressure! I'm gonna go crazy! AH!" Tweek took his coffee container and began chugging from it.
"Token Williams?"
"Here." A deep voice came from the seat in front of Bebe. It belonged to a tall black boy with a well-developed body. He had curly black hair that he had shaped into an afro, and wisps of it hung down, slightly covering his green eyes. He was wearing a purple plaid-shirt over a white T-shirt and khakis. A pendant with a cross hung from his neck, and a gold stud was embedded in his right ear.
"Ah, that's right, the only black kid in this entire school. Are your parents still making more than money than everyone else's combined?"
Everyone laughed except for Token. "That doesn't fly here, Mr. Garrison. My dad can sue you, man."
"Right, and he'll take me for every penny I have, not like he needs it. And finally, is Timmy who-has-no-last-name-because-everyone-in-his-family-is-so-retarded here?
"Timmy!" The seat in front of Craig and closest to the door had been pushed aside to make room for Timmy's wheelchair. He was a small boy who tiny legs and an enormous head. He had short brown hair and massive buckteeth sticking from out of his mouth. All he wore was a red T-shirt and shorts, finished off by a pair of loose sandals that hung limply from his feet.
"How goes the speech therapy, Timmy?" Mr. Garrison asked.
"I...had...good...summer...Timmy!" The boy said after over a minute and with great struggle, and finished the sentence with a wide smile on his face. The other students began clapping and cheering for him. Even Mr. Garrison smiled.
"Excellent, Timmy. In another ten years you might actually able to speak in complete sentences. Until then, you're still a retard."
Everyone laughed, including Timmy. "T-Timmy!" He grinned.
Mr. Garrison put down his roll sheet. "Well, class, there's only thirteen kids in this class, and we're all here. So let's jump right into civics, shall we?"
The kids groaned together, obviously not caring to learn the basics of the United States governmental policy. Mr. Garrison's eyes narrowed, and he whispered something to Mr. Hat, who nodded in agreement.
"Shut up, you little turdburglars!" Mr. Hat shouted suddenly, causing everyone to shut up immediately. "Now you little pissants are going to sit in your crappy little chairs and listen to Mr. Garrison for the entire fucking period, or I'm going to see to it that you all get a personal ass-whooping. Do you understand?"
There was silence for several minutes. Mr. Garrison wiped a bead of sweat from his brow. "Wow, Mr. Hat, maybe you didn't have to be so violent with them."
"Sometimes it's necessary, Mr. Garrison." Mr. Hat replied.
Mr. Garrison shrugged. "I suppose you're right." He turned around, grabbed a black marker, and began to write on the whiteboard. "Now, who can tell me about President Bush's twins and the last time they were busted for getting it on with two guys in that Texas bar?"
Stan put his head down on his desk, trying to phase out the voice of Mr. Garrison. "Man, I feel like I'm in third grade all over again."
Kenny and Kyle grinned. "You say that like it's a bad thing. Just think about all the kinds of cool stuff we were able to do way back then." Kyle said.
Kenny nodded. "Yeah, who knows. We might actually have some fun after all." He pulled out a marijuana pipe and showed it to Stan and Kyle. All three grinned. "So, we still on for after school?"
Lunch period was always something to look forward to for the students of South Park High, or any high school for that matter. The chance to socialize for an entire half-hour while being nearly uninhibited by parents or chaperones was a thing that nearly any young adult could relish. Even more appealing to the students was the seemingly absent presence of the yard duties, who usually prowled the campus half-heartedly to try and catch any students trying to ditch. The fact that were missing added a sense of boisterous adventure to the students, as they realized that no one was watching them. This didn't add up to any more antics than usual, however, as most students were still getting adjusted to the coming drudgery of school.
