A/N: Thank you so much for your kind feedback on the last chapter! I really appreciate all the excitement you expressed about this story. I'm excited about it too! So, with that said, here's the next chapter. I hope you like it. And as always, thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
"What's gotten into you, Shepherd?" Bailey demands as she drags Derek into the hallway just outside Vivian's hospital room. "Who is this patient?"
"Vivian Carlsmith," Derek answers weakly.
"Yeah, I know that. I read her chart," Bailey says, jamming a hand on her hip. "What I meant was who is she to you?"
Derek runs a hand through his hair, doing his best to steady himself. "She was Addison's mentor … back when we were interns and residents. And she and Addison … they were really close. There are very few people on the planet that Addison respects more than Vivian." He shakes his head sadly. "Addison's going to be devastated."
Bailey looks down at the floor sadly. She gets it. It would be like seeing the chief in that position.
"How are you doing?" she asks, taking in her distraught-looking boss.
Derek shrugs. "She's Addison's mentor, not mine. We didn't really have much of a relat—"
"Shepherd, I asked you an honest question. Give me an honest answer. How are you holding up?"
"I …" Derek trails off, his voice cracking. "Vivian came to my wedding. I've eaten countless dinners at her house. She gave me a monogrammed silver case for my business cards when I became an attending. I, uh, I still have it. I still use it." He swallows thickly. "Honestly … I'm crushed."
"I'm sorry, Derek," Bailey apologizes, her voice soft.
"I need you to get Addison," Derek says, shrugging off Bailey's apology. "She'll kill me if she finds out that I knew Vivian was here and didn't tell her right away." He turns to Bailey, his eyes pleading. "Can you get her?"
"I can get her," Bailey begins. "But I think it would be better if you got her."
"Me?" Derek asks in surprise.
Bailey nods. "You and Addison have a history. You understand her relationship with Vivian in a way that nobody else does."
"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"
Bailey frowns. "You should be the one to get Addison. And you know it."
Derek nods in concession. He knows Bailey's right. Regardless of how he feels about Addison right now, she doesn't deserve to learn that her mentor is dying from Bailey or someone else who's essentially a stranger to her.
He should be the one to tell her.
It has to be him, and he knows it. For better or for worse, they share a history. He's the only one who gets just how much Vivian means to her. Just like she's the only one who gets how much his mentor during his residency means to him.
His mentor, Edward James, became the father figure he'd been deprived for so much of his life. Addison knew this in a way nobody else did. And despite everything that had happened between him and Addison, if it were his mentor in Vivian's position, the only person he'd want to deliver the bad news to him would be Addison. Because she's the only one who truly gets it. Just like he's the only one who fully understands the gravity of this situation.
He also knows this isn't the type of information he can deliver through a text or a page. It has to be done in person.
He scours the surgical board for Addison's schedule. (Once upon a time, he didn't need to do this. He knew Addison's schedule just as well as his own.) She should be finishing up with a consult.
"Derek," she says in surprise when she passes him in the hallway.
"Addison, I need to talk to you."
"Not now," she says dismissively, clearly giving him the same indifferent treatment he'd given her earlier that morning.
"No, Addison, I need to talk to you now," Derek insists.
"I'm working now, Derek." She gives him a wry smile. "Maybe we can chat over lunch. Oh, wait," she smirks, "you were planning to work through—"
"Damn it, Addison! I'm not joking."
She swallows thickly, all hints of mockery gone from her face.
"Derek, what's wrong?" she asks, the fear in her voice evident. "Is it Amelia? Is she using again? I thought she was doing better."
"Shhh, no, it's not Amelia," Derek whispers harshly. "And keep your voice down. I don't need the entire hospital to know I have a sister who's an addict."
"Yeah, because that would be the worst thing in the world, wouldn't it, Derek? Having people know that your life isn't perfect … that you're not McDreamy."
"Well, thanks to you, I'm pretty sure that people here are well aware that my life is far from perfect."
Addison rolls her eyes. "Come on, Derek; you have a wife and a past. It was bound to come out eventually. Now, if you're finished blaming me for everything that's ever gone wrong in your life, I need to get back to work."
"No, wait, Addison," he says abruptly, remembering the real reason he needs to talk to her.
Addison looks at him expectantly, and he feels his heart sink a little. Addison is about to get clobbered and she has no idea. Despite his own personal feelings toward her at the moment, he's a big enough person to acknowledge that she doesn't deserve this. No one does.
"Addison," he begins, doing his best to keep his voice calm. "I had a patient come in this morning with a grade four glioblastoma."
Addison shudders. She knows from her eleven-plus years with Derek that while this isn't necessarily a death sentence, it's a very serious diagnosis. Still, Derek has treated many patients with glioblastomas throughout his career. Why is he telling her about this one?
"We know the patient," Derek continues, answering the question she didn't ask.
She can hear his voice quivering slightly. She meets his eyes and sees they're full of sympathy.
"It's Vivian Carlsmith," he says gently. "Your mentor."
"What?" Addison breathes, involuntary moisture stinging her eyes. "No. No, that can't be right. It can't be—"
"I'm so sorry, Addison."
"No," Addison insists. "That can't be true." She looks at her husband squarely. "Derek, if this is your way of getting back at me for sleeping with Mark, it's not funny. It's not—"
"Addison," he interrupts harshly. "I would never lie about something like this. I'm mad as hell about Mark, but this isn't my idea of revenge, and you know it."
She looks at him closely and confirms her worst fear—Derek is telling the truth.
She has watched him deliver bad news several times throughout their marriage—to patients, to his family, to her. And she can tell by looking at him—at the way his eyes are sunken in and the way his jaw is trembling—that the news is taking a toll on him as well.
