PART 2
**
On the morning when I woke up without you for the first time
I felt free and I felt lonely and I felt scared
And I began to talk to myself almost immediately
Not being used to being the only person there
("Woke Up New," The Mountain Goats)
**
Sawyer wakes up slowly, disoriented and confused. It took him hours to fall asleep last night; he hasn't slept alone in over two years and he misses his bed (at home) on the island. How the blankets were slightly scratchy and smelled like soap and motor oil and the soft scent particular to Juliet. The bed at Hurley's house has super-soft sheets that smell of some cloying, flowery fabric softener and the whole situation just pisses him off. As he comes more fully awake, he shakes the thought of Juliet, of how he misses waking up with her pressed against him, reminds himself once again that this is how she wanted it, and focuses instead on figuring out what the hell he's doing.
When he first got to Hurley's house last night, Sawyer realized that this reality is turning out to be almost as bizarre as the last one. Turns out the guy is a multi-millionaire. His house is huge; three stories, in this super-swanky part of LA, the part of town that, in another life, would have had Sawyer lining up his next mark. It's immaculately clean, all except Hurley's room, which has got clothes and comic books thrown everywhere, which makes Sawyer feel at least a little bit better about his people-reading skills.
**
It's weird, staying in this giant house with Hugo and his mom. Hurley's mom loves Sawyer; one smile from him and she started talking to him about how she's glad Hugo is making some new friends and he can stay as long as he wants and what does he do for a living and does he have a girlfriend. And even though Sawyer has always been good at this, good at talking to lonely women he's got no interest in, he finds himself frozen. Luckily, Hurley saves him, tells his mom to calm down, give Sawyer a break, they just got off a 14 hour flight.
Sawyer never considered what he would actually do living with Hurley, and it turns out the man himself has got all kinds of business ventures he needs to make sure are in order, so Sawyer spends his first couple of days hanging out with Hurley's mom, watching Oprah and Dr. Phil and Spanish soap operas that he doesn't understand, but figures they're about what everything's about: fucking, and fighting, and screwing over the people you love. It takes about a week before Sawyer feels like if he watches one more second of Dr. Phil telling people how to fix their lives he's going to have to blow his brains out. Hell, he thinks, at least then he'd be carrying out a family tradition.
He knows he needs to get out of here, but he's got no idea where he'd go or what he'd do. He's not sure he's up for a con right now and there's not much else he's good for. Unless, he thinks wryly, there's a hippie commune in need of a security officer nearby.
At night, after Hurley gets home from whatever it is he spends his days doing, he and Sawyer sit around talking and drinking. Sometimes they'll talk about the island—random things like whether or not they'll ever be able to put their boar-hunting skills to use in this world—but mostly they talk about Libby. Hurley's clearly insanely in love with the woman, and Sawyer feels like it's the least he can do to help the other guy out, especially since Hurley has no idea what he's doing when it comes to women. Sawyer spends the first night after they arrive at Hurley's house coaching Hurley through a phone conversation with Libby, who, Sawyer assumes, doesn't really care about the intricacies of something called World of Warcraft. Plus, Hurley keeps slipping up and referring to things that happened on the island. Sawyer finally tells him to hang up, says Libby's going to think he's crazy if he keeps talking about things that happened in the future on a deserted island. Finally, after three nights of this, Sawyer feels like Hurley can handle a night alone on the phone with Libby. Things go well and the next night Hurley goes out with Libby and Sawyer feels pretty useless.
After that, Sawyer starts reading Crime and Punishment at night while Hurley's out with Libby; he used to hate these kinds of books (about the only kind he wouldn't read), but something about the absurd tragedy of it all speaks to him right now. Assures him that good doesn't happen to people like him, people who kill other people in dark alleys in cold blood and then try to pretend that they deserve happiness. And, hell, anything is better than another evening in front of the tv, watching Oprah interview a bunch of emotionally repressed housewives.
That night, he digs through his stuff and finds Jack's card. Thinks about calling him, but just ends up falling asleep, the card stuffed between the pages of Crime and Punishment.
**
He dreams he's back in the jungle, back on the island. Keeps trying to catch something, something just up ahead in the banyan trees. And then he turns around and there's Ben and the rain starts to fall. Ben's opening his mouth, but Sawyer can't hear any of the words. And then he turns around and Juliet is there. And he's so happy, but when he runs up to her, she starts to scream, and her face is covered in blood, and Ben smiles. And then the smoke comes. Grabs Juliet around the waist and drags her down into a well that wasn't even there five seconds before.