The students of South Park High were mainly confined to the large, concrete quad area, where the vast majority of students gathered. A small number of kids could also been seen gathering in the small patches of grass that lay near the different buildings. Still others elected to stay indoors during the lunch period, playing video games in the computer lab or fooling around in the drama theatre. Most, however, followed the process of ordering lunch, and finally sitting down on the plastic benches to talk with friends. During the entire period, however, the lunch lines stayed, and only seemed to grow longer, until...
RING!
"Shit!" Stan shouted, stomping his foot on the ground angrily. He tossed the five dollar bill he had been holding back into the pocket of his jacket and stormed away from the lunch line he had been standing in. A light drizzle had descended on the school, and as soon as the bell rang most of the students ran eagerly to get out of the impending rain and into the warmth of their fifth-period class.
"Goddamn it, this sucks!" Kyle hollered, who had been standing next to Stan. Mimicking his friend's actions, he hurried a bit to catch up with Stan, nearly tripping on the slippery stones as he did so. "Hold on a second, Stan!" Stan heard him and slowed down, allowing Kyle to catch up with him.
"This sucks. We didn't even get a chance to eat during the entire fucking lunch." Stan growled. His stomach let out a small growl, as if taking a cue from what his mouth had just uttered.
"Do you know what the hell happened back there?" Kyle asked, briefly catching a glimpse of a hot girl walking by before his attention was snapped back to Stan.
Stan cocked his head. "No, but what do you mean?"
Kyle pointed back to the lines they had exited hastily from. "When lunch started, they were serving lunch like normal. But all of a sudden they shut down the lines and didn't open them again until the very end." Kyle shrugged. "You know anything about it?"
Stan shook his head. "Nope, no fucking clue. But it doesn't matter. Lunch sucked ass, and we don't have any food to eat. You want to ditch and go to Shakey's or something?" He asked.
Kyle winced. "I don't know, dude...I kind of think we should at least go to all of the first day of school. They might hand out gay papers to sign and stuff, you know?"
Stan sighed. "Whatever. Let's just get to class. We'll ditch tomorrow though, alright? I'm already fucking tired of school."
"Sure thing, Stan." Kyle nodded and smiled. "In the meantime, what do we have now..." He thought for a moment. "Civics, right?"
"I think so." Stan pulled his schedule from his pocket and stared at it for several seconds, still walking and not realizing where we was going. Suddenly he walked straight into an obstacle in front of him and exhaled a burst of air in surprise.
"H-Hey, what's the big idea?" A high voice shouted in retaliation.
"Oh, shit! Sorry, dude!" Stan turned red and looked back up, looking to see what he had run into. It was a somewhat small boy who looked their age, and was leaner than Stan and Kyle. He had what appeared to be naturally spiky blond hair, and bland brown eyes. He was wearing a light blue pull-over jacket over a yellow T-shirt and blue jeans, along with black sneakers.
"Don't worry, Stan. You just ran into Butters." Kyle laughed. Butters eyebrows arched in frustration at him.
"N-Now that's not very nice, Kyle." He said.
Stan grinned sheepishly. "Alright, alright. I'm sorry, Butters, okay?" He stuffed his schedule away to prevent any further accidents from happening. He watched the look of anger on Butter's face dissipate into a silly grin.
"O-Oh, all right, Stan. I forgive you."
"Okay...Thanks." Kyle said slowly. "So how've you been, Butters? What'd you do over the summer?"
Butter shrugged. "N-Nothing, really. I went to that journalism camp I was telling you guys about. I-It was pretty nice, actually."
"Cool. You're really serious about journalism, huh?" Kyle asked.
"Y-yeah. S-So what class do you guys have next?" He asked curiously, walking next to them as they continued their journey to the social studies building.
"Civics with Mrs. Cooper. What about you?" Kyle asked.
"W-Well, gee whiz, that's what I got too!" Butters exclaimed happily. "All of my friends are in that class too! H-Hoo boy!"
Stan and Kyle smacked their faces simultaneously. "Man, you're in that class, too?" Stan groaned. "It seems like everyone I know is in this freaking class."
Butters cocked his head. "R-Really? Like, who else is in it?"