"What are her odds," Addison asks, a wisp of hope in her voice.
Derek shakes his head sadly. "Not good."
"No," Addison breathes. "No … there's got to be something …"
But she can't get anything else out. The only thing she can manage to do is reach her arms out desperately toward Derek.
He wraps his arms around her and pulls her in close, rubbing her back, stroking her hair.
Her legs feel shaky and she can feel her knees buckling. And she's not sure she can—or has the desire to—stand on her own. So she leans into Derek. And he supports her, holding her closer.
When someone you love is dying, rules don't exist.
In this moment it doesn't matter that their marriage is hanging on by the thinnest of threads. It doesn't matter that she betrayed him and that he's spent the better part of the last couple of months pretending she doesn't exist. In this moment, Mark is an afterthought and Meredith is just a girl he met in a bar.
The only thing that matters in this moment is him holding her close and trying to cushion the blow as her world (and admittedly his as well) comes crashing down.
He can feel her shaking. He knows she's doing everything she can not to cry. And he presses a soft kiss to her temple. Unlike this morning it's not an obligatory kiss. This time, he's kissing her because he wants to, not because he feels he needs to.
She buries her head in his neck, and he wraps his arms around her more securely.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers into her hair. "I'm really sorry."
"Can … I see her?" Addison chokes out after a moment, her voice muffled.
"Yeah," Derek says softly. "Of course."
She nods mutely, her eyes shining with unshed tears, and they make their way toward Vivian's room together in silence. Actually, he leads and she follows.
And as they walk, he can help glancing back at her.
She looks broken, devastated … completely undone. He knows better than everyone how much Vivian means to Addison, and what an influence Vivian has been in Addison's life. And he can't help thinking about that.
~ I fall behind ~
"I just got out of surgery with Carlsmith," Addison tells her boyfriend, her eyes shining brightly. "It was incredible. She performed a bowel reconstruction on this impossibly small preemie. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen."
Derek can't help smiling at his girlfriend's enthusiasm. They've only been interns a little over a month, but it's very clear to everyone that Addison is going to specialize in neonatal. It's also clear to everyone that Addison is Vivian Carlsmith's favorite intern. Already, she's letting Addison scrub in on surgeries that second-year residents aren't scrubbing in on.
"And Carlsmith was incredible," Addison gushes. "Calm, confident. She's so talented."
"Yeah," Derek nods. "She is. Tough as nails too."
"And she's a good teacher," Addison adds. "A really good teacher."
Derek smiles and wraps an arm around his girlfriend's waist. "You remind me of her."
She meets his eyes questioningly. "Really?" she asks in surprise.
"Yeah," he answers easily. "You're brilliant and tough. And you're so patient with my sisters and nieces and nephews. I know you're going to be a great teacher."
Addison blushes slightly at that. "Do I really remind you of Vivian?" she asks again.
"You really do."
A wide smile spreads across Addison's face. "That's honestly one of the best compliments you could ever pay me."
~ The second hand unwinds ~
"Um, this is it," Derek says quietly, as they arrive at the door to Vivian's hospital room.
Addison nods, taking everything in. "Just give me a second," she requests as she lingers outside Vivian's room. She takes a deep breath and quickly attempts to fix her hair, trying for some semblance of composure. "Okay, I'm ready," she breathes after a moment, and follows Derek into the hospital room.
"Vivian," Derek grins, using a hyper cheerful voice that Addison knows he reserves for young or very sick patients. "Look who I found."
He gestures toward Addison, and Addison watches as a wide smile spreads across Vivian's face.
She immediately rushes to her mentor's bedside. "Vivian," she says sympathetically.
"Why are you looking at me like I just killed your cat," Vivian teases. And Addison can tell she's trying to keep things light.
"How bad is it?" Addison asks in concern.
"How about you tell me?" Vivian challenges with a smile. "Derek, hand her my files."
Addison accepts the files from her husband and scans them quickly. And as her eyes roam over Vivian's latest scans, her breath catches in her throat. The prognosis looks grim.
She turns to her husband. "Derek, you've got to operate as soon as possible and get as much of the tumor as you can. Then radiation and temozolomide."
Derek nods in agreement and Vivian rewards Addison with a proud smile.
"You always were my most impressive student," she compliments. "And this isn't even your field. Although I guess you've got some inside knowledge," she amends. "You know, being married to a brain surgeon all these years."
At that, Addison and Derek stiffen, and Vivian can't help noticing the awkwardness. Her eyes travel from Addison's left hand—which is decorated with her wedding band and engagement ring—to Derek's noticeably naked left hand. And she shoots Addison a questioning look.
"Um, Derek," Vivian says when she notices Addison's discomfort. "Can you give me and Addison a minute?"
"Uh, yeah, sure," Derek nods, making his way toward the door.
Vivian waits a moment to make sure Derek is out of earshot before turning to Addison. "Okay, so what's going on with you two?"
"Vivian, that's not important right now. Let's talk about you."
"I already know everything there is to know about me," Vivian insists. "I want to hear about you. I'm worried about you, Addison."
Addison shakes her head. "You're the one in the hospital bed. Why are you worried about me?"
Vivian shrugs. "We can't fix me. We still may be able to fix you."
"Don't say that," Addison insists. "You're a fighter. And Derek's an amazing surgeon. So, no more talking like that, okay?"
"Is this the bedside manner you use with all your patients?" Vivian quips.
"No, just the ones I really like," Addison winks.
Vivian chuckles. "So … you and Derek?" she asks, growing serious.
Addison sighs. "It's a long story."
"Well, I'm not allowed to leave this room, so you have a captive audience."
"I guess that's true," Addison admits. "Okay," she sighs, "I'll start from the beginning."