Sawyer wakes up drenched in sweat and feeling nauseous and decides he's been in LA way too long (It's only been a week, he thinks somewhat hysterically, but he really can't shake the feeling of claustrophobia and panic brought on by that damn dream). He shoves his clothes into a bag, and stumbles downstairs, the half-forgotten dream trailing him the whole way. Hugo and his mom are arguing in the kitchen in Spanish, saying things he can't understand and it just makes him feel like he needs to get out right now. When he walks into the kitchen they stop arguing and Hurley's mom asks if she can make him breakfast and Hurley asks if he wants to go to the comic book store with him. Sawyer gives them both a charming smile and tells them he's actually thinking of taking a road trip; asks Hurley if maybe he can borrow one of his cars.
Sawyer ends up in a '74 Camaro, and, while he appreciates the irony, he can't help wondering if he's ever really going to escape that damn decade.
**
Driving down the highway, headed east (to Albuquerque, to Miami), he rolls the windows down in the Camaro, tunes the radio to the first oldies station he can find, cranks it up and sings along as loud as he can, pretending he really is just on a road trip, happy and carefree. And maybe if he's bein' honest with himself, he'd say that he ain't exactly happy, but Sawyer's been a conman for a long time now and he knows that living the lie is the next best thing to believing it.
**
Two days later, he stops for the night in Albuquerque and his mind starts thinking thoughts he'd rather just forget. But he's not in a hurry to get anywhere in particular and decides to stick around for a few days. He knows Cassidy's address, writes it down on the pad on the hotel desk over and over again, and spends more time than he'd like to admit just staring at the damn thing, thinking about ways he can show up and ask about Clementine without getting his ass kicked.
One day he even drives out there, parks on the street and stares at the house for hours like a damn stalker. He sits there until the front door opens and Cassidy comes out carrying a little girl with blonde pigtails and a sweet smile. And suddenly, he can't take this; he wonders just what the hell he's doing. Before Cassidy can look over, he puts the car in gear, peels away as fast as he can. He sees Cassidy snap her head up as he roars past, and catches one last glimpse of his little girl as he speeds around the corner. He leaves Albuquerque the next morning. Never once looks back.
**
For the most part, Sawyer doesn't think at all about Juliet. He knows that part of the problem is that when he does, he can't quite figure out how he feels, and as he's never been one to contemplate feelings for very long, he just chalks it up to one of those things life throws at you that tries to fuck you up if you let it. So he doesn't. He doesn't cry over her, or think about how much better his life would be if she were with him, or think about how she left him just like everything else that's ever mattered to him in his sorry-ass life. He's nothing if not a realist and he knows that gone is gone.
But when she does creep into his thoughts, when he lets himself think about his feelings for just a little while, he can't decide if he loves her or he hates her. Sometimes he thinks that if he didn't love her so damn much, he'd hate her (don't let go, don't you dare let go). Really, though, he doesn't know what to think so he just tries not to. And if, after throwing back a few too many in some rundown roadside bar just outside of nowhere, Louisiana, he ends up in bed with some leggy blonde whose name he can't remember, but to whom he whispers Jules, Jules while she lays below him, well, he tries not to think too much about what that means.
Mostly, he just drives. Runs a few small scams, nothing too complicated, but a man's gotta eat. His southern charm is as effective as always, and a slightly broken heart doesn't erase the dimples and easy smiles, but his heart's just not in it. The scams he's running—cozy up to some pretty lady sitting alone and lookin' a little desperate in some bar, sweet talk her, spend a few nights together, and run with whatever he can steal from her purse when she's in the shower—are pathetic and beneath him, but that makes him feel better somehow. It seems like these days being a bastard is the only thing that does.
**
Sawyer keeps driving east, and when he hits Alabama, he decides maybe a turn south wouldn't be a bad idea. It's getting on into November; some warm weather might do him good. Even though he'd swore he'd never set foot in that godforsaken state after the Tampa job, he thinks Florida's not lookin' too bad right now. So he takes the turn for Tallahassee and just keeps going, east until he hits the coast and then south. And if he sees signs for Miami, he doesn't think about what that means, just keeps driving.