"Well, we're here now, so I guess you'll see for yourself." Kyle said. He opened the door to their classroom and the three walked in. The room was a pleasant one, with maps of the United States and the world adorning the walls. Three rows of five desks had been arranged, and students who were already in the class were sitting and talking anxiously. No teacher was in the class, so the three just took random seats. Kyle managed to grab a seat in the treasured back row, and held another for Stan to sit in. Butters, who was unsuccessful in finding one himself, sat in front of Stan instead.
"Yes! Back seats!" Kyle exclaimed happily, propping his feet up in the empty seat in front of him.
"Kick ass, man." Stan laughed as well as he relaxed.
"Hey, you guys, AH! What's, what's up?" A voice to Kyle's left piped up. The three turned to see a very thin boy of average height who was seemingly unable to keep still. He had incredibly messy blond hair, and his green eyes seemed to dart back and forth, surveying their surroundings. The boy was wearing a dull gray jacket that had been incorrectly buttoned up, revealing patches of the black T-shirt he was wearing underneath. He also wore dark blue jeans and light sneakers. A massive jug of coffee lay on his desk, which he was sipping periodically from.
"Oh, hey, Tweek. What's up?" Stan asked, unzipping his backpack and pulling out a pencil to waste time.
"AH! Too much pressure! Oh wait, I mean, nothing much, AH! I'm already fir this school year to be over, AH!" Tweek cried, quickly taking another gulp of coffee.
Stan looked at Kyle, who shrugged. "Cool. Didn't you get a job over the summer or something?"
Tweek nodded, which was barely noticeable amid his shaking. "Yeah, I'm a clerk at Harbucks now."
"W-Wow." Butters chirped. "Is it nice working there? I-I don't think I could handle being in there with all that coffee and all those people..."
"Too much pressure, AH!" Tweek noticed the three boys staring at him and shook his head. "No, forget I said that. It's pretty cool working there, because my dad is the boss. Plus, I get free coffee there, and I get paid a lot, so it's cool."
Stan sighed. "Yeah, we figured that."
The door to the building opened again and Kenny walked in with his hood over his head. His eyes weren't as red as they had been at the beginning of the day, and he also to be walking in better balance. He saw Stan wave to him and darted to grab the seat next to him, which had become empty. Pushing the backpack ahead to the front of the row, he slammed his behind into the chair and laughed.
"Sick, I got a seat in the last row!" He pumped his hands into the air triumphantly, propping his feet up.
"Hey, Kenny." Stan, Kyle, Butters and Tweek chimed in.
"S'up, guys?" Kenny asked nonchalantly, pulling his hood down. "Hey, do I still look high? I haven't smoked since this morning, so it should be clearing up." He said, rolling up a wad of used paper and tossing it into a nearby garbage can.
Stan leaned over and inspected him briefly. "Yeah, you look good, Kenny. Don't worry, man. You've only got two more classes to go."
"Sweet. You guys doing anything after school? I don't have to work on Tuesdays, so I can go chill with you guys." Kenny asked.
Stan shrugged. "Kyle's coming over, and we might watch Braveheart or something. You want to come?"
"Sure." Kenny said. "The more the merrier with movies like that. And then we can play your ZBox, right?"
Stan nodded. "Yeah, I got a new game for it last week. You run around and you kill stuff! How cool is that?"
"H-Hey, could I come over, too?" Butters asked. "I've never seen that Braveheart movie, and everyone says it's good, so...."
"What!?" Four surprised boys asked. "You've never seen Braveheart? Wow, you're probably the first kid I've talked to in years who hasn't." Kenny said, surprised.
"AH! What a loser!" Tweek added before drinking some more from his coffee jug and setting it down.
"Stan!" The boys saw Wendy approaching them. She reached the back row, but hesitated to sit down. "Kenny, would you mind moving so I can sit next to my man?"
Stan groaned. "Please..."
Kenny shook his head. "No fucking way. I earned this back seat, and I ain't trading it to you. Sorry, Wendy."
Wendy clasped her hands together and began to plead. "Please, Kenny? Please?"
"Don't do it, Kenny." Kyle called. Kenny replied by pulling his hood over his head and setting his face down on the desk. "Nope."
"Damn it!" Wendy shouted. "You're a bastard, Kenny! I cannot believe that you won't move and let me be next to my Stan!"
Kenny shrugged. "Whatever."
Wendy sat down in the seat in front of Kenny, and leaned over her side to Stan. "Don't worry, Stan. We're still together. I won't let Kenny here ruin the fun that we're going to have in here."
Tweek and Butters laughed and slapped hands with each other. "T-This is gonna be good." Butters said eagerly . Tweek nodded in agreement. "Yeah, just for the love connection we got going on here, AH!"
RING!
The students who hadn't sat down took a seat hastily and waited for their teacher to come in. A minute or two passed, and before long the mood had lightened, with the students started to talk to the person next to them.
Suddenly, the announce speakers blared to life and a female voice could be heard over the intercom. The voice soundly slightly worried about something, but it was still still projected calmly.
"Good morning, boys and girls of South Park High School. This, as you may have guessed, is not your Principal Johnson."
The students looked to each other in confusion. "Who the hell is that?" Kyle asked, trying to decipher the voice.
"During fourth period, over 90% of the teachers, administration and staff members working at this school have gone on strike. This is why the lunch lines were closed off; The staff left very suddenly to begin the strike. It is also why there may not be a teacher in your classroom."
"Well, that explains it." Stan shrugged.
Kenny looked at his friends. "Dude, that voice sounds totally familiar. I know I've heard it somewhere."
"Y-Yeah, me too." Butters agreed.
"Therefore, until the strike is resolved, the school will be getting teachers from the elementary and middle schools to fill in for those on strike. That includes myself, your new principal, Mrs. Victoria."
"Oh my god!" The students shouted in unison. "Holy shit! Principal Victoria is taking over here!"
"AH! I can't take this!" Tweek cried.
"Goddamn it, I hate that bitch!" Cartman, who was seated in front of Butters, began banging his head on his desk, causing the entire room to shake slightly.
"In place of the normal counselors, we have assigned new counselors for all of our students. Students with last names A-M will have Mr. Mackey..."
Another groan elapsed from the class. "They brought Mackey back, too?" Stan shook his head in disbelief.
"This totally sucks ass!" Kyle shouted.
"...and students with last names N-Z will have Mrs. Mackey-Choksondik."
Another groan erupted from the students, this time much larger. "AH! I hate that bitch!" Tweek shouted. "I can always see her nipples! Too much pressure!" He reached for his coffee jug again to take another drink.
"I will close these announcements by guaranteeing that every single class will have a teacher by the end of the period. If there is not a teacher after fifteen minutes, you may leave the class and exit the campus for the remainder of the period."
"Sweet!" The students shouted at the intercom as they began celebrating.
"So until tomorrow, students, this is your Principal Victoria. Oh my, this has been such an exciting day!"
The students relaxed again. "Well, we just gotta wait fifteen minutes, and then we're free to leave." Kenny restated. "I don't know about you guys, but if I leave, I ain't coming back."
"Oh, come now, Kenny, you simply must the school day." A whined voice from Kenny's right said. It belonged to a medium-built boy of average height who was fiddling with a pen in his hand. He had long, blond hair that he had gelled to flow down the back of his head, and he had dark blue eyes. He was wearing a red jacket coupled with a black bow tie, and also wore brown dress pants along knee-high purple socks.
Kenny sighed. "Goddamn it, if I knew you were next to me, Pip, I wouldn't have sat here."
"We can still trade, you know." Wendy said hopefully.
"No way, bitch." Kenny smiled and shook his head forcefully.
Wendy growled and turned around again. "Bastard," She muttered to herself. Kenny heard it and smiled, but said nothing.
"Anyway, Kenneth, don't you ever feel the need to succeed in school and do your best?" Pip asked.
"Shut up, Pip!" Stan called.
"Why don't you, cocksucker?" Pip retorted. Kenny laughed so hard that he nearly fell out from his chair.
"Man, it's good to know that we at least sort of got you talking like a normal kid. Maybe by the end year you might actually become a cool kid."
Pip began squirming in his seat. "Yes, well...I try not to swear too much, but sometimes it cannot be helped."
"Y-Yeah, especially when you're kicking ass in dodgeball." Butters said.
Pip blushed, letting a stupid grin escape his face. "Well, being team captain does allow for me to inspire the other players to try their very best and all, and I always want my team to do well, so I sometimes..."
"Shut up, Pip!" Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Tweek, Butters, Cartman and Wendy all shouted together.
Pip sighed. "Why the fuck do I even try..." He muttered to himself.
At that moment the door opened. In stepped a middle-aged man, much older than any of the students. In his right hand he carried a mess of papers and binders, for his left hand was covered with a puppet of some sort in a purple shirt and red-and-white hat. The man was completely bald, had a pair of glasses on, and wore a green button-up shirt and pants. As he made his way to the teacher's desk, every student's jaw dropped.
"Oh, crap..."
"Holy fuck..."
"I don't believe this..."
The man made his way up to the center of the class and adjusted his glasses, looking at all the students. He finally cleared his throat. "Welcome, children." He said calmly. "Seeing that your normal civics teacher, Mrs. Cooper, is gone and on strike will all the other stupid teachers, I shall be the replacement teacher. My name is Herbert Garrison, and this here," He pointed to the puppet, "Is Mr. Hat."
"Oh, god, no!" Cartman almost began weeping in despair. Clyde, who was sitting to his seat, tried to calm him down.
"Oh, yes, Eric." Mr. Garrison grinned evilly. "You've gotten even fatter since I last saw you all those years ago."
"That's right, Mr. Garrison," Mr. Garrison threw his voice to his left and bent his fingers, making it appear so that Mr. Hat was talking. "I bet that tubby fatass weighs over 350 pounds now."
"Ay! I'll kick your gay ass all over the fucking town, homo!" Cartman shouted at the top of his lungs. "You are not going to be our teacher, okay? So just get yourself the hell out of hya!"
Mr. Garrison ignored the fat boy's comments. "In fact, I recognize most of you from when you were at South Park Elementary. You all probably know that I'm one of the most popular authors of romance novels in the world now, with my books The Valley of Penises, Hot Rods, and Ten Guys Having an Orgy."
"Yeah, too bad you can't write anything besides dudes having sex with each other." Kenny called out amid laughter.
Mr. Garrison glared at Kenny and continued. "But don't think that my stressful writing schedule will interfere with the education of your young, fragile minds." He grinned. "Well, let's get to taking roll then, shall we? I know you're all looking forward to learning all about how our government works and that gay crap."
The kids groaned in unison.
"Let's see..." Mr. Garrison took his roll sheet. "Kyle Broflovski?"
"Here." Kyle raised his hand.
Mr. Garrison snorted. "Boy, the town's sure gone to hell ever since your mom was elected mayor."
"Hey! That's not cool, Mr. Garrison!" Kyle shouted.
But Mr. Garrison was already off thinking to himself. "Yeah, who could have ever thought of someone doing a worse job than Mayor McDaniels? But she's a senator for Colorado now, God knows how, though. The Japanese Mafia must have helped her out somehow, so all we have is that damn Sheila Broflovski."
"Yeah, what a bitch." Mr. Hat added.
Kyle's face was a burning red now, and he leaped from his seat and pointed at Mr. Garrison. "Shut the hell up, gaywad!" Kyle screamed.
"What? Oh, yes. Sorry about that, Kyle. Anyway, we all know that the dumbass senor Eric is here..."
Everyone laughed except for Cartman, who flipped Mr. Garrison off while he had his back turned.
"...So let's move on to Clyde Goodman?"
"Here." Clyde replied, sounding half-dead.
"Good, Clyde. Now that you're here, maybe our football team will win some games. Oh wait, we lose even when you are here." He smiled.
Everyone laughed again except for Cartman and Clyde, whose faces grew even redder at the comments.
"And is Stanley Marsh here?"
"Yes." Stan sounded off.
Mr. Garrison nodded. "Stanley, you oughta be proud. Your dad is one of the only teachers who didn't go on the strike."
Stan smiled. "Kick ass," He whispered to Kyle. "I still have an easy A there."
"Too bad he's also one of the worst teachers this school has ever had. The only rocks he knows about are the ones between his legs."
Mr. Hat piped up. "Yeah, and those rocks ain't nothing to be proud of anyway."
Everyone laughed except for Stan. "Hey!" Hr shouted angrily. "At least he isn't a homo!"
"Whatever." Mr. Garrison shrugged. "Kenny McCormick?"
"Yeah." Kenny said coolly.
"All right...How's life going without your parents around?"
Kenny shrugged. "It's okay. I have a lot of free time to do whatever I want, and that's cool."
Mr. Garrison nodded. "Yeah, I can imagine. Too bad all you and your brother Kevin want to do is get drunk and high all day."
Everyone laughed, including Kenny. "Hey, it's true." He added when he saw Stan and Kyle staring at him.
"How about Bebe Norris?"
"Here." A tall girl raised her hand while giving a broad smile. She was seated to Wendy's right and had long, curly blond hair that flowed all over her head. She had green eyes, and was looking a bit uncomfortable in her bright green-and-white cheerleader's outfit. She dropped the pompoms on the ground so she could adjust the tight top she was wearing and proceeded to tie up her hair.
"Wow, Bebe, you look even more slutty than normal in that cheerleader's outfit."
Everyone laughed except for Wendy and Bebe, who glared at her teacher angrily.
"Is Phillip Pirrip here?"
"Yes, Mr. Garrison. Remember, I am commonly referred to as Pip!" Pip raised his hand with gusto.
Mr. Garrison nodded. "Right, the gay little Frenchie."
"Good lord, I hate French people." Mr. Hat said. "All they do is hang around and eat yogurt and wear those faggy berets and fuck each other up the ass."
Everyone laughed except for Pip. "I am British, you gay piece of crap! I am not French, so will you kindly shut the fuck up with that French nonsense?" He cried. Mr. Garrison was clearly surprised at Pip's outburst and glanced at his roll sheet in silence.
Kenny leaned over to Pip. "Is that one of those 'necessary times' when you have to swear, Pip?" He grinned.
Pip smiled in response. "Without question."
"Alright, children, settle down." Mr. Garrison sounded out, reverting again to his monotone voice. "Craig Silverton?"
"Here." A tall boy seated in front of Tweek raised his hand. He was of slightly heavy build, and had short black hair that was nearly covered by the dark blue cap that he wore, and the flaps on the hat hung over his ears and occasionally swayed near his brown eyes. He also wore a dark blue winter jacket with a blue sweatshirt underneath, and had blue jeans and boots as well.
"Did you ever get over that nasty little habit of flipping people off, Craig?" Mr. Garrison asked. Craig responded by flipping him off. Mr. Garrison nodded. "Yeah, they say stupid people are never able to shake bad habits."
Everyone laughed except for Craig, who arched his eyebrows. "You guys can all go fuck yourselves." He snarled, flipping everyone off in a flurry.
"Jim Swanson?"
"H-Here, sir." Butters raised his hands. "But remember, everyone calls me Butters."
"Right, right. Your penis is extremely slippery, so everyone calls you Butters."
Everyone laughed except for Butters. "N-Now, Mr. Garrison, I don't think that that's very nice, to go and insult my penis like that. How would you like it if I did that?"
Mr. Garrison shrugged. "I'd probably get off on it."
Uncomfortable silence ensued, and after a minute or two Mr. Garrison took his roll sheet again. "Wendy Testaburger?"
"Here." Wendy raised her hand somewhat reluctantly, expecting another insult from her teacher.
"Good, Wendy. Are you as much of a bitch as I remember?"
"Yup! She's almost as much of a bitch as Kyle's mom " Cartman shouted out. Everyone laughed except for Wendy and Kyle.
"I thought so. Tweek Tweek?"
"AH! Umm...Here!" Tweek raised his hand.
"Ah, I see you're still a pathetic little coffee-addict, Tweek. Isn't he pathetic, Mr. Hat?" He turned to the puppet, who nodded.
Everyone laughed except for Tweek. "AH! I can't take this pressure! I'm gonna go crazy! AH!" Tweek took his coffee container and began chugging from it.
"Token Williams?"
"Here." A deep voice came from the seat in front of Bebe. It belonged to a tall black boy with a well-developed body. He had curly black hair that he had shaped into an afro, and wisps of it hung down, slightly covering his green eyes. He was wearing a purple plaid-shirt over a white T-shirt and khakis. A pendant with a cross hung from his neck, and a gold stud was embedded in his right ear.
"Ah, that's right, the only black kid in this entire school. Are your parents still making more than money than everyone else's combined?"
Everyone laughed except for Token. "That doesn't fly here, Mr. Garrison. My dad can sue you, man."
"Right, and he'll take me for every penny I have, not like he needs it. And finally, is Timmy who-has-no-last-name-because-everyone-in-his-family-is-so-retarded here?
"Timmy!" The seat in front of Craig and closest to the door had been pushed aside to make room for Timmy's wheelchair. He was a small boy who tiny legs and an enormous head. He had short brown hair and massive buckteeth sticking from out of his mouth. All he wore was a red T-shirt and shorts, finished off by a pair of loose sandals that hung limply from his feet.
"How goes the speech therapy, Timmy?" Mr. Garrison asked.
"I...had...good...summer...Timmy!" The boy said after over a minute and with great struggle, and finished the sentence with a wide smile on his face. The other students began clapping and cheering for him. Even Mr. Garrison smiled.
"Excellent, Timmy. In another ten years you might actually able to speak in complete sentences. Until then, you're still a retard."
Everyone laughed, including Timmy. "T-Timmy!" He grinned.
Mr. Garrison put down his roll sheet. "Well, class, there's only thirteen kids in this class, and we're all here. So let's jump right into civics, shall we?"
The kids groaned together, obviously not caring to learn the basics of the United States governmental policy. Mr. Garrison's eyes narrowed, and he whispered something to Mr. Hat, who nodded in agreement.
"Shut up, you little turdburglars!" Mr. Hat shouted suddenly, causing everyone to shut up immediately. "Now you little pissants are going to sit in your crappy little chairs and listen to Mr. Garrison for the entire fucking period, or I'm going to see to it that you all get a personal ass-whooping. Do you understand?"
There was silence for several minutes. Mr. Garrison wiped a bead of sweat from his brow. "Wow, Mr. Hat, maybe you didn't have to be so violent with them."
"Sometimes it's necessary, Mr. Garrison." Mr. Hat replied.
Mr. Garrison shrugged. "I suppose you're right." He turned around, grabbed a black marker, and began to write on the whiteboard. "Now, who can tell me about President Bush's twins and the last time they were busted for getting it on with two guys in that Texas bar?"
Stan put his head down on his desk, trying to phase out the voice of Mr. Garrison. "Man, I feel like I'm in third grade all over again."
Kenny and Kyle grinned. "You say that like it's a bad thing. Just think about all the kinds of cool stuff we were able to do way back then." Kyle said.
Kenny nodded. "Yeah, who knows. We might actually have some fun after all." He pulled out a marijuana pipe and showed it to Stan and Kyle. All three grinned. "So, we still on for after school